


The Next Chapter

by crazyTXgradstudent



Series: Jana and Michael [2]
Category: Michael Fassbender/Original Female Character - Fandom
Genre: Childhood Sexual Abuse, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Forgiveness, Healing, Military, Moving On, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-03
Updated: 2014-11-22
Packaged: 2018-02-11 15:13:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 65
Words: 125,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2072967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyTXgradstudent/pseuds/crazyTXgradstudent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Coping with grad school in the best way I know how - writing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

8 months later…

Jana handed over her clearing papers to the lady at the desk, one more step in her transition out of the military. As she waited for her paperwork to be verified, her mind was running a million miles a minute. She had decided a few months ago that she would get out. She had gone as far as she wanted in her military career and she wanted to pursue other things – mainly to start her PhD. As she had already worked through her bachelors and her masters in psychology, she wanted to focus on her future. She wanted to help others who were going through what she had gone through, and the best way was to become a clinical psychologist. She had applied to Baylor University, as they have a behavioral neuroscience doctoral program and by some miracle she had been accepted. She was so excited to start this new chapter in her life and could hardly wait to leave Alabama.

Things with Michael were also going very good, she thought to herself with a small smile. He had been coming in at least once a month – sometimes twice – and she had flown to Los Angeles to be with him a few times as well. They made it work somehow. They Skyped, they texted, they called and emailed multiple times a day. She didn’t think it was possible, but she fell more and more in love with him every day. He simply amazed her and she was so grateful for the relationship she had with him. How her new future would play out with Michael she did not know, and if she were to be honest, it did worry her a bit. She knew how rigorous the doctoral program would be, and the time constraints it would place on her. Michael was completely behind her though, knowing that this was her dream, the same as acting was his. They would figure it out somehow he told her.

The woman handed the papers back to her, and Jana looked them over carefully. “That’s it, ma’am. Enjoy your retirement.” She told Jana with a warm smile.

“Oh I am doing the early retirement thing...” Jana said hastily.

“Either way, you’ve done your time ma’am. What have you got planned for the future?” Jana smiled shyly, not sure how to proceed.

“Well, I am actually going back to school. Baylor to be exact.”

“Oh a Texas girl huh?” The woman laughed.

“Oh yes ma’am. Can’t wait to get back.” She really was excited to get back to Texas, although she dearly loved this part of Alabama.

“Well, like I said. Enjoy yourself. You are still young and have the whole world ahead of you. I wish you luck, young lady.”

“Ok thank you again.” Jana quickly stuffed all her paperwork in her bag, and headed out to her truck.

That was it, she thought, as she sat in her truck in a daze. She was cleared. The end of this month and she would be fully out of the Army for good. She was a little terrified if she were to be honest. The Army was all she had known for so many years. It was reliable, it was consistent, and it was safe for the most part. She thought back to many years ago when she had first made the decision to join, right out of high school. She knew now that she was trying to escape her past and took the quickest plane out of town – the Army. Just like that she was removed from the situation. Almost 15 years in and it was all coming to an end. For some stupid reason she felt like she was going to cry. What the fuck? She swiped at her eyes, feeling the tears pricking at her eyes.

This was a good thing, Sears! No, not Sears anymore, she reminded herself – it would be Jana now. No more last names for her. She sniffled again, feeling silly, as she texted Michael.

**Jana: _It’s done. I am a civilian now._**

She sat there waiting for some time, hoping he would not be busy and could text her back. She really needed him right now. Finally her phone buzzed in her hand.

**Michael: _How do you feel? I love you.._**

**Jana: _I don’t know. Stressed out. Is that stupid? I love you more_**

**Michael: _No baby, not stupid. Been doing this for so long. Transition. I am sure I love you more_**

**Jana: _You’re busy right now, aren’t you? I swear I love you more than you love me_**

**Michael: _Yeah. Been shooting all day. Nothing’s going right. I thought you weren’t going to swear anymore? I’ll show you that I love you more than you love me_**

**Jana: _Ok I’ll let you go. Call me later? Can we agree to love each other the same?_**

**Michael: _Right. Will call you later. We can agree but I do love you more_**

Jana smiled down at her phone before shutting it off. She dropped it in the cupholder before putting the keys in the ignition and starting up her truck. She needed to get home and get stuff packed up. She had less than a month to be cleared out of her house and it was moving way too fast for her liking.


	2. Chapter 2

34 years old and retired from the Army. Although it was an early retirement – at 15 years – it was a retirement nonetheless. Tonight was Jana’s last night in Alabama. She had already cleared her condo, and was back in a hotel. She sat on the couch, mindlessly flipping through the television channels, waiting for something to catch her eye. She popped another piece of chocolate in her mouth before something flashed across the bottom of the screen. _X-Men: First Class_. Definitely caught her eye and it had just started. This is how she would spend the next few hours…

There he was – her Michael as Magneto. Damn he was so gorgeous, even being a hard-headed asshole. She snuggled back into the couch, wrapping the blanket around her. She would hopefully fall asleep and dream of Michael. She missed him so much. She hadn’t heard from him in over 2 weeks as filming had taken him across the water to some other country. Germany? England? She couldn’t remember which he said or where he was now. All she knew was that he wasn’t there with her. She had texted him earlier in the week letting him know she would be leaving tomorrow morning. She hadn’t received a text back, so she never knew if he got it or not. Hopefully he would be able to come down to Texas and meet here there. She really needed to see him.

Her phone buzzed on the table. Finally! Please let it be Michael, please let it be Michael, she chanted to herself. She picked up her iPhone and sure enough it was Michael. She opened the message, a giddy smile on her face.

 **Michael:** _**I’m here, love. Come get me :-)** _

What? He’s here? Here where? Jana frowned down at her phone in confusion.

**Jana: _What do you mean? Where are you?_**

**Michael: _I am at the airport, hiding in the shadows. Come get me please?_**

**Jana: _Are you serious? I will be pissed if you are lying to me_**

**Michael: _Serious. I flew in here rather than back to LA. Come get me please._ **

Oh my God! Was he really here?? Jana could not keep the stupid smile off her face.

 **Michael:** _**I have a horde of women coming after me. If you want me in one piece you better hurry** _

**Jana:** _**Haha. On my way.** _

20 minutes later Jana was at the airport, waiting for Michael to walk out. She had texted him, letting him know she would drive through the arrival area and just grab him. As she turned the corner the second time, she saw him leaning up against the cement column, his hat pulled down low. She immediately felt the air rush out of her lungs, and her body started tingling knowing what was to come. She honked once, getting his attention, and he rushed out to her truck and climbed in. He only had a backpack, and in no time at all they were heading out of the airport and back to her hotel.

“Surprised?” Michael asked her playfully. Jana attempted to glare at him out of the corner of her eye, trying to keep her concentration on the road. They both knew she wasn’t mad.

“Hmmm…” she mumbled back. She still couldn’t believe he was here, the sneaky bastard. Once out of the airport, she pulled over to a gas station, pulled off to the side, and put the truck in park. Michael just stared at her as she hopped out and walked around to his side. She motioned for him to get out, and opened his door. He climbed out, and was immediately jumped on by Jana. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her legs around his waist, and kissed him hard, knocking his baseball cap off his head. She leaned back and smiled at him.

“You are such a jerk! Why didn’t you give me any warning you were coming?” she demanded, still clinging to him.

He smiled his sharky grin at her, and hugged her tight to him before replying, his mouth muffled by her hair. She had a death grip on him, if he were to be honest.

“I wanted to surprise you. I knew you were upset about getting out and all, so I figured I would come tonight and ride with you tomorrow.”

Jana leaned back to look at him incredulously. “Really? You have that many days off?”

“No not really, but I took them to be with you.” Jana hugged his neck once again, once again realizing how much she loved this man and how much he must love her.

“I love you so much, Michael. I really do,” she whispered against his neck.

“I love you too, baby.” He slid her down, his hands coming up to cup her cheeks. He kissed her once more, softly this time. “Let’s get out of here, right? I’m driving, so get in.” He winked at her and playfully swatted her on the rear end, before helping her climb in the truck. He shut the door behind her and leaned down to pick up his hat before walking around to the driver side and climbing in. He leaned over and gave her one more kiss before putting the truck in drive and heading out towards the hotel once again.

Jana just stared at him in awe or shock or something. Would she ever stop being surprised by this man?


	3. Chapter 3

They arrived back at the hotel over an hour later. Michael was starving of course, so they ran thru a drive-thru on the way home. Jana had no food at the hotel, so burgers it was. Michael dropped his bag by the couch and sat down, putting the rest of the food on the coffee table. Jana brought the drinks and sat down next to him. The television was still on. Michael cocked an eyebrow at Jana once he realized what was playing. She just shrugged her shoulders at him and took a sip of her drink.

“What?” She reached over and grabbed a fry.

“You just can’t resist me can you?” he teased, popping a fry in his own mouth.

“I was only watching it for James honestly…” Jana trailed off, not looking at him.

“Oh really? He’s a little shit you know?”

Jana laughed at him now, reaching over and tousling his hair.“No I can’t resist you. I was hoping that watching that would give me dreams of Magneto tonight…” she said shyly, biting at her lower lip.

Michael’s eyes were immediately drawn down, his pupils dilating as his body reacted to her. “I’ll give you something to dream about, don’t worry your sweet little ass over that, love,” his voice husky now.

They needed to hurry up and finish eating. Like right now. Michael quickly scarfed down the remainder of his burger – he’d eaten the majority on the drive – and grabbed Jana by the hand, pulling her down onto his lap. He situated her so that she was straddling him, one leg bent on either side. “Kiss me,” he whispered up at her, his blue eyes stormy with desire.

Jana obliged, bending down and pressing her lips to his, moaning as he nibbled at her lower lip. Fuck! He was so good at that and it never failed. She ground herself against his crotch, feeling his hard length pressed against her core. The friction between her panties and his cock were killing her. She needed him inside of her right now. Michael moved his hands down her back, cupping her ass and pulling her to him. Jana’s hands tangled in his hair, urging him to hurry. She slid her hands down and pulled at the hem of his shirt, eliciting a chuckle from Michael.

“Impatient, are we?” he murmured against her lips.

“Take it off.” Jana pulled at his shirt again, and Michael obliged, leaning forward and raising his arms so that she could pull his shirt up and off.

“Your turn, love.” Michael pulled Jana’s shirt up, bringing it over her head, and tossing it on the floor somewhere. She leaned into him, feeling his hot, hard chest pressed against her breasts. She was only wearing a light sleep bra, and it was no barrier against him. She could feel every bit of hair and hardness as they rubbed against her straining nipples. She felt his hands slide up, undoing the clasp on the bra, and pulling it down her shoulders. Finally! Michael pulled her in tighter, her bare breasts flattened against his chest. God he felt so good!

“You are so fucking sexy, Jana. I die when I feel you pressed against my chest like this,” Michael whispered against her lips, rubbing his hands up and down her back. “I want to fuck you right now, I don’t want to wait.”

Jana nodded against him, coherent thought gone at this point. Whatever he wanted she would give to him. She scooted back and stood up, taking her sweat pants off, along with her panties. She leaned forward, pulling at the buttons on Michael’s jeans, urging him to follow suit. He scooted forward, allowing her to pull his jeans off. Once they were both completely naked, Michael pulled Jana back down on top of him, once again having her straddle him. She leaned forward, taking his lip between her teeth as he guided his cock to her entrance. She sank down on him, feeling the delicious fullness fill her to the very brim. Michael hissed through his teeth, his hands clasped at the small of her back.

"Fuck Jana! How do you feel so good all the time?” He leaned forward, taking a taut nipple in his mouth. Jana moaned, arching her back into his mouth, wanting and needing more. She leaned into him, wanting to feel him as close to her as possible. She ran her hands along his broad shoulders, up and down his arms, feeling the sinewy muscle there. She circled her hips, eliciting another groan from Michael. She could feel how wet she was, and it was driving her insane. She needed him to move faster, to move harder. She started rocking faster on his lap, trying to reach all the spots inside her that she needed him to touch. Michael palmed one breast while his lips, tongue, and teeth lavished the other breast. He ran his hand down her side, grasping her hip as he pulled her to him. He pushed up into her, feeling like he couldn’t go any further, all the while Jana was grinding down on him. Push and pull, in and out, til they both felt the pressure building inside, deep in their groins.

“Jana, move baby. Move as fast as you want. Fuck me, baby..” Michael coaxed her, letting her set the pace. He was going to come regardless and he wanted to make sure she was satisfied. He felt Jana start to become erratic, moving and bouncing, up and down, trying to find her release. He switched to the other breast, pulling it in his mouth and sucking as his fingers found the nipple on her other breast. He rolled it between his fingers, pulling it, making it strain even harder. He continued sucking, biting, and nipping at her breasts as he slid his hands down to her ass, cupping her and spreading her cheeks over him, trying to get closer to her. His fingers traveled down her ass, lightly skimming over the entrance there before feeling the wetness where they were joined. He ran his fingers around them, feeling his cock buried deep inside of her. He rubbed the wetness between his fingers, running it back up between her anus and where they were joined so tightly. He moved one hand around to her clit, his thumb finding the little nub and lightly rubbing it. She was so fucking wet! He rubbed her wetness all over her sensitive clit, causing her legs to start trembling. She was close and so was he.

“Oh God, Michael! I am about to…please Michael….harder please!”

Jana moaned into his hair, grasping his head and pulling it to her. Michael bit down on her nipple, pulling her down onto him as he slammed into her as hard as he could. He felt her come undone around him, heard her strangled cries as she tried to bite back the scream. He felt her clench around him, her legs trembling as she came, and it sent him over the edge. He exploded inside her, holding her down to him as his orgasm rocked him to his core, pumping into her over and over again. They both finally stopped moving and leaned back against the couch, Michael with his head resting on Jana’s chest and his arms wrapped around her tightly. She was still straddling him and he was still hard inside her, and neither cared to move. She was lightly running her fingers through his hair and along the back of his neck. They sat in silence for some time, letting their breathing return to normal, before either spoke.

“Michael?”

“Uhmm?” Michael mumbled against her breast, sounding sleepy.

Jana giggled. “Are you asleep?”

“Uhmm..trying….” he mumbled again.

“I think we should go get in bed…”

He nodded against her chest, scooting forward to the edge of the couch and pushing up, still holding her in his arms. Jana wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck as he carried her to the bedroom and deposited her on the bed. He grabbed a towel from the bathroom and cleaned himself off, throwing it on the ground after. Not saying a word, he climbed in the bed and covered up. She swore she heard him snoring as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He must be extremely tired, Jana thought to herself as she went to the bathroom to clean up. She came back out a few minutes later and crawled in bed next to him. She wiggled under his arm, causing him to turn over and lay flat on his back as he pulled her to his chest. She wrapped one arm around his waist, and lay there listening to the steady beat of his heart beneath her ear. Would she ever get tired of this man?


	4. Chapter 4

It was around 1pm when Jana finally woke up. Michael had been driving for the past 5 hours, and they still had roughly 7 or so more hours to go. She looked sleepily over at Michael, still amazed that he was here and driving her truck. She stretched out her arms in front of her, trying to work out the kinks.

“Hey baby.” Michael smiled over at her. He was so cute with his shades and ball cap on. His scruff was on full display and she wanted so badly to run her hands over his cheeks. She unbuckled her seat belt and scooted over to the middle of the seat, sitting next to him. She buckled back up and rested her head on his shoulder. Michael put his hand on her thigh, squeezing right above her knee. He kissed her temple before saying, “I love you.”

“I love you more.” Jana said back. “Do you want me to drive? Are you tired?”

“Nah, I am good. We need to stop and get food though. I am fucking hungry.”

“You’re always hungry. I wish I could eat like you and never gain a pound.” She teased him, pinching at his belly.

“Hey woman, I’m driving here.” Michael teased her back, grabbing her wandering hand and bringing it to his lips for a kiss.

“Michael I am so happy you’re here with me. Can we just stay like this forever? Neither of us ever going back to work?” What a great idea, Jana thought dreamily. Just ride off together and ignore the world.

“I wish baby” He kissed her temple once again. “I can stay with you a few days to get you settled but then I gotta get back. My manager’s gonna have my head if I keep screwing around.”

“I know, I know. It’ll be fine once I get going. I just hate being away from you.” She frowned, thinking of how much it was going to suck when he was once again gone. Would they ever be settled? Where was this relationship heading? Really, Jana, what do you expect out of this – a white picket fence, two boys and a girl? Happily ever after? Yeah right, she sighed, her mouth contorting in aggravation.

“Hey, did you hear me? I am gonna pull over and get some food, right?” Michael looked at her through the rear view mirror, noticing the frown on her face. She was thinking about something and he could see the wheels turning. He was not sure if that was good or bad where she was concerned. “You all right? Jana?”

“Oh yeah, yeah. I am good. Just thinking about everything I need to get done before classes start. No biggie.” She smiled at him, trying to convince herself – and him – that she was fine. She did not need to have this conversation with him. It was way too early. She’d already fallen in love with him and admitted that. That was enough crazy to last for a while as far as she was concerned.

“You sure you’re alright?” Michael asked once more, pulling the truck off the highway and on to the feeder road, looking for somewhere to stop. He didn’t know what was bothering Jana but he knew there was something that she wasn’t telling him. He was doing everything he could to be supportive and be available to her. He just didn’t know if it was enough. Short of him quitting acting and moving in with her, this was their foreseeable future for some time.

Again he wondered to himself if she could handle this life of chaos - him coming and going, all the press junkets and promotional tours. He frowned too, thinking about the possibility of her dumping him over this kind of life. No, stop it. He would not think of that right now. He could not imagine that kind of future, one without her. He pulled the truck over to a Chick-Fil-A, parking for a few minutes before going to the drive-thru. He definitely didn’t want to go inside, but he needed to say something first. He put the truck in park and unbuckled, leaning back to look at Jana who was now looking at him curiously.

“You wanna go inside?” She asked him, starting to unbuckle herself and wondering why the change of heart. They both knew he would get swamped in there.

“No baby. I just need to tell you how much I love you.” He took her hand in his, bringing it once again to his lips and kissing each knuckle. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You know that right?”

Jana looked at him, stunned a bit by this admission out of the blue. She blinked back tears, wanting to confide in him so badly but knowing that she couldn’t. She couldn’t put demands on him. It was her insecurity that would ruin this whole damn thing. She just needed to be content with the time she had with him, and she needed to be strong. It would all work itself out for the best, whatever that was. She couldn’t throw away her dream and follow him around – she would hate herself for that, and eventually resent him for making her choose. She couldn’t ask him to give up acting either. It was a no-win situation and she –they – just needed to make the best of it until they couldn’t anymore. She bit at her bottom lip, the thought of not having him in her life making her ill. No, she wouldn’t think about that. Not now. She plastered a smile on her face, hoping it would be believable.

“I know Michael. I love you too. I am just a little tired is all.” She hoped he would believe her. She leaned over and took his face in her hands, cupping his gorgeously scruffy cheeks. She kissed him softly, savoring the feel of his lips against hers. She nuzzled his nose, her eyes tightly shut to keep the tears at bay. “Let’s get something to eat, huh? Don’t want you to waste away.”

She rubbed his stomach playfully. She needed him to believe her. The last thing she wanted was for him to view her as a clingy girlfriend. Michael looked at her carefully, not believing her ruse.

“You sure? You would tell me if something was wrong, right?”

“Yes, I am sure. Now let’s go eat okay? We’re burning daylight.” She smiled at him again, trying to convince herself she was okay.

Michael stared at her for a moment longer before nodding, “Ok then. We’ll go get food.”

He shifted the truck out of park and put it into drive, heading to the drive-thru and ordered their food. Once they were done ordering, he drove the truck back around to the parking lot where they were previously, and parked again so that they could eat. Neither spoke much, both wrapped up in their own thoughts and fears. When they finished, Michael got out, throwing away their trash. He hopped back in the truck and buckled up.

“You want me to drive?” Jana asked, knowing he had to be tired. Besides, she needed something to take her mind off things.

He smiled tensely at her. “No. I am good.” He knew he couldn’t sit over there quietly. He would go mad. No, he needed to drive, keep his mind busy. Jana scooted away from him, back into the passenger seat and buckled, looking out the window and chewing on her nail.

There were so many unspoken questions, wants, and needs in the air, and they were hanging like a dense fog, but neither wanted to voice them. Michael pulled the truck back out onto the feeder road, and climbed the ramp back up into the highway. It would be a long, quiet ride for the both of them.


	5. Chapter 5

They arrived in Waco later that evening and checked into a hotel near the campus. Tomorrow she would start looking for an apartment. Jana sat quietly in the truck as Michael checked them in. He still had his ball cap and sunglasses on, trying to ensure that he wouldn’t be recognized. He walked back out to the truck and hopped in, not saying a word. He put the truck in drive, and pulled around to the back of the hotel.

“Everything good?” Jana asked him. The lack of communication was killing her. She just wanted to get things back to normal and enjoy the limited amount of time she had with Michael.

“Yeah, it’s good. We got the king suite. We’ll go around the back and walk up that way.”

“Did anyone recognize you?” Jana continued, wanting to keep him talking now that he finally was.

“No.” Michael stated, not offering anything else up.

Well fuck, Jana thought to herself. He really wasn’t talking to her. She chewed nervously on what was left of her nail, wondering how to proceed with this distant Michael. Michael backed the truck up in a spot close to the hotel entrance and put it in park. He hopped out, grabbing his cell phone as well as both their suitcases from the backseat before shutting the door. Jana got out herself, grabbing her cell phone. She hesitated, grabbing at the empty drink cups and looking for any other trash that she could find before getting out. She looked up, seeing that Michael was standing by the truck, looking impatiently at her.

“Jana? Let’s go. I can do that later.” Fuck he sounded aggravated. “Let’s just get inside ok?” He motioned to the door, and Jana nodded in agreement. She would not argue with him right now. She shut her door quickly and hurried up to him, following as he opened the door and ushered her inside. They headed to the elevator and Michael pushed the button to go up. Once inside, he pushed the button for the 3rd floor. The silence was deafening. Jana stared at the doors, praying they would open quickly and save her from the uncomfortable feeling of being with Michael but not quite being with him. Why the fuck was he ignoring her? What did she do wrong? She wracked her brain, trying to think of ways to make it better, when she had no idea of what the fuck was wrong! Finally the doors opened, and Jana audibly breathed a sigh of relief, causing Michael to cut his eyes at her. Jana swallowed hard, looking down at the floor. Fuck.

Jana followed Michael out of the elevator and headed down the hallway, trailing behind him. They stopped at the last room on the right. Michael dropped his bag, pulled the key out of his pocket and swiped it, opening the door. He picked the bag back up and looked at Jana, motioning for her to step inside. He followed behind her, closing the door and locking it. Still not a word out of his mouth. Jana took in the large suite, seeing that it had 2 rooms as well as a large living area. She had never stayed in such huge hotels as she had since she had met Michael. The normal rooms with a double bed were a thing of the past. She walked over to the window and pulled open the curtains, staring at the lights that were the city of Waco. This is where she would be for the next 5 years or so – depending on how long it took her to earn her PhD.

She turned back around, looking for Michael. He was nowhere to be found. She noticed the door was open to the bedroom and she walked over. She could hear the shower running. Fuck! He was really ignoring her! Jana’s insecurity started welling up inside, bubbling to the surface and threatening to tear her down. Was he finally tired of her and all her bullshit? He had enough time to think on the drive – maybe he had come to his senses about her. Who the fuck would wait around for someone to go to school for 5 years? He could have any woman he wanted, why choose her? Yes, she nodded to herself, that had to be it. He’d changed his mind about her. She fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist, her brow creased in confusion and dismay. Not knowing what to do, she grabbed her own suitcase and headed to the second bedroom. Closing the door behind her, she laid her suitcase on the bed and opened it, pulling out her clothes to sleep in. She needed to get a shower herself, maybe try to calm her nerves.

Looking around the room, she willed herself not to cry. She knew it was a matter of time before this happened. She should have been expecting it. Michael would probably leave tomorrow and that would be it. She pinched the bridge of her nose, pleading with herself not to cry as the first tear slipped out. She bit at her lip, trying to quell the tremble there. She quickly grabbed her things and headed into her shower. She could cry once she got in there, she told herself. Not out here, not where he could see.


	6. Chapter 6

Michael stepped out of the shower, still feeling guilty about leaving Jana out there alone. He stood in front of the sink, looking in the mirror. As he toweled off his hair, he berated himself again for being an asshole.

“What the fuck are you doing, Fassbender?” he asked his reflection, his mouth set in a hard line.

Although he couldn’t exactly say where his fucked up mood came from, he had an inkling of what might have caused it. Before they had eaten, he told her would do anything for her. He noticed a shift in her mood – so he thought – and he had tried to reassure her. She didn’t believe him. He saw it in her eyes, and as she pulled away from him, scooting back to her side. She didn’t believe him. Would she ever? He never knew where he stood with her. Did she trust him? He had no fucking idea.He had never had to work this hard for a relationship. This – Jana – was exactly why he never got this involved. Too much bullshit. It was much easier to stay disconnected, never investing yourself with one person.

Looking carefully at himself in the mirror again, he realized that he could not quite be himself as long as he was with Jana. He was too worried about her, too concerned with how she was feeling, and this scared the shit out of him. Would she ever trust him enough to allow him to be who he was? He was used to being separated from loved ones and the occasional girlfriend, but she would not take it well, he was sure of that. If he were to be perfectly honest he didn’t know if he would take the separation well either. He loved her. He wanted to be with her. However, he knew that she needed this degree and it was going to take a long time. A very long time. They would be commuting back and forth for maybe 5 years. Could a relationship endure that? Fuck if he knew.

She would change over the next few years. He knew she would. She had already changed since he had first met her. She was no longer the shell of a woman she once was. She was more confident, more sure of herself. She was retired from the military and now working on a PhD. By all measures she was incredibly accomplished in her own right. Maybe she didn’t need him as much? That thought was always playing in the back of his mind, warring with his confidence in their relationship. She didn't want or need his money, as she had shown that time and time again. Money was all he had going for him really. Money and fame - both of which Jana cared not much about.  He had never been in the military and he had no degree. What the fuck did he know about psychology and college for that matter? She was fucking smart and she was going to be hanging around a lot of really fucking smart people for the next five years. What if she met some other psychology guy and they hit it off? Michael glared again at himself, already cursing the fucker that might come along in his absence. He would beat the shit out of him – him and his fucking degree.

Michael sighed now, leaning forward and gripping the counter. Who was he kidding? If he left her alone for all those years, what did he expect to happen? Relationships don’t work when you spend more time apart than together. He knew he couldn’t burden Jana with his fears and insecurity though, as he wanted her to pursue her dreams as much as he wanted to chase his own. He never wanted to be the reason why she gave up. What the fuck was the solution then? Would they ever be able to find a happy medium where they could have everything they both wanted? If he was what she wanted? He didn’t fucking know the answer to anything anymore. Usually he was a confident person, not worried about too many things, but this was different. He could pull his fucking hair out in frustration over this situation with the woman he loved.

He grabbed his deodorant, slapping some on angrily. He tossed it back on the counter, and walked over to the bed, grabbing his boxers and sleep pants, and pulled them on. He didn’t need a shirt. It was too fucking hot here in Texas, even in this room. The door to his bedroom was still open, but he didn’t see Jana out in the living area. He stepped out of his room, looking around for her. Her suitcase was gone, meaning she must be in the other room. Michael angrily ran his hand through his hair, cursing himself once again for leaving her out here alone. Now she was over there, probably thinking he was ignoring her. He stared at her door for a moment, wondering what to do. Fuck it. He was not going to sleep alone tonight, even if she didn’t want to be with him. He walked over and turned the knob on the door, letting himself inside.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been listening to "Cold and Empty" by Kid Rock and "Faithfully" by Journey. Those songs may or may not have inspired my train of thought here...

Michael was sitting on the edge of her bed when Jana stepped out of the bathroom. She was not dressed – wrapped only in a towel – and quickly tried to duck back in the bathroom to fix that when Michael’s voice halted her.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Fuck he was talking to her now? Jana stood still, her emotions warring deep inside her. She had cried her eyes out, and quite frankly did not have the strength for this right now. Everything was falling apart for whatever reason and all she wanted to do was curl up in a defeated ball and sleep.

“Jana? Baby, do you want me to go? I will if it’s what you want.” Michael asked her softly once again.

“No. It’s fine. Just let me get dressed please.”

Jana did not turn around before she headed back into the restroom to get dressed. She closed the door and leaned up against it, her fists clenching at her sides and her heart pounding. She had no tears left. He wanted to talk now? About what, she wondered? She was more than terrified that he would be telling her he was done. He had been so distant all day, and now he wanted to talk? She pulled her clenched fist up to her mouth, biting it to muffle the sound that wanted to escape her. Better to get it over with now, she thought to herself, hot tears once again stinging her eyes. How she any left was beyond her.

She couldn’t stay in the bathroom all night, though she wished she could. Jana grabbed her panties, pulling them on and pulling her sweats on after. She hastily donned her bra, and then pulled her tank top over her head before reaching for her deodorant and rolling it on. She looked at herself in the mirror, seeing how her face was once again splotchy from her tears. Her eyelids were puffy, and her cheeks were tender from wiping her face so much. She tried to rub some lotion on her face, feeling the sting as she smoothed it over her irritated skin. That didn’t help – in fact it made her face even redder if that was possible. She left her hair down, the tangled, curly mess hanging down her shoulders. Fuck it, she thought to herself. What did it matter? He was probably about to break up with her, and at least she had the devastated, crying-all-night look down pat. Her nerves were frazzled beyond belief.

She stepped back out into the room, seeing Michael still setting on the edge of her bed. He was not looking at her, but rather down at his hands which were clasped together in his lap. She was unsure of what to do and where to go, so she walked over to the head of the bed and sat down where she would sleep tonight. She checked her phone once, seeing no messages or missed calls. She sat down on the bed, backed up against the headboard and pulled her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her folded legs, and rested her chin on her knees. Should she talk? Fuck she didn’t know what to do!! Michael was still sitting there, not looking at her, and not talking!

“What’s going on here?” Michael asked softly, turning slowly to face her. He made no move to get closer, just looked at her curiously. “What did I do wrong?”

Jana’s face screwed up in a confused look, her mind scrambling for the meaning behind his question? What did he do wrong? What?

“Ever since we ate this morning, things have been different. Please tell me what I did,” he implored her softly. “Love, tell me please so I can fix it.”

“Michael, you didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t know what you mean?” Jana tried to remain calm, tried to keep her tears at bay and control that damn lip that was trembling already.

“Why did you move away from me earlier in the truck?”

Jana’s brain screamed at her to talk to him, tell him what she was thinking, but she couldn’t do it. He would think she was crazy. No, she couldn’t place demands on him now and burden him with her insecurities yet again. The relationship was too fresh, too new for all of that. She was so afraid she would scare him off. If there was any chance of him staying, she wouldn’t ruin it by dumping her fears on him now.

“It was nothing, I was just thinking…” she trailed off, not knowing where to go with this. Why was it so hard to hide things from him? She felt like he was staring right into her heart and knew everything that she was concealing from him. He stood up and moved closer, now sitting a few inches away from Jana on the edge of the bed.

“What were you thinking about?” He asked her, pulling one hand away from her knee and tangling his fingers with hers.

“Us,” she whispered, not looking at him as the damn tears almost spilled over. She blinked rapidly, trying to control the dam that was about to burst. He was so close but so far away. She desperately wanted to reach out and grab him, kiss his scruffy face and lose herself in him, but she knew nothing would get solved with sex.

“What about us, love? Please tell me.” Michael brought her hand to his lips, kissing it tenderly. God he fucking loved her. He wanted to pull her into his arms, kiss her senseless like he always did, but he knew they needed to talk. If he started kissing her now he would never stop. Jana looked up at him now, her eyes pained and full of tears.

“Is there an us, Michael? Will there always be an us or is it going to end now? Oh God..” she choked out, the damn tears overflowing and running down her cheeks. She hated fucking crying! Michael leaned forward now, pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her as she cried into his bare chest. He rubbed her back and hair, whispering soothing words and sounds into her ear.

“Baby I want there to be an us. I told you – whatever I’ve gotta do, right?” He continued rubbing her back, his fingers soothing the bare skin above her tank top collar. “What do I have to do to make you believe me? You have to help me, Jana. I am lost, completely out of my element here. I don’t know what to do.”

Jana stiffened in his arms upon hearing those words. What was he saying now? Did he really want to be with her? He wasn’t breaking up with her? She was so fucking confused!

“Jana?” he pressed, needing some kind of answer from her. He didn’t know what to do right now, how to make things better for them.

“I just need you too much. It scares me, Michael. School, your career, us being apart – it scares me. I don’t know what to do. One day I am fine and confident in us, and then my mind starts running away and I worry,” she whispered into his chest, the tears again threatening to spill over. “I worry you’ll get tired of me, tired of waiting. Do you want me to give up school?” she let the words slip out, knowing it went against every fiber of her being to give up so much. She had fought so hard to get here, to become who she was now. How could she do that? Would she hate him later for that decision? She knew in her heart she would at the very least resent him.

Michael pulled her back from his chest and cupped her cheeks, his thumbs wiping at the tears that were still flowing freely down her red cheeks. She was looking up at him, her eyes betraying her last words. He knew she would never give up her dreams - much the same way that he wouldn’t. He leaned forward, kissing her softly, before replying.

“No baby. I don’t want you to give up your dream. Please never think that.” Jana opened her mouth to speak, and he silenced her with another kiss, this one much harder this time. “Let me finish, right?” She nodded up at him, still dazed from the kiss. “I am scared shitless Jana. Never been so fucking scared in my life. I love you more each day, and that terrifies me. I worry about you more than I worry about myself. I don’t know what our future holds, but I don’t want to give up now. I couldn’t even if I tried. You have to believe me.” He looked at her, imploring her with his eyes and words to trust in him, trust in them. “I know it will be hard, and I don’t know if we’ll come out on top in the end, but for right now I don’t want to quit. I can’t. Do you?”

Jana shook her head, unable to speak, his words had shaken her to her very core. Was she dreaming? She was absolutely sure he was going to break up with her, and now he was trying to convince her not to break up with him?

“I know you are leery of relationships, and you have every right. I can’t promise you it will be perfect, and we will struggle over the next few years as we both go after what we want. What I can promise you is that I will love you with all my heart as long as you let me. I will do everything in my power,  limited as that is, to make this work between us. I’ll buy you a fucking jet, a house in every city – whatever it takes to keep us together. I just need you to trust me, baby. Trust us.” He pulled her hand over his heart, covering it with his own. “Trust this, if nothing else.” Jana could feel his heart beating quickly beneath her hand, saw the love in his eyes as he stared at her, begging her to believe him. “Can you do that? Can you just trust us right now and not worry about tomorrow? We’ll worry about tomorrow when it gets here. Please baby, just trust me and trust in our love. Please?” He asked her, and Jana was almost certain he had tears in his eyes now.

Did she really affect him this much? She did not deserve him, did not deserve someone to love her this much. That damn lump was in her throat, threatening to choke her once again. All she could do was nod her head at him, her mouth refusing to form any coherent words. She moved her hands up to his face now, laying them on his scruffy cheeks, loving the feel of his beard underneath her fingers. God how she loved this beautiful man! She leaned forward, pressing her lips to his, breathing in his breath, the smell of gum and Michael intoxicating her. She softly nibbled his lower lip, causing him to inhale sharply. He moved his hands down, resting them on her lower back as he pulled her closer to him and kissed her back, his tongue sliding in between her lips, tangling with hers. Even if they failed to communicate with words, this – the kisses, the touches, the passion between them – this was a language they both understood.

Michael pulled back now, his breathing ragged as he stared at the woman he loved more than he loved himself. Jana, with her red-rimmed eyes and puffy, tear-stained cheeks, and all that damned insecurity. He would show her time and time again how much he loved her, in words and in actions. He would do it until she believed him, however long that would take. He leaned forward, nuzzling her nose with his as he whispered. “I love you, baby. You have my heart for as long as you want it. It’s yours.”

Jana tightened her arms around him, her tears falling down and landing on his cheeks now. She just wanted to stay here on his lap, wrapped around him so tightly and never be separated from him ever again. Michael took her lips again, kissing her tenderly this time, no rush, his lips soft against hers. He picked her up off his lap and laid her down on the bed, his body covering hers as he nestled himself between her thighs. He continued his slow, lazy kisses up and down her jaw, over her lips, not in a hurry at all. Jana was squirming beneath him, apparently having other ideas. She was running her arms up and down his bare back and chest, pulling him closer to her.

“Michael. Please now. I don’t want slow. Please I just want you now,” Jana whispered in his ear, her teeth grazing his earlobe as he kissed her neck. She needed him right now, inside her, filling her up and making her his. She clawed at his back, trying to convey the message to him through whatever way she could. Sensing her urgency, Michael pushed up off the bed, kneeling as he pulled her sweat pants and panties off. He hastily ripped his pants and boxers off, his erection springing free. He positioned himself back on top, quickly finding her entrance and plunging in. He hissed through is teeth, feeling her clench at him even now, deep inside her body pulling at him.

“Michael please. Hard. Please. Harder!” Jana urged him on, needing a release now. Michael slammed in to her, his hips moving quickly, erratically even, as he sought his own release. He heard Jana moaning in his ear and felt the trembling in her legs as she climbed higher and higher to her orgasm. Not like this, he wanted to do something different this time.  He pulled out of her, earning a gasp from Jana. He almost chuckled at the evil look she was giving him, but he needed to be closer to her, however he could manage it.

“Come here,” he said huskily as he pulled her up with him. He sat back on the bed, leaning against the headboard and  pulling Jana down on top of him, straddling him as he slowly guided her down on him until he was buried to the hilt. Jana looked down at him through her lashes in wonder, never having had made love this way. Michael tugged at her tank top, pulling it up and over her head. He reached around and unhooked her bra, pulling it down her arms and tossing it on the floor. He let out a groan as he pressed her naked breasts against his bare chest, clutching her tightly to him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, leaning her forehead against his. Oh God she felt so close to him here, looking into his eyes as he moved her up and down over his hard length.

“Baby I love you,” he whispered against her lips, his eyes boring into hers. “Do you love me?”

Jana nodded, unable to speak now, her body losing control. She tangled her fingers in his hair, still slightly wet from the shower. She felt his hands slide down her back, clutching at her thighs, pulling her as close to him as he could.

“Tell me.” He whispered against her lips, nuzzling her cheeks and nose as he continued to grasp her hips, pushing and pulling her up and down on him. She could feel the delicious ache in her thighs, her muscles straining with the effort to get closer to him.

“I love you, Michael,” Jana mumbled into his mouth, her eyes clenched shut now as she tried to stave off her impending orgasm. She wanted to stay here – like this – for as long as she could. She had never felt closer to him. “I love you.” Jana shifted, unfolding her legs and wrapping them around him, loving the feeling of being so tightly connected to him. She crossed her ankles behind his lower back, and pulled him in tighter. Michael began to pump into her harder and Jana could feel herself begin to unravel. She angled her hips on him, pulled at his shoulders, trying to maneuver him right where she wanted him. She was desperate now, frantically pulling at him and gripping his shoulders, leaving half-moon imprints from her nails digging in his skin. “Please Michael,” she pleaded with him, needing him now more than ever.

Michael gripped her tighter once more, pulling her down on him as she exploded around him, leading to his own release deep inside her. He buried his face in her neck as he continued moving, Jana pulling every last drop from him. When their breathing finally settled, Jana was nuzzling his hair as Michael lightly kissed her neck. They were still tightly connected, neither wanting to move from this position. Jana could feel tears in her eyes as she reveled in the feeling of him being in her arms, of being so close to him. She would give up the world for this man - she knew that now without a doubt. She loved him so much it made her heart ache. How would she ever live without him, after having known this kind of love was possible?


	8. Chapter 8

Jana and Michael were lying in bed later that evening, Michael with his head on Jana’s stomach. She was absentmindedly playing with his hair, twisting it around her fingers. They hadn’t spoken much, having made love instead. It was almost desperate, Jana thought, as if they were trying to convince the other of the depth of their feelings. She had never felt such intensity before, and certainly not before she had met Michael. She was truly and deeply in love with this man, a small smile of contentment playing on her lips.

“What’s going on in that beautiful brain, love?” Michael mumbled against her bare stomach, his lips causing her to shiver.

“Just thinking about how much I love you. Nothing serious…” she teased him, causing him to turn his head up at her and give her a mock glare.

“Nothing serious, eh? Do I need to show you again how serious I am?” He started kissing her stomach, his tongue dipping in her navel and causing her body to break out in goosebumps.

“Seriously? Again? You are going to kill me…” Jana argued half-heartedly, knowing that if he wanted to make love again she would be more than willing. She pulled at his hair, trying to get him to come up and kiss her. He obliged, sliding up her body as he pulled both of her hands above her head, trapping her wrists in his larger hand. His free hand cupped her chin, his thumb tracing over her lower lip. He stared down at her as Jana futilely struggled against his grip on her hands.

“Keep moving like that you little brat and I’ll be ready in no time,” he murmured, nipping at her lower lip again. “But I’ll give you a break I suppose.” He released her wrists as he rolled off her, lying flat on his back.

Jana, now missing his warmth, rolled over and scooted closer to him, kissing his shoulder as she lay her head down on the edge of her pillow. She stared at his profile in the dim light of their room, seeing that beautiful nose and thin lips. He was so damn good looking, warm and weathered and perfect. She was completely unprepared for his next statement.

“If you meet a psychology guy and fall in love I will be very pissed off.” Michael didn’t look her way, speaking up at the ceiling. “Just so you know…”

Jana desperately tried to hold the giggle in, biting the side of her mouth in vain. He was absurd! He was a movie star, and fucking hot, and all the women – and men probably – wanted him, and he was worried about her meeting someone? She giggled again, drawing Michael’s aggravated stare this time as he turned to face her.

“You think that’s funny? I am serious. I will kill him. Then I’ll go to prison and my career will be over. Do you really want to have that on your conscience?” He flopped his head back down on his pillow in annoyance and stared up at the ceiling again.

Jana laughed out loud this time. She could not believe him. Was he being serious? The man hangs out with movie stars every day and beautiful models, and he was worried about her? Again, the man was absurd.

“Now is the time when you convince me that I am the only one for you, and that you’d never cheat on me with some psychology doctor.” Michael mumbled, his tone clipped. His fingers tapped his chest in annoyance. She saw him glance out of the corner of his eye at her, waiting for her response.

“Psychology doctor?” Jana giggled again, much to Michael’s growing aggravation. She really could not believe this conversation…

“Whatever the fuck they are called, yes!”

Jana sobered up now, realizing he really was being serious. She still couldn’t believe that he would be jealous of her, but apparently he was. She placed her hand on his, stopping the fingers that were still tapping in aggravation.

“Michael I am sorry. I thought you were joking.” Jana said quietly, unsure of how to proceed. She had never had anyone be jealous of her as far as she could remember.

“Why would I joke about that? I am an actor, Jana. Just a guy with a little money. I don’t have a degree, never been in the military. We have nothing in common as far as that goes. Yes. I am fucking serious when I tell you I am worried.”

Jana crawled over him, straddling his legs with hers. She pulled his arms out to his side, holding each of his large hands in her smaller ones. Her breasts were pressed firmly to his chest as she lowered her head, nuzzling at the hard line of his mouth. “There is no one else for me, Michael. You are it.” She kissed him in between sentences, trying to get him to relax. He was really angry right now. “I will never cheat on you with a doctor or anyone else. I love you, Michael and you are what I dream about all day and all night.”

He looked at her skeptically before asking, “How can you be sure? What if some ass - ”

It was Jana’s turn to cut him off this time, much the same way he always silenced her. With a scorching kiss she poured all of herself in him, determined to show him how much she loved and wanted him. Oh yes, she wanted this man for the rest of her days. “I am sure, Michael,” she tugged on his lips, earning a groan in response. “I have never been more sure of anything in my life. You are it for me. You are the sexiest man I have ever been around, and the fact that you chose me blows my mind.” She kissed him again, moving to his ear, feeling the shiver as she took his earlobe in between her teeth and lightly bit.

“I can never repay you for what you did for me in those days, Michael. I was lost and somehow you pulled me back. I was drowning and you saved me.” She moved back around, staring in his eyes as she released his hands. She placed her hands on each side of his face as she lightly kissed his lips again. “There is no one else for me, Michael. It’s you. I think it’s always been you and I was going through all that shit so that I could appreciate you more when you finally showed up. I love you and it will always be you. No one else.” She kissed below his eyes, then his eyelids as he closed his eyes, his arms wrapping around her waist and pulling her to him. She buried her face in his neck, once again feeling those damn tears trying to fall. “I love you, Michael. Please believe me and please never worry about that, ok?” She let out a little sniffle.

“Don’t cry, Jana. I hate when you cry.”

“Then stop making me cry, jerk.” Jana giggled now against his neck, knowing that her Michael was back again. How she loved this man. He had no idea the power he had over her. “Tomorrow can we have the conversation about how you can’t look at other women, especially beautiful models and actresses?” She kept her tone light, trying for jocularity, but they both knew deep down that Jana was bothered by these scenarios that he would undoubtedly face in his career. Michael rolled them over, looking down at Jana now as she tried to hide her face from him.

“Don’t hide from me, sweetie. Never from me, I already told you.” Now he kissed her back, nuzzling her nose with his. “None of those women have anything on you, sweetheart. They never will. My girl is fucking hot, and smart as fuck, and she can shoot. How can they compete with that?” Jana smiled up at him, flushing at his praise and falling in love with him a little bit more if that was possible. No one had ever complimented her like he had and no one had ever believed in her like he did.

“Kiss me.” She smiled up at him from beneath her lashes.

“You are a bossy little thing, aren’t you? I thought you were tired?”

“I was giving you a break. A man of your advanced age needs time to recuperate. That’s why I only asked for a kiss…” she teased him, wiggling underneath him. She could feel his hardness already pressed against her. Michael snorted – if that’s what it could be called – and looked down the tip of his nose at her.

“Please woman. You should be careful what you wish for.” He slid down her body, kissing along her breasts, her stomach, and down to her thighs before planting a kiss _there_. Jana almost came off the bed at the feeling of his hot breath on her most sensitive area.

“Michael! I said a kiss!” She looked down at him in shock, watching as he grabbed her thighs and spread them apart.

He grinned up at her, his sharky smile on full display. “I know, love. Who am I to argue with a lady?”


	9. Chapter 9

The next day found Jana and Michael searching for an apartment or condo. Michael was the most aggravating man to search for a home with! It was either too small for her, too dangerous, not big enough, no yard, not close enough to school – you name it and he found something wrong with it. They had taken a break for lunch and Michael had headed into town to take care of some business. Jana stayed back at the hotel, napping, while he did whatever it was he needed to do. When he returned a few hours later, he told her he had found one more place to look at. At this point and time, Jana no longer cared. She could live on campus as far as she was concerned.

As Michael dragged her along with him to the next place - with her contemplating killing him - they ended up at a gorgeous, 3 bedroom, fully-detached ranch style home on 2 acres. Perfect for when she could afford it, but right now it was too big and too overpriced for Jana’s liking.  Michael would not hear of anything else.  Just come take a look at it, he had told her as he pulled her reluctantly inside with him. It had a huge yard and a privacy fence along with a pool and a Jacuzzi. When they were quoted the price - $2500 a month!! – Jana’s eyes bugged out and she shook her head at Michael.

“I cannot afford that!” she whispered furiously, her eyes darting to the realtor, trying not to let the her overhear. That was unlikely as the poor woman had barely taken her eyes off Michael the entire time she had been showing them places, blushing every time he said a word to her. Jana rolled her eyes, wondering if the woman even knew he had someone with him. She grabbed Michael’s hand, pulling him away from Miss Fluttering Eyelashes for a few minutes.

“Michael this is ridiculous. What do I need this much house for? Besides I cannot afford that! I could buy a house for that amount of rent each month! That’s crazy!” She was still whispering angrily, albeit a bit louder this time.

“Don’t worry about it, love.” Michael grinned down at her, pulling her into his arms. Jana momentarily resisted as she tried to maintain her aggravation with him. He was ridiculous, he really was. He kissed the tip of her nose, holding her reluctantly against him. It was hard to stay mad at him, it really was, but right now she needed to be strong. She buried her face in his chest as he kissed the top of her head. She leaned back and looked up at him.

“Michael, seriously. It’s too much house for me. It really is. I would like something smaller.”

“Well that’s unfortunate as I already bought it. I just wanted to bring you buy to see what you thought. Consider it your retirement-welcome-to-college gift from me.” He grinned at her, all teeth on display. He wiggled his eyebrows, waiting on her response. When Jana just stared at him, her mouth agape, his grin began to falter. “Baby? Say something, please.”

Jana pulled out of his arms, walked over to the back door and stepped outside, slamming the door behind her. Michael looked after her, stunned at her response. What the fuck had he done now? He thought she would be happy with the house. It was a fucking ranch thing like she always talked about. It even had a pool! Everything she said she had wanted. Plus it was private, away from everyone, which is what they needed. What the fuck?

He held up one finger, motioning to the realtor to give them a moment before opening the door and heading out back to find Jana. She was standing by the edge of the pool, looking out over the fence at the view of Waco. She had her arms crossed across her chest and he could tell she was aggravated with him.  It really was a lovely house, the view of the college right down the road.  What was there to be unhappy about? He came to stand by her, not touching her though. They stood in silence for a moment before Michael couldn’t take it anymore.

“Please tell me what I did wrong now. Jana?” To be honest he was getting aggravated himself now. He hated shopping and this was shopping even if it was for a house.  He made a decision, thinking that she would be happy, and now she wasn’t. For whatever reason she was pissed at him and he couldn’t figure out why.  He had bought her a house for fuck’s sake! “Jana?”

“Michael I don’t want to sound ungrateful, but I really don’t want you to buy me a house. I mean seriously!?" She screeched, glaring at him, anger evident in her eyes. He thought he saw tears there as well, although he couldn’t figure out why she would be crying. He did not understand women. Not one fucking bit.

“Why not?” He asked her quietly, taking a hesitant step back. She was scaring the shit out of him right now. He’d never seen her this pissed and at him. He thought he did something good!

“Because I need to do things on my own! Don’t you understand? I don’t want you buying me things like this. It feels cheap to me, like I am after your money. Can you not see that?”

Fuck. Yeah she was crying now, in anger or frustration, he didn’t know, but now he understood her anger. It wasn't the house she was pissed with - it was the fact that he had bought it for her.  She wiped her hands across her cheeks, angrily pulling her hair back off her face and walked away from him again, stopping by the gate. She planted her hands on her hips as she stared out at the open land, Waco stretching out before them. The only thing she wasn’t doing was tapping her foot, Michael thought as he bit at his lip, trying to stop the smile that was forming there.  His little brat was really pissed at him. He shoved his hand in his pocket, knowing it was now or never.  She was super pissed at him and he needed to make it right. Like immediately.  He hoped his plan would work….

Fuck Fassbender, here goes nothing he thought to himself.  He had assumed this was going to be easier but he was fucking nervous as hell.  He walked over to Jana, and stood behind her, pulling her back against him and wrapping his arms around her waist. She tried to pull out his grasp, but he held her to him, his lips finding her neck as he tried to calm her down.

“Michael, get off me. Stop-” she tried to swat at his hands around her waist, trying to get away from him.

“No, baby you stop.” He turned her around, placing a finger on her lips to silence her. She stared back at him with angry eyes, her mouth set in hard line.  Michael was momentarily sidetracked by how beautiful she was when mad, her brown eyes sparking with anger and wayward hair blowing in the Texas wind.  He thought he could see the muscle ticking in her jaw. Fuck but she was mad at him! He swallowed hard, swallowing his nerves and steeling his resolve once again.  Just do it, Fassbender!

“Baby, you have to listen to me. Let me explain. It’ll make sense if you let me explain.” Jana went to open her mouth again – of course – and Michael placed his whole hand over her mouth this time. “Really? Can you not be quiet for just a few minutes?” She glared at him but made no move to talk as he slowly removed his hand. “Ok good.  Just let me explain, right?” He spoke softly now. Jana had her arms crossed once again, and her foot was definitely tapping now. He needed to hurry before she punched him.

“Right. Okay so here’s the deal. I know you don’t want me to buy you these things and I get it. You need to be independent and do things on your own. I get it. Here’s how I see it though. We have to live away from people because you know why, so campus was not gonna work. Apartments wouldn’t work because you want to rescue every animal you see. Yes, the house is large, but it’s everything you told me you wanted. The pool, the land, the fence. It’s a fucking ranch too, just like you wanted remember?” Jana still glared at him, although he thought she was softening. At least he hoped she was… “So I bought this house not just for you, but for me as well. You can have your friends over, and we have plenty of room. You can have a library or office like you said you wanted, remember? When you get pissed at me there’s a spare bedroom…”

He grinned at her now, hoping she would argue with his last statement. When she didn’t, his grin fell and he felt his nerves attempting to get the better of him again.  Hold it together, man! He smoothed his hand over his face, rubbing his chin as he mentally prepared for his next idiotic move. And he was sure it was going to be monumentally idiotic.  Probably the most idiotic thing he had ever done…

He pulled the small box out of his pocket and dropped it.  He fucking dropped it in the dirt.  Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fucking idiot! He was so fucking nervous! He leaned down and picked it up, dusting it off.  Jana stared at him, her hand now covering her mouth. She stepped back from him.

“What is that?” she whispered, her hand still covering her mouth. She would not believe that was what she thought it was. It couldn’t be.

Michael walked towards her now, dropping down on one knee in front of her. She could feel her heart thumping in her chest, the air being squeezed from her lungs. This could not be happening!  He looked up at her shyly before speaking, the box held in his hand. Were his hands shaking??

“Ok so I don’t know what the fuck I am doing. One knee? Both knees? I don’t fucking know. I am not asking you to marry me, since I know you’ll say it’s too early and I agree. For right now anyways.” He looked at her sharply, arching one eyebrow. This was not going how he envisioned it going. “Ok right. Fuck! Okay let me start over, okay?” He stammered out, sounding like a complete ass. Jana just nodded at him, speechless for once. He almost wished she would say something, anything, to help him out!

“Ok. Right. So I love you Jana. You know this. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, or for us to make this work. One day I am positive I will ask you to marry me but for right now, I want to give you this as just as a promise. As a promise that I will love you as long as you allow me. As a promise that I won’t look at any models or actresses ever again.” He grinned at her, and she grinned back now, biting her lower lip, tears in her eyes. Yes! Michael thought to himself - he was making headway! He let out the breath he had been holding and continued on…

“So I bought the house because I was giving it to the woman that I was promising my heart to. So if you aren’t that woman, then I will take the house back. Whatever you want to do, baby. I hope you will say yes and wear this ring, and keep the house, and keep me.” He opened the box up, holding it up to her, and Jana saw a diamond solitaire, beautiful and sparkling in the sun. It was in the shape of a heart. He had bought her a ring in the shape of a heart, the asshole.  He really was giving her his heart.  She felt the tear roll down her cheek and she sniffled, all her anger gone now. He had done all this for her?  She looked at the ring and then back at him, then back at the ring and back again at him.  She should say something…

“Baby? Say something. Quite uncomfortable down here.”

“You want to give that to me?” she whispered, still in shock. Was she dreaming? She had to be dreaming –

“With all my heart I want to give this to you.” Michael interrupted her thoughts. “Please tell me you will wear it?” He looked up at her, needing an answer. Jana just nodded, unable to speak as she launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and knocking him to the ground.  Michael smiled up at the sky, holding on top of him as she buried her face in his neck.

“Is that a yes, beautiful girl?”

“Yes.” Jana mumbled into his neck.

He could feel her tears soaking his shirt collar. She was always crying around him and he never knew if it was good or bad. He had a lot to learn about women still. He sat up, holding Jana too him still. She straddled him, legs bent on either side of his. She still had her face buried in his neck. Michael pulled her back, cupping her cheek in his hands, forcing her to look at him.

“You have no idea how much I love you, do you?” He nipped at her lower lip, the taste of her tears salty on his lips.

“It can’t be as much as I love you…” she whispered back against his mouth, her hands tangling in his hair.

“You gotta stop wiggling that sweet little ass. The realtor would be shocked, love.” Michael grinned at her, biting her lip once more. “Sit back, baby, and let me see if this ring will fit.”

Jana sat back, in shock still as he pulled the ring from the box and slid it on her ring finger. He looked up at her, unsure of himself.

“Does it go on that finger? I have no idea.” He looked back down at her finger and then back up at her. He was so cute when he was nervous. Jana looked down at the ring, turning her hand in the sunlight and watching it sparkle. It almost fit perfectly. She looked back up at Michael and grinned again.

“I think it goes on that finger. It’s where I’ll wear it regardless.” She leaned forward and cupped his cheeks, pulling his lips to hers. “I love you so much. I am sorry I was being such a brat. I didn’t know, Michael. I didn’t know what was going on.”

“That’s the point, love. It was supposed to be a surprise.” He leaned away from her, holding her back so he could look at her carefully. “Do you like it? Like really? We can take it back, get something different-”

Jana cut him off now, covering his mouth with hers. She slipped her tongue inside, felt as his tangled with hers. She felt his arms tighten around her, and she knew he was done talking. She leaned back and smiled at him. His blue eyes were dark with desire. They needed to get out of this backyard and find somewhere private.

“It’s perfect Michael. Perfect like you.” She looked down at the ring again before looking back at him. “I love you Mr. Fassbender. More than you’ll ever know.”

“Well you owe me big-time, woman. You were being very mean to me earlier.” He said in mock anger, helping them both get to their feet. He swatted her butt under the guise of dusting off dirt, although his hands lingered a bit too long on the curves there. “We need to go somewhere, just me and you. Now.”

 

Jana giggled at him, staring down at the front of his shorts to his obvious arousal. There was no hiding that. Michael caught her staring and looked down, groaning.

“Fuck. See what I mean? We need to go talk to the realtor and get her to get the fuck out of here but I can’t talk to her like this.” He shifted uncomfortably, adjusting himself as best as he could. “This is your fault, woman.”

Jana walked up to him, placing the hand with her beautiful ring on his chest as she looked up at him. She slid her other hand down, running it over the front of his shorts, along his hard length as he hissed in a breath between his gritted teeth.

“For fuck’s sake, Jana! What are you doing?” He pulled her close to him, crushing her against his chest. He was almost to the point of not caring and wanted to fuck her right here in her new backyard. Fuck the realtor. She grinned up at him, the little brat. “You will pay for that, woman.”

“Is that a promise?” she whispered back up at him, her eyes dancing mischievously.  Just then the door opened, and Miss Fluttering Eyelashes popped out.

“Everything alright?” she called to them.  Jana innocently – yeah right! -rubbed up against Michael again, earning another glare and another hissed “Fuck!” for good measure.

“Everything’s fine. You can leave the keys on the table. I’ll come by tomorrow and finalize the paperwork, right?” Michael hoarsely called to her, not wanting her to come any closer.

“Oh, okay. Do you have any questions? The neighborhood, the-”

“No. No questions. We’ll talk tomorrow.” Michael cut her off, staring down hard at Jana.  Oh yes, she would pay for this.  He would have her screaming before the night was through.

“It’s no trouble, Mr. Fassbender. Whatever you-” the realtor called again.

“Fuck! She likes the house. I like the house. We’re keeping it. No questions. I will talk to you tomorrow to sign the rest of the papers.” Michael said more harshly than he should have.  Jana would not stop moving against him. He felt like he was going to come in his shorts. The little brat knew exactly what she was doing too, as she smirked up at him. Michael looked up at the realtor now. “We’d like some time alone, please. Just leave the keys on the counter and lock the door on the way out please. Quickly.” Michael’s tone left no room for argument now. Miss Eyelashes knew she was being dismissed now.

“Ok thank you for your business and you two enjoy your new house. Call if you need to change anything about tomorrow.” She said as she backed away, heading back to the house.  Michael said nothing this time, his blue eyes dark with desire. He waited til he heard her engine start up before he bent over, hauling Jana up over his shoulder and began walking to the house. He smacked her hard on her ass, earning a yelp from her.

“That’s what you get.”  He rubbed her cheek where he had smacked it, causing her to wriggle against his hand as he opened the door to the house. He carried her inside and laid her on the carpet in the living room before covering her body with his.  Jana looked up at him in confusion.

“Here? On the floor?”

“Yes. Then I'll fuck you on every other floor in this house. Is that okay with you, brat?" Michael looked at her, his eyes dark with unbridled desire.

Jana just nodded at him and surrendered, surrendering her body, heart, and soul to this man that she loved more than life itself.

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we've obviously jumped a bit down the road. Things change and so do people. It is what it is.

**2 years later…**

 

Jana walked in the door, Gunner meeting her at the entrance. Gunner was her newest addition, a Doberman she had rescued from the local pound. That made 4 dogs now, her mouth screwing up in a grimace. Michael would kill her when he found out about Gunner. He was already going crazy with the 3 little ones and they barely weighed 15lbs all together! She could hear them yapping in the crate by the back door and she hurried to let them out. She couldn’t let them run around free as she didn’t trust Gunner with them, especially with Andre the Chihuahua. Andre – all 5lbs of him – liked to antagonize Gunner at every turn, and Jana was afraid he would get seriously hurt.

Gunner pranced after her in typical Doberman fashion as she let the little dogs out and opened the back door. All 4 went flying out into the back yard, a flurry of ankle-biters and one goofy Doberman. She stepped outside with them and took a seat by the pool, relishing the feeling of being accomplished - at least for another year. She had finished her classes for this semester and they almost killed her. She was finally doing some stuff in her concentration – behavioral neuroscience – and it was kicking her ass. Literally kicking her ass all over the place. She had a few weeks break in-between semesters and she seriously needed to take a break and focus on self-care. She would start immersing herself more fully in her practicum sites and she had already been assigned to work within one of the professor’s office as an assistant. This on top of her course load.

There were some days when she thought to herself what the hell had she gotten herself into, but then there were days like today where she had seen a client get better in the course of counseling. A client much like herself, dealing with a sexual trauma, and Jana had been instrumental in the client’s improvement. Those were the days that she looked forward to, the days when she knew she was in the right profession. Many of the people in this area were prior military as Fort Hood was about an hour down the road. She had seen many cases dealing with PTSD and it pulled at her heartstrings. She knew what these men and women were going through. She knew their struggle and she was helping.

Jana felt a wet nose nuzzle her calf and she looked down and saw Squeezy. That little mutt was a dorkie - a daschund and yorkie mix according to the pound paperwork.  She was the cutest, tiniest thing ever - and the one that Michael hated the most. For whatever reason, she tried to bite Michael every time he was near her. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body - Jana had never even heard her bark - but Michael very nearly got her teeth every time. She scooped Squeezy up in her lap, cuddling the dog to her cheek as she watched the other dogs run around the yard.

Her thoughts turned to Michael and she wondered when he would be back.  She glanced down at her ring, the ring he had given her over 2 years ago.  Many things had changed as she knew they would.  The time constraints on her and him had led to many arguments between the two of them.  Originally she was very needy in the beginning, always wanting him to call her and text her, and they would skype frequently. Michael was good about keeping in touch, sending her little gifts or surprising her with visits out of the blue. Over the past year though, as she became more immersed in school, she could feel herself becoming more distant, not needing him as much.  While she didn’t perceive as necessarily a bad thing, Michael had brought it to her attention many times that she was never _there_ for him.  Even when they were together, she was preoccupied with case notes, homework, or research ideas. 

And they fought.  A lot.  Many times together started with a fight and thankfully ended with making up, but it was draining, always having to fight for a relationship and always apologizing to each other. It was a fine line to walk, to balance everything, and she was finding it hard to do.  She loved Michael dearly, and wanted to remain in a relationship with him, but she also needed to have room to do the things she wanted to do. She had overcome so much. She was no longer taking anti-depressants, and she hadn’t taken any kind of anti-anxiety pill in over a year. A requirement of her program was to attend personal therapy, and she was continuing to work through her problems there.  All in all things were good.  They both knew this was going to the be the norm until she graduated.  They knew it going in.  She missed Michael when he was gone, but she was making it on her own.  She was doing well, all things considered.

Jana placed Squeezy on the ground and stood up, and began heading back towards the house, the dogs following in her wake.  She wanted to get a shower and plop down in front of the television and watch _Breaking Bad_.  It was her new obsession and she rarely had time let alone the mental capacity to watch anything.  She had been watching it on Netflix and she was hoping the final season was there. She had roughly two weeks off and she was going to finish all 5 seasons if it killed her.  Closing the door behind her and locking it, she quickly fed the dogs, separating all their bowls so they wouldn’t fight, before heading to take a shower. She grabbed her cell phone, checking to see if there were any messages. Finding none, she placed it on the sink counter and began filling the tub. Yes, she would take a long bath tonight. She didn’t know what to do with all the freedom she had! She stripped off her clothes and climbed in, letting the fragrant, warm water soothe the aches in her body due to stress and school. Her cell phone buzzed and she eyed it, debating whether to get it or not.

Thinking it might be Michael, she slid over and grabbed it off the edge of the counter. It was not him. She frowned, seeing it was Carrie from school. Did she forget something? God she did not want to be bothered with school right now!! Carrie was a nice girl, but very, very _busy_ , if that could be used to describe her. Always in everyone’s business, always trying to get Jana to go out to the clubs, always trying to set her up with one of the guys in the program. Her current target for Jana was a guy named Liam. Liam was a nice guy by all accounts and he was good looking. He was no Michael - that was for sure – but he would make someone a very lovely husband one day. He was a 3rd year grad student, and he had helped Jana out numerous times when she was very close to falling flat on her face. He was not what one would typically imagine when they thought of a psychologist in training. He was about the same height as Michael, but thicker, having broad shoulders and a stockier build, with dark brown hair and grey-blue eyes. He reminded her of Matt Bomer from Magic Mike if she were to be honest. Definitely not what one would picture working in the behavioral neuroscience program.

Most definitely not what she needed to be thinking about either, she thought with an aggravated sigh. She looked back down at her phone, seeing it was still ringing.  She tapped the accept button, and put the phone on speaker.

“Hello?”

“Jana? Hey girl! What are you doing?” Carrie practically squealed into the phone.  Jana could hear loud music in the background. The girl was probably at the club…

“I am taking a bath believe it or not…” Jana trailed off, hoping she would get the point. Nope. No such luck...

“A bath? We need to celebrate the semester being over! You need to get down here, everyone’s here.” Jana was glad she had the phone on speaker and not up against her ear.

“Where are you?” Jana asked her, debating on killing her phone by dropping it in the water. She really wanted peace and quiet and nothing more...

“Scruffy Murphy’s of course! You should come out!” Yeah, Jana thought, she should go hang out with the young crowd at a  local dive called Scruffy Murphy’s.  All the college kids were there, making Jana feel even older than she was at 35.  No, she didn’t need to go to a bar. “Liam’s here.” Carrie said, her tone implying that Jana should care.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and he’s all alone. He asked about you earlier too.”

Don’t do it Jana, don’t do it.  Don't you go down that road, she warned herself silently.

She had seen it too many times in the military and how deployments tore couples apart. This was how it started. While she wasn’t deployed, the time she and Michael spent away from each other was wearing on her and probably on him.  Being away from your partner was hard for any couple. This was a slippery slope she did not want to go down. If only she could tell her friends who she was dating, then she wouldn’t have these kinds of problems.

“Jana? You there?” Carrie yelled out again.

“Yes, I am here.” Jana replied, wishing she wasn’t.

“Well like I said, he asked about you earlier. Wanted to know if you were dating anyone.”

Jana almost dropped the phone in the water this time.  She did not need this in her life right now.  Why couldn’t she be surrounded by ugly, unattractive grad students? She had one more year with Liam and then he would be gone.  She did not need to even start thinking of him in this light.

“Yes I am dating someone. He’s back home though.” Jana rushed out, feeling guilty for even remotely entertaining the thought of thinking of someone else in that way.  Fuck!  She pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to clear her head of any images of Liam.  Fuck!

“You are?” Carrie sounded disappointed, causing Jana to smile a little to herself.

“Why don’t you go out with him? He’s not a bad looking guy and he’s very nice.” Jana tried to coerce her into taking the problem off her hand. She heard Carrie snort, still audible over the loud music.

“Yeah right. I already tried, believe me. That guy only has eyes for you, sis. Has been that way since you got here.”

Jana sucked in a deep breath, not realizing all of this was going on right under her nose. All those times she had spent alone with him flashed in her mind, and she wondered if she had ever done anything to make him think there was a chance.  Fuck!  She worked out with him at the gym and he had even given her a ride home a few times.  Fuck again.  She needed to watch herself very carefully.  Slippery slope.

“Yes well that’s too bad. Like I said I have a boyfriend.” She ground out, a bit harshly as she became aggravated at the fact that said boyfriend was never here. She needed him right now, especially now. “Let me get off ok? I need to finish my shower and I have a date with Breaking Bad. Will talk with you later, ok?”

“Breaking Bad? Yeah that’s a good show. Are you just starting?”

God damn she wouldn’t take the hint!

“No I am almost done with season 4. Hoping season 5 is on Netflix or I am gonna be pissed.”

“Oh I don’t know if it is..”

“Well either way, let me get off the phone okay? I’ll call you later.” Jana was going to get off the phone one way or the other, even if she just had to hang the fuck up on her. This girl could talk!

“Ok sis I’ll let you go. Text me tomorrow ok?” Carrie yelled out over the music.

“Will do.” Jana replied before pushing the button, ending the call.

She stared at her phone, contemplating calling Michael, but getting aggravated again thinking she wouldn’t catch him. She had been calling him the past few days and he hadn’t answered, and she had pretty much given up. He’d call when he wasn’t busy. She knew he was flying back and forth between the states and Moscow, and the time zones and jet lag were killing them.  Jana placed the phone back on the counter and finished washing up. He’d call her when he wasn’t so busy, whenever the fuck that was.  She hadn’t seen him in almost 3 months, and before that it was over 4 months. The time apart was weighing heavily on both of them.  She tried not to let any crazy thoughts seep in her head, but she was getting pissed off with the way things were going if she were to be frank.

She stepped out of the bathroom over a half-hour later, her hair in a messy bun on top of her head. She headed into the kitchen and grabbed her Ben and Jerry’s from the freezer before heading to the living room.  It was only 7pm and she had plenty of time to watch Walter and Jessie get into some  crazy new mess.  Hell she didn’t even have to go to sleep if she didn’t want to – she could stay up all night. She felt a stupid, giddy smile on her face as she realized once again how free she was for a few weeks.  She settled back into the couch, dogs spread out everywhere and turned on the television, starting up Netflix.  She was halfway through episode 10 of season 4 when her doorbell rang.  She looked up from her ice cream, startled at who would come knocking on her door so late.  Gunner was growling low in his throat, and of course this set the little dogs off, yapping and barking at the door.  She stood up slowly and walked over to the door, peeking out the peephole.

Fuck.  Double and triple fuck. It was Liam.

Standing on her porch, looking around as he waited for her to open the door.  Fuck!  Jana’s mind screamed at her to ignore the door, just let him think she was gone. The dogs kept barking as he rang the doorbell again.  Fuck!! She peeked out the peephole again, her mind frantically thinking of what she should do. S he tried to calm herself down and think rationally.  Regardless of what busy-body Carrie had said, Liam had never given Jana any cause for concern.  He’d never shown any outward displays of interest in her.  Quite the contrary – he had always been incredibly professional with her.  Almost like an older brother even. Yeah, he was like an older brother, Jana.  She tried to convince herself of this as she hesitantly opened the door.

“Liam?” Liam turned back to look at her as the door opened, flashing her a half-smile.

“Jana, hey, I didn’t interrupt you did I?” He peeked over her shoulder, and then back to her.  Andre took that moment to run out the door, jumping and sniffing at Liam’s leg.  He leaned down, picked up Andre and cuddled him close to his body. “Who’s this little guy? He’s cute, Jana.” The little traitor Andre was licking Liam’s face, his tail wagging furiously.

“That would be Andre. He’s a brat.” She held her hands out and Liam passed Andre to her. “Is something wrong? Did I forget to do something?”

“Oh no. I was at that bar with everyone and Carrie asked if anyone had _Breaking Bad_. I love that show, just bought season 5 actually.  I figured I would bring it by for you.  Again, I hope I am not intruding.”

Jana’s mouth dropped open. That fucking bitch. She would have words with her later for sure. She did not need this aggravation in her life, and she certainly didn’t need a match maker when her boyfriend was halfway around the world.  Fucking bitch.

“Jana?” Liam asked her again, pulling her from her thoughts of murdering Carrie.

“Oh yeah, I am watching it now actually.” She laughed nervously, wondering why she had disclosed that.

“Oh yeah? What season are you on?”

“I am at the end of season 4...” She trailed off, feeling herself sliding down that slippery slope. Slippery fucking slope.

“Well I’ve got this in case you need it.” Liam held out his copy of season 5, smiling broadly at her. “Season 5 isn’t on Netflix yet as far as I know.”

Jana eyed the dvd, knowing she needed to just turn him down. Tell him to leave right now, and she would see him when the semester started.  She knew that was what she needed to do.  That was why the words that came out of her mouth next were completely unexpected.

"Do you wanna stay a while and watch some? I mean, if you’re not busy…or whatever…” Jana could feel her face flushing, completely fucking embarrassed. She knew she needed to tell him to leave.  She knew this. The rational part of her brain knew this.  It was the other side, that little voice that was nagging her to just hang out with him.  He was a nice guy and she had not had company in so long. She stayed isolated in this fucking huge house waiting on Michael to fit her in his schedule.

Michael.

Fuck.

Jana’s breath caught when she thought about what Michael would say if he knew she was inviting a Matt Bomer look-alike into her house. Their house! Fuck! Not just her house, but _their_ house.  The voice argued with her again. Michael’s not here.  Liam was here, Liam had _Breaking Bad_ , and Liam liked dogs. Liam was just a friend and she could have friends, she argued with herself.  No crime in that.  She was sure Michael was hanging out with co-stars, some of which were females. He was always talking about fucking Jennifer what's-her-name from _X-Men_.  Yes, what was good for the gander was now good for the goose. Yes she could hang out with Liam and it would be no big deal.

“Jana?” Liam was looking at her strangely. She wondered how long she had been having this debate inside her brain.

“Yeah, sorry. So you wanna come inside for a while? Totally up to you,” she smiled at him now, opening the door a little wider.

“Well…you sure?”

“Yeah, yeah. I would like some company after this semester.” Jana laughed at him, waving him in. He stepped in and she closed the door behind them, locking it. Gunner had walked up now, sniffing Liam hesitantly.

“That’s a beautiful Doberman, Jana. Reminds me of my Strider before I left for grad school. He won’t bite, right?” Liam stood still, holding his hand out, palm up for Gunner to sniff. Gunner’s little nub started wagging, indicating his approval.

“No. If he didn’t like you he would have never let you in the house. I guess you get a pass.”

She laughed at Gunner now who had taken a seat near Liam’s legs, his eyes closed as Liam scratched behind his ears. So Liam not only liked dogs, but he had a Doberman?  Michael was really not a dog person, Jana thought to herself.

Fuck again.

Slippery slope.

She needed to not compare the two men.  Ever. 

Jana walked back over to the couch and took a seat, grabbing the remote. She waited for Liam to sit down on the couch, she on one end and he at the other, before she pressed play.

“You ready?” she asked him as she settled back against the couch, pulling the blanket around her and dipping her spoon in her melting ice cream and taking a bite.

“Man you are a pro in self-care.  Netflix, blanket, Ben and Jerry’s?  I have been doing _Breaking Bad_ all wrong apparently.” He cracked a grin at her and Jana giggled. “You got any more ice cream?”

Jana had a mouth full now and just nodded, tipping her head towards the kitchen. She swallowed before replying, “Help yourself. There’s quite a bit in there. Ice cream is my alcohol.”

She grabbed the remote and quickly paused it again.  Jana took another bite as Liam hopped up and walked into the kitchen.  She watched him out of the corner of her eye, noticing again how handsome he was.  He really was very muscular, and she could see that now as his back and biceps flexed under his light t-shirt.  She’d seen him at the gym as they worked out and at work, but she’d never realized just how muscular he really was..

Stop it! Stop it right now she screamed at herself. 

Jana turned her eyes back to the television, seeing Walter paused mid-sentence.  She took another huge bite of ice cream, trying to calm her wayward thoughts.  Liam came back, ice cream in hand and kicked his shoes off. Gunner came over as well and lay down at his feet, grumbling in contentment. All the little dogs - even Squeezy - had taken up residence in between Jana and Liam.  He grinned at Jana, before nodding his head at the television.

“I’m ready whenever you are.” He popped the lid off his ice cream as Jana pressed the play button once again. She eyed her phone on the coffee table, her mind and heart warring at the decisions she had just made.  She scooped another huge bite of ice cream, forcing herself to pay attention to the television and not worry about what-ifs. He was just a peer and they were just watching a television show together.  Nothing more.


	11. Chapter 11

They had just finished the 2nd episode of season 5 when Liam decided he probably needed to head home. Jana wanted to continue watching as it was getting really intense, but she knew she probably needed to get some rest as well - at least a few hours.

“Gotta hit the gym up in a few hours and work off this ice cream,” he said, playfully rubbing his stomach.

Jana rolled her eyes at him. The man was in great shape, and definitely didn’t have a pot belly.

“You’re crazy,” she said, hitting the power button on the dvd remote before standing up, grabbing her ice cream container and paper towel.

“I’m positive I gained 10lbs eating all that ice cream, no to mention the pizza,” Liam joked, slipping his shoes on and standing up as well. “So you gonna let me continue watching with you or are you gonna finish it without me?” He cocked an eyebrow at her.

Jana giggled, walking to the kitchen to throw away her ice cream container. Liam – and all the dogs – followed. Liam tossed his ice cream container in the trash as well and leaned down, picking up Squeezy and cuddling her to his chest. Jana frowned as she watched him holding the dog, thinking about how she would have bitten Michael.

Michael…

“What’s this one’s name again?” Liam asked her, pulling her out of her thoughts of her absent boyfriend.

“Squeezy. That one’s Squeezy, then Pepper, Andre, and Gunner.” Jana walked over and took the dog from his arms. Thinking about Michael a few seconds ago had made her feel uncomfortable again, having Liam in her house, and after midnight at that.

“Ok so you wanna continue watching tomorrow? Maybe tomorrow evening?” Liam asked her again.  Jana didn’t know what to do.  She wanted the company, but she was questioning her motives for wanting his company. Why did she want to spend time with Liam? She would be pissed if Michael were watching movies or whatever with some chick after midnight.  But she wanted the company. She enjoyed hanging out with Liam. They had things to talk about and they understood each other.  Maybe just watching a few more episodes of _Breaking Bad_ wasn’t too bad, right? She mentally argued with herself. She knew it wasn’t healthy to be so isolated, but she worried that hanging out with Liam would cause problems for her. She worried her lower lip, her brow creased.

“Jana? Hey it’s no biggie, seriously.  I know you are dating someone – Carrie told me – and I would never try to come between you and your guy. Just hang on to the dvd’s till the semester starts and I’ll get them back from you, ok?” Liam smiled down at her and Jana relaxed. He had taken the pressure off of her and she was visibly relieved. He really was a nice guy. “Ok I’ll get going then, let you get some rest. You coming to work out tomorrow? I was thinking of running the trails, keeping it outside. Haven’t gone on a good run in a while. What do you think?” Liam asked as he headed towards the door.  Jana put Squeezy on the floor and followed after him.

“What time are you going?” Jana asked him, knowing a run would do her good.  Plus they were outside, no chance of anything weird happening.  Not that it would anyway, she scolded herself. She was seriously over-thinking all of this shit. Seriously.

Liam pulled open the  front door, his keys in hand as he replied, “Probably around 8 or so. Wanna go before it gets hot. You up for it?”

“Yeah I’ll do that. I’ll meet you there, ok? Probably bring Gunner as well.” Jana leaned against the door frame, arms crossed across her chest.

“All right, see you then.” Liam headed out the door, walked a few steps and then turned back around, coming back to stand before Jana.

“Look, I feel like it got weird there for a moment and I wanted to clear up whatever that was. I respect you and yes I like you. However, I know you have a boyfriend, or something,” he looked pointedly down at her ring, “and I would never knowingly come between two people.  So please don’t think that. I also don’t want to make anything weird on campus between us.  So if you’d rather we didn’t hang out I totally understand.  I will be crushed – but I understand.”  He now cocked a half-smile at her, and Jana thought how much he looked like a nervous little boy right now. A cute, PhD-in-training, nervous little boy. “Jana? I’m teasing you ok? It’s all cool.”  Liam said, a gentle smile on his face now.

“I know. It’s just weird for me. I’m probably making a big deal out of it, but whatever.  Yeah I’ll come tomorrow and we can discuss the _Breaking Bad_ marathon after, ok?” Jana smiled back at him, no longer feeling threatened by the situation. She could have friends and they could be of the opposite sex. She just needed to watch herself. Bottom line.

“Ok, doc. Sounds good and see you at 8. Don’t be late or I’ll take off without you.” Jana flushed at his nickname for her. He had been calling her that since day one.  It had never bothered her, but now it seemed highly inappropriate - for whatever reason.  Liam smiled at her once more before turning and walking to his car, waving once as he climbed in. Jana waited til he drove off before locking the door and setting the alarm. She walked back through the kitchen, shutting off lights as she went. She made her way to the couch and plopped back down, maneuvering all the dogs so that she could get comfortable. She’d sleep on the couch tonight, falling asleep to old reruns. She turned on the television and found old _Roseanne_ reruns and laid back. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw her phone light up. She leaned over, grabbed it and looked at the screen.

She had missed 4 calls from Michael. He had left 2 texts and a voicemail.  Her heart started beating fast in her chest, realizing that she had missed these calls during the time she was watching television with Liam.  Fuck.  She quickly read the text messages first. 

**Michael: _Hey baby. Trying to call you. Pick up please. I’ve only got a short time and I’m getting on a plane and heading to New Zealand. Will explain later. Call me back. Love you._**

**Michael: _Ok I am getting worried. Where are you? It’s after 11. Why are you not answering? Please call me back, getting ready to board. Love you_ **

 

Jana chewed nervously on her fingernail, guilt washing over her. Why did she not check her damn phone all that time? Nearly 5 hours of watching television – with another man at that – and she never glanced at her damn phone. She opened her voicemail and placed the phone on speaker.

**Michael:** _**Baby, I’ve called you 3 times now. I’ve texted and you’re not answering. I am getting worried. Please pick up. I miss you. More than you know. I am going to hang on for as long as I can, so please call as soon as you get this. If you don’t call me back or answer I’ll call Andy and you know what that means. I am on my way to New Zealand, and won’t be able to talk for a while so I hope I hear from you soon. I love you, baby. More today than yesterday. Call me back please. Love you.** _

Jana stared at her phone, guilt eating away at her. She could not believe she had missed his calls while spending time with Liam. Fuck! She quickly dialed his number, hoping to catch him. Of course not – straight to voicemail. Jana could feel the aggravation in her body, but not knowing why she should be aggravated. He had tried to call her numerous times and she’d been too busy apparently. She didn’t leave a message, ending the phone call before voicemail came on. She switched back to texts and quickly typed out a response to him.

**Jana: _Hey gorgeous. I am sorry I missed your call. I was busy with the dogs. I must have had it on vibrate or something. I love you. I will call you tomorrow or wait for you to call me. I am going for a run in the morning so if you don’t catch me then that’s where I’ll be. Ok I love you. Hope to talk to you soon._ **

She closed her eyes, feeling sick to her stomach as she contemplated sending the message or not. She had just lied to Michael.

Lied to him.

She knew she couldn’t tell him the truth, though.  What would she say? Hey Michael – I couldn’t answer because I had Matt Bomer over in our house watching _Breaking Bad_ til midnight. Sorry!

Fuck. Jana rubbed at her temples, feeling the ache there as she closed her eyes in frustration. Why couldn't he just be here when she needed him? She was tired of waiting for him, never knowing when she would talk to him or see him.  Apparently she needed to keep her phone attached to her ear at all times so as not to miss him.  Fuck but it was aggravating. She looked back down at the phone and hit send. It was only one small lie and it wouldn’t hurt anyone, right?


	12. Chapter 12

Jana felt something buzzing on her chest. She half-opened one eye, squinting up at the ceiling. Realizing it was her phone, she held it close to her face, trying to see who was calling. She couldn’t find her glasses and she was blind without them or contacts. Finally the words became clear.

Michael.

Suddenly waking up, she pushed the accept button.

“Michael? Hello?” she breathlessly whispered into the phone.

“Hey baby…” His voice, like warm whiskey washed over her and set her heart to fluttering. It had been so long since she had heard from him!

“Where are you?” Jana sat up on the couch, pushing Gunner away as he came to nuzzle her. She looked at her phone, seeing it was almost 7am. The sun was just barely coming up, lighting up the sky outside.

“Right now I am back in London. Heathrow airport to be exact. Waiting on my connecting flight to Wellington. Tired as fuck. How are you baby?”

“Wow you are flying across the globe, aren’t you? How long will you be in New Zealand?” Jana heard the loudspeaker at the airport calling for passengers on a flight. “Is that you?” she asked Michael, not wanting him to go just yet. She heard him sigh in to the phone. She could picture him rubbing the back of his neck. She knew he was probably tired as fuck.

“Yeah, baby, that’s me. But I’ve got a few minutes still. I’ll go on last. So tell me about your day? I called you earlier and you didn’t answer. What’s wrong with the dogs?”

Jana’s mind scrambled. What about the dogs? What had she given him as the reason why she didn’t answer? Now she knew why she didn’t need to lie to him – she couldn’t remember what the fucking lie was. Now she was going to lie again. It really made her feel sick to her stomach.

“Jana?” Michael asked again, concern evident in his voice.

“Oh yeah, we were just outside – the dogs and I that is – and I guess time just got away from me. I am sorry. Gunner! NO!!” Jana yelled at the Doberman, watching him chew at the doorknob. He needed to go outside or he would leave teethmarks all over the door. “Hold on, Michael. One second..” Jana walked over to the back door, letting Gunner out to use the bathroom. She let the little dogs out as well, closing the door quickly as they started running and barking after each other.

“Gunner? Who’s Gunner? Jana, baby, please tell me you didn’t get another dog?” Michael asked her, and she thought she could hear the aggravation in his voice. “Did you get another dog?”

Jana felt her back stiffen at his questioning, her mouth screwing up in a scowl.  He didn’t even know the dog so why was he so pissed already?

“Yes I did get another dog, Michael.”

“Fuck Jana. How many do you need?  What is it?  Another little one that’s going to bite the shit out of me?”

“No this one is a Doberman. If he bites you’ll feel it.” Jana tossed back at him, disregarding his tone. He didn’t even know the dog..

“What the fuck does that mean? Am I going to come home and get bit by a big ass dog now?  Why don’t you ever talk shit over with me?” Yeah, he was pissed now. Definitely pissed, and his tone only served to aggravate Jana more.

“Why should I have to ask you Michael?  You are never here.  I am here by myself all the fucking time. If I waited to talk everything over with you I’d never get anything done.” She thought she heard him gasp over the phone. When she didn’t hear anything she began to think that he had hung up on her. “Hello?” she spoke into the phone, clearly aggravated herself now.

“So that’s where we are now, then? Me and you? Fighting over me not being there and you doing stuff without me?” Michael chose his words carefully, still reeling from the sting of Jana’s words.

“Where else would we be Michael? I see you once every few months. I am living like a wife with a deployed spouse. You are never here Michael, and when you do finally come in you want me to drop everything and just be with you.”

“I thought we agreed on this. We both knew this was how it would be. Didn’t we talk about this?”

Jana chewed on her fingernail. She should be apologizing to him for being such a shitty girlfriend, yet here she was harping on him over things he couldn’t change.  Couldn’t change or wouldn’t change? Jana questioned herself again, her mind running crazy on her. Why was she acting this way?? 

“Jana? The plane’s about to take off. I’ve gotta go.” Michael stated flatly.

“Of course you have to go…” Jana huffed out in anger. They could never get anything solved this way. He was always coming or going.

“Wow. I don’t even know what to say right now.  I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about us right now.  I mean…I am really at a loss for words right now.”

“Well don’t worry. We’ll figure it out when you get _home_ , right?” Jana asked him, her words dripping with sarcasm and false sweetness.

“Huh.” Michael mumbled, disbelief apparent, and she could tell he was walking now, the phone held up to his ear probably. She heard him speaking to the flight attendant now, hearing her laugh as she took his boarding ticket. That bitch could see him right now and laugh with him, Jana thought bitterly. “Baby, I’ve gotta go. I don’t know what’s going on. I will call you as soon as I land in Wellington. I love you. I hope you know that.”

Jana waited a few moments before replying. She could feel tears in her eyes now, for whatever reason. She was so fucking pissed off right now.

“I love you too,” she whispered into the phone, not wanting to talk anymore.  Why was she acting this way? Feeling this way??  God, she was so pissed at Michael!

“All right baby, I’m walking down the corridor now.  I’ll call you soon. Maybe we can Skype?” Michael asked hopefully.

“Sure.” Jana noncommittally replied.

“Huh,” Michael stated again. “Right. Talk to you in a bit, love.”

“Ok.” Jana replied, pushing the button to end the call. 

She sat back down on the couch, staring at her phone.  Her screensaver was set to a picture of her and Michael, his arms wrapped around her from behind, him kissing her cheek as she grinned at the camera.  He had snapped that picture when they first moved in here over 2 years ago.  She blinked back tears thinking about how happy they were then. Everything seemed so clear-cut and simple at that time.  They were going to conquer this long distance thing and make it work. Now it was all fucked up.

Not only was that phone call fucked up, but she had just spent 5 hours with an incredibly good-looking guy who - by all measures – would be an ideal boyfriend for her.  She had missed calls from Michael due to this guy.  What the fuck was wrong with her? S he had been a complete bitch to him over the phone and she couldn’t quite figure out why.  What pissed her off even more was knowing that they wouldn’t be able to solve this anytime soon.  He would be in Wellington or somewhere else for a while. They never had time to fix their problems. They never had time for anything, including each other. How the fuck was this going to work if they never had time to be together?

Jana tossed her phone down on the coffee table, getting up to let the dogs back in.  Fuck it.  She couldn’t solve all their problems on her own.  Michael needed to figure his shit out as well. He couldn’t expect her to just sit here for months – years even – and just wait on him, waiting for the perfect time to solve all their problems. That just wasn’t fair.  It wasn’t fair and she was tired of doing it.  She was tired of doing it alone.


	13. Chapter 13

Monday – 8/25/2014 - Counseling session #4 with Dr. Vonn.....

Jana fiddled with the wadded up tissue in her lap, legs crossed, and foot nervously tapping against the floor.

“Tell me what that tapping is, Jana.” Dr. Vonn asked her gently. Jana always hated going to the therapist, and today was no different. Same bullshit, different day. “What are you feeling right now?”

Jana sniffled, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.  Why this never got any easier she could not figure out. She was going to be a counselor herself – a psychologist in fact – and she needed to get a handle on her shit if she were ever going to help anyone else!

“Right now I am pissed off. Just really pissed,” she replied, turning the tissue over and over again.  Little pieces were now flaking off, landing on her jeans. She reached over to the tissue box and grabbed two fresh sheets, and immediately begin twisting them as well.

“I can see that you’re angry. You seem to be very restless as well. What’s got you so worked up?” her therapist pressed gently.  Dr. Vonn was like everyone's favorite grandmother - immensely empathic, gentle, and caring. She would make Carl Rogers proud.

“Well, you know about my boyfriend and what he does for a living. So that’s really pissing me off, the fact that he’s never here.” Jana tried to swallow the lump again as she thought about Michael.

“Yes, Michael. Tell me again how long you have been dating?”

Jana swallowed hard again before replying. “Over two years now…”

“Right. And how long has this relationship with Liam been going on?”

Jana felt her face flush, shame and embarrassment washing over her. Her therapist was the only one who knew how bad of a person she really was.

“Jana I know this is hard for you and I want to commend you for the strength it takes to disclose all of this.  I am incredibly honored that you would let me share in your life in such a way. There is no judgment here, and this is a safe place. Whatever we talk about here stays here.” Dr. Vonn reassured her gently.

Jana could feel the tears welling up, threatening to fall at any time.  She wished the therapist would fill up the silence so she wouldn’t have to talk, but Jana knew better.  Silence was a good thing - she knew this.

“Jana. Jana please look at me.”

Jana looked up, still feeling incredibly ashamed of herself and embarrassed.

“Jana I want you to know that I don’t think any less of you for anything we have or have not discussed in here. Let’s talk about your life right now, okay? You are a 2nd year student in a rigorous PhD. program. I have been there and believe me I understand the pressure. You have a boyfriend who is an actor. He’s frequently gone, and you are here alone. To make all of this even harder, you are still dealing with issues stemming from trauma in your past. That is a lot of stuff to deal with, don’t you think?”

  
Jana nodded her head, wiping at the tear that had slipped out.  She couldn’t get past the lump in her throat.

  
“What are you feeling right now?”

  
“Guilt. Guilt and shame. And I am so sorry.  So sorry.  I never meant for this to happen..” Jana could no longer hold back the tears. They came out in a rush, like a dam had broken. She wrapped her arms around herself, her head held low as she sobbed. Jana felt Dr. Vonn scoot her chair closer, and felt her hand on her shoulder, trying to offer comfort.  They sat in silence for a few minutes while Jana purged herself of her pent up emotions.  It felt so good to get it all out and she had been holding it in for so long.  When her sobs had subsided, Dr. Vonn moved her chair back a little, giving Jana her space back.

  
“How are you feeling now, Jana?”

  
“Better. I am scared, but I feel better.” Jana whispered.

  
“What are you scared about? Tell me about that fear.” Dr. Vonn coaxed.

  
“Scared to tell Michael. Part of me wants to pretend it never happened, but I can’t do that to him.  I could never keep this a secret.” Jana looked at Dr. Vonn, her eyes wide with fear and sadness. Regret. Regret was heavy with Jana.  How could she be so stupid? A better question was why?  Why was she so stupid in the choices she had made?

  
“What do you think will happen when you tell him?”

  
“I think he will leave me.” Jana whispered, closing her eyes again in pain. “I think he will leave me and it’s all my fault. It's what I deserve."

  
“Ok Jana, let’s go back a bit. Start from the beginning, and we’ll work through this together okay? Tell me again how it started with Liam.”

  
Jana inhaled deeply, her breath hitching as her tears were still threatening her. This was so fucking hard. Saying it out loud was so fucking hard. She hated herself right now.

  
“It started with watching a television show. We were just friends. I only ever wanted to be his friend. It just happened.”

  
“How did it happen? Are you attracted to Liam?” Dr. Vonn asked her, not letting her off the hook.

  
“Yes.” Jana whispered, ashamed to admit that. “Yes I was.”

  
“Are you still? Do you have feelings for him?”

  
“I don’t know.” She looked at Dr. Vonn, her eyes wide with a mixture of pain, fear, and confusion.

  
“Do you love him?” Dr. Vonn asked her bluntly.

  
“No. I don’t think so, no. Not like I love Michael.”

  
“But you almost slept with him…” Dr. Vonn challenged her. Jana could feel herself getting pissed now, but she knew she needed to hear these hard truths. She knew she needed to.

  
“Yes. I almost slept with him. But I didn’t.” Jana retorted back, angry now more than sad.

  
“So tell me what stopped you. Why didn’t you sleep with him?”

  
Jana frowned at her, not quite understanding the path the questions were taking now.

  
“Why didn’t I sleep with him? I think that’s self-explanatory…”

  
Her therapist shook her head, a small smile playing on her lips.

  
“No, Jana. You could have slept with him but you didn’t. Why not? What stopped you?”

  
“Because I knew it was wrong. I love Michael and I don’t want to hurt him.”

  
“But you kissed Liam. You got in bed with him, with every intention of sleeping with him. Then you stopped. What do you feel about that now?” Dr. Vonn would not let her off so easily.

  
“I still feel ashamed for letting it go that far. I am glad I stopped it, but I should have never let it go that far.” Jana looked back down at the mutilated tissue, twisting it in her fingers again.

  
“Is there a part of you that wanted it to go further? Regardless of Michael?”

  
Jana looked up now, staring hard at her therapist. “Yes.”

  
“Ok. That’s understandable.” Dr. Vonn smiled encouragingly at her, causing Jana to frown in confusion once again. If this was how it was going to be – if she couldn’t figure this out - Jana knew she would be a shitty therapist in real life…

  
“Why? What’s understandable about that?” Jana demanded, angry now, needing to understand her actions. “Why would I do that? I know it will hurt Michael if he finds out.”

  
“Jana remember when we talked about attachments and how you have never had a secure attachment? Remember that conversation a few weeks back?”

  
“Yes.”

  
“Ok so when a person doesn’t have a secure attachment to their attachment figure – in your case Michael – the will sometimes seek that from someone else. Unfortunately I don’t think you have ever been securely attached to anyone. Not your mother, certainly not your father, and from what I have heard, never a man. Until Michael, but even with him you weren’t securely attached, were you?” Dr. Vonn continued to smile gently at her, encouraging her.

  
“No. I only really felt safe when he was with me, like physically by my side. When he was gone – which was a lot of times – I felt extremely anxious and almost out of control. Then I would get angry at him for being gone. I have questioned myself if I was trying to punish him, or to test my love for him, or if I am self-sabotaging. I have gone over this time after time in my head, and I still don’t have an answer.” Jana lifted her hands up in surrender, begging for her therapist to make sense of this for her. “I am almost 36 years old. I am retired from the military, and working on my doctoral. What the fuck is wrong with me that I can’t get my shit together?”

  
“There’s nothing wrong with you Jana. You suffered a tremendous trauma when you were a child. Those traumas shape us as humans and deeply affect our intimate relationships. You then had another traumatic experience – at the hands of a man – in the military. You were self-medicating for so long and avoiding your emotions and feelings. Then you fell in love with what sounds like a wonderful man who loves you very much.” Dr. Vonn hesitated for a moment before adding, “Let me ask you something. You don’t have to answer if you don’t want and that’s okay. You  love Michael. Has there ever been a time when you didn’t like him, maybe when you felt something bad towards him? Not your usual angry feelings, but hate or contempt, or something along those lines?”

  
Jana felt the tears fall again as she admitted her most shameful secret to her therapist.

  
“Yes. There are times I have hated him. Even when we were making love, and I felt so close to him, I felt it come over me. I hated him as much as I hated myself.” She wiped at her nose, not looking at Dr. Vonn now.

  
“Tell me about those feelings, Jana.”

  
Jana looked at her therapist unabashedly and stated, “I hate him sometimes because he is a man. I hate him because he is a man, and I feel like he has power over me and I don’t know whether to be happy or mad, and I hate him for that. I want to be with him, but I don’t at the same time.”

  
Her therapist nodded at her, and wrote something down on her note pad.

  
“Remember when we talked about the fearful-avoidant attachment style? I know you understand that with your schooling, but it’s different when it’s applied to oneself, isn’t it?”

  
“Yes.” Jana was numb now, having laid her worst thoughts out bare.

  
“Can you see how you would yearn to be in a relationship, but avoid it at the same time? When you have been hurt like you have, and not dealt with it adequately, this is a coping mechanism for you. It protects you, Jana. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. For you it's functional.”

  
“I hear you, but it hurts to admit that. He has been nothing but good to me and I have been such a shitty girlfriend, a shitty person. I don’t deserve him.” She looked down at her ring, that beautiful ring, a silent reminder of his love for her. “I don’t deserve him.”

  
“No see that’s where I will disagree with you.  You do deserve love, and happiness, and all the things that come with a healthy relationship, Jana.  We have to change these negative cognitions and work on building healthy relationship patterns between you and Michael. Does that make sense?”

  
“Yeah. Yes it does. What do I need to do?” Jana asked hesitantly, knowing what was coming next.

  
“Well here’s the hard part. Well harder part, maybe. If you plan on marrying Michael one day - as you have told me you guys have discussed that – we need to get him in here and both of you work together. We can do individual as we’ve been doing with just you and I,  but in order to repair the attachment injury and get you guys to a stronger relationship, we need the other half here.  Michael needs to be here, Jana.” Dr. Vonn hesitated again, she and Jana both knowing what the next topic would be. “With that being said, you know my opinion on secrets in a marriage or couple. My professional opinion is that he needs to know what happened with Liam. We can do that here, in a safe environment, or you can do it on your own.  Or not at all. It’s totally up to you. I believe that we can heal this relationship, but honesty is paramount to the recovery process, especially for you. How does this all sound to you? What are you feeling right now?”

  
Jana laughed bitterly, her heart beating erratically in her chest.

  
“How do I feel? I feel like shit. I feel ashamed. I feel like he will leave me. I feel scared. I feel ungrateful. What don’t I feel? I just feel like I don’t want to feel anything.”

  
“Ok I hear you, Jana, and I understand. I can feel your hurt and anger. I am frustrated for you. What I want you to do between now and then is think of the good that will come from this, rather than all the negative. For the first time in your adult life you are being brutally honest with yourself. No more hiding, no more faking it, no more settling. This will hurt for a while, but you are finding yourself and becoming true to yourself. Next time when I see you, I want you to tell me what the positive is in this situation – whatever that may be. Does that sound agreeable to you?” Dr. Vonn smiled at Jana as she stood up from her chair.

  
Jana stood too, straightening her clothes and wiping at her face again.

  
“Yes, I think I can do that. I know I need to do that. I will wait til Michael gets here before I say anything. I think I would rather do it here, if you don’t mind?”

  
Dr. Vonn lightly touched her shoulder in comfort.

  
“Yes. Absolutely. However you want to do this, we will make it work.” She smiled at Jana, and Jana tentatively smiled back. “I think you are doing great work, Jana. I again want to say how proud and honored I feel that you have allowed me to walk with you on this journey. You are a very strong woman, and I think you are making great progress.”

  
Jana ducked her head, feeling embarrassed to have such praise heaped on her.

  
“Let’s head up front and we’ll figure out when you want to come back, ok?” Dr. Vonn asked as she held the door open for Jana.

  
“Ok, sounds good,” Jana replied as she stepped out of the office and into the corridor leading to the front. She set up and appointment for next week, and they would play it by ear if Michael would come or not. He was supposed to be in this weekend, but she didn’t know for how long.  Jana took her appointment reminder and headed out to her truck.  Once inside, she opened up her phone, staring at the picture of her and Michael.  She was so scared of his reaction, afraid that she would lose him over this, but she knew she couldn’t keep living the way she was.  She had to be true to herself if she were ever going to really heal.


	14. Chapter 14

It was Friday afternoon. Jana had been running errands all day, trying to get the house ready for when Michael was supposed to come in. Last she had heard was he would be here on Sunday. She still had a few days to clean, lucky for her. She pulled in the driveway and parked in the garage. As the garage door closed down behind her, she rushed to turn on the light, hating being in there in the dark. She opened the door leading inside the house, needing some cool air in the stifling garage. As she opened the door, Gunner came running out, along with the 3 little dogs.

“Hey you little brats! What are you doing out?” Jana yelled at them, knowing they had probably messed on the floor somewhere.

Great, she thought to herself – one more mess to clean up. She grabbed the bags from the back seat, along with her purse and cell, and quickly went in the house. She dropped the bags off on the counter, wanting to check if the dogs had used the bathroom anywhere. As she stepped out of the kitchen, her heart jumped out of her chest. From her position she could see the door to the backyard open, and Michael out by the pool. He was sitting on the edge of the pool, wearing nothing but swim trunks. The dogs quickly ran back outside, and Jana followed.

“Michael?” He turned around, his beautiful smile on display as his eyes landed on her. He hopped up and rushed to her, scooping her up in his arms.  Jana squealed as she felt her clothes getting soaked from his wet body. His hair was plastered to his head and he was simply gorgeous. All gingery and scruffy and warm and beautiful. Michael was here and he was real and warm and in her arms.

“Hey baby.” He nuzzled her neck as he held her up against him.

“You’re getting me wet,” she protested weakly. He pulled back, looking at her lasciviously, a smirk on his face.

“Already, huh? You missed me that much?” Jana smacked him in the back of the head lightly, feigning aggravation.

“You are a pervert as usual. Set me down please.”

Michael let her slide down his body and she became very aware that he was happy to see her. He cupped her face in his hands, and leaned his head down, going in for a kiss, but Jana pulled away. He looked at her in confusion. She couldn't do this right now, not knowing what she had done.

“Something wrong, baby?” He asked her, searching her face, his eyebrows drawn together in confusion.

“No. I just need to put these groceries away before they go bad. I’ll go inside and take care of it.” She went to turn around and head to the house when Michael grabbed her hand, pulling her back into his arms.

“Can I have a kiss?” he asked her quietly, his brow still furrowed as he tried to figure out what was going on here.

Jana leaned up and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before releasing his hand and heading back into the house. When she got to the kitchen, she stood at the counter, trying to calm her racing heart. She felt like he knew what she had done. She felt as if he could see inside her head and see what she was hiding. He was here early! How would she make it until the therapy appointment on Monday? She rubbed her clammy hands against her cheeks, trying to soothe the flushing there. She was putting away the first bag of groceries when Michael walked in, still rubbing himself off with a towel. The dogs followed after him as he pulled out one of the stools and sat down, staring at Jana closely.

“I feel like I walked in on the middle of a conversation and nobody is filling me in. What’s going on Jana?”

“What do you mean?” Jana knew her voice sounded unusually high-pitched. Fuck she needed to calm down.

“That. That right there is what I am talking about. Why are you so nervous around me? I know we have been arguing a bit more lately, but I don’t remember anything that would cause this reaction.” He stared down at the towel in his hands, twisting the edge around in his fingers. “You don’t seem excited to see me. You didn’t want to kiss me either.” He looked up at her now, and Jana could see the hurt in his eyes. Hurt and confusion.

Her heart clenched in her chest as she thought to herself that he didn’t even know the half of it yet. He had no idea just how hurtful she could be.

“It’s nothing, really. Just a little tired. After I get this put up I’ll get a shower and be back to normal. It’s a thousand degrees outside in case you didn’t notice.” She joked with him, but the humor didn’t reach her eyes. “Why don’t you go ahead and get a shower? That’ll give me time to tidy up out here.”

Michael stared at her for a moment, and Jana thought he was going to say something. Instead he nodded and stood up, heading towards the bedroom. Gunner followed in his wake. At least those two were getting along.

* * *

 

 

An hour later Jana had just gotten out of the shower, wrapping another towel around her hair as she walked in to the bedroom looking for clothes. She and Michael had barely spoken since the kitchen – he got out of the shower and she got in. Michael was laying on the bed, only wearing his shorts and flipping through the channels.  Jana felt a momentary rush of panic as she knew she couldn’t avoid him forever. She quickly tried to hurry back into the bathroom to avoid him, but he saw her first.  He hopped up, walking over to her quickly and pulling her into his arms. He tilted her head back with one finger and kissed her hard on the mouth, his tongue seeking entrance, trying to make up for lost time. She felt the towel fall off her head and her wet hair tumbled down her back. Michael twisted one hand in her hair, the other rested at the small of her back, pulling her in close. Jana felt like she was suffocating.  She couldn’t do this. Not with all of this hanging on her like a dark cloud. She pushed at his chest, dragging her mouth away from his. She stepped back out of his arms, clutching her towel to her body. Michael stared at her in shock, running a hand through his hair and breathing heavily.

“What did I do, Jana? What is going on here?” He shook his head at her, his face contorted in hurt. She had never turned him away like this. What the fuck was going on?

“Michael, please let me get dressed. I need to talk to you. Before anything else happens, we need to talk, ok?” she whispered, icy fear running through her veins. He could very well leave tonight and she’d never see him again if she went through with this. She just couldn’t lie anymore. He deserved the truth and she had to do it sooner rather than later. He took a step forward, reaching for her and she held up a hand in protest, stepping back. “Please, Michael.  Let me get dressed and we’ll talk, please?”

He stared at her for a moment before nodding his head at her and leaving the room. Jana let out the breath she had been holding and moved to get her clothes. Grabbing everything, she stepped back into the bathroom and got dressed.

* * *

 

When she stepped out Michael was sitting on the couch, his arm propped on the armrest, hand under his chin. Gunner was laying on the couch as well, his head propped in Michael’s lap. Michael absentmindedly scratched the dog’s face, earning grumbles of approval from Gunner in his sleep. Michael looked up, seeing Jana staring at him as she stood by the far end of the couch.

“Well at least the fucking dog is happy to see me.” His tone was clipped, no humor there.

Jana swallowed hard, sitting down on the edge of the couch, as far away as she could possibly be. She stared down at her hands, clasped tightly in her lap.

“Whatever the fuck it is just tell me. I can’t take this.”

“I almost slept with someone. I kissed him and we got in bed, and I almost slept with him but I didn’t and I needed to tell you before anything else happened. I was going to wait til we saw my therapist but I couldn’t. I can’t do this with you and have this lie hanging over me.” Jana continued looking at her hands, terrified to look at him and see what she would find there.  After a few moments when he said nothing, Jana looked up at him.  He was leaned forward now, rubbing his forehead.  Jana couldn’t see his eyes but she could see the muscle in his jaw and forehead ticking. “Michael? Please say something.” She whispered, feeling very tiny in this huge house.

He steepled his hands, elbows on his knees, his index fingers tapping at his lips.

“Huh.” He shook his head in disbelief, and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Michael?” she whispered again. Please say something! Jana screamed inside her head. The silence was killing her.

“What do you want me to say, Jana?” his voice was deadly calm and she knew he was furious. “What the fuck do you want me to say?”

Her lips started trembling and she could feel her chin involuntarily screwing up as she tried to fight back tears.

“Why?” He asked, looking at her sharply now. Seeing her tears brewing, his mouth turned up in a sneer. “Don’t you dare fucking cry. If anyone should be crying, it’s me. Tell me why.”

“I don’t know why.” She whispered, looking back down at her hands. “I don’t know why and I am sorry.”

“You’re sorry? Is that it?  You’re sorry?  Who is he?”

“Nobody you know.”

“Oh I am sure I don’t know him. Who is he?” He countered, contempt heavy in his voice.

“Someone from school. Michael I-”

“I fucking knew it.” He stood up now, and walked over to window, staring out at the backyard, arms crossed. “I fucking knew it. I could feel it happening.” He turned back around, staring hard at her. “What did I do wrong? Other than time, what didn’t I give you? I did the best I could, Jana. What did I do wrong?” Jana felt the lump in her throat threatening to consume her as she heard his voice crack.

“It’s not you Michael. You did nothing wrong. It was all me. I made a stupid decision and I am sorry.”

“What did you do with him? You kissed him and what else?”

Jana shook her head in horror. She could not recount the details with him.

“No you’re going to tell me what you did with him.” Michael demanded, leaving no room for resistance. “You are going to tell me everything. How it started, who initiated it – everything.”

“We just started watching a television show and it got out of control.”

“Out of control? WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? GODDAMNIT TELL ME!” he screamed at her, causing Gunner to look up in concern.

“We were watching the show and drinking, and somehow we kissed and then we went to the bedroom,” she whispered in horror, her breathing ragged.

“Our bedroom? In our bed? You took the motherfucker to our bed?” Michael’s voice was like acid, burning her with its hatred. Jana nodded slowly, eyes wide with fear. Michael was scaring her. If he did something she would not be able to defend herself against him.  She knew this and she knew she should have waited for Dr. Vonn.

“Then what?”

“Then we got in bed and we started kissing some more, but I stopped him. I stopped him Michael.”

“Did you get undressed?” He walked over to her, standing above her and glaring down at her. “Did he touch you the way I touch you?”

“No. I didn’t take my clothes off. We kissed for a few minutes and then I told him no and he left. Michael he left.” Jana was numb, her voice barely above a whisper.

“Why did you stop?” Jana could see his balled up fists at his side. She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t meet his eyes.

“Because of you. Because I love you. I saw my ring, and I stopped Michael.” She looked up at him now, eyes full of tears. “I love you Michael, and I am so sorry.  Please believe me.  I would undo it all if I could. I am so sorry.” He leaned down, grasping her chin between his fingers, jerking her face to his. Jana was terrified, not knowing if he was going to hit her. She could literally feel the anger emanating off of him.

“If you loved me you would have never had a motherfucker here in the first place. You would have never fucking kissed him and you damn sure would have never taken him into our bedroom.” He released her chin roughly, standing back up and walking back to the window.

“Michael I have been seeing my therapist. She thinks we both need to come in. Will you come with me? Let me make this right, please. I am begging you for another chance.” She pleaded with him, staring at the angry muscles bunching in his back. He turned around, glaring at her in disdain.

“Do you realize how many women throw themselves at me every day? Not fucking once did I so much as glance their way. I held up my end of the bargain. I could have fucked someone every single goddamn day if I wanted.  Believe me I wanted to have sex, but I wanted it with you.  I wanted it with you because I love you and I was being loyal for the first fucking time in my fucking life. You just couldn’t wait could you?”

Jana stood up, walking towards him, wanting somehow to fix this mess she had created. He put his hands up, halting her in her tracks.

“Don’t fucking touch me. Don’t come around me and don’t fucking touch me. I can’t even look at you right now.” He ground out.

“Goddamnit!” He yelled, punching the wall with his fist. The pain in his hand served to make him even more pissed off. He grabbed the small vase sitting on the table near the back door. He threw it against the wall - glass, flowers, and water flying everywhere. Jana flinched and the dogs scattered throughout the house –even Gunner – looking for somewhere to hide.

“Michael please-” Jana tried again in vain but was interrupted.

“Fuck off. Fuck you, fuck him, and fuck this fucking place.” Michael walked over to the bedroom, grabbing his bags and heading into the 1st guest room and slamming the door.  Jana walked back over to the couch, sitting down and staring at the television blankly.  She was numb, her heart frozen in her chest.  She flinched again when Michael stepped out of the guest room, slamming the door again behind him.  He was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and boots now, and she could smell his cologne in the air.  She watched as he walked to the kitchen, collected his cell phone and grabbed the keys to the truck.  His hand was on the door when she called out to him one more time.

“Please don’t leave. Please Michael.” He turned to look at her, disgust written all over his face.

“Don’t wait up. I’ve gone too long without a good fuck. I am sure there are plenty of college bitches around here I can find to fix that.”

With that he slammed the door behind him and left. Jana heard the truck engine roar to life, heard him peal out of the driveway.  She sat back against the back of the couch, tears slipping down her cheeks.  The thought of Michael sleeping with someone else was turning her stomach.  She ran to the bathroom, violently retching into the toilet, her head pounding with the exertion. When she was finished, she stumbled into the bedroom, and crawled on the bed.  His jacket was there, lying forgotten on the bed, and she wrapped it around her, curling up in the fetal position and cried some more.


	15. Chapter 15

Michael raised the Guinness to his lips, finishing it off and tossing it in the floorboard with the rest of the empty bottles. It was after 10, and he had just finished his 4th beer now, and he was feeling slightly buzzed. Not enough, though, not enough to take away the pain. He grabbed another beer, screwing off the lid with his teeth. He sat in the truck, watching the people coming and going from a strip club somewhere down in Waco. He hadn’t gone in yet. He didn’t know if he would at all. As much as Jana had hurt him, he knew he couldn’t do that to her. He knew if he stepped foot inside that club he would leave with someone. He knew it would happen and he wasn’t prepared for that right now. Maybe after a few more beers, but right now he couldn’t do it.

He took another swallow of the beer and thought back to their earlier conversation. She had cheated on him. He laughed bitterly, thinking that this felt pretty shitty and now he understood the way he had made some women in his past feel. It was not a good feeling at all, not in the slightest. He wracked his mind, trying to think of where he went wrong. He knew his time away couldn’t have been easy for her, but fuck it wasn’t easy for him either. He missed her just as much as she said she missed him. Had he driven her to this? Michael picked up his phone, absentmindedly dialing the only person he knew he could talk to about this. The phone rang a few times before he heard the familiar voice of his mother.

“Michael? Love, what’s the matter?” his mother’s voice came over the line, sounding a little groggy but filled with concern over him calling at such an early time.

“Nothing,” he mumbled into the phone, not knowing what to say. He felt like fucking crying and that was unusual for him. He did not cry.

“Something’s the matter, love. Why are you calling so early? Where are you?”

“I’m in Texas. Waco. With her. She pretty much cheated on me and I don’t know what to do,” he admitted bluntly. What the fuck did it matter now?

“Oh Michael, love, I am so sorry.”

Michael stared out at the crowd, watching people come and go, drinking, laughing, carrying on. He looked at all the men that came out, wondering if one would be him, the one she had kissed and almost slept with. His mouth formed a hard angry line, his thoughts running away from him.  He would beat the shit out of that bastard as soon as he came across him. He took another long drink.

“Michael? Where are you right now?” his mother asked him, pulling him back from his thoughts.

He laughed bitterly, and shook his head, taking another drink of his beer before replying. “I am sitting in the parking lot of a strip club drinking beer in her truck. Debating on going inside…” he trailed off, taking another drink.

“Michael. I know you are hurt but you cannot drink and drive. Can you call a cab and get to a hotel?” His mother sounded aggravated now.

“I’m good, mum. I am good. I think I should go inside and forget about her.” He toyed with the keys, looking again at the entrance as people came and went.

“Look son, I know it’s not my place to tell you what to do, but you need to listen to me. Did she tell you why she did it? Have you two talked yet? What exactly did she do?”

“She said she kissed a guy and almost slept with him, but she stopped. She told me earlier today when I got here. I left and here I am,” Michael slurred out, feeling the effects of the beer taking over.

“Michael! You are slurring your words. You need to call a cab and either go home to her or go to a motel. You will not drive, do you understand me?” Oh yes, she was angry now.

“Yes ma’am,” Michael teased. Yeah he was buzzed good and well right now. He set the beer down and reached in the Spec’s bag, pulling out the fifth of whiskey. He unscrewed the lid, and took a long swallow, feeling the liquor burn on its way down his throat. If he was going to get pissed he was going to do it the right way. “Beer before liquor, you’ll be sicker” was the old saying. He wanted to be completely pissed, drunker than he'd ever been,  and he was accomplishing that quickly. He set the whiskey down, picked his beer back up and finished it off. He again tossed the bottle down on the floorboard along with the others.

“Michael! Where are you? Tell me right now. Give me the address. Give it to me now.” 

He laughed again, and his vision was blurring now.  He had a stupid grin on his face and felt warm. He needed to go inside or else he would fall asleep here in the truck.

“Michael!” his mother yelled at him, and he closed his eyes. Why was she so fucking loud right now?

“Fuck, mum! Be quiet!” he mumbled back, leaning his head against the head rest and closing his eyes for a moment. He just needed to rest for a minute...

“Michael, where are you right now?”

“Some place called Show-Time in Waco. You should call Jana, she’ll know where I am.” He started giggling now, thinking of Jana. She hated when he drank. He giggled again, and grabbed his last beer, again screwing off the lid with his teeth and spitting it out the window. Well fuck her. He took another long drink from the beer.

“Give me her number. Michael! Give me her number now.” Michael recited her number out loud, knowing it by heart.

“Michael I am going to call her right now and she’s coming to get you. Do you hear me? Do not leave that parking lot, son.”

Michael shook his head, setting the beer down and reaching again for the whiskey. He held it up looking at the bottle closely before taking another long swallow. He grimaced as it burned his mouth and throat going down. “You know I love her, mum. More than I love myself. More than I love you and dad and Cat, more than I love anything. Why would she do this to me? I know I left her alone a lot, but why would she do this to me? I was going to marry her one day, mum. She was the one.” Michael closed his eyes tight against his tears, his voice cracking.

“Michael – love – I know it hurts right now. Everything you have told me about her makes her seem wonderful, and I loved her because you loved her. Right now things are confusing, son. It will look clearer in the morning. Please don’t give up hope right now. Relationships go through trouble all the time, and quite a few people get through them. You two have more working against you than for you, especially with your careers. This doesn’t have to be the end., love.” Michael’s mother was crying now, her heart breaking for her son. As old as he was he was still her baby and always would be. She would have words with Jana just as soon as she could. “Michael? Are you there?” she asked again, not hearing anything on the line.

“Yeahhh….” he slurred out, sounding very sleepy.

“Stay right there, baby. I am calling someone to come get you, right? Stay on the phone with me. I’ll use the house phone to call. Don’t hang up and don’t leave, you hear me?”

“M’kay…” he slurred again, head leaned back against the seat and eyes closed.

* * *

 

 

Jana’s phone rang, startling her from her sleep. She stared around in confusion before remembering all that had taken place before. The house was quiet and she knew he was gone. Her phone buzzed again, and she held it up, reading the number. It was an international call from Ireland. She looked at in confusion before answering it.

“Hello?”

“Is this Jana?” the lady’s accent was thick – and icy.

“Yes. Yes it is..” Jana stammered out, unsure of what to say or do.

“Good. This is Michael’s mother. He just called me from some club there in Waco. He is in the parking lot getting drunk. He does not need to drive. Y ou need to go get him immediately before he does something stupid. Do you understand me?”

“Um..yes..yes ma’am.” Jana was terrified now. This was not how she envisioned speaking to Michael’s mother for the first time. Fuck.

“Good. The name of the club is Show Time. Do you know where that is?” Jana thought for a minute, before realizing it was a strip club over on LaSalle. Yeah she had heard about that place. Her eyes closed and her stomach turned, sadness washing over her as she realized Michael had left her and went to a strip club. It was her fault though. It’s what she deserves.

“Jana?”

“Yes. Yes I know where it is. I will go right now to get him.”

“Good. One more thing before you go. Michael is my son. I love him more than life itself.  Whatever you have done to hurt him, you will undo.  Do you understand me? I believe people can make mistakes, but you need to make this right with him. I am not passing judgment on you - yet. I will reserve that for a later time. I will tell you this – I have never seen my son care for anyone as much as he cares for you. He has never called me like this pissed in a parking lot over a woman. That boy loves you. I don’t know what you feel for him, but you will make this right, do you hear me?” her voice was barely controlled fury, and it scared the shit out of Jana from halfway across the world. 

Jana broke down, tears running down her face as she clutched the phone to her ear. “I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. Michael has my heart – is my heart – and I am so sorry. I did something so stupid and I would do anything to take it back. I am so sorry for what I did to him,” she cried into the phone, her emotions getting the best of her now.

“I thought as much. Look I don’t know you. I only know what Michael has told me about you. The sun rises and sets on you, love. For Michael, anyway. Be gentle with him. He doesn't commit easily.  He can be a hard man - hard to love and isolated - but somehow you have done it. Show him that you love him and ask for forgiveness. I believe his love for you is stronger than any mistake you have made.” Michael’s mom was sniffling now, and Jana could hear the tears in her voice. “Now, go get my son and bring him home. Please call me when he’s at home and safe, dear.”

“Yes ma’am, as soon as I get him I will call you back.” Jana assured her, getting up and grabbing her shoes. She grabbed a phone book, frantically looking for a taxi service to come get her and take her to him.

“Good. I will be waiting for your call.”

“Mrs. Fassbender?” Jana asked hesitantly.

“Yes?”

“Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry again, and I will do whatever I need to make it up to you all. I am so sorry,” Jana stammered out.  She did not deserve this woman’s help or advice, but she was thankful for it nonetheless.

“We’ll talk about all that later, love. Please, please, just go get my son and bring him home.”

“Ok, thank you.” Jana hung up the phone and immediately dialed the taxi number. They would be here in less than 10 minutes. She just hoped and prayed that Michael would still be there when she got there.


	16. Chapter 16

The taxi cab turned into the parking lot and Jana let out the breath she had been holding when she saw her truck. He may be inside, but at least he hadn’t driven anywhere, thank goodness. She paid the cab driver and went to the truck, letting out another breath when she saw him sitting in the driver’s seat, head leaned back against the head rest. She opened the door carefully, and heard him snoring softly. She took the keys out of his slack hands. She could smell the alcohol, strong and heavy in the cab. She saw all the empty beer bottles on the floor and the almost empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his lap. Jana frowned in sadness, her eyes welling up with tears as she thought of him sitting alone in a parking lot and drinking because of her. She had done this to him – her and her alone.

She shut the door and went around to the passenger side, intent on clearing out the bottles so she could scoot him over. She grabbed the empty Spec’s bag, placing all the empty bottles inside and put them in the bed of the truck. She walked back around to the driver’s side and opened the door. She shook Michael gently, seeing if she could get him to wake up and scoot over but he just continued to snore. She walked back to the passenger side, crawled in and pulled his arm, causing him to slump over in the seat. Thank goodness she had a full seat up front, rather than the split with a console. She pulled enough to give her room, and managed to buckle him in, even in his slumped position. She got in the driver’s seat and started the truck. She buckled up and drove them home. She let her spare hand rest on Michael’s side, making sure he was breathing. He had drank so much and she was scared for him. She fought back tears on the ride home, her heart heavy with sadness for what she had done to them.

* * *

 

When they got home, Jana parked the truck as close as possible to the door, knowing she was going to struggle getting him inside. She quickly opened the front door, making sure the dogs were locked up and wouldn’t run out the front door. When that was finished, she went back out and opened the driver’s side door, and pulled Michael’s arm once again, pulling him up into a sitting position.

“Michael? Baby, can you wake up please? We need to go inside,” she spoke to him softly, shaking his shoulder gently in an effort to get him to wake up at least a little. He swatted at her hand, a frown on his beautiful face.

“Let me be..” he mumbled in his sleep.

“Michael. Michael. We’re home now. Please wake up so I can get you inside. You can sleep when we get in, ok?” she shook him again, a bit harder this time. He cracked open his eyes just barely, squinting at her in aggravation.

“Fuck. Let me sleep, alright?” he shook her hand off, trying to get out of the truck and pushing her out of the way in the process. When his feet hit the ground, he almost fell as his knees buckled, and Jana caught him in the nick of time. She wrapped her arm around his waist as he buried his nose in her hair and put an arm around her shoulder. She started walking slowly towards the house, bearing the majority of his weight. She never realized how heavy he was, all muscle and dead weight right now. She walked with him – staggered with him actually – all the way to the bedroom, helping him fall on the bed. As he fell, he took her with him, her landing on top of him. He stared up at her, a sloppy grin on his face.

“Do you wanna fuck?” his eyes were barely open and Jana again felt her heart break, heavy with sadness and regret.

“Michael I think you need to sleep, baby.” She tried to untangle herself from his grasp, but he wouldn’t let go. He continued staring at her for a few moments, the grin slowly disappearing off his face.

“So now you don’t wanna make love to me? I bet you would fuck him if he was here, wouldn’t you?” He sneered at her now, his eyes glaring at her, and Jana looked away, closing her eyes at the pain.

“Michael, please. Let’s just go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.” She managed to escape his arms, and stood up. She leaned down to remove his shoes and he pulled his foot away from her. She looked up at him, seeing him glaring at her still.

“Don’t. Don’t fucking touch my shoe or me.” He warned her, his voice deadly quiet now. “Get out of here and leave me be. Just get the fuck out.”

“Ok,” she whispered, blinking hard at the tears in her eyes. She left the room, going back out front to lock the truck up. She came back inside and locked the front door. Pulling her cellphone out of her purse, she dialed Michael’s mother. She answered on the first ring.

“Jana?” Michael’s mother asked anxiously. ‘Do you have my son? Is he okay?”

“Yes ma’am, he’s sleeping in our room. I mean in the bedroom, he..he’s sleeping.” Jana bit back tears again, her voice sounding numb even to herself. She didn’t know how much more of this she could take.

“Ok dear. Thank you. Get some rest and remember what I said earlier. It will all seem different in the morning, right?”

Jana shook her head in sadness, tears slipping out now and rolling down her cheeks. “He hates me. He will never forgive me,” she whispered, her heart aching in her chest.

“Jana, love, you have to try. You love him, I can tell. He loves you dearly. All you can do is try, right? You didn’t sleep with anyone, you stopped before it went too far. So at least there’s that. You made a mistake, nothing more and nothing less. Get some rest and try to talk with him tomorrow, alright sweetheart?”

“Yes ma’am. I’ll tell Michael to call you tomorrow. Thank you again,” she whispered, hanging up the phone. She sat back against the couch seat, letting her tears fall silently. She stared at her phone screensaver, her and Michael in happier times. What she would do to turn back time.

A sound from the bedroom had her running to see what was happening. Michael was thrashing about, his fist hitting the bed beside him in anger. His fists were balled up, the veins in his neck were prominent. He was having a very bad nightmare about her it seemed.

"I’ll fucking kill you asshole…no Jana, please don’t…I will kill you if you touch her again…” he mumbled in his sleep, his eyebrows drawn together in anger. She could see his teeth clenching and his muscle ticking in his jaw. “If you ever come around her again I will fucking kill you…Jana I am sorry…please baby…why….please..” his mouth screwed up in a frown, his chin trembling and Jana thought he was going to start crying.

She ran to him, placing her hands on his scruffy cheeks to calm him down. “Michael? Baby, it’s me. It’s okay, I am here,” she whispered against his cheek, her lips moving slightly against him. She could taste her tears on his cheeks. He settled down a bit, his arms relaxing against his sides and his breathing slowed. Jana waited a moment before stepping back, removing his shoes finally and dropping them to the floor. She pulled the blanket over him, taking care to cover his feet and drawing it up around his chest. She stared a moment longer and was going to leave when his voice called to her softly in the dim light.

“Please don’t leave me.”

Jana turned back, a tiny flicker of hope alive once again. She blinked at him through her tears, and walked slowly back over and sat down next to him on the bed.

“Michael – I am so sorry. I don’t-”

He pulled her to him, crushing her mouth in a desperate kiss. Jana melted into him, kissing him back, trying to pour all her feelings into that kiss. She was so sorry and she needed to make him understand that. Michael pulled her tank top off, and rolled them over, his mouth still hot on hers. Jana tangled her hands in his hair, his mouth moving to her neck, biting and nipping at her delicate skin. She would have bruises tomorrow where his mouth had been too harsh on her. He moved down her breast, biting at her nipples through her bra. He sat up, pulling her jeans off, along with her panties. Jana watched him through her lashes, still in shock of what was happening. She saw him unzip his pants, his erection springing free. He knelt between her legs, and plunged himself in, causing Jana to cry out in surprise and a bit of pain.  He was so rough this time.  Michael fell on top of her, his head buried into the side of her neck as he thrust into her. Jana wrapped her arms around his back kissing his temple and holding him tight to her.  He thrust one, two, three times and it was over. She felt him come inside her and it was over.  He lay there for a moment, and she held him tight, as long as he would let her. She knew this had not been making love. This was desperation - an attempt to be close to each other, and now it was over. She tried to hold back the tears as Michael began to pull away from her, lifting himself up on his forearms.

“Michael?” she whispered, hoping he would look at her. He had his face turned to the side and Jana felt the tear land on her chest, right above her bra. “Michael please look at me..”  She clutched him tighter to her, trying to hold him to her as long as she could.

“I..I can’t. Please let me get up,” he whispered, his voice hoarse with the tears he was trying to hold back. Jana dropped her arms to the side, releasing him.  He cleared his throat and swallowed hard as he pulled out of her, leaving Jana feeling empty and alone. He kept his head turned away from her as he stood up, pulling his pants up and zipping them, walking out of the room silently. He closed the door quietly behind him, plunging the room back into darkness.

Jana lay there for a moment, tears running down her cheeks yet again. She couldn’t breathe over that damn lump in her throat. She sat up, clutching the sheet to her breasts. She was numb, feeling cold and empty. She rolled out of the bed, grabbing her pants and panties, and walked over to the hamper. She tossed them in, and grabbed a new pair of panties and her usual sweats from her drawer. She walked to the bathroom, turning on the light. As she pulled the clothes on, she looked in the mirror, seeing the remnants of Michael on her skin. He had left marks all over her chest and neck. Her face was puffy from crying and her lips were swollen. She grabbed a washcloth, wetting it with cool water and wiped it over her face, trying to calm her inflamed skin. Not making much of a difference, she took the rag with her back to the bed and lay down. She placed the rag over her face, the coolness of it helping her fall into a restless sleep.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guinness and sad songs will get you every time...

Jana woke up Saturday morning, feeling like she was wrapped in a heavy blanket. She was burning up and couldn’t figure out why. She opened her eyes and looked down, seeing the blanket held snuggly against her by an arm wrapped over her chest. It was Michael's arm - she knew those freckles and that hair color by heart . She felt his hot breath on her neck, the smell of alcohol still very strong even now. She tugged at the blanket, trying to get some air somehow. She wanted so badly to get up and turn the air on, or the ceiling fan – something – but she dared not move. At some point he had come back in the room and he was here next to her and she didn’t want to ruin that for anything. She would die of heat stroke before she left his side. She lightly rubbed his forearm, feeling the coarse hairs there against her fingertips and smiled a little in gratitude to whoever had thought that she deserved this.

“You’re hot, aren’t you?” Michael’s voice in her ear startled her, and she immediately went still. Michael removed his arm, and rolled off the bed.

Well that was that, she thought sadly to herself, knowing he wouldn’t be coming back. She didn’t turn over, didn’t want to watch him leave. She lay there on her side, chewing on her fingernail as she debated what to do. She felt the fan come on, the air cooling her too-hot skin. When Michael lay back down behind her and wrapped an arm around her once again, she was almost in shock. She didn’t know what to say, or if she should say anything. She was more inclined to just be quiet and not ruin anything. She barely breathed, not wanting to disturb him. Was he still drunk and didn’t realize he hated her? She had no idea as she was not much of a drinker herself. Either way, she would take whatever he threw at her – good or bad.

“Better?” he mumbled into her hair, his arm tightening a bit around her waist and pulling her back into him. Was she fucking dreaming? “I know you are awake.”

“I…uh…I am just a little…I am surprised is all,” she stammered out, not knowing what to say or how to say it.

“By what?” He asked her again, his deep voice tickling her ear, sending shivers up and down her spine.

“By you. You are here –still – and you are in the bed with me and I don’t know why..” she whispered, still barely breathing.

“Where would I be?” He reached up, grabbing her hand and lacing his fingers with hers. She covered their clasped hands with her other hand, holding them tight to her chest. She blinked rapidly at the tears in her eyes, not daring to believe her ears. Surely he was playing some cruel joke on her, and he would rip her heart out before too long.

“Michael if this is some trick you are playing on me, please don’t. I beg you. I can’t take it anymore. I am sorry and I deserve everything you are doing to me, but please don’t do this to me.” She bit her lower lip to keep from crying.

“Trick?”  God he was infuriating with his one-word responses! Jana took a deep breath before replying.

“If you are trying to punish me with being here and then leaving please don’t.  I am sorry for everything and I would give anything to undo what I have done, but I beg you, please don’t do this to me,” she whispered, tears leaking out now and running down the side of her head to her ear. She used her free hand to wipe at her eyes, trying to calm her breathing and not alert him to her crying.

“I’m not trying to punish you. I am trying to make sense of everything. I want to be mad at you, and I feel like I should be mad at you, but right now all I want to do is lie here next to you. Maybe I am a fool for that, but I can’t help it. I love you and I can’t help it.” He lightly kissed the back of her head, and nuzzled her hair once again. “I am sorry about last night. I have no idea what I said or did but I am sure it wasn’t good based off of how I feel this morning. My fucking head is killing me.”

Jana was crying softly, unable to speak right now. She did not deserve this man, she did not.  After what she had done, she did not deserve him.

“Jana?”

She lay there quietly, her knuckles between her teeth, trying to calm the sobs that wanted to escape. Her shoulders started shaking, and she whimpered, unable to hold it in any longer. Michael let go of her hand, rolling her over to face him. He pulled her into his chest and she let everything go. She cried and cried, till she had nothing left in her. Michael rubbed her back, and kissed the top of her forehead repeatedly, trying to soothe her when he himself was shaken up still. What a fucking pair they were, he thought to himself, holding her tight to him. She finally settled down some time later and they lay in silence, her with her face buried in his chest and he with his cheek against the top of her head.

“You need to call your mother,” Jana whispered against the base of his throat.

“Already did earlier.” He kissed the top of her head again. “She likes you, baby.”

Jana pulled back to look at him, her eyes wide with surprise and confusion. “Really? After what I did?”

Michael’s lips thinned again at the reminder and Jana immediately regretted bringing that up. She ducked her head back into his chest lest he leave her.

“Yes. Even after. She said you were good for me and that you had taught me a much-needed lesson, whatever the fuck that means. She said that I had better make it work with you if I knew what was good for me.” Michael chuckled now at his mother’s audacity.  She still could scare the shit out of him, even over the phone.  Jana giggled too, albeit a bit nervously. She was still unsure of where she stood with him and what his intentions were. She was prepared for him to get up and tell her to fuck off again at any moment.

“Tell me why,” he said quietly and Jana closed her eyes knowing what was coming. “What did I do wrong that you felt you needed someone else?” She leaned back and looked at him, wanting him to understand that none of this was his fault. He could not blame himself for this.

“None of this was your fault. You did everything right. I was weak, Michael - weak and stupid and careless and I made a very bad mistake. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I am begging you for it.  I will do anything to undo this.  Anything you want from me, I will do it.” He rolled over on his back, staring at the ceiling, his forearm thrown over his eyes. Jana saw the muscle ticking in his jaw and she knew he was barely controlling himself again.

“You know, I have fucked around on women before, women I was dating.  Never as serious as we were – are – but now I know what it feels like. It fucking sucks. I get physically ill thinking of you…thinking about you and him…” Michael stopped talking, turning his head to the side and looking away from her.  Jana saw him wipe his hands across his face as he took in a ragged breath. When he turned his head back to her, she saw his eyes were wet and it broke her heart. She had done this to him.  She had reduced this beautiful, strong man to this - this sad and broken man in front of her now.

“Did I neglect you, baby? Is that what happened?” he whispered, blinking rapidly at her.  Jana rubbed her thumb over his cheek, wiping away an errant tear that had escaped. She shook her head at him, not wanting him to take any blame for her. No, she had done this all on her own.

“Michael none of this was your fault. I was lonely, yes, but I was weak. I wasn’t strong enough for us and I am sorry. I am no good at relationships – I never have been. I am always too needy and this is a result of that. If I were stronger then I would be a better girlfriend, but I am weak, Michael.  I am weak and I am sorry and I don’t know how to undo this. I don’t deserve you and I will understand if you want to leave.” Her lips trembled as she fiddled with the ring on her finger, unsure of what was coming next.

“Don’t you dare take that off, woman,” he whispered gruffly.  He leaned over and brought her hand up to his lips and kissed the ring tenderly. “It has a no-return policy.”

“Do you think we can get past this, Michael? Can you ever forgive me?”

He nodded at her, kissing her ring once again. “Yes, I think so, love. I am hurt – I won’t lie about that. I don’t understand it yet, but I want to try to see things from your perspective. I want to never make that mistake again. I never want you to feel like I have neglected you and that you need someone else.” He leaned over, kissing her gently on the lips and nuzzled her nose with his. “I love you, baby, and I can’t just turn it off like that.”

Jana smiled at him through her tears and cupped his scruffy cheeks with her hands, pressing her lips softly to his. “I love you, Michael,” she whispered against his lips, still feeling as if she were dreaming. What had she ever done to deserve such a man, and man that loved her the way this one did?

“And I love you,” he kissed her back, rolling her over on her back and looking down at her. “Would it be weak of me to want to make love to you right now? After all of this?” he looked down at her, indecision weighing clearly on his mind and showing apparent on his beautiful face. 

Jana bit at her lower lip, unsure of the answer he wanted.  She wanted him more than anything right now, but she would not push him into doing something he wasn’t comfortable with.  He looked down at her, his eyes darkening with desire as he saw her biting her lip. He licked his lips before leaning down and taking her lower lip in between his teeth. He didn’t fucking care if it was weak or not. He loved her and she loved him and that was all that mattered. They would get through this together.


	18. Chapter 18

Monday – 9/1/2014 5th counseling session with Dr. Vonn

 

Jana stared nervously down to her lap where she was twisting the edge of her t-shirt around her fingers. Michael sat next to her, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and chin in his hand as he waited for Dr. Vonn to come in the room. He glanced over at Jana, seeing her fidgeting with unease. He reached over and gently patted her hand, all the reassurance he could muster right now.

“It’ll be okay, baby,” he murmured, not sure if he himself believed that or not. He didn’t know if he was prepared for what would come in this session with Jana. He hated going to counseling himself, and the subject matter at hand was not something he was looking forward to.  At all.  While he and Jana had been getting along and were almost back to being "normal," he knew the elephant was still in the room and needed to be dealt with.  They could not pretend forever and they couldn’t stay in bed forever – as much as they would like.  No, the real world was beckoning them and they had to face reality. The door opened and in walked a middle-aged lady, probably mid-to-late 40s with dark, brown hair, light brown eyes, and a gentle welcoming smile.

Dr. Vonn was tiny – shorter than Jana – and more petite, if that was possible.  Michael studied her carefully, noticing the notepad she carried in one hand and the coffee in the other. He briefly wondered what might be on that notepad, his brow creasing in curiosity.

“Jana? Michael, I presume?” Dr. Vonn held out her hand for him and he stood up, wrapping his hand in hers. “I’m Dr. Vonn, but you can call me Karen if you’d like.” She smiled at him again, and Michael forced a smile back.  Dr. Vonn – Karen – looked around Michael to see Jana, noticing that she hadn’t stood up or acknowledged she had entered the room.  Jana was still looking down at her lap, still wrapping the shirt around her fingers.

“Jana? How are you today?” Dr. Vonn asked encouragingly.  Jana sighed and looked up briefly, her wide eyes giving her away. She was scared shitless.

“I’m good. How are you?” Jana’s voice was higher than normal, it’s pitch belying her words.  Michael sat back down next to her, closer this time and pulled her hand from where she was destroying her t-shirt. He wrapped her hand in his and pulled it to his lap, covering it with his other.

“That’s good. I am glad to hear that and glad that you have both come in today,” Dr. Vonn replied, pulling up her chair and sitting in front of the couple.  She crossed one leg over the other and opened up her notepad, pen at the ready.  Michael again eyed the pad, wondering what had been said in the sessions leading up to this one. “So, Jana, tell me what’s been going on since the last time I saw you? I assume Michael knows why he is here, correct?” Dr. Vonn glanced between the two of them. 

Jana nodded, glancing quickly at Michael before looking away again. “Yes. He knows everything. He got here on Friday unexpectedly and I couldn’t wait, so I told him.”

“He knows everything? Does that mean all that you have discussed with me at the last session? I just want to be sure we are all talking about the same thing?” Dr. Vonn said, leaving the question open for Jana to finish. 

Michael got there first. “She told me about the guy,” he ground out, staring at a spot over Dr. Vonn’s head. He could feel his blood pressure rising now, the vein in his head throbbing. Dr. Vonn wrote something down on her pad, drawing Michael’s eyes downward.

“What did you just write down?” he asked her, annoyance evident. 

Dr. Vonn looked up from her pad to stare at him. “I only wrote that you were aware of the situation, that’s all,” she finished with a warm smile.  Michael did not smile back.

“The situation? Is that what we are calling it now?” he stared at her hard, muscle in his jaw ticking now. 

“Michael I can sense some frustration in your voice, and anger. Can you talk about that?” Dr. Vonn focused on him now.

Michael laughed bitterly, releasing Jana’s hands and running his through his hair. She could sense his aggravation? Is that what you learn in psychology school? How intuitive, he thought to himself sarcastically.  Aggravation did not begin to describe what he was feeling.  He wanted to just go back home with Jana, to get back in bed where everything made sense. This – _this counseling_ – he did not want to do right now.

“Michael?” Dr. Vonn spoke again. He looked up now, cutting his icy blue eyes sharply at her.

“What do you want me to say? Am I pissed off? Yes, fucking absolutely. I really don’t want to talk about it. I was fine until now.”

“Ok Michael, that’s totally understandable. Anger is perfectly normal in a situation like this. What else might you be feeling?” Dr. Vonn coaxed, her voice calm and encouraging.

Michael steepled his hands, elbows on his knees and tapped at his lips with his fingertips.  He blinked hard a few times, trying to suppress his emotions.  He definitely wouldn’t cry here – in front of this stranger – even though he felt like he was at the edge of breaking down.  He pressed his teeth together hard, flexing his jaw muscles. “I don’t know what else I feel,” he murmured, trying to remain as monotonous as possible. Jana sat quietly next to him, not moving or speaking.

“Are you hurt, Michael? This had to be painful situation for someone to go through, I would imagine.”

Michael closed his eyes now, clenching them tight together to keep his emotions at bay. He would not fucking cry here. He would not cry. He ducked his head down, his hands on his forehead shielding his eyes from her as he sucked in a ragged breath. He stared at the carpet, a light-brown mosaic of different colors, as he tried to regain control of himself.

“Michael? What’s going on right now?” Dr. Vonn’s voice called to him, dragging him out of his thoughts.

He didn’t look up as he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper. “Yes. It hurts. More than I ever thought it would. Right now I am so fucking pissed off and I don’t know what to do with myself, or with her, or with anything. I just want to forget about all this bullshit.”

“Ok that’s good Michael. I don’t think this is something that you guys can just pretend didn’t happen.  It’s good that you can admit your feelings. How do you feel about Jana now?”

He looked briefly at Jana, seeing her staring at her lap, her shoulders hunched forward.  Michael thought how very small she looked right now – how fragile - and that he wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her. He looked back down at the ground momentarily before looking up at Dr. Vonn, his stormy blue eyes meeting her soft brown ones. “I love her. Nothing has changed about that, but…” he trailed off, looking out towards the window, his mouth set in a hard line.

“But?” Dr. Vonn asked. Michael looked back to her, his eyes once again meeting hers.

“I don’t know how to not think about it. As long as I pretend it didn’t happen, I am fine.  When I start to think about it – like now – I get pissed off again.  I don’t understand why this would happen.” He glanced over at Jana, seeing her tense up when she felt his eyes on her, hearing the accusation in his tone.  He quickly looked away, back towards the window. He saw the cars traveling down the road near the clinic, people inside going wherever they were going. How he wished he was anywhere but here….

“Jana? Want to add anything?” Dr. Vonn’s voice jerked him back into this hell of a session and he stared angrily at the spot above her head.

“I am not sure what to say. I have apologized repeatedly, but I don’t know how to make it right,” she whispered, looking at Michael, her big brown eyes wet with with moisture.  He refused to look at her, still staring at the spot on the wall. She turned her attention back to Dr. Vonn. “How do I make this right? I have hurt him so badly.”

“Ok, Jana? Michael? Can you both look at me please?” Dr. Vonn smiled encouragingly at them both. They both looked at her - Jana with her eyes wide with fear and unshed tears, and Michael with anger and stoicism, his arms crossed over his chest. “From what I gather, you two both love each other very strongly. I can see it with my eyes and I have only known you, Michael, for a few minutes,” Dr. Vonn looked at Michael directly before continuing. “With that being said, there is damage here. There’s been hurt and it’s been on both sides, believe it or not.”

Michael looked at her sharply, wondering where this was going. He hadn’t kissed anyone other than Jana last he had checked…

“Jana what happened when you were a little girl? When you were at your grandparents house, what happened?” Dr. Vonn looked closely at Jana, her voice soothing now.  Michael heard Jana’s sharp intake of breath, and he looked at her out of the corner of his eye.

“I was molested by my uncle,” she whispered, barely audible in the room.

“And what else, Jana?” the therapist continued.

“I was molested by my other uncle as well, and my step-dad’s friends,” she continued, looking at her fingers tightly clenched in her lap.

“And did you tell anyone?”

“Yes. Another uncle caught us – caught my uncle doing that to me – and everyone found out.”

“Go on, Jana. What happened then?”

“Nothing happened. I told my mother and nothing happened. They said they would get Christian counseling for my uncle because he was confused, but they pretended like it didn’t happen to me,” her voice cracking now under the strain.  Michael turned his head to her, his hand over his mouth, longing to reach out and grab her, and pull her in his lap, but he needed to hear this as much as she needed to get it out. She had never spoken this in-depth about her past. 

“What about your father, Jana? Where is he?” Dr. Vonn continued.

When Jana’s shoulders hunched in a little tighter, Michael looked sharply at the therapist in anger, indicating that he thought she was pushing too hard. Dr. Vonn shook her head at him knowingly. “Let her tell her story, Michael,” she instructed him softly. He glared at her for a minute before looking back at Jana. “Where is your father, Jana?”

“He’s in – well he was in prison off and on since before I was born. He’s out now as far as I know.”

“Did you have a relationship with him when you were little, or now?” Dr. Vonn asked.

Michael had never heard about any of this as Jana had never mentioned her father.  In all the time together she had never spoken about her father, never even alluded to him being in her life.

“I didn’t have a relationship with him, no, and I don't have one with him now,” Jana mumbled, fiddling again with her shirt edge.

“Why not?” Jana looked up at Dr. Vonn as a single tear rolled down her cheek and landed on her shirt.

“My mother told me he threatened to kill me in the hospital the day I was born. She said he told her he would put morphine in my IV if he could,” Jana swallowed hard, wiping at the tears rolling down her cheeks.  Michael looked around for tissues, finding them on the side table and quickly handed them to her.  Jana took them without looking at him and he sat back against the couch, still watching her closely.  He was stunned at what he was hearing, barely breathing. He realized just how much he had taken his family and upbringing for granted as he listened to Jana.

“And what about your stepdad, Jana? What was he like?”

Jana laughed a little now, wiping at her nose with the tissue before replying, “He was a drug head, addicted to weed and crack. He would not call my brother by his name - called him boy instead. He would beat my mother, and get drunk and invite his friends over and they would all smoke weed together. He didn’t work – only my mother did.”

“What did your stepdad’s friends do to you, Jana?”

“They would try to come in my room at night, through the door or through the window. They were always talking about my body, and making comments on how they would like to fuck me.”

“Did you tell your mother?” Dr. Vonn asked.

Michael was getting more and more furious by the second, his brows drawn together in anger.  Who the fuck allows their child – their daughter at that – to grow up like this?

“I did. She did nothing. I don’t think she could. My stepfather would beat her.  He got drunk once and pulled a gun on my mother and I. When he went to sleep finally, I crawled out of my window and my mother and brother and I left. We left and moved in with my grandparents.”

“Ok so tell me during this time who you leaned on? Who protected you, Jana?”

Jana looked at Dr. Vonn in incredulity, her eyes drawn together as a hysterical giggle passed her lips. “Who protected me? Me. I was protecting me. I stayed locked up in my room, buried under blankets. I was always in my room reading, or writing, or whatever. I tried to never be home, I would stay at school as much as possible.” Jana laughed again to herself, a private joke that only she knew.

Michael continued to stare at her, his heart breaking at the thought of his Jana as a child, a small girl trying to protect herself against all this evil. What in the fuck….

“So you have always relied on yourself, would that be safe to say?” Dr. Vonn continued, Michael looking back and forth between her and Jana, still trying to figure out what was going on.

“Yes.” Jana answered, her tone succinct. Of course she had to take care of herself – who else could she rely on?  She let go of the tissue and started fiddling with her ring, twisting it around her finger. She noticed she had gotten a tan, the white underneath the ring a stark contrast to her darker skin.

“Ok so fast forward a bit to when you and Michael met. Tell me about that, Jana,” Dr. Vonn continued.

Michael was so fucking confused.  First she was talking to him, and then to Jana, and now back to how they met.

He stared at Jana, watching as she twisted the ring he had given her around her finger.  She had a small smile on her face as she recounted how they met. She glanced shyly at him, and he smiled back, reaching over and taking her hand in his. He brought it to his lips, tenderly kissing the ring.

“I got a text in the middle of the night from some weirdo. It was Michael,” she smiled again at him, remembering those crazy times when they first began talking to each other. He smiled back at her and winked.

“What was your life like then, Jana?  Remember what you told me? What were you going through at that time when you first started talking to Michael?”

Jana cleared her throat nervously, the smile disappearing from her face as she looked carefully at Michael.  She had never let on how bad she really was. Granted, he had seen her fall apart - the times in Galveston and such - but he never knew what she was doing to herself before they got together. Michael squeezed her hand, encouraging her with his touch and a half-smile.  Poor guy had no idea how fucked up she really was….

“I was self-medicating.  I had just gotten back from a deployment. I was almost raped down range, but I managed to escape. When I got back, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I was taking pills for depression and anxiety and I was chasing them with alcohol. Beer, whiskey, whatever I could find,” Jana whispered, looking again down at her lap. She did not want to think of those days, days when she wanted to go to sleep and didn’t care if she ever woke up or not.

“Were you suicidal?” Dr. Vonn asked bluntly, earning another hard glare from Michael. He didn’t know therapy or counseling but shouldn’t she be a bit nicer in her questioning? He looked back at Jana as she answered the therapist, her voice cracking once again in pain.

“Yes. I wasn’t trying – I don’t think so anyway – but I wasn’t not trying to either, if that makes sense.  I didn’t care. If it happened it happened. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating properly. I was just existing and I didn’t want to anymore. I didn’t want to anymore…” She looked up briefly, first at Dr. Vonn and then at Michael. He shook his head at her in sadness, not realizing the pain she had been in. How had he missed all of this? Why had she never told him anything?

“Jana, baby, I didn’t-” Michael began, only to be cut off by Dr. Vonn.

“No, Michael, let her finish. It all comes together and explains things soon enough. Just be patient,” she smiled benevolently at him, understanding his intent but knowing that he needed to hear Jana, just as much as Jana needed to be heard. Dr. Vonn turned back to Jana, continuing on.

“So fast forward to when you realized you and Michael were in love. What was that like for you Jana? Had you ever been in love?”

Jana giggled again before replying, “No, I have never been in love before. I thought I was, but it was nothing like what I experienced with him-” she turned to look at Michael, “with you I mean. I have never felt that way about anyone before.”

Michael smiled at her again,  then leaned over and kissed her softly before realizing what he had done. He looked at Dr. Vonn quickly, seeing her smiling at them both.

“Sorry. Was I not supposed to do that?” he asked her ruefully, looking back at Jana again.

“You’re fine, Michael,” she turned back to Jana. “So you are in love with Michael. Do you depend on him? Can you rely on him?”

Jana eyed Michael carefully, afraid to say anything that might anger him or make him feel incapable as a man. She knew where this line of questioning was heading and she was worried how he would take it. He nodded at her, encouraging her to go on.

“Well I try. I want to rely on him, but I am afraid to. I still feel like I need to do everything on my own and make sure I am taken care of.”

“Why baby?” Michael interrupted now, unable to remain quiet. Dr. Vonn didn’t object this time.

“Because I think eventually you’ll leave. Or you’ll cheat on me.” She laughed now, a bitter, hollow sound that echoed through the room. “That’s funny, isn’t it? Considering what I have done?” Michael looked down at their joined hands now, his mouth drawing in to a hard line once again as he tried to not think about _that_.

“Jana, when Michael was gone what did you feel? When you were alone?” Dr. Vonn asked her now.

“I was angry. Pissed off. I felt neglected and I was mad at him and wanted him to be there,” Jana whispered again, afraid of what Michael would think. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that she was blaming him for all of this. No. No, this was all her fault.

“You didn’t feel connected to him, is that right?” Dr. Vonn continued, drawing Jana’s eyes back to hers.  Michael had released her hand and was now leaning forward again, his head bowed and elbows on his knees.

“No, no I didn’t feel connected.”

“Have you ever felt connected to anyone? Other than Michael, that is?” Dr. Vonn asked her as she scribbled on her notepad.  Jana shook her head, looking again at Michael. He was rubbing the back of his neck now.

“No. No one.”

“Not even your mother or your brother?” Dr. Vonn asked her.

“Not even them.”

“So when you felt a moment of panic - that loneliness -  with Michael being gone, what did you do?”

Jana inhaled sharply as she felt her face flushing, shame washing over her. “I turned to someone else. I was lonely and I was mad at you not being there and I started freaking out and I turned to someone else.” She looked at Michael now, tears once again running down her cheeks. “And I am so sorry, I should have never doubted you – us – but I did and I am so sorry and I don’t know how to make it better, Michael. I am so sorry.”

Michael did not look at her now, anger coursing through his veins once again. Fuck he wanted to put his fists through a wall - or through some asshole she had kissed, better yet. Fuck this shit.

He swallowed hard and looked up at Dr. Vonn. “Can we take a break? I need a smoke.” He quickly looked at Jana, seeing her head bowed in shame as she was crying.  He reached over and squeezed her knee in reassurance. “I’ll be back, love. I just need to get out of this room for a minute.  Just give me a few minutes, right?” Jana looked up at him and nodded quickly before turning back to the mess of tissues in her lap.

“Of course. Take your time, Michael. I’ve blocked out 3 hours for you two today, just in case.  Jana and I will hang out here until you get back.” Dr. Vonn said to him, her tone pleasant, the only calm thing in a room filled with tension so thick you could slice it with a butter knife.  Michael nodded and stood up, walking over to the door and stepping out, closing it softly behind him.

Dr. Vonn looked at Jana, a kind smile on her face. Jana just shrugged her shoulders, unsure of what to do now. “He’ll be back, Jana. That man cares for you deeply. You two are very lucky to have what you have.  He just needs a few minutes, dear.  He needs a few minutes to wrap his mind around what he’s heard. You are doing great, Jana. He needs to hear all of this. This is how you heal. This is how we began repairing what’s damaged, okay?” Dr. Vonn told her, her voice full of compassion.

Jana just nodded and hung her head low again, hoping that Michael would come back and that he would understand her. He had to. She had to make this right. As hard as it was, she had to undo what she’d done.


	19. Chapter 19

Michael stepped outside the clinic, quickly walking around to the back to smoke a cigarette.  He pulled the pack out of his pocket, his fingers trembling as he did so. "Fuck!" he mumbled under his breath as he dropped the cigarette on the ground.  He bent down, picked it up and brushed it off before lighting it. His hands were still shaking as brought it to his lips and inhaled deeply, pulling in a deep drag and holding it in for a moment before releasing it in satisfaction. He felt himself calming down slightly, the nicotine beginning to calm his anxiety and tattered nerves, but not quick enough. He sat down on the edge of the sidewalk, his hat pulled down low and sunglasses on, his mind running a mile a minute.  He was supposed to be quitting but there went that bright idea, floating away like the smoke from his mouth...

Fuck but he needed to calm down.

He took another drag, again holding it a moment before releasing it, his thoughts turning back to the situation he had just walked out on. If he were to be honest, he did not want to go back in. What he really wanted to do was go in and grab Jana and drag her back home.  Forget all this shit and just go back home.  All the things she had said were still running through his mind and he grimaced, thinking about her childhood and how shitty it was.  He had no idea, no idea it had been that bad for her.  She told him about the abuse but she had never talked about it in depth and he had never asked.  Perhaps that was his fault, his fear of getting into that conversation with her and not knowing how to deal with it.  Did he purposely avoid it? He didn’t fucking know.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew that these things bothered her still – well at least the things he knew about. This other shit…well he had no idea, no idea how she dealt with all that shit without falling apart.  He took another deep drag, holding the cigarette out between the tips of his fingers, staring at the lit end and watching it slowly burn. He tapped his finger against it, removing some of the ash and seeing the fire catch again.

He needed a fucking joint, that’s what he needed. He snickered to himself, thinking how ridiculous he sounded right now.  Here he was, outside cowering with his cigarettes, while the woman he loved was in that room crying her eyes out. Yeah, she had fucked up – and royally, he thought bitterly to himself – but he was beginning to see why Jana may have done what she did. She had never in her life had anyone to depend on.  When she didn’t, she became panicked, looking for someone.  He wasn’t there when she needed him. He knew it didn’t excuse the behavior, but it certainly explained some of it.

He thought back to when he had pretended to be with that girl - his agents fucking bright idea – and all the turmoil that had caused between him and Jana. He had kissed her on the cheek and done things that Jana did not like. Granted it was all pretend, but he had done that and she was pissed and hurt. Fuck she had practically kicked his ass to the curb over all of that.  Here she was, having kissed some guy in his absence, much the same. She hadn’t slept with the guy – he was fucking grateful for that - but she had kissed him and almost slept with him.  While it pissed him off beyond belief, he wondered how desperate she must have been to reach out to someone else like that.  She was so unsure of herself even now, so lacking in confidence.  He could imagine how this asshole probably showed her the slightest bit of attention in his absence and she ate it up. 

That was probably what hurt the most - her giving her attention to someone else.  Kissing and shit aside, he couldn't stand the fact that she would - could - need someone other than him. It was the emotional part that pissed him off.  That was the part that hurt the most, her being afraid, or lonely, or scared and putting her trust in someone else. All because he wasn't there. Her being held by someone else, her kissing someone else in their house, and in their bed....Fuck! He slapped his hand to his forehead, trying to beat the images out of his mind. Fuck!

His mind wouldn't shut off and he began to imagine what the fucker might have looked like.  Was he taller than him, bigger than him?  What did he drive? What does a psychologist look like? Turtlenecks, sweater vests? How the fuck did he know? He closed his eyes, taking another drag. Why the fuck did it matter, Fassbender? It was a mistake and it's over. He kissed someone and she kissed someone -  bottom line. Get the fuck over it and move on. He shook his head trying to clear his mind of the intrusive thoughts. Whoever he was, he had given something to his Jana that he couldn't provide at the time and this irked him to no end.

He frowned down at the concrete now, thinking of her in someone else’s arms again. He felt ill, just thinking about her kissing someone else and then... No he had to stop.  God that fucking pissed him off and he would still beat the shit out of the guy when he found out who he was.  Fuck him. Just as soon as he could get an name and address, yeah, he would pay him a fucking visit.  Ensure that the jackass knew Jana was off-limits.  Fucking dick.

The one thing that he was certain of even still was that he loved her. This surprised him as ordinarily he would have jumped ship at the first sign of any bullshit such as this. Besides that, he had never been in a relationship this long or put this much energy into making one work.  He had told his mum about her, for fuck's sake and she liked her! Not even having met her yet. That had to mean something, right? Maybe he was an idiot for sticking around, but he wanted to be her idiot. He had dreams of marrying her one day, of kids with brown hair and blue eyes, or brown hair and brown eyes, or red hair and blue eyes - fuck but he had dreams of that. He smiled, imaging Jana holding their baby in her arms. Their baby.  Not some fucking dickwad psychologist. No, he resolved to himself - he would just have to work harder and get past all of this. He was not ready to let go. Not yet. He took one final drag on the cigarette, inhaling it deeply and closing his eyes as he mentally prepared himself.

Michael finished the cigarette, grounding it out on the concrete. He knew he shouldn’t but he flicked the butt off into the grass. He stood up, dusted off his ass and walked back inside, ready for round two.


	20. Chapter 20

Jana looked up, her face showing her surprise as Michael walked back in. He walked over to her, kissing her lightly on the lips and sat down next to her.  She was still staring at him in shock as he grabbed her hand and pulled it back into his lap. He winked at her and looked at Dr. Vonn, who was smiling back at them both.

“Jana you seem surprised to see Michael.” Dr. Vonn stated bluntly.

Michael sucked in a deep breath – here they go again. He tried to relax his shoulders, mentally reminding himself that he loved this woman and she needed him and they would get through this together. He squeezed her hand tightly and looked over at her, offering her another smile – a weak one, but a smile nonetheless. She tentatively smiled back before speaking.

“Yes, I am a little. I actually thought he was not going to come back.”

“That is understandable. It has got to be pretty scary for the both of you to be going through this.” Dr. Vonn commented before continuing. “Let me say one more thing as well. I want to say how proud I am of the two of you and how hard I see you working. The way we fight in our relationships determines how successful the relationship will be. When couples turn away from each other and don’t resolve issues, then you have continued problems. What I see here is two people who both deeply love each other and who both want to make this work. Am I correct in that assessment?”

Jana looked at Michael and he looked at her. He pulled her hand up to his lips, kissing it once again.

“Absolutley,” he murmured against her hand, looking at her still.

“Whatever I have to do to fix it, I’ll do it,” she whispered, that damn lump in her throat. “I love you, Michael. I really do and I am so sorry for everything.”

He leaned over now, cupping her cheek with his free hand and pulled her to him, kissing her softly. “And I love you more,” he spoke softly, his blue eyes staring into her brown ones. She smiled again now, biting at her lower lip, drawing his gaze down. He shook his head at her action, his eyebrow raised in warning. She giggled now, knowing exactly what was on his mind.

“Ahem!” Dr. Vonn cleared her throat in mock embarrassment, eliciting a laugh from all three. “Well now that we have that cleared up, let’s get back to business, shall we?” She looked back and forth between Jana and Michael, waiting for permission to begin.

“Well fuck it, I guess. Let’s get on with it then,” Michael grumbled, leaning back into the couch seat but still holding Jana’s hand tight in his.  Jana nodded in agreement.

“Ok so Michael. Let’s start back with you. Why did you feel the need to step out of the room earlier?”

Michael eyed the therapist warily, unsure of what he should or should not say. He looked over at Jana and she offered him a small smile.

“It’s okay, Michael. Whatever you need to say to me or whatever, just do it. I need you to be honest with me,” she said, squeezing his hand now. He nodded in resignation and sat up a little higher before beginning. Here goes nothing…

“Well, to be quite honest I was getting pissed off again. I don’t like thinking of her kissing some other motherfucker and all the other stuff about her past… well….it was pissing me off. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. You know it’s hard to hear those things and not be able to do anything about it, you know? Then I start doubting myself, wondering if I could have prevented this stuff if I had known more about her past and we had dealt with it…I don’t fucking know…” he trailed off, looking at Jana to see her reaction. She was staring down at her lap, fiddling once again with the edge of her t-shirt. She was going to have a hole torn in it by the time this was over.  Dr. Vonn nodded her head, writing things down on her notepad again as she looked thoughtfully at the two of them.

“Jana, we talked a bit while Michael was outside. Can you share with him what you shared with me?” Jana looked up at her, and then over at Michael, and then back down to her t-shirt before she began to speak.

“Well Dr. Vonn and I have been talking about attachment theory and how people are attached and I think that’s a big part of my problem.”

Michael’s brows drew together in confusion, looking between Jana and Dr. Vonn for clarification.

“I have no idea what the fuck that means, just so you know. I am an actor so….” he said, trying to keep his tone jovial. It was getting serious again way too fast.

“Well a brief explanation of attachment theory is that we are all born with the need and desire of being attached.  Babies are attached to their caregivers. We desire this bond with other human beings. These attachments can be secure, anxious, ambivalent, avoidant, etc,. and depending on the relationship with the caregiver, these attachments can set the stage for how we interact in adulthood. When we apply this to someone such as Jana, we can ascertain that she has never had a good attachment to anyone. Not her mother, not her father, and basically no one else. She then had these multiple traumas come along, stretching her thinner and thinner. Things that she has never really dealt with, but merely coped with - if you will - and she hasn’t been coping in a healthy way either.” Dr. Vonn leaned forward in her chair, coming closer to Jana and Michael.

“Then along comes you” she gestured towards Michael, “and Jana has no idea how to handle this. She has never had a stable relationship with anyone, including those people that should be protecting her. It can be overwhelming to be in a relationship with someone you love, but are afraid to love at the same time. Does any of this make sense?”

Michael nodded slowly, trying to comprehend all the information that was being thrown at him. He looked over at Jana and saw she was staring straight ahead, her face void of all emotion. He lightly squeezed her hand, letting her know he was still with her. She looked at him, the corner of her mouth raising slightly in a half-hearted attempt at smiling.

“So what we find in people who have a fearful-avoidant attachment style – as I believe Jana does – is that they deeply desire an attachment to those that they love, but they have been hurt so many times that they are fearful of becoming attached. They may do things to purposely interfere with the attachment in an effort to maintain self-preservation. These types of individuals believe that they will ultimately be hurt if they allow someone to get close. The desire to protect ones’ self can be overwhelming and induce great anxiety. So while this doesn’t excuse the behavior,” she looked carefully at Jana now, “it can help explain why someone would make the choices they make.” 

Dr. Vonn leaned over, looking closely at Jana now. “Do you want to add anything to what I have said, or disagree, or anything?”

Jana took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders and raised her chin before speaking, looking at Michael directly now. “I know I haven’t dealt with things properly. I know that. I always assumed the worst – with the model, with everything, Michael. Every time you didn’t call when you said you would, whenever you were somewhere too late, whatever it was – I always assumed you were cheating on me. It got to be too much after 2 years. I pretended to be so sure of our relationship but I was not – I am not - even still. So when Liam – this guy – came around, I think I was trying to screw us up before you could screw us up, if that makes sense? I am so scared of what I feel for you, and I am afraid it’s going to be gone one day. So maybe rather than wait I would just destroy it first. It sounds stupid I know but I think that’s what I did. I think what I feel for you is so strong that I would rather not have it – not get in too deep – and have it taken away. Maybe I was trying to get your attention, to see if you really cared about me. I don’t know exactly why I did it, Michael.”

Jana continued to look at him, memorizing every nick, every blemish, every red hair and that scar on his beautiful face. She was fairly certain that this wouldn’t last much longer, their relationship. Who was she to deserve this man and how on earth would he ever forgive her?

Michael sat still, his heart beating fast in his chest as he tried to make sense of everything. He wanted to ask her a question, but he was so afraid of the answer. He balled up his empty fist, his thoughts and emotions warring inside with indecision. He turned to look at her, knowing he had to ask and he had to be willing for whatever the answer was.

“What were you thinking about when you kissed him? Was it me?” he asked her, trying to keep the hoarseness out of his voice. His throat was killing him, like his emotions were trying to bubble up and spill out. No longer able to hold her stare, he looked down at the ground in front of him, suddenly feeling very drained. He was so fucking tired.

“Let me tell you what happened Michael, from the beginning. I’ll stop when you tell me to, but I want you to know what was going on in my head that day, ok?” Jana whispered, her heart breaking again at what she had done to this strong, beautiful man. Even if he forgave her, she didn’t know if she could ever forgive herself for what she had put him through.

“He originally came over to drop off a copy of _Breaking Bad._ He was told to come by a … _friend_.  She is no longer a friend after all that.  Anyway, you and I got in a fight that night about the dogs, and I was just pissed off.  I wasn’t able to reach you by phone as you were in New Zealand then I think.  It just kept going, and I got more and more angry. I saw you on television at some press thing and it made me so angry, Michael. So mad that other people got to spend time with you and I didn’t. So the next day, this person asked to come again. My heart said no but my pissed off brain said yes. I had already been drinking that day and I had taken an anti-anxiety pill so I was pretty lit.”

“So you were falling back into a pattern of self-medicating, then?” Dr. Vonn interrupted, writing something down on her notepad.

“Yes. I had some left over pills, and I don’t even know if they were good or not. I just took them for as long as I could until I ran out.”

“Ok we’ll discuss that later. Go on, Jana.” Dr. Vonn smiled encouragingly at her. Michael continued to stare at the ground, his grip on her hand getting tighter by the minute.

“So that night I was buzzed pretty good, and he came over and we were talking and the next thing you know he had kissed me. He kissed me Michael. I didn’t stop him immediately, but he initiated the kiss. I remember thinking that he didn’t kiss like you, and that I wasn’t really into it, but I didn’t want to be alone anymore. It literally made me sick to my stomach, and I remember gagging, trying to turn my head away from him. We went to the bedroom and we sat down on the bed. He tried to kiss me again, and I started crying. I couldn’t stop crying, Michael. All I kept thinking was I wished it was you, Michael. I wished it was you.” Jana stumbled now, the tears forming once again and she blinked rapidly to keep them at bay. “So he got a little aggravated but he didn’t push me. He understood Michael. I could have been raped that night, but he left when I told him I couldn’t do it. I am not trying to excuse my behavior or his, but that is what happened. I have removed myself from direct contact with him since that night and he agrees. We went to the program director and we were honest and we agreed that this was the best thing.”

Michael released her hand now, folding his arms over his knees and placing his head on his forearms, looking down at the ground. He was feeling a mixture of relief and fury right now, and he couldn’t tell which was greater. Relief over the fact that it was just a kiss - and a shitty one at that -  but fury that the asshhole had the nerve to get aggravated when Jana wanted to stop. Yes, he would definitely beat the bloody shit out of him when found him.  He was grateful that it was nothing like the image he had in his head of the two of them making out on the couch for hours on end and then taking it to the bedroom.  No, it was nothing like that.  Jana had been desperate – _for him_ – and grasped at the first available thing that came along. Before that she had been taking pills and drinking to cope – all while working on her doctoral and putting on a brave front for him. When that didn’t work she reached out to someone else.

“Michael?” Dr. Vonn’s voice, soothing and empathic, intruded on his thoughts. “What’s going on right now? Can you say anything to Jana?”

He kept his head down, feeling like he had weights tied around his neck. He had heard about therapy being draining, but he had never really experienced it – til now that is. He took in a deep breath and looked up, first at Jana and then at Dr. Vonn. Jana was again looking down at her lap, twisting that same spot on her t-shirt around and around her fingers. He looked at Dr. Vonn.

“Right now? I feel relieved, but still pissed off. I think I might be more angry at myself for leaving her to feel this way.” He turned to look at Jana now. “Baby, do you feel like I choose my career over you? Is that what brought this on?”

Jana looked up now, shaking her head at him in fear and disbelief. No, she would never be the reason he gave up his dream. “No Michael! Don’t ever think that! It’s me, I need to learn how to cope with things better if I am going to be in this relationship with you. It’s me, baby. Not you.” Unable to hold his gaze any longer, she looked back down at her lap, her shoulders slumped in shame. Michael looked back at Dr. Vonn.

“Could you give us a minute? I don’t know if it’s allowed but could you give us a minute? I need to speak with Jana alone, if you don’t mind," he asked, flashing a smile in the hopes that she would go for it.

Jana’s head snapped up, her breathing becoming shallow as her heart started beating faster. He was going to break up with her, she knew it.  He was going to do it now, or he was going to yell at her for what she had done, or something. This was not going to be good. Dr. Vonn noticed the change in Jana and looked at her in concern.

“Ordinarily we don’t do this Michael, leaving clients alone in the room. Pretty much negates the role of a therapist.” She looked at Jana now, her voice concerned. “Jana? What do you think? You are the client here, so it’s up to you. Do you want me to step out for a moment so Michael can speak with you?”

Jana looked at Michael, seeing the intensity in his eyes and she was afraid.  Afraid of what was to come, but she knew she deserved it, whatever it was. Steeling her resolve, she nodded at Dr. Vonn. “It’s ok. It’ll be fine,” she forced a smile on her face. 

Dr. Vonn looked between Jana and Michael one last time before standing up. “Okay, I’ll step out for a moment. If anything gets out of control in here we’ll be right outside the door, understood?” she looked at Michael pointedly, and he nodded his head in return, fully understanding her meaning. Dr. Vonn walked over to the door, stepping out and closing it quietly behind her.

Jana and Michael sat in silence, the only noise the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner of the room. The silence stretched on and Jana could no longer take it.

“Michael, I just want-”

She was interrupted by Michael reaching over and pulling her into his lap, his mouth landing on hers. She was momentarily shocked, not knowing how to feel, but then her body began to respond to him in the way it always had. She tangled her hands in his hair, holding him to her as she clung to him. He plunged his tongue in her mouth, tangling with hers, teeth clicking against the others' as each tried to consume the others' soul. Their breath's became one, and it was hard to tell where one ended and the other began.  He had wrapped one arm around her waist, his hand clutching at her hip, while the other tangled in her hair, pulling her closer to him. Their kiss was hard but gentle, sweet but desperate, both wanting the other to know how each felt. Michael finally pulled back, his breathing labored as he struggled for breath. Jana was left breathless, dazed at the sudden loss of his lips on hers. He rested his forehead against hers, nuzzling her nose with his as she tried to reclaim his lips. Michael grinned against her mouth, avoiding her eager lips and teeth that were nipping at him.

“Jana, love, we have to stop,” he nuzzled her nose, still trying to avoid her beautiful lips that were again trying to pull him under. “The therapist is right outside the door and can come in at any moment, baby.” Jana wriggled on his lap, wanting to get closer to him.

“I don’t care, Michael,” she whispered breathlessly, moving around and nipping at his ear lobe, earning a groan from him.

“No baby, really we have to stop.” He hugged her to him tightly, pressing her small frame against his.

“What was that for, Michael? Why did you do that?” she whispered against his hair, her hands moving softly through the curls at the back of his neck.

“I wanted to make sure I could kiss you better than that fucker, and that you would remember.”

Jana pulled back, searching his eyes for understanding. Her eyes filled with tears again at the pain she had caused them both. “Michael? I am so sorry. That person is nothing like you. I have never been kissed the way you kiss me. I was high, and desperate, and stupid…Please believe me.” She pleaded with him, begging him to believe her.

He smiled at her, the corners of his mouth lifting up in that way that she loved so much. “I know, baby. I know it was nothing like what we have. I can’t lie and say it’s not going to come up again or that I won’t get pissed off again, but I trust you and I know what we have is different.” He tucked her hair behind her ear, rubbing her jaw with his thumb. “I promise you right now that I will be more available to you and that I will help you overcome all this shit. Never again will I take you for granted and let you feel that way. Ok, baby? I love you and I want this to work and I am willing to do what needs to be done, right?” He nipped at her lip once again, pulling back before she could pull his lip with her own. He grinned at her audacity once again and hugged her again tightly to him. They were still hugging, Jana sitting on his lap, when the door opened and Dr. Vonn walked in.

“Well I guess you two have talked things over?


	21. Chapter 21

They had ended the session with Dr. Vonn on a positive note, with both agreeing to keep the lines of communication open and to talk about their feelings – good or bad. While this frightened them both, they knew they needed to continue talking about things in order to mend what had been broken. They also agreed that if things got too heated, one or both would leave and cool off, rather than argue and fight. They had tentatively set up another appointment next week – Michael included – although he wasn’t entirely sure he would still be there. Dr. Vonn had left them with an “experiment” as she called it, in which they were to both think of 3 things they did not want to change about their current relationship. Rather than focusing on the negative, as she said, they would focus on what was working and build from there.

They arrived back home a little over an hour later, both mentally and maybe even physically exhausted from the session. Michael held the door open for Jana, closing and locking it after her. Gunner excitedly greeted Michael at the door, licking at his hand and whining. Jana rolled her eyes at the dog. The little dogs were going crazy in their crate, barking and whining to be let out.

“What a traitor he is…” she mumbled under her breath as she dropped her purse off at the kitchen counter. Michael laughed at her, vigorously rubbing the dog on his back and chest, earning a few contented mock-growls.

“What can I say? The dog has good taste.” Michael winked at her, walking over to the back door and opening it, letting Gunner out.  Jana walked over to the little dogs, opening their crate and letting them out. A flurry of little toenails clicked across the hard-wood as they ran around excitedly. Seeing the back door open, they ran towards it, Squeezy growling at Michael on the way out the door.

“That dog still hates me and I have no idea why,” Michael said, closing the door behind them. He stared out at them a moment more, before turning and looking closely at Jana. “Does it feel weird to you right now, or is it just me?”

Jana nodded in agreement, still unsure of where to go from here. She was sitting at the kitchen counter, on one of the bar stools. She nervously fidgeted with her fingers, twisting her ring around her finger.

“What do we do now?” she spoke softly, not looking at Michael.  She heard him walk across the floor and then felt him come up behind her, pulling her back against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her. He rested his chin on her head and she heard him sigh.

“Not sure. Would you like to go for a swim with me? It’s nice out, and I think we both could use some relaxing. What do you say, love?”

“Ok, sure. Let me go change,” Jana agreed, sliding off the bar stool as Michael released her. As she moved to walk away, Michael pulled her back into his chest, holding her tightly against him.

“No matter what, I love you. I just want you to know that. I might get pissed off some times, and say things I don’t mean, but I love you, baby. More today than yesterday. You know that, right?” Michael whispered against her hair, feeling her trembling in his arms. He was determined to see them through this, whatever it took. He would not make the same mistake twice. “Baby?”

Jana buried her face into his chest, inhaling deeply. She desperately loved this man, and wanted to stay here in this very spot as long as she could. Michael rubbed his hands up and down her back, occasionally kissing her hair. After a few moments, he pulled back, cupping her cheeks with his large hands and forcing her to look up at him. She still had her hands resting on his slim waist as she stared back at him, her eyes wide and wary.

“Baby, you alright?” Michael looked at her in concern, his customary crease there between his brows. “We have to talk about things, can’t keep it bottled up. The therapist said so, remember?”

“Yeah, I know. I just don’t want to say anything or do anything that will make things worse. Does that make sense?” She felt like she was walking through a minefield, unsure of what would aggravate him. She didn’t want to make anything worse than it already was. Michael leaned down and nuzzled her nose with his before leaning his forehead against hers. He smiled a little and sighed again, holding her close.

“We are a pair, aren’t we? Why don’t we go swim, relax a little, and go from there? No pressure, right?” He kissed her lightly on the lips before kissing her forehead once more and released her. “Go get that sexy little suit you had before. I’ll get changed up and wait for you out there, ok?”

Jana nodded again and walked to the bedroom to change into her bathing suit. 

* * *

 

Jana stepped out of the back door, wearing a large t-shirt in an attempt to cover her body. Michael was already in the water, leaning up against the far side, watching her with a grin as she came out.

“Why are you covered up? Take it off, baby,” he said to her, swimming over to her side. He propped his arms on the ledge, shaking his head to remove some of the water. He crooked his finger at her, motioning for her to come over to him.  Jana walked over to where he was and sat down at the edge, letting her legs dangle in the water. “Don’t you wanna get in?”

Jana still felt very awkward around him, unsure of how to behave.  She was worried about him getting angry at her again, not knowing when or if it would occur.  She was frightened, there was no doubt about that.  When he had slammed his fist into the wall it had scared the shit out of her.  What if he hit her like that? What if he got that pissed off again and he hit her instead of the wall?  She didn’t think he would, but she never thought her husband would hit her, and she certainly never thought Aaron would have done what he did. Jana looked down, seeing Squeezy had come to her side, baring her teeth at Michael before settling in by her owner’s thigh. Michael bared his teeth back at her and growled loudly, causing the dog to yelp and take off running.

“I don’t know why the fuck that dog hates me..” he said, watching her run away. He turned back to Jana, looking up at her curiously. “You are tiptoeing around me, love. Tell me why. Are you afraid of me, Jana?” Michael asked her quietly, his voice giving nothing away.

Jana stared down at the water, unwilling or unable to meet his gaze.

“Yes. A little. I have been hit before, Michael. When you hit the wall, it scared me, and I don’t know…I mean…I don’t think you would, but…I know I hurt you and made you very mad and I just don’t know..” she trailed off, pulling the shirt further over her thighs in an effort to cover up.  When he didn’t say anything for a few moments, she glanced at him out the corner of her eye.  He was floating there beside her, his chin propped up on his folded arms on the ledge of the pool, looking back towards the house. She didn’t know if she had pissed him off or not.  Why wouldn’t he say something to her? She could feel her heart beating fast in her chest, her skin becoming flush with anxiety.

“I would never hurt you, Jana. I would never touch a hair on your head, do you understand me? Yes, I am highly pissed off, and it still stings when I think about it, but I would never hurt you in that way.” He looked up at her now, his face grim.  “Look at me, love. Look at me.” Jana hesitantly looked at him. “I want to move forward, to get back to the way we were.  I need to know that things are okay if I have to leave.  I know work is going to call me away soon, and I can’t go when we are like this.” He scooted over, coming between her legs, prying them apart and positioning his body there. He rested his hands on the side of her thighs as he looked up at her. “Do you believe me, Jana? That I would never hurt you like that?  No matter what happened, I would never put my hands on you. Do you believe me?” His eyes were intense, bluer than she'd ever seen them.

Jana nodded, feeling the relief wash over her. She could physically feel the weight being lifted off of her.  Deep down she knew he would never hurt her like that.  She knew it in her heart.  She felt the tell-tale tremble of her chin, knowing she was once again on the verge of tears.  She looked down at Michael, smoothing a stray lock of wet hair off his forehead and smiled shyly at him, trying to keep the all too-present tears at bay. He grinned up at her now, all teeth on display.

“Kiss me, baby.” He used his forearms to prop himself up a bit as he waited for her kiss. She leaned down, cupping his scruffy cheeks and pressed her lips to his.

It was in that moment that Michael pulled her down into the water with him.

She came up sputtering, trying to see through the mass of hair that was hanging in her face. She could see Michael laughing at her as he leaned back from her and she grinned back.  She splashed water at him, feeling herself relax a little more. For now things were okay. For now they were good.

“You are such a jerk. I knew you were going to do that,” she pretended to glare at him, but her wide grin gave her away.  He just smiled back at her, his eyes alight with humor.

“You don’t need this, love,” Michael leaned forward, grabbing her soaking t-shirt and pulling it up over her head. He pulled her into his arms and moved them over to the shallow end of the pool, hugging her tight to him. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and neck, enjoying the feeling of the warm water and Michael’s hard body pressed up against hers.  She felt Michael fumbling with the strap of her bathing suit top, trying to undo the clasp.

“What are you doing, pervert?” she whispered against his neck, knowing full well what he was doing.

“You don’t need this either…” he whispered back, finally getting it to come undone. He pulled it off her shoulders, flinging it over on the concrete. “That’s better, right?” He wrapped his hands around her ass, lifting her up to him. She wrapped her legs around his waist, relishing the feel of her bare breasts pressed against his wet chest.

“M’hmmm..” she murmured, the sun and water -and stress - of the day taking its toll on her now. She was feeling so sleepy – could fall asleep right here in his arms if he’d let her. She closed her eyes, resting her head on his broad shoulder.

“You sleepy, baby?” Michael asked her softly, rubbing his hands over her nicely rounded ass covered by the tiny bikini bottom. He was anything but sleepy.

“M’hmm…” she murmured again.  Michael felt her arms loosen around his neck, and her head started to slip off his shoulder. She jerked awake, moving her head back up to his neck and hugged him tighter. She was so drained, so very tired.

“Ok love, let’s get you inside so you can rest a bit,” Michael said as he reluctantly carried her out of the pool.  He walked back in the house, letting all the dogs in and kicking the door shut behind him.  He carried Jana over to the couch and laid her down, covering her with a blanket that was lying nearby.  He walked into the bedroom, grabbed one of his t-shirts and a towel and brought them out to her. He sat down on the couch and gently rubbed her cheek with the back of his hand, trying to rouse her.

“Jana? Baby, I am going to lift you up and put this shirt on you, alright? We need to get you dried up and get those wet bottoms off as well.” Jana sat up groggily, wrapping the blanket tight around her body. Michael slid the t-shirt over her head, and she pushed her arms up through the sleeves.

“Now lay down, love, so I can take those bottoms off,” he said to her, waiting as she lay back down. “Lift your hips, baby.” Jana did as he asked and he pulled the wet bikini bottoms off, trying to avert his eyes as he did so. He used the towel to wipe her down where she was still wet, trying not to touch her too much. Fuck! He ran the towel down her private area and legs, pulling the shirt back down as he did so. He stared at her shapely legs, barely covered by his t-shirt that rested just at the top of her thighs. Fuck.  His body was betraying him right now. He was hard as a rock, but he knew that she was exhausted.  He covered her back up and kissed her gently on the forehead before getting up. He carried the bikini bottoms to their bathroom, dropping them by the tub, and headed back out into the kitchen area. He opened the fridge and grabbed a Guinness, pulling off the lid with his teeth, grabbed his pack of cigarettes and lighter off the counter, and went to the back door. He looked over at Gunner, who was lying on his bed by the fireplace, watching Michael curiously. The little dogs were camped around Jana, none moving – especially for him.

“You coming crazy dog?”

Gunner hopped up and walked over to Michael, waiting patiently as he opened the door, his little nub of a tail wagging happily.  Michael opened the door and followed Gunner out. He walked over to one of the patio chairs and sat down staring out over the fence at the vast, open space that was central Texas.  He leaned back in the chair, took a sip of his beer, and tried to calm his mind.  He set his beer down on the table and pulled a cigarette out of the pack, lighting it up and inhaling deeply before blowing the smoke out through his nose. Gunner came over to him, sniffed at the pack of cigarettes on the table, and sat down next to Michael, staring at him. Michael looked back at the dog and shrugged his shoulders.

“What?” he asked the dog and Gunner tilted his head at him. “I am fucking stressed. Your mom is going to give me a heart attack.”

He took another deep drag on the cigarette and let it out, sighing deeply. Gunner scooted forward, resting his head on Michael’s thigh. He looked up at Michael, his golden brown eyes staring up at his new master. He whined a bit, and Michael looked back down at him and chuckled. He was not much of a dog person, but this damn dog had won him over.  He scratched the dog behind his ears, and Gunner closed his eyes in contentment.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ginger problems...

“Michael? Baby wake up.”

Michael cracked open his eyes, seeing Jana standing before him as he squinted in the bright light. He looked around, momentarily confused by his surroundings. He sat up in the chair a little more, wincing as he felt his dry skin stretch. Fuck. He looked down at his bare chest and groaned. He had fallen asleep outside in the hot-ass Texas sun and he was nice and burnt. He never really tanned to begin with, with his hair color and light skin, and he was going to pay for this dearly. He gingerly leaned forward as Jana looked on in concern.

“We need to get you inside and put something on your skin, Michael. I think I have some aloe but you should probably take a cool shower first, maybe?”

“How long was I out here?” he asked her, looking down at his watch. It was after 5pm now.  Fuck.  He had been out here asleep for at least 2 hours. “Goddamnit…” he mumbled under his breath, slowly rising to his feet.

“I’m sorry, Michael. I just got tired and if I hadn’t slept so long, this would not have happened. I am sorry,” Jana looked at him, worried that he may have very serious burns that would require medical care. “Do you think you should go to the hospital? You are very burnt.”

Michael looked at her, a small smile on his very red face. “Baby it’s not your fault. I fell asleep out here, my own carelessness. Let me get inside and take a cool shower before we decide if I need to go in or not.”

He started walking towards the house, Gunner at his heels. Michael looked down at the dog, his eyes narrowing.

“Why didn’t you do something, dog? You left me out there to burn.” Gunner just looked up at Michael and whined, seemingly knowing that his master was in pain.  Jana rushed to open the door for him and stood back as he walked in.  She closed the door behind him, and followed him to the bathroom.  He was pulling off his shorts, and she was horrified at the stark contrast between the color under his shorts and that of his chest and upper body.  He was as red as red could be.  She started to get very worried for him thinking they should just head to the hospital immediately.  Michael caught her staring at him in the mirror and cocked a crispy eyebrow at her.

“I know you want to jump me right now, love, but I am a little fried at the moment. Can you turn that cold water on for me?”  Jana snapped to, closed her gaping mouth, and tried to calm her nerves.  She reached over and turned on the shower head, leaving it on cold.  She turned back to Michael, watching as he struggled with pulling off his shorts. He could barely bend over.  Seeing him wince, she quickly went to him and knelt down, pulling his shorts down ever so slowly.  Thankfully he wasn’t as burnt on his legs – thank God for body hair – but he was still burnt.  As she pulled the shorts over his feet, lifting one foot and then the other, she looked up at him from where she was kneeling. Michael was grinning down at her and Jana shook her head at his perversion.

“What? You know you are thinking the same thing…” he winked at her, and she struggled to maintain her composure. The man had sex on his brain entirely too much!  She shook her head slowly as she stood up, trying to grin at him but she was so damn worried about him.  She had never seen anyone this burnt. Ever.

“You need to get in the shower. Let’s see if it helps,” she walked over to the shower and looked at him, waiting for him to follow.  She grimaced as she watched him gingerly move towards the shower. He slowly stepped in, easing his body under the water as he hissed through his teeth.

“Fuck!” he growled, his teeth beginning to chatter as the cold water hit his fiery skin.  He stepped back, the pain was too much.  He looked helplessly at Jana, not knowing what to do.

“Let’s run a cool bath, ok?” she leaned down, stopping up the tub and turning the water on at the bottom. She stood back up, fighting back tears once again at seeing him in so much pain. “You want to try to sit down? We can use a washcloth and squeeze water all over your body?”

Michael nodded and carefully started to sit down. He reached out for Jana’s hand and she took his in hers, trying to guide him down into the icy water. She could feel the heat emanating off his body, even by just holding his hand.

“Once I get you seated I am going to call the hospital, try to speak to a nurse and see what they say, ok? I think you should just go in, but let me call them.” She knelt down beside the tub as he sat completely down on his bottom, hissing as the cool water shocked his burnt skin. His teeth were again chattering and Jana could see goosebumps all over his body. He sat straight up, legs out in front of him and arms propped on the sides of the tub. Luckily it was a Jacuzzi bathtub, and they could get more water in it than they would be able to with a regular tub. She let the water run until it was nearly full, coming up just below Michael’s armpits.  She grabbed the washcloth off the floor next to her, dipping it in the water and sponging it over his burnt chest and shoulders.  She stilled when he hissed once again through his teeth.  He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes, not wanting to turn his head towards her.

“Keep doing that, love. It’s fucking cold, but it needs to be done. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

“Michael I think you need to go regardless. I think we get you comfortable, and get some aloe on your skin, loose clothing, and then we go in?” Jana protested, not wanting him to suffer any more than was necessary. She resumed dripping water over his angry skin, watching as a new wave of goosebumps arose in her wake. He was shivering with the cold now, and she wondered if he had a fever? Wasn’t that a sign of sun poisoning?? She was beginning to freak out a little.

“No. Let’s do this first. See what happens. Go call the nurse, but I want to avoid them at all costs, right? It’ll be all over the damn news, one way or the other.” He looked at her again out of the corner of his eye, leaving no room for argument.

"Ok baby. I am going to go get my cell and call the hospital. I’ll be right back, ok? You’ll be alright?” she worried over him like a mother hen. 

He cracked a small smile before replying, “Don’t worry, sweetie. I am not going anywhere. I may fucking sleep here tonight.”

Jana nodded, hurriedly getting up and running to the living room to retrieve her cell phone.  She quickly went back to Michael’s side, not wanting to leave him for a minute. She sat back down on the floor next to the tub and opened up Google, looking for the nearest hospital.  She found Providence Healthcare was the closest, and she quickly dialed the number to the nurse advice line. She was on hold for a few moments when the nurse picked up.

“Hello? Yes, I have an emergency. Well I think it’s an emergency, but I am not sure.” Jana nodded, looking at Michael while she spoke. “Well my boyfriend fell asleep outside by the pool. He’s burnt pretty badly and I am not sure if we need to come in or not.”

“About 2 hours I think. He had no shirt on, so his chest and upper body is really red.” She nervously chewed on her nail, still staring at Michael.  He had his eyes closed now, and she was really starting to panic. “Hold on let me ask.”

She put the phone down on the floor beside her and leaned over the side of the tub, looking at him closely. “Michael, baby, do you feel sick at your stomach? Do you have a headache?” she asked him. He cracked his eyes open slightly, the white sticking out glaringly against his red face.

“No, just very tired,” he mumbled, closing his eyes again.  Jana worriedly picked the phone back up and placed it at her ear.

“Hello? Yes. He says no, but that he feels extremely tired.  Like he’s falling asleep in the tub right now.” She watched him closely, seeing his head begin to bob in an effort to stay upright. “Yes, hold on one moment. Let me lean him back so he doesn’t fall over.” Jana put the phone down on the floor and leaned over the tub once again.

“Michael? Baby wake up please. Lean back against the back of the tub okay? You are about to fall over.” She grabbed the washcloth, dripping more icy water over his skin. She had to wake him up. His eyes flew open as pain and shock crossed over his beautiful face.

“Fuck that’s cold!”

“I know baby. I am sorry. Lean back.  Scoot back and lean against the tub, okay? I don’t want you to fall over.” She coaxed him, watching as he scooted back slowly. “Okay Michael, that’s good, just lie back, okay? I’ve got a towel back here for you to rest your head on. Lean back.” She waited as he slowly leaned back, resting his head on the folded up towel and sighing in relief.  Thank goodness his back was spared! After making sure he was secure, she picked the phone back up.

“Hello? I am sorry about that. Yes, he’s laying back in the tub now. I think he wants to go to sleep. Is that good or bad?”

“Dehydrated? Yes he may be. He was drinking beer when he was out there. How many? I don’t know. I only saw one bottle.”

“Right now he seems to be sleeping. Should I wake him?” Jana’s eyes had never left Michael, and she was still nervously chewing on her nail. “Blisters? No I don’t see any yet. He has goosebumps.  Sitting in a cold bath. Breathing sounds normal to me.”

“Aspirin? Yes I have that as well as Tylenol Give him both? Ok I can do that. Milk? Yes of course.”

“Ok. Fever, vomiting – anything like that and we come in. Okay. Thank you so much!”

Jana ended the call and continued staring at Michael. She leaned forward, looking carefully at his angry skin once more. It seemed like it wasn’t as hot as before but she couldn’t be sure.  She checked to make sure he was securely seated against the back of the tub before going into the kitchen and getting all the necessary supplies the nurse had advised her.  She came back into the bathroom, relieved to see Michael still sitting there. She grimaced to herself, wondering where the fuck he would be able to go?? She sat down on the floor again, carefully setting the bowl of milk and water down carefully, not wanting to spill any.  She leaned over to Michael and spoke softly to him, trying to get him to wake up.

“Michael, baby, I have some medicine here for you. Can you wake up please?” Michael mumbled in his sleep, his eyes not opening. “Michael please. Michael. Michael!” she said more firmly this time, sighing in relief as his eyes finally opened. He glanced over at her, his eyes focusing on her slowly.

“Wha…what? What do you want me to do?” he squinted at her.

"I want you to take this medicine first, okay? It'll help with the pain and swelling. MICHAEL!" Jana's voice rose as she noticed he was falling asleep again. His eyes jerked back open, landing on her once again. "Here, Michael, take this medicine. Open up and I'll give them to you. I have water as well. Open up."

He opened his mouth and Jana placed the pills inside before bringing the glass of water up to his mouth.

"Here Michael. Swallow them. Here you need to drink the whole glass. Michael!"

He cracked open his eyes again, wider this time and glared at her.

"For fuck's sake okay!  Don't yell at me. Give me the damn glass." He held his hand up and took the glass from her, bringing it to his lips and drinking it down quickly. He handed the empty glass back to Jana and eyed her warily. "What now, nurse?"

"I have this mixture of milk and water - and ice - that I need to sponge over you.  The nurse said it will help with the swelling." Michael looked down at the bowl beside her, and back up to her face. Jana sighed, feeling very frustrated now. "Just let me put this on you and then you can go lay down. Your back is fine so you can at least sleep."

"Okay whatever. Just do it quickly please. I am freezing my balls off in here and I am tired as fuck," he groused, annoyance evident.

Jana picked up the bowel and moved it closer to the tub. She dipped the rag in the milky mixture and brought it up to his shoulders, letting the cloudy, white substance flow down his shoulders. He broke out in goosebumps once again, the coldness of the liquid warring with his aggravated skin.

"Do I need to rinse this off?" he asked, eyes closed still.

"No. The nurse said just coat your skin with the mixture and let it dry. It's supposed to take the burn out." She continued coating his skin in the mixture, trying to get every inch covered in what she hoped was a healing balm. She finished with his face, wanting to laugh as she dabbed milk on his red cheeks, but she dared not. She was still very worried about him and certainly didn't want to make fun of him.  When she finished, she dropped the rag back in the bowl.  She leaned down, unplugging the tub, and the water began to flow out. Michael's eyes opened now, resting on Jana.

"Are we done now, nurse? Can I get up?"

"Yeah, let me get a towel and then you can go lay on the bed, okay?" She moved to get a towel, turning around and finding him standing in the tub. He was a sight to behold. His beautiful body was literally cut in half at the waist - one part normal and one part super angry and red. Jana was once again shocked at how bad he looked.

"Here, give me that towel," he held his hand out and she placed the towel in his hand.  "Don't worry, love. It always looks worse than it is. I am sure it'll be fine in the morning." He attempted to smile at her, but failed as his cheeks cried out in protest. He finished patting himself down and stepped out of the tub carefully, dropping the towel on the floor. "I am going to go lay down. You coming with me?"

Jana silently agreed, still in shock over how burnt he was. Could it really look worse than it was? She surely hoped so, she thought to herself as she followed him back out to the bedroom. He pulled the covers back and laid down on his back, flat on the bed and naked. Jana carefully laid down next to him, trying not to disturb him.  She laid on her side, facing him, looking at his beautiful profile.

"It's too fucking hot here and the sun shines too much. We should move to London, love. I have never burnt there.." Michael trailed off, staring up at the ceiling.

"That's because it always rains there," she whispered back, worried about him. She would not get much sleep tonight, that was for sure.

"True. It does rain a lot and can be a bit gloomy according to some. I've gotta figure something out though if we are going to stay here. I might catch on fire next time." He laughed softly now. "Apparently the Texas sun is a bit much for my Irish roots." He moved his arm slightly, his hand reaching for hers.  Jana twined her fingers with his, relieved that his hand didn't feel as hot anymore. He shivered again, and Jana leaned over, pulling the blanket up right to his waist, stopping before she reached the burned area.

"Thanks, love," he mumbled, his eyes closing again as she laid back down. She laced her hand with his once again, and stared at his profile once more.  Just when she thought he was asleep he spoke again.

"What are we going to do about our kids? Half my blood and half yours. What if they catch on fire like me?" He laughed again, and with his eyes closed he didn't see the shocked look on Jana's face. Kids?? Was he talking about kids? Kids with her??  Images danced through her head, images of a tiny red-haired blue-eyed baby boy running after Michael.  She smiled to herself, thinking how wonderful it could be to have a child with Michael.

"Jana? You asleep, love?" he cracked his eyes open slightly and turned his head as much as he dared, looking for her. "What are you smiling about, sweetie?"

"Nothing...just thinking..." she shook her head, not wanting to speak her crazy thoughts out loud.

"I am burnt to a crisp. Tell me. You better not be laughing at me..." he admonished her. "What are you smiling about?"

Here goes nothing, she thought to herself.  No time like the present to put their honesty plan in place.

"I was smiling when I thought about us having kids, Michael," she whispered shyly, holding her breath as she did so.  How would he respond to that? She had never discussed kids with anyone that she was intimate with before. No one had ever had a conversation like this with her about something so serious.

He smiled back at her, pulling her hand up to his mouth and kissing the back of it before asking her, "Do you want to have kids, love?  With me?"

"I've never thought of it honestly. I never thought I would have kids, Michael."  Especially now. Was she too old? Just having turned 36, was that too old? She had no idea! How she would fit this around her education was going to be a hard task as well.

"Well, I want at least 3 or 4, just so you know," he said matter-of-factly, staring back up at the ceiling again. "I only have one sister and have always wanted a big family."

Jana's eyes widened in shock once again. 3 or 4 kids!?!  Holy shit that's a lot of babies!  She'd be like 45 before she got done having kids!

"I think one would be just fine in the beginning, Michael. See how that one turns out before adding to the bunch," she teased him, trying to keep the conversation light as well as calm her rising panic.  It was getting too deep way too quickly!

"So you're saying you'd want to have kids with me, Jana?" he persisted, needing an answer from her. He turned his head to look at her once again, his face serious now. "All joking aside - would you ever have a baby with me?"

Jana looked away for a moment, not sure of what to say to him. Of course she would have his baby! Was he nuts?? However, she didn't want to make a bad mistake and bring a child into this world if she wasn't absolutely certain her relationship was solid. She wouldn't bring a baby in this world to grow up fatherless as she did. She had already made so many mistakes with Michael - how could he ever trust her to have a baby with him and be a good mother? Fuck, would she even be a decent mother? She had no idea. She had hardly had any good role models to learn from.

"Baby?"

Jana looked back at Michael, a smile on her lips now as the image of a little brown-haired girl with Michael's goofy personality ran through her mind. He would be an absolute nutcase if they had a daughter.  Jana could just imagine what any poor boy would have to endure should he try to date Michael's daughter.

"Jana? Hello?" Micheal's voice drew her back down to Earth, and she focused her eyes on his now. "Are you listening to me at all?  You know I am the ill one here and you are supposed to be attending to my every need..."

"Oh God Michael! Of course I am listening! My mind just got away from me." She smiled shyly at him, and felt her cheeks flushing as she continued on. "I was thinking about what our kids would look like is all." She bit at her lower lip, insecurity weighing heavily on her. 

Michael seemed to visibly relax now, his head resting more comfortably on the pillow as he stared at her. The corners of his mouth turned up as he too thought about them bringing a tiny Fassbender into their home.

"So you do want to have a baby with me?"

"Well not this very moment, but eventually yes. I would like to start a family with you," Jana nodded at him, the smile still on her face.  "I just always thought I would be married first - not that I am saying we have to get married! Oh God! That came out wrong!"

"No baby I understand," he grinned his sharky grin at her. "So you want us to be married before we have children, right? We can arrange that. When would be good for you?"

Jana gasped audibly this time, unsure of whether he was joking or not. Was he seriously talking about marriage just like that? Just pick and date and we'll do it?

"How about a  week from Tuesday?" he winked at her, still smiling.  Was this man serious??

"You are crazy, Michael. Nobody picks a wedding date like that, just a random date out of the blue.  These things have to be planned out, guests, lists, all that stuff.." she trailed off, her mind going in a different direction now. First they were talking about kids and now a wedding? Her head was positively spinning at the moment, jumping from one topic to the other!  She brought her free hand up, taking one nail between her teeth as she began gnawing on it in consternation.  How would she fit all this in her schedule? How would Michael??  Her brow was furrowed, deep in thought as Michael looked over at her and grinned once again.

"Love, relax. We aren't setting dates for anything right now," he said to her, a small chuckle escaping. "I can see the wheels turning over there. Smoke is positively coming out of your ears."

Jana looked at him in confusion, wondering what direction they were heading in now...

"I got what I needed to know - one, that you will marry me one day, and two, that you are not adverse to having children with me."

Recognition washed over Jana's face as she realized what he had been doing - fishing for information in his idiotic way!  Getting her worked up for nothing!

"You are such a jerk, you know that right?" she grumbled, trying to release his hand and get up from the bed. He wouldn't let her go, would not release his grip on her hand.  
 His face was completely serious now as he looked at her, all humor aside.

"Don't run away, love, and don't be mad at me. Know this -  I want to marry you one day and I definitely want children with you one day. Not now, but one day, and sooner rather than later. I love you, sweetheart, and you are the one that I want to do all these things with. No one else." He brought her hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it once again.

"Even after all that has happened?" she whispered back, not daring to believe all that she had heard. How could he still want all those things, and with her? After all she had done?  How could he ever trust her and her judgement?

"Even after all that, love. Do you not understand how much I love you? I am not sure what you would have to do to drive me away, but you've not done it yet, love. I am still here, and intend on being here for a good long while. You know I am persistent as fuck." He grinned at her again, his teeth a stark contrast to his still red face.

Seeing his smile, Jana relaxed, once again breathing a sigh of relief as she laid her head back down on the pillow.

"Do you need anything? How are you feeling now?" she asked him, worried still about his sunburn.

"Are you trying to change the subject, love?" Michael asked her softly, his lips brushing the back of her hand once again.

"No, of course not! Just want to make sure you are okay is all," she hedged, indeed wanting to get off the subject of babies and weddings. She needed to think about that for some time yet - in her own time.  Right now it was a little overwhelming if she were to be honest with herself.

"Hmphh," Michael mumbled, not buying into her ruse. He would let the subject rest - for now at least. Give her some time to mull things over. He knew she needed to analyze everything, think of every possible way for things to go and make a plan for everything.  "I think I am okay. No ER visit for me. I'll be burnt for a few days, but I think I'll be good to go."

Jana smiled at him now, relief at the fact that he was not going to need to go to the emergency room.

"I should be back up to speed tomorrow and we can continue practicing the art of baby-making. What do you say?" He cocked an eyebrow at her, that look in his eyes once again.

Jana's breath stopped, feeling heat rush to her lower body in that way that only Michael could bring about. He was grinning at her, noticing the flush in her own cheeks. Well, two could play that game, and being that he was an invalid right now....

She reached over and ran her free hand up his thigh and over his crotch, feeling him instantly harden beneath her fingertips. He hissed through his teeth and looked sharply at her.  She giggled as his face turned from mocking laughter to dead-serious.

"You are such a brat. You know I can hardly move and you do that to me?" He grouched at her now, even more annoyed at his current state.

"What?" Jana feigned innocence, running her hand once again over his already hard cock.  Michael grabbed her hand this time, and held it to him. His pupils had dilated now, the blues a stormy sea of need and want.  Jana felt herself getting wetter by the minute as he stared at her, and she felt his cock throbbing beneath her hand.  How had he flipped this around on her??

"You feel that, love?" He asked her, waiting for her to nod. "Good. When I am better - maybe tomorrow - I am going to fuck your brains out. You'll be begging for mercy before I am through with you. You understand?"

Jana nodded again, unable to speak at the moment.

"Good. Now kiss me, love, and grab me a bite to eat, please?"

Jana leaned over to kiss him, brushing her lips lightly against his chapped ones. He pulled her bottom lip in between his and sucked on it, earning a groan from her as his hand came up to palm her breast through her t-shirt. His thumb and forefinger found her taut nipple, already hard, and began rolling it, earning another groan from her. He released her lip and Jana sat back in a daze her eyes glossed over with need.

"You're not the only one that can play that game, sweetheart." He smirked at her, knowing her all too well. "Food, woman. I am wasting away here."

Jana rolled her eyes at him and hopped off the bed, her body bitching at her, wanting to jump on him at this very moment. He wasn't burned _down there_ , so maybe...She looked back at him, her mind going over the possibilities as she bit at her lower lip.  Her eyes rested on his still hard cock, evident under the loose sheet that was barely covering him.  Michael shook his head at her, knowing full well what was running through her mind.

"Don't even think about it. As much as I want to fuck you senseless right now, we have to wait. Now, please get me something to eat and drink, love."

With one last look of longing, Jana turned on her heel to grab this frustrating man something to eat. It was going to be a long night.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	23. Chapter 23

Jana walked into the bedroom, looking for Michael. It was day 3 of Michael’s sunburn saga, and he was peeling now well and good. She had gone to the pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions that Michael’s personal doctor had called in for him over the phone. While neither Jana nor the doctor were too thrilled with the way Michael was handling this, neither could force him to physically go to a local doctor. So they had actually Skyped – yes SKYPED - with Michael’s personal doctor in order to determine the best treatment. No blisters were present and Michael wasn’t running a fever, so the doctor had prescribed the meds to ease the healing. His burn didn’t appear to be as bad as they had both thought it was either, although he did have a few areas that were still pretty aggravated, namely his beautiful shoulders. She found him in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror, looking at his peeling chest and shoulders. She peered around him in the mirror as she set the medication down on the counter.

“You’re not pulling at it, are you?” she looked closely at him, making sure he wasn’t pulling off skin. He rolled his eyes at her through the mirror.

“No, dear, I am not. What’s in the bag? A cream, I presume?” He picked up the bag, pulling out a bottle of pills and a tub of ointment. “Steroids, huh? Exactly what I need.” He grinned at her now, raising both his eyebrows at her.

“These are not the kind of steroids you are thinking about, crazy. Besides you only have 7 days, and that’s hardly enough time to give you huge muscles.”

“You want me to have big muscles, don’t you?” he turned to her, eyebrow cocked once again, and she couldn’t tell if he was serious or not. She patted him on his firm, little butt and smiled up at him.

“Babe, you are perfect the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing about you – and certainly not the size of your muscles.”

Michael smiled at her, leaning down and kissing her on the tip of her nose.

“I love you. Have I told you that today?”

“Only once,” she giggled at him, taking the pills from his hand.

“Well I love you, baby.”

“I love you more, Michael. Now let’s get this cream on you so you can maybe stop peeling, okay?” She picked up the tub of ointment, opening it up. Silver sulfa-something. It didn’t smell bad so that was good. The first night of bathing him in milk had been pretty disgusting. She wrinkled her nose up, thinking about that smell.

“Does it smell bad?” he asked her, seeing her facial expression.

“No. Nothing like the milk.”

“Yeah that was pretty fucking gross. Imagine having it covering you,” he frowned, remembering how sticky it was. It had helped but it was gross. He absolutely did not want to do that again. No fucking way. “Come on, then. Lather me up, love.” He held his arms out to his side, waiting for her. Jana smiled now, knowing she got the better end of the deal once again. She licked her lips as she scooped out a bit of the cream on her fingertips, drawing Michael’s eyes down to her mouth.

“Behave little one,” he murmured, watching as she tentatively touched the cream to his skin. He was not burning from the sunburn now. No, not from the sunburn. It was watching Jana’s reaction to rubbing that cream on his chest, watching as the tell-tale flush lit up her cheeks and she nibbled on that damn lip. God he wanted to push her up against the wall and have his way with her right now. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of her tiny hands rubbing the cream into his skin. He shivered a bit as she came too close to his nipple, involuntarily pulling his chest back from her.

“Am I hurting you?” she whispered up at him. Michael chuckled, shaking his head in amusement.

“Not in the way you think, no.”

“Okay.” She continued on her tortuous path, rubbing the cream into his neck and up as far as she could reach.

“Do you want me to do your face or do you wanna do it?” she asked him, a bit breathless now. He looked down at her and shook his head.

“No. You finish, love.” He stared down at her through hooded eyes, the electricity between the two of them was palpable now. He knew she was just as affected as he was he, if not more so. He leaned over a bit as she reached up to apply the cream to his cheeks. He did not take his eyes off her, watching her eyes the whole time.

Jana rubbed her fingertips over his scruffy face, feeling the lotion smooth itself into his parched skin. She was trying to calm herself; her thoughts of jumping Michael had heated her blood to a boiling point. Even though he was still red – and now peeling – he had been walking around shirtless and in boxer briefs only for the past few days and it was killing her. It was like a piece of cake was being dangled right in front of her – she could look but not touch.

Fuck.

Finishing, she looked back to Michael’s eyes, the air rushing out of her lungs as she saw how intense he was looking at her. Her heart skipped a beat and her breathing became shallow, seeing the heat in his eyes.

“I..I’m done…” she stammered out, words escaping her.

“Me too,” he said huskily, not knowing how much more of this he could take before he just took her. She subconsciously tugged her lower lip between her teeth and he lost it.

None. That’s how much more he could take – none. No more, he thought to himself as he leaned down to kiss her. Damn his sunburn.

He reached up and cupped her cheeks with his large hands, pulling her in for a kiss. Jana placed her hands on his forearms, not knowing if and where she could touch him. He kissed her softly at first, his warm lips moving over hers, painstakingly slow, setting more of a fire to her already heated blood. He ran his thumbs down her jaw and she opened her mouth to him, his tongue sliding in to tangle with hers. His kiss got more desperate – tongues warring with each other, breathes becoming one. Jana subconsciously moved her hands to his shoulders, causing Michael to pull back and wince in pain. Jana immediately dropped her hands and stepped back in dismay. The top of his shoulders was the worst part of the burn and he was still sensitive there.

“Oh God I am so sorry! Did I hurt you?” Jana searched his face and then stepped forward again, looking at his shoulders for more signs of damage. Michael rubbed his hand over the back of his neck and looked down at her, frustration evident on his beautiful face as he struggled to reign in his raging body.

“No, love. It stings, but you didn’t do anything to make it worse,” he sighed now. “This sunburn is a cock-blocking son of a bitch…”

Jana laughed out loud at his petulant look, although she was feeling just as aggravated as he was. She reached down and grabbed his hand, lacing her fingers through his.

“Let’s go get something to eat. Maybe that medicine will take effect quickly?” she asked hopefully, earning a half-hearted chuckle from Michael.

“You are insatiable, woman. I have created a monster.”

“Yes and it’s all your fault. Come on, you need to take that pill anyways. Let’s get all the meds inside you and see what happens, okay?” She started walking towards the kitchen, pulling a reluctant Michael along behind her.


	24. Chapter 24

Friday rolled around and Michael had finally begun to recover from his sunburn. The only place he was really peeling still was his shoulders. His face, arms, and stomach had turned to a light brown color and he seemed to have more freckles. It was almost laughable if you compared his front and back though, and Michael knew he would have do something about his odd color when he returned back to work. He had yet to tell his manager that he had fried himself, and he intended on waiting till he had to go back. No sense in riling anyone up just yet, he reasoned with himself.

He still had not received any definite word on when he needed to be back in LA for talks about a new movie he was contemplating, so he and Jana continued on as they were, spending as much time together as possible. They both knew their time was coming to an end though – with him having to leave eventually and Jana having to go back to her program. Before the end of the day she needed to head over to the campus and grab some paperwork for the next few weeks that she would be working at the clinic site.

Knowing that she may or may not run into _the asshole_ , Michael had decided that he would go with her – burnt or not. Jana did not argue with him, although deep down she thought it would be better for him to just remain at home and avoid any conflict. She was a nervous wreck thinking about those two tangling over her. Honestly she hadn’t heard from Liam since that day they parted ways at the campus and she wanted to keep it that way.

Michael came out of the bedroom in jeans, a loose t-shirt, and his usual ball cap on, leaving any evidence of his sunburn completely covered up. Other than his tanned face, no one would know the difference by simply looking at him. Jana sat nervously on the couch, dreading any kind of confrontation between the two men. She just wanted to get her paperwork and leave – simple as that. She didn’t want Michael to think she was hiding anything, though, and so she didn’t argue with him about coming with her. With any luck the campus would still be fairly empty, especially the graduate studies area. Hopefully, she thought as she shook her head slightly.

“You’re nervous, aren’t you?” Michael asked her, coming to sit next to her. He leaned back against the couch, pulling her back with him.

“Yes.”

“I promise I’ll behave,” he murmured into her hair. Jana was not convinced at all.

“What if he’s there? What will you do?” she questioned him, anxiety rising over what could happen. She could get kicked out of the program if something like this were to happen.

“Probably nothing. I just want to see what he looks like, is all.”

Jana sat forward and turned to look at him now.

“Why, Michael? What does it matter what he looks like? It’s over. It’s done. I did something incredibly stupid, but it's over.  I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. We're working on things, right?” Michael looked at her carefully, his jaw set in determination and maybe stubbornness.  She couldn’t tell what was going on in his mind right now, his eyes giving nothing away.

“Because I need to know. Besides, I want to see what you do and where you are all the time.”

Jana rolled her eyes at him now, knowing he was trying to change the subject. She went to get up, but he grabbed her and pulled her back down to him, gripping her chin between his fingers as he forced her to look at him.

“I need to go with you, Jana. Please understand. I need to go. If I sit here and wait for you my mind will go crazy and it’ll be worse. I need to go with you and see for myself,” his face softened, and she could now see the vulnerability there. He was just as nervous as she was, if not more so. Underneath his cocky, hard exterior, he was insecure over this still. She sighed in resignation, knowing that she had to do this for him, for them. She smiled softly at him now and leaned forward, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

“I understand, Michael. I told you, whatever it takes – I’ll do it. If this is what you need, then I’ll do it. I love you.” He smiled now too, relieved that she wouldn’t fight him over this. Once they got this over, they could move on. Put this behind them and move on. He just needed to see for himself what he was up against. If he happened to have a few words with the asshole then that was a different story, one that he would worry about if - when - it happened. He had already decided that he would make it a priority to find this asshole and _enlighten_ him before he left but Jana didn't need to know that...

“Right, you ready then?” he hopped up, pulling her up with him. He crushed her against his chest and whispered in her hair, “Thank you. I love you.” He pulled her back, smiling down at her.

“I love you, too. Let’s go get this over with, okay?” She stepped out of his arms, walking over to the kitchen counter and grabbed her purse and the keys to the truck. Michael walked over to her and snatched the keys out of her hand with a cheeky grin.

“I’m driving, woman,” he said as he headed over and opened the front door, beckoning her to hurry. Jana snorted, walking past him and mumbling under her breath.

“What was that, love?” Michael asked her, closing the front door and following her to the truck, opening the passenger door for her. Jana hopped in and looked at him, waiting for the door to be shut.

“I said you are such a man, Michael. A man and a baby, all at the same time..” she grumbled, earning a quick kiss from Michael.

“You’re right, but I am _your_ baby and _your_ man, so deal with it, love.” He winked at her now, closing the door and going around to the driver’s side. Jana took a deep breath, steeling herself for what might come. She just hoped and prayed that Liam wasn’t there and that everything went smoothly.

* * *

 

They pulled into the Baylor campus half an hour later, Jana gnawing on her fingernail. Michael looked over at her, feeling a little agitated himself. He didn’t rightly know what he would accomplish by this little trip, and he wasn’t entirely sure if it would help or hurt. His mind had been racing with thoughts of this Liam fellow. Was he taller than him, better looking, more in shape? The dick was undoubtedly smarter than him, and that pissed Michael off to no end. Michael tried to calm his mind by telling himself he had more money, he was a fucking movie star, and he was listed as one of the sexiest men alive, so at least he had that going for him! Fucking prick psychology dude wearing a cardigan. Bitch. He shook his head now as he pulled into a parking spot and put the truck in park, trying to reign in his anger that was steadily rising.

“Fucking idiot…” he mumbled under his breath, earning a sharp glance from Jana. “Sorry, talking to myself,” he shrugged his shoulders at her now.

“Look, Michael, I don’t know what you are hoping to get out of this. I just don’t want to make things worse between us, okay? I also don’t want to waste the past 2 and half years of my life if my boyfriend happens to beat up a graduate student and the program decides to kick me out,” she looked out the window now before continuing, twisting her fingers nervously in her lap. “With all that being said, do what you need to do. I understand and I know it’s part of the consequences, so whatever happens, happens I guess.” She looked at him quickly, her eyes wide and wary before looking away just as fast. Michael gripped the steering wheel tightly, trying to reign in his own agitation and nervousness as he peered over the hood of the truck.

“I’m not sure what I am hoping to get out of this. Maybe staking my claim on my woman?” he looked at her now, cocking his eyebrow and attempting a smile that ultimately faltered. He looked back out over the hood again, rubbing his hand over his mouth and chin. “I just need to, okay? I promise if I get too out of control I will leave. I have a career and reputation to think of as well. And you, Jana.” He looked back at her now, turning to face her in the truck and reaching over and pulling her hand into his, lacing his fingers with hers.

Jana looked back at him hesitantly. She wanted to be anywhere but here right now, she really did. For the millionth time she wished she could just go back and undo everything - the kiss, the  time spent with Liam, the doubts she had about Michael - everything.  Michael continued.

“I have you to think about too, love. This is all foreign to me – I’ve never had anything like this happen to me as far as I know, but I’ve also never had anyone that I cared about as much as you. It’s different for me, and basically I don’t know how to fucking handle it.” He pulled their clasped hands up to his lips, kissing the back of hers lightly. “Now come on sweetie. Show me where you do your stuff.” He gave her the most reassuring smile he could before releasing her hand and getting out of the truck.

Jana took a deep breath, bracing herself before getting out. Here goes nothing.


	25. Chapter 25

Jana led them to the clinic, looking for Ms. Harriet, the secretary for the graduate program. Harriet was an older lady, mid-60s to early 70s, and everyone looked at her as their grandmother away from home. Anything that needed to be done regarding paperwork, classes, etc., Harriet was the one to go to.  Jana walked to her office, Michael in tow. Thankfully it was empty today, with Friday being an unofficial day-off usually. Hopefully they could get in and out with no serious incidents. Harriet’s door was open and Jana sighed inwardly with relief. Get the damn papers and go. Just get the papers.

“Knock knock…” Jana called out, smiling as Harriet looked up. Seeing Jana, the older lady stood up and came around the desk, pulling Jana into a small hug.

“Well hello, sweetie! Was wondering when you would come by.” Harriet looked at Michael now, seeing him standing quietly behind Jana. “And who is this young man, Jana?” Jana turned to look at Michael, smiling as she took his arm and pulled him closer.

“This is my boyfriend, Michael. He’s down visiting and wanted to come see where I work and all.” She looked up at Michael now. “Michael, this is our “den-mother” Ms. Harriet. She takes care of everything and anything we might need.” Harriet chuckled at the affectionate term the students had given her over the years, holding her hand out to Michael. He wrapped her hand in both of his large ones as he greeted her.

“Pleasure, Ms. Harriet. Jana speaks highly of you. She’s very fond of you.”

“Well I am quite fond of her too,” Harriet smiled again, looking at Jana. “He’s a cutie, Jana, and that accent is something else.” She winked at Jana now, causing all three to laugh out loud. Jana snuggled up to Michael, starting to feel a bit relaxed now.

“Yes, he’s definitely a cutie for sure.”

“Indeed he is. Let me get you these papers, sweetie.” Harriet walked back around to her side of the desk, digging through papers that Jana needed to sign. Insurance, confidentiality, course agreements, etc. She placed them all in a folder before handing it to Jana.  She looked back at Michael now.

“How long will you be visiting, Michael?”

Michael cleared his throat, unsure of how to respond to that question when he didn’t know the answer himself. Jana did it for him.

“Michael’s an actor, Ms. Harriet, so he comes down when he can, or we fly to meet each other – that kind of thing.”Harriet leaned back now, her eyes wide with shock as she looked between Michael and Jana.

“A movie star? My word, sweetie! Do I know any of the movies?” Harriet questioned them both, her wrinkled brow furrowing even more as she tried to place Michael.

“X-Men, 300, …ummm…let me see…Jonah Hex…” he trailed off, knowing he would not mention Shame or some of his other racier films. “Inglourious Basterds?” Michael watched as Harriet’s eyebrows rose in recognition.

“Oh my goodness! You were the young officer that got shot in that bar scene!” Michael laughed now, knowing that was the one that she would probably have known. Harriet continued. “I don’t watch very many movies, but that one had Brad Pitt and I simply adore that man, and convinced my husband that we needed to see it.” Harriet winked at Jana, looking between the two of them again as she sat down at her desk. “Jana, honey, you’ve got yourself a fine young man here I think.”

“Yeah, yeah I do. He makes me very happy.” Jana smiled up at Michael now, enjoying the slight blush that she could see even under his tanned skin. He grabbed her hand, squeezing it tightly as he smiled down at her. “Well, I hate to leave so quickly, but I need to check my folder in the supervision room. Do you know if anyone’s down there?” Please don’t let there be anyone there, please, please, please..Jana quietly chanted to herself.

Harriet shook her head. “Not as far as I know. Dr. White was down there earlier, but not sure if he is now. A few students have drifted in and out throughout the day, but I believe it’s pretty clear. You can just fill that out and drop it by next week if you’d like? I know you’re good on everything, sweetie.”

“Ok then. I’ll go see if he’s there, otherwise it can wait til next week,” Jana replied, tucking the folder into her messenger bag.

“Okay sweetie, that’s perfect,” Harriet said, her gaze landing on Michael again. “It was nice to meet you young man. You’ve got a sweetheart there, treat her right.” She chided Michael, nodding towards Jana.

“Absolutely, Ms. Harriet. She’s my world,” he turned to Jana, winking at her as he did so.

“Ok let’s get out of here then,” Jana said, wanting to hurry up and get this over with. “I’ll email you or call if anything changes, Ms.Harriet.”

"Ok sounds good. You kids take care. Hope to see you again, Michael!” Michael smiled at her one last time as he and Jana stepped out into the hallway. He grabbed Jana’s hand, squeezing it reassuringly.

“That wasn’t so bad now, was it love?” he asked her as they headed down the corridor to the supervision area.  Jana cut her eyes at him, preoccupied with the thought of Liam being down here somewhere. She pulled her badge out, swiping it at the door lock and opened the door. Michael hesitated for a moment.

“Am I supposed to be in here? The whole key thing and all..” he trailed off. He didn’t want her to get in trouble due to his insecurity.

“No it’s fine. We have no clients right now and any kinds of files are locked up in another room. That one you can’t go in unless you’re a student, but the general areas are fine for family members and friends to an extent.” Jana assured him, pushing another set of doors open before finally finding the room she was looking for. She opened the door to what looked like a computer lab/television room. There were tables scattered about, workstations, and televisions mounted at various places throughout the room.

“This is the supervision room. Here is where we watch live sessions with other counselors, or we can watch our sessions again by pulling them up on the computer. We can do notes in here, case file stuff, research, consultations, and basically anything else we need to do. This is where I spend the majority of my time, right here in this room.” Jana explained to him, watching as he took it all in.

“This is not what I expected.  At all.” He smiled at her, surprise clearly written on his face.

“What were you expecting? Lots of little rooms with couches where we do therapy?” she teased him, smiling at him now. He nodded.

“Well yeah, actually.  Not this kind of place. I guess there’s more to it than I originally thought, love.” He pulled her into his arms now, kissing her hair. “I am proud of you baby. You are so fucking smart, and this is all sophisticated and shit, and…just wow. I don’t know what to say.” Jana blushed under his compliments, finding it hard to believe that anything she did could impress someone of Michael’s talent. She was just a lowly college student. He was an A-list actor, a household name.

“So what else? What are we doing here?” Michael asked, thoroughly interested in all she could show him now.

“Well I was hoping Dr. White would be here, but he’s not. He may be in his office down the hall. Do you mind if we check there really quick? If he’s not we can tour a bit more and then we can leave. I can’t do anything unless he’s here to sign my paperwork anyway.” She walked over to the door, motioning for Michael to follow her out. Closing the door behind her, the walked down the hall and turned left, finding another door with her professor’s name on it. Jana knocked lightly, instantly relieved when she heard a male voice call for her to come in. She looked at Michael.

“Just give me a few minutes to explain who you are, okay? He’s not like Harriet. At all. He's dorky and can be a douche, so let me explain you first, okay?” Jana said, holding her hands up motioning for him to stay put until she had the all-clear. She opened the door, stepping inside and closing it softly behind her.

Michael leaned up against the wall, pulled out his cell phone and began checking his email as he waited for her. The door opened almost immediately, and Jana ushered him inside. A heavy-set man, probably in his 50s, with glasses greeted Michael as he walked in.

“Hello, Michael. I’m Dr. White, Jana’s senior chair and the clinic director. Nice to meet you.” He held out a plump hand to Michael, grinning as he did so.

Michael took his hand, shaking it firmly as he replied. “Pleasures all mine, sir. I have enjoyed getting to meet all the people my girl works with. Amazing place you have here.” Dr. White’s smile got wider – if that was possible – under Michael’s praise of his center.

“So I have to say, I am a huge fan. Hope that doesn’t sound too weird?” Dr. White continued, clearly star-struck.  Jana stood there, watching the bromance unfold right before her eyes. Damn her papers, she thought agitatedly.

“Oh not at all! Which would be your favorite if you don’t mind me asking?” Michael continued, feeling at ease now with the people and environment he had been met with thus far.  Maybe this wasn’t as bad as he had convinced himself it would be…

“Well X-Men of course. I am the biggest Marvel nerd ever. I’ve got comics from when I was a little boy if you believe that.” Dr. White continued, enthralled with having met Magneto in the flesh. Jana looked around for an empty chair in Dr. White’s always incredibly messy office. Finding a somewhat decent one, she picked up a pile of papers and placed it on his desk before sitting down and watching the two men.

“Oh yeah, that was one of my favorite movies to make. Great cast, great friends and the fans are bloody fantastic. You know I was-”

Just then the door opened, interrupting Michael mid-sentence.

“Hey Dr. White, I – Oh sorry! I didn’t mean to interrupt!”

The voice dragged Jana’s eyes upward in horror.

Oh fuck no! Please fuck no.

He obviously didn’t see her behind the door and she barely saw his profile, but Jana knew that voice anywhere.

“Hey, Liam, come on in.  Our Jana’s brought us a special guest. Come on in and meet him.” Dr. White continued, oblivious to the tension that just filled the room. Jana watched as Michael’s back straightened, his jaw hardening and the muscle there beginning to tick as he turned to face the intruder. Liam stepped in the small office, his face momentarily registering shock as he saw Jana sitting petrified in the chair behind the door.

"Liam, this is Michael Fassbender. He plays in the X-Men movies. He’s Jana’s boyfriend.” Dr. White continued on, digging the hole even deeper.  Liam glanced at Jana, then back to Michael, then back to Jana again.

“Hello, mate. Name’s Michael.” Michael held his hand out, his voice deceptively calm.  Jana was sure she had stopped breathing and she could barely hear over the pounding in her ears.

“Umm..yeah..hello.” Liam gripped Michael’s hand briefly, the color clearly drained from his face. “Name’s Liam. How do you do?” He asked weakly.

Michael grinned now, all teeth on display, but there was no humor in his smile. No, he was like a cat toying with a mouse now and it was scaring the shit out of Jana.  Dr. White was oblivious to the tension, not knowing what had happened between her and Liam – and she wanted to keep it that way.  Liam cleared his throat, wiping his sweaty palms over his nervous face before stepping back towards the door.

“Well, I hate to run, but I’ve gotta get back to ..umm..the room over there…and I’ve got to…well I’ve got to go. I’ll talk with you later, Dr. White.” He nodded at Jana now before looking at Michael. “Good to meet you, sir. Take care.” With that he stepped out, closing the door quickly behind him.

“Well I’ve got to run to the loo real quick.” Jana audibly gasped hearing these words come out of Michael's mouth. 

He turned to her, pinning her to the seat with a hard glare, daring her to stop him. He nodded at Dr. White before stepping out in the hallway, looking for that asshole. He walked quickly down the hall, catching a glimpse of his dark hair as he turned the corner into the supervision room.  Michael moved quickly, catching the door before it shut and locked on him. He stepped inside, standing by the door as Liam was moving papers around, oblivious to his presence.

“You and I have some things to discuss, mate.” Michael breached the silence, his voice deadly calm.

Liam turned around in shock, the color still gone from his face. He was no small guy, but he clearly wasn’t anyone who brawled with angry boyfriends either. Michael momentarily gloated over the look of fear that passed over his face when the asshole first realized he was there. Good, you little fuck – be afraid, Michael thought to himself.

“I am not sure what you are talking about..” Liam hedged. “How did you get in here? This room is off limits to those outside the program.” Michael took a step forward, forcing Liam to stumble back into the desk behind him.

“We could take this outside. I’m game either way.” Michael said softly, still eerily calm.

“Take what outside?” Liam questioned again, trying to remain calm himself. Michael sized the guy up, taking note of his pleated slacks and douche-bag polo shirt. What the fuck had Jana seen in this guy? That thought immediately fired him up, forcing him to close his eyes in an attempt to remove that image from his mind. He opened them back up, staring once again at this asshole before him.

“She told me everything. Did you know she had a boyfriend when you decided to come to my house – _my house_ \- and watch fucking television with her?” Michael asked Liam, his demeanor masking his true emotions. “Don’t lie, man. Be a fucking man and fess up. If you did then say so.”

Liam swallowed hard, feeling his face turning red. He nodded now, confirming Michael’s suspicion. “Yes. Yes, I knew. She told me the first time I came over…” Liam stammered out, not knowing what to say.

“And yet you still came over? What the fuck kind of man are you? You take advantage of a girl who might be a bit lonely, knowing she has a man?” Michael shook his head at Liam, his mouth screwing up in disgust.

“Look. Yes I knew she had a boyfriend. I knew that before I even came over, okay? I’m gonna be straight up with you – I was attracted to her, and the fact that you were never around made it easier for me to approach her.”

Michael shook his head at the man again. What in the fuck? He took another step closer to Liam, his fingers itching to land somewhere on his face. His neck perhaps… Liam held his hands up, halting Michael in his tracks.

“Let me explain, guy. Just calm down. I know you’re pissed off – I would be too. I’ve never done anything like that with anyone else – pursued somebody’s girlfriend. I was stupid, man. I apologize. I really do. I wasn’t thinking. I had just broken up with my own girlfriend a little bit before the Jana thing, and my mind was in a weird place. She cheated on me and I think I justified it that way, me going after Jana. I am really sorry, from one man to another. I really am.”

“Huh.” Michael couldn’t think of a comeback. “So that’s it then?” Michael was not prepared for it to go down like this. What the fuck...

Liam nodded, trying to convince Michael of his sincerity. “Look man, I am not an asshole like that. Granted it went too far, but it was only a kiss.” He stopped now, horror crossing his face thinking he may have revealed too much. “Look, I-”

Michael held up his hand, indicating that Liam could stop talking at any fucking moment now.

“No, she told me. She said it was just a kiss, that you initiated it, and that she stopped it. Then you two agreed to not be around each other, and asked to be separated.” Michael looked at Liam closely, checking for any spot of deception. “Is that right?”

Liam nodded, affirming what Michael had just said. “Yes, that’s exactly what happened. I knew I had made a mistake, and so did she. It ended right there, man. Nothing before and nothing after. It was a bad combination of my stupidity, drinking, and just bad decision making.”

Michael rubbed his hand over his jaw, closing his eyes in aggravation now. He really wanted to beat the shit out of this guy, but it just wasn’t in him to do so. He believed the guy when he said he had made a mistake and he believed Jana. He wasn’t stupid – he had been around long enough to know how this shit happened. Fuck if it didn’t piss him off though, the fact that he couldn’t pound this guy’s face into the damn wall.

Fuck.

He opened his eyes, looking at Liam closely as he walked towards him. He kept walking til he had Liam pushed up against the table, no room to move. Liam held his hands up in protest, leaning back over the table in an effort to get away from Michael. Michael grabbed Liam’s shirt, pulling him back up to him. Even though Liam had a few inches on Michael, it didn’t deter him one bit, nor did it give Liam any bit of courage to fight back.

“Hey man, look-”

“No man, you look.  Jana’s my girl, understand? Whether I am here or some-fucking-where else, she’s off limits? You follow? It’s taking everything in me to not wrap my hands around your bitch-ass neck and beat the shit out of you, but you’re not worth it. You’re not fucking worth it, you hear me?” He sneered up at Liam, lips curled in contempt. Michael was almost nose to nose with him now, moving forward till his ball cap touched Liam’s forehead.

Liam nodded vigorously, “Hey man, whatever you say, okay? I hear you. Won’t happen again.”

Michael nodded up at him, “I know it won’t happen again, because if it does, I will beat the shit out of you. You understand? I’ll rearrange your fucking face, pretty boy. You got that? Stay the fuck away from my girl, you and anyone else.” Michael let go of Liam’s shirt, patting it smooth in a condescending way before stepping back away from him. Liam was breathing fast, still a bit panicked thinking he was going to get the shit beat out of him.

Just then Jana flung the door open, rushing into the room and immediately bringing her hands up to her mouth, thinking the worst. She looked between Liam and Michael, looking for any signs of a scuffle.

“Michael! What are you-”

“Calm down, love. Liam and I were just discussing a few things.” He looked back at Liam now, his gaze penetrating the man. “I think we’ve come to a suitable arrangement for all involved, right mate?”

“Absolutely,” Liam nodded vigorously.

Michael walked over to Jana, smiling down at her as he pulled her into his arms and brought his lips down on hers in a crushingly possessive kiss. Jana didn’t have enough time to get pissed at his barbarian display, the feeling of his lips pressed against her so hotly driving her mad. They still hadn't made love - not since Michael's sunburn - and she was going crazy with desire. The world – including Liam – fell away as she surrendered to Michael. When she was well and truly flustered, Michael ended the kiss, pulling her lower lip between his as he leaned back from her. She was breathing deeply, panting even, her eyes glossed over as she stared back up at him, the world slowly coming back into focus. He grinned at her, all teeth on display, looking every bit the predatory shark, before turning back to look at Liam.  Liam was standing by the table still, awkwardly trying to look anywhere but at the couple.  Michael smirked at him now, knowing he had made his point.

“See you around, man.” Michael said to Liam, his self-satisfied smirk even bigger now. Liam nodded his head in agreement, his movements over-exaggerated as he made a hasty exit. He didn’t say a word to Jana or Michael – simply grabbed his bag and headed out the door. Michael grinned after him.

Once the door closed, Michael turned back to Jana, his grin fading as he noticed the look on her face. She was positively livid. He knew he had fucked up big-time. She glared at him for a good long moment before she too turned on her heel, and walked out the door, leaving Michael standing in the clinic supervision room – alone. He ran his hand through his hair, sighing loudly as he thought about how his evening was probably going to go.

“Fuck me,” he mumbled to himself, walking out of the room and trying to think which way the exit was. He looked left and he looked right, not knowing which way to go. He chose to go right down the hallway – it looked the most familiar – and began walking down it, hoping that it would lead to the entrance they had come in. Even more so, he hoped Jana would be waiting for him at the truck.

He wouldn’t be surprised if she wasn’t though.


	26. Chapter 26

After being turned around a few times and redirected by random cleaning ladies, Michael finally made his way out to the parking lot where the truck was.  Well, to the spot where he had left the truck when they first got here.

The truck that was now gone.

He looked around, hoping maybe she had just moved it. No such luck.

“Fuck!” he mumbled to himself, fishing in his pocket for his cell phone. 

She left him. Jana had actually left him here in this empty parking lot. He tried to calm himself down, knowing that she had every right to be pissed at him. He knew he had acted like a Neanderthal back there. The only thing he hadn’t done was drag her by her hair down the hallway. No, she had all the reason in the world to be mad at him.  He too was beginning to wonder if there would be any repercussions for the way he behaved with that asshole Liam.  What implications would that have for Jana? Fuck!

He walked over to a tree, sitting down on the concrete under the shade as he dialed her number.  He knew it would be in vain, though, and shook his head as it immediately went to voicemail.

Fuck. He was going to have to find another way home. He sighed, resigned to his fate as he pulled up google, looking for the number of a cab that could come get him. He arrived back home over 2 hours later at nearly 4pm, frowning as he saw the truck parked in the driveway in it’s usual spot. He paid the taxi, and walked to the front door, unlocking it and opening it slowly. He peeked around the door before entering, wondering if something would be thrown at his head as he entered. Jana was nowhere in sight, and he stepped inside, closing the door slowly behind him. Gunner trotted up to him, welcoming his master with a lick on his hand.

“Hey buddy. Where’s your mama?” Michael asked the dog, looking towards the kitchen. She was not there either. He walked over to the counter, dropping his keys, hat, and sunglasses before heading to the bedroom. The little dogs were spread throughout the house, so he knew she was inside somewhere. He went to open the door to the bedroom, finding it locked of course. He leaned his forehead against the door.

“Jana? Baby? Please let me in, love.”

Silence came from the other side. He looked up over the door to where the little metal universal door key was, knowing he could easily open the door if he wanted to. He wanted her to let him in though – he did not want to force his way in if she didn’t want him there.

“Jana. Listen to me. I am sorry. Please let me in. Let me talk to you, please. I was stupid and I over-reacted. Just please let me in, love.” He bumped his head at the door again, nothing but silence coming from inside. “Look, I’ll leave you alone if you want. Just let me know that you are okay in there. If I don’t hear something from you I am coming in. Jana-”

“I am fine Michael! Just fucking go away for now!” Jana yelled back at him, causing Michael to flinch at the anger in her voice. Yeah, she was fairly pissed at him. Gunner looked up at him and whined, confused by his masters’ behavior. Michael sighed, knowing there was nothing else he could do right now.

“Okay. I’ll leave you alone for now. I’ll be out here if you need me, okay?” He called back to her, knowing he would get no answer from her. He looked down at Gunner and shrugged his shoulders. “Okay then, dog. I guess it’s just you and me tonight on the couch.”


	27. Chapter 27

Michael sat on the couch, mindlessly staring at the television as he waited for his mum to pick up the phone. On the third ring she finally did, and he let out a sigh of relief. He needed to talk to someone and since Jana had told him to basically fuck off, his mother would have to do for now.

“Hello, love,” his mother’s voice came over the line. “How are you? How’s your sunburn?”

“I am good, mum. It’s going away finally. How are you? How’s dad?”

“We’re good. He’s here somewhere, was tinkering in the garden with some new project. You know your father, dear.” She and Michael chuckled, knowing how his father was with projects. He still had plenty of things laying around yet to be completed from when Michael was a small boy…

“Where are you, love?”

“I am in Texas still. Managed to get quite a few days off, so I am staying put as long as I can.”

“So you two managed to work it out, then?” He could hear his mother smiling through the phone which made him smile as well.  He rubbed the back of his neck, remembering that Jana was still very, very pissed at him.

“Well, basically we did.  We went to one of her counseling sessions and I learned a lot about her and why it happened. I think we’re getting back to normal – or we were – and then it kinda went to shit again…” he trailed off, hoping his mother would offer up some words of wisdom without him having to explain everything. Now he heard her sigh over the phone.

“What did you do Michael?” she asked him bluntly. He swore he could see her shaking her head at him over the phone.

“I went to her school and had words with the asshole.” He said it matter-of-factly,  as he felt completely justified in what he had done.

“And then what?” his mother wasn’t buying that it was that simple. “Did you get in fight with him, Michael?”

“No. Believe it or not, I didn’t lay a finger on him. Well, I laid my hands on him, but I didn’t hurt him. It pissed Jana off apparently since she’s holed up in our room now.”

“I know that’s not all of it. Why is she mad at you?” his mother demanded now, getting frustrated with the half-answers he was giving her.

“Calm down, mum! I am _your_ son, remember?” he reminded her.  Wasn’t she supposed to be on his side – no matter what?

“Oh believe me, son, I know that full well. You are actually your father’s son more than mine if your behavior is any indicator. So tell me, what did you do, Michael?”

Michael rubbed the back of his neck once again, knowing he was about to get his ass chewed by his mother. He did not fancy ass-chewings by her either.  She could take him down so far that he felt like a child once again.  Fuck.

“Michael?”

“Okay so Jana came in as I was…er…discussing things with this guy. Then I grabbed her and kissed her really passionately, you know, and…” he swallowed hard now, “and when I knew she was fairly…uh…aroused…I turned to the asshole and made it pretty clear that she was with me.”

Goddamnit! Michael could feel his face burning, telling this to his mother. It even sounded stupid and pathetic to his own ears!

“For fuck’s sake Michael! Are you some dog that has to mark his territory? Why didn’t you just piss on her and be done with it? And in front of this man!”

“I know, I know…”

“I really don’t even know what to say. What did Jana do?”

“She left me at the school.  When I got to the parking lot to find her she was gone. I had to take a cab home, mum.”

“Well good for her. It’s no more than what you deserve. You are being a shit, Michael.” His mother was definitely not on his side now.

“What the fuck? How is this all my fault now?” Michael was getting aggravated, wondering how everything got turned around on him.

“You told me before that you had chosen to forgive her, correct?”

“Yes,” Michael ground out.

“Well then, forgiveness means not punishing someone for the rest of their life.  You went to her school – where she is earning a doctoral degree no less! – and made a fool of her basically. Do you not see that?”

“Well…yeah-”

“And to top it off, you did it on front of the man that she had this indiscretion with. The thing she is trying to make up to you – to earn your forgiveness for –and you basically threw it in her face. You made a mockery of her, Michael. Can you imagine how foolish she must feel right now, Michael?  In front of her colleagues, you discredited her as a woman.  Nothing more than sex, Michael. You should be ashamed of yourself, son.” His mother had done it – he felt just like a 12 year old boy getting his ass chewed for tracking in mud in the house.

“Well I feel that way now, mum..” he grumbled under his breath, earning another retort from his mother.

“And well you should! Do you know how hard it is for women to compete with men in general?  She is already embarrassed about what she has done and is trying to make amends.  She still has to work with this person from my understanding.  Now her childish boyfriend comes along and basically has a pissing contest with the other guy, and Jana is right in the middle.  Do you know how idiotic that sounds?”

“I wasn’t doing it to hurt her though! I wanted this asshole to understand that she was with me.” He argued with her, knowing he was going to lose.

“And you couldn’t make that clear in your discussion with him? You had to control her with sex, Michael?  Really?  Because that’s basically what you did.”

Michael had not thought of it that way at all.  Was she really pissed about that? He thought she was angry because he had almost beat up her asshole boyfriend and it could impact things at school and ultimately her career.  Did he really just embarrass the shit out of her like that?  He had used her body’s reaction to him – her sexual attraction to him – against her, and he had done it to make himself feel better.  Fuck.  If that was true then he really was a childish asshole.

“Since when did you move over to her side, mum?” Michael asked his mother, his voice sulky.

“When I realized how good she was for you, Michael.  Jana and I have had quite a few conversations.”

This was news to him.  When the fuck had she been talking to his mother?

“When did this happen?” Michael asked, trying to think of when they could possibly be talking.

“Over the past few days, since you were drunk and she called me.  We had a heart-to-heart, love, and many since then.  She called me when you first had the burn, and we spent a few hours talking each time.  Did she not tell you?”

Michael snorted. “Apparently not.”

Just then the door opened and Jana hesitantly stepped out.  When she saw Michael on the couch, she shook her head at him and held her hand up, indicating that she still wasn’t talking to him.

“She just came out of the room, mum..” he whispered into the phone, watching her as she walked around the kitchen. She was definitely ignoring him.

“Do tell her I will be calling her soon, please Michael.”

“Jana, my mum said she’ll be calling you soon” Michael called to Jana, looking for any reason to engage her in conversation.  Surprisingly Jana turned around now, a bright smile on her face as she replied to him.

“Awesome! Please tell Adele that I’ll be free all evening, so call whenever she’d like.” With that, Jana turned back to the fridge, ignoring him once again. What the fuck?

“Adele? When did that happen?” He asked Jana, confused at this turn of events.  She was on a first-name basis with his mother now? 

Silence still as Jana continued to ignore him. What in the fuck….

“Adele?? When did that come about, mum?” He gritted out, beginning to get pissed at both these women. They were absolutely infuriating!

“Oh hush Michael.  Don’t concern yourself with it.  You need to get off the phone and go make amends with her.” His mother was definitely on Jana’s side now and he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about that if he were to be honest. Michael looked back over towards the kitchen, seeing Jana loading up her arms with her supplies for the night. She was most definitely ignoring him and it appeared that she would be for some time now. He needed to hurry and get off the phone.

“Okay, mum. I need to go. She’s going to lock herself in the bedroom again. I will call you tomorrow, right?”

“That’s good, love.  Be nice, okay? And remember I love you, Michael.”

“Love you too.” With that he hung up the phone, getting up quickly and heading to the kitchen to see if he could get Jana to talk to him. She was already on her way back to the bedroom, arms full with bottles of water, chips and dip, a pint of ice cream, and paper towels.  She appeared to be setting herself up to be alone for quite some time.  Michael stopped in front of her, preventing her from proceeding.

She was going to talk to him, one way or the other.


	28. Chapter 28

She glared up at him as he stood before her, then moved to the left to try to go around him.  He shifted, blocking her there as well.  She looked angrily at him, her mouth set in a hard line. Michael stared back down at her.

“Get out of my way.”

“No.”

She moved to the right and tried to go that way, only to have him move and block her once again.

“Goddamnit Michael! Get out of my way!” she practically yelled now, frustration evident on her beautiful face. He so badly wanted to reach down and kiss her, take her in his arms and tell her how sorry he was. He was more frightened that she would punch him though, so he reigned himself in.

“Please let me talk to you, love. I am a shitty boyfriend. I didn’t realize how that would affect you. I am sorry, please stay and talk with me.” He pleaded with her, staring at her as she looked away from him. “Please? Remember we said we were going to be open and honest and work through things. Dr. Vonn said we should, remember?"

She turned to look at him now, annoyance on her face as she glared at him.

“Oh don’t throw that in my face now, Michael! I have been trying everything possible, even going to my campus with you, knowing that something like this would probably happen. Knowing that I could possibly lose my degree and career over this.” Her voice cracked now, eyes filling with angry tears. “Do you realize how stupid you’ve made me feel, Michael?  Do you have any idea  how pathetic I felt when you did that to me? Do you even care or was your need to prove yourself and mark your fucking territory more important?”

She shifted, nearly dropping the water bottles as she tried to wipe at her face.  Michael carefully removed the bottles from her arms, along with the paper towels and ice cream, and set them on the island in the kitchen.  Jana wiped at her face again with her now free hand, and Michael hated himself for making her feel this way.  He timidly touched her arm, cringing when she flinched slightly at his touch. He dropped his hand back to his side.

“Jana, baby, believe me when I say I am deeply sorry for that shit I pulled.  I was being a jackass and my emotions got the better of me.  Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t know right now. I just don’t want to be around you. I am tired of crying and tired of all of this.  Either you forgive me and we move forward or we don’t Michael.  I can’t keep worrying about this.  I know I fucked up.” She looked up at him now, imploring him to believe her words. “I know this, Michael.  If I could undo it I would. But I can’t.  I can’t undo it, Michael, as much as I want to.”

“Jana, I know-” Michael began but was interrupted by her.

“No. Let me finish, please. I can understand if you get aggravated with me, or that you might not trust me, or that sometimes you will want to get away from me – that I can understand. I know that will take time, and I am willing to endure whatever it takes to earn your trust back.  With that being said, what I am not okay with is you treating me like shit at my college just to prove how manly you are. If you feel like you need to punish me like that then we maybe need to rethink this relationship. I can’t do that, Michael.  I have been at the mercy of men for too long, and it stops now.  I am at a point where I don’t need you for anything.  I want you, and I love you more than life itself, but I don’t need this and I certainly don’t need another man treating me like shit.  If this is a condition of your love – if that stuff back at school is what you need to heal – then I am healthy and self-aware enough to know when I should probably walk away.”

Her shoulders slumped now in resignation, tears running freely down her cheeks.  Michael silently pulled the chips from under her arm, and the dip from her hands, setting them down on the counter as well.  He walked back over to her and pulled her into his arms, cupping the back of her head as she cried into his chest.  He was such an ass. A complete and utter ass. He kissed the top of her head, rubbing his hands up and down her back as she continued to cry.  He hated making her feel this way.  He didn’t even know what to say right now, what he could do to make it better. 

Jana felt her tears soaking his shirt – same story, different day it seemed – and all she wanted to do was go to her room and crawl under the covers. How would she face her colleagues next week? She hoped and prayed that Liam would keep his mouth shut, and that he wouldn’t make things difficult for her. As a 4th year student, he had quite a bit of pull over her and her ability to remain in the program.  Not only that, but he could potentially press charges against Michael if he were so inclined.  She just felt weak thinking about all the possible ways her life could get screwed up in the next few weeks.  The fact that Michael was behaving this way did nothing for her either – she couldn’t live with a man who treated her this way.  Would he ever forgive her? Or would they be going along fine and then one day he decides he’s pissed and something like this happens again? She didn’t fucking know and she wasn’t sure she had the ability to hang around and find out, never knowing where she truly stood with him.

“Jana, love. Can we go lay down? Or sit down on the couch?” He felt her stiffen in his arms. “I am not going to try anything – I promise. I just want to be near you. We can talk or not, whatever you want to do, love. I just need to be near you.”

Jana nodded almost imperceptibly and stepped out his arms, heading to the bedroom.  Michael followed her, not knowing if he was about to be kicked out or not. He would try his luck anyways.  Jana walked silently into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her. Michael went to his side of the bed, pulling his t-shirt over his head and tossing it in the hamper.  He pulled his jeans down, leaving him in only his boxer briefs. He plugged his cell phone in and climbed into bed, sliding under the covers and lying flat on his back, staring up at the ceiling as he waited for Jana.  Just when he thought she might be sleeping in the bathroom, he heard the door open and she stepped out, hair loose around her shoulders. She was wearing his t-shirt – which he fucking loved – and a pair of shorts. She climbed in bed herself, not making any move to scoot closer to him.  As she rolled over on her side facing away from him, he knew it would be up to him to bridge the gap.  He thumped his fingers against his chest, debating on whether he should chance it or not. He was damned lucky he was even in the bed with her now, and he didn’t want to fuck that up and end up on the couch. No fucking way.  Still…if he could just inch his way over, wait til she was asleep maybe?  Then wrap himself around her…it just may work.

He waited for all of about 5 minutes before he couldn’t take it anymore. He began shifting to her side, trying to be as still and quiet as possible. When he was right behind her - and had not been punched yet – he turned on his side, scooting close and draping and arm over her. Again he felt her stiffen at his touch, and that cut him to the core. Felling bolder, he tightened his arm around her, pulling her back against him and nuzzling her hair. It had been a few days that he had to maintain his distance from her, what with this damn sunburn. She smelled fucking great and he couldn’t get close enough. He leaned his head down and kissed her on the bare spot where her hair had fallen over her neck, and he felt her shiver beneath his lips. His lips traveled a bit further, attempting to nuzzle her ear when she stopped him.

“Michael, please don’t. Not right now, please,” she whispered in the dark.

He immediately pulled back, not wanting to rush her. He would just have to be grateful that he was here and she was letting him hold her. For now that would have to be enough. He settled himself, pulling her closer to him again and closed his eyes, trying to calm his mind and hopefully get some sleep somehow.


	29. Chapter 29

Michael woke up a few hours later, looking around groggily and seeing that Jana wasn’t in bed with him. He rolled over and looked at his phone to see what time it was.

Nearly 2am.

Where the hell was she? The bathroom light wasn’t on so she had to be in the living room or kitchen. He slowly sat up, grabbing his phone and headed out to find her. He saw her sitting on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, phone to her ear. The couch faced away from the bedroom, so she didn’t see him come out of the room.

“Yes, I know. I am trying but I am so angry right now.” He heard her say into the phone.

He stood by the doorway, wanting to listen a bit more to this conversation. Who was she talking to so late?

“Of course I love him. He’s infuriating, but I love him….I know…” She nodded again, and he could see movements indicating that she was chewing on her nail as usual. She really needed to stop that.

“In the bedroom still. I am in the living room, on the couch. No I don’t mind if you don’t. I meant to call you earlier but I was exhausted and fell asleep,” Jana shook her head. Who the hell was she talking to???

“I would love that, Adele. Whenever is convenient for you – our house is always open to you and your family.”

His mother.

Jana was out here, on the phone at 2am talking to his mother.

What in the fucking fuck.

Not caring if she saw him now, he walked over to the couch and plopped down next to her, eyebrow cocked at her. Jana sighed, pulling her blanket in tighter around her.

“Hello, mum!” Michael said quite loudly, despite Jana’s aggravation. She glared at him as she spoke into the phone again.

“Yes. He’s here now. On the couch with me. You want to talk to him?” Jana stared pointedly at Michael as she nodded. “Ok, here he is.” She handed the phone to him, frowning as she did so. Michael took it and brought it up to his ear.

“Hello, mum. Fancy getting a call so late from you…” he eyed Jana, watching her jaw harden as she looked away from him. Michael listened to his mother for a few moments, rolling his eyes and shaking his head.

“Yes, yes I know! I will figure it out, mum.”

Michael sighed deeply, aggravated at the conversation he was having.

“Right. Okay….OKAY!”

“Okay look I need to go. Call you tomorrow?”

“You want to speak with Jana again?” He looked at Jana now, still looking away from him. “Jana, my mum says to take care and that she’ll call you tomorrow afternoon sometime.”

“That’s fine, thank you.” Jana replied stiffly, still not looking at him.

“Ok mum. I know! Fuck! Okay, love you too. Bye.” Michael ended the call and laid the phone on Jana’s lap.

“So that’s when you’ve been chatting with my mum, is it love?” Michael asked her, hoping she would talk to him now.  She just sighed, grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels.

“How long are you going to ignore me, love? You know I may have to leave here really soon, and you are going back to school, so we are wasting time right now.”

Jana turned to glare at him now, her eyes flashing. “Maybe you should have thought of that before acting like a damn caveman!”

Michael rubbed his hand over his eyes and took a deep breath. She was still very, very pissed at him.

“I know, love. I know and I am very sorry. Can we try to talk this out and come to a solution? I hate this.” He turned to her now, resting his arm on the back of the couch. “Jana. Please. We have both made mistakes and I want to make this work.” He reached over and tentatively reached for her hand, thanking God when she didn’t pull away from him. It was progress at least. “Can you look at me, love?”

Jana sat still, looking straight ahead her bottom lip jutted out in anger still. “No more, Michael. I know what I did and I know what I need to do to earn your trust back, but you can’t punish me like that.” She turned to him now, her eyes dead serious. “You can’t do that to me. I will leave. I promise you I will leave you. It will kill me, but I love me more than that. I am so different from when we first met, and I want you to love who I am now, Michael. Can you do that? If you can’t do that, then tell me. I will understand.” She looked down now and Michael saw the tell-tale tremble of her chin, knowing she was fighting back tears again.

Michael looked at her carefully, seeing how small she was, how fragile she looked in this moment. He could see the bags under her eyes and her skin looked pale to him. She just looked tired. It occurred to him just how much shit he was putting her through. He knew now all the things she was dealing with – had been dealing with – and mostly on her own. Since the beginning he had asked her to be a part of his world, to accommodate him and be okay with his lifestyle. He didn’t have half the problems she had with her family, nor did he have any of the physical or sexual abuse that she had dealt with. He was still upset about that kiss, but now he knew that’s all it was. If he were to be completely honest, had he held up his end of the bargain and been present it may never have occurred in the first place. He still didn’t justify it but he could explain it. Jana wasn’t the only one that had made mistakes in this relationship. He knew she was damaged and he knew she was trying to heal and was working damn hard at it. He needed to be part of the solution or he needed to leave. Simple as that. She did not need him beating her down or taking every opportunity to throw things in her face whenever he could. He had only been doing it to make himself feel better and he realized that now. If he truly loved her the way he felt he did, then he needed to show it.

“Do you think you would be better off without me Jana?” Michael asked her quietly, barely breathing as he waited for her reply. He reached up to wipe a tear off her cheek that had silently escaped. “You can tell me, Jana.”

“I don’t know, Michael,” she whispered, causing him to gasp audibly.

His heart stopped in his chest. He was not in any way expecting that reply. He was losing her. He could feel her slipping away from him and he had done this. He released her hand, turning to sit straight, his elbow on his knee as he rubbed his chin and face. He felt sick to his stomach, and he himself blinked back tears. How had things gotten so fucked up so quickly? He racked his brain, thinking of how to fix this mess. He was feeling almost frantic, looking down at his hands then around the room, his mind running crazy. He stood up, unable to take the silence anymore, and walked over to the kitchen and grabbed a beer from the fridge. He pulled the cap off with his teeth and downed the whole thing. He tossed it in the trash and reached for another, once again pulling the lid off with his teeth. He watched silently as Jana got up from the couch and headed towards the bedroom.  He made up his mind. She hadn't said no, and she hadn't said leave - she said she didn't know, so there was still a chance. He would be damned if he would let it go down like this and he would fight til she kicked him out.  He guzzled this last beer as well, finishing it and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He set the empty bottle on the counter and walked to the bedroom.

Michael walked into the bedroom, seeing Jana lying on the bed. She was a tiny ball under the covers, her body in the fetal position. He immediately knew she was crying. He could see her shoulders shaking as she tried to remain quiet, and could hear the whimper ever so often. He sat down behind her, lying down and stretching his body out against hers. He wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into his chest as he kissed her hair.

“Jana, baby? Can you turn over and look at me please?” She made no sound, save for the sniffle that escaped. Michael sat up and crawled over her, lying down once again but facing her this time. She tried to roll over – to escape him – but he wouldn’t let her. He pulled her closer, into his chest, and sighed in relief when she buried her face against his neck. Here was where he wanted her – wrapped in his arms, close to his heart.

“Jana I love you. More than you know. I am so sorry about what I did. I don’t deserve your forgiveness but I am asking you to please give me another chance. Don’t quit now, please love.” He whispered against her hair, blinking quickly as his eyes became moist yet again.

He couldn’t imagine a world that she wasn’t in. Jana choked back another sob, wrapping her arms around his waist and snuggling in. He felt her warm tears on his neck and chest as he hugged her tighter to him. He stroked his hands up and down her back, to her hair, and then down her back again. Eventually they both fell into a exhausted sleep once again, wrapped tight around each other this time.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> VERY NSFW - STAND BACK. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED AND SHOULD PROCEED WITH CAUTION.... ;-)

The light was just beginning to break outside, the windows beginning to turn to a light blue as the sun came up.  Jana woke, breathing in Michael’s scent as she nuzzled his neck. She inhaled deeply, not having been this close to him in some time due to his burn.  H smelled of beer, and body wash, and that deep intoxicating scent that was Michael. Her face felt swollen and her throat was aching from all of the crying she had been doing, but she still rubbed her nose and cheek against his neck, feeling the stubble there. He moved slightly in his sleep, and Jana stilled, not wanting to wake him.

Jana leaned back as much as she could without waking Michael, taking a good long look at him. She still couldn’t get over how handsome this man was, especially in sleep. In sleep all the worries were gone - all the insecurities, doubts, and fear – they were all gone. His brow was smoothed and his eyes relaxed. His mouth was slightly parted, the sound of his soft snoring breaking the silence in the room. Jana smiled as she reached up and smoothed an errant lock of hair back off his forehead. His hair was a bit longer than usual, beautiful and curly and unruly, giving him a boyish look that she adored. Unable to resist herself, she brought the tip of her fingertip up, lightly tracing it along his jawline, feeling the delicious stubble there. As mad as she was at him – and she was still pissed off – she couldn’t deny the attraction she felt for him even now. She moved her fingers back down to his chest, absentmindedly rubbing her fingertips through the sparse hair on his sternum as her mind wandered.

Why did they have so many problems? Jana thought to herself, her mind turning back to last night and the previous days. Why couldn’t they get their shit straight? It seemed like there was always something happening with them – was this a sign that this relationship was doomed? Once again those doubts crept in - the doubts about her being able to handle a relationship with someone like Michael. Granted he was not the stereotypical actor – if there was one – that she thought he would be. He wasn’t arrogant or demanding or rude or helpless; none of the things she thought an actor would be like. He cleaned dishes and picked up dog poop and had morning breath. He was a normal guy when they were together. It was the being apart that was killing them, there was driving the insecurity and doubt. It was that absence that left a spot for Liam to squeeze in, and Jana knew this. If she were to be honest with herself she worried that it could happen again with someone else, or that Michael would find someone else. There was too much doubt, always too much and the only time both felt at ease was when they were together. Right now, with both their careers, there was no way to make that a permanent solution. She frowned, feeling helpless and sad once again as she stared at a freckle on his chest. He still had bits of peeling skin here and there, and she flicked a piece off with her fingernail. Seeing him stir, she glanced up, her breath catching as she saw Michael’s sleepy blue eyes staring back at her.

“Morning, love,” he whispered, his lips curling a bit at the corners in a hesitant smile.

“Morning,” Jana whispered back. She started to remove her hand from his chest, but Michael grabbed it first, holding it to him.

“Don’t. Don’t pull away from me, love. Let’s fix this right now. Please?”

“Michael, I-”

“Please, Jana. No buts, no ifs, please let’s talk. Let’s start over, can we do that? I know I was a complete jackass, I get it, I really do. I am sorry and I know you won’t accept that from me. So see, we are learning boundaries with each other, right? I don’t want you kissing some asshole – ever – and you don’t want me having a pissing contest with the same asshole.”

His attempt at humor did not go over well with Jana, her mouth flattening in a hard line as she stared back at him.

“Okay so maybe that wasn’t the best example. Look Jana, I forgive you for that shit. I do. For me it’s over. I understand why it happened and I want to move forward. The thing with this Liam guy was for my benefit, not because I don’t trust you now. I guess I was trying to show that you were mine, in the most fucked up way possible and I see that now. Can you forgive me? I think that these are normal problems that couples go through, right, and we can either go through them or let them break us. You have to help me though. I can’t make all the decisions. Right now I feel like you might be giving up.” He stopped now, looking down, away from her eyes for a moment before looking back up at her. “Are you? Am I wasting my breath here, Jana?” His eyes searched hers and Jana knew she saw fear in them because she felt the same way.

“I’m scared, Michael. I am scared that we spend too much time away from each other. I am afraid that I’ll do that again, or that you’ll do it to me. I am afraid that my career will interfere with yours. The only time we are happy is when we are together – like this. What if it just doesn’t work, Michael? Is this why celebrities never stay married? I mean, is it even possible for this to work?” She questioned him, searching his face for an answer that he did not have.

“I don’t know, baby, but I feel the same way. I worry about those same things. I worry that you’ll get tired of waiting for me, or that you will find someone who suits you better than me. I know that this relationship is going to take a lot of work, but I am willing to do it. One or both of us would have to relocate. I could take on fewer roles, you could work somewhere I am at. It’s possible, baby – we just have to make it happen. I am willing to make those sacrifices for you, love,” he said, cupping her cheek now and rubbing his thumb over her lower lip. “I am willing to give everything up for you, Jana. I don’t even give a bloody fuck anymore. I know that I won’t be happy doing any of that if I don’t have you.”

“Really?” she whispered against his thumb, shocked at his words.

“Really.” He said back to her, grinning at her. “You’ve managed to hook me, love, when I and everyone else thought I would be a bachelor for the rest of my life. You have no idea how fucking thrilled my mum is. I am ready to be married, have babies, and settle down and do all that domestic stuff – and I want to do it all with you. No one else, love.” He leaned forward now, kissing her lightly on the lips. Jana sighed against him, feeling like the desert when it finally gets that first drop of rain.

God how she had missed this, this feeling of Michael pressed against her, his breath and hers becoming one. Throwing all doubts aside, she ran her hand up his shoulder and into his hair, fingers tangling in his curls as she pulled him closer. Michael grinned against her lips, relieved at getting the answer he wanted. He pulled back, leaving Jana staring back at him, eyes glossy and dazed.

“I love you, Jana. With all my heart and then some, and I promise to never be an bloody gimp like that ever again.” He rubbed his nose against hers, tickling her with his scruff.

“I love you too, Michael. I promise to always communicate with you if I ever start feeling like that. I want all those things too, Michael, and I want it all with you. I want to make this work.” She murmured against his lips, trying to catch his lower lip. Fuck but she wanted him to kiss her again! He chuckled against her mouth, thwarting her efforts to capture his lips.

“You are an impatient little thing, aren’t you?”

Jana pulled back, her voice deadpan and one delicate eyebrow arched. “Well if I remember correctly, a few days ago someone who looks just like you warned me that they were going to have me begging for mercy.” She began to roll over, attempting to remove herself from his arms. “But if you’re not up to the task then I completely understand…”

Michael’s eyes darkened dangerously, all joking aside as he roughly pulled her to him, rolling them over so that he was on top. He pulled her legs apart, pushing himself up against her, his hardness pressed against her where she wanted him most. He pulled her arms up to the headboard, above her head and trapping both wrists in one large hand. He propped himself up on his free hand and stared down at her, grinding a bit against her.  Jana moaned, moving her hips to get closer to him.

“I am most certainly up for the task, love, as you can tell.” He ground against her once again, causing another moan to escape. Jana bit at her lower lip, lifting her head to try to reach him. Seeing her lip caught between her teeth, Michael growled, leaning down and taking said lip and sucking on it. Jana closed her eyes in delight. Finally! Michael moved from her lips to her jaw, his stubbled chin and cheeks blazing a path over her already raw skin. When he nipped at her ear lobe, she shivered, turning her head to give him better access. She continued grinding her hips against him, needing the friction. Michael moved from her ear, traveling down the column of her neck until he reached the collar of her t-shirt. He sat up abruptly, releasing her hands as he pulled her t-shirt up and over her head.  Jana’s breathing quickened as she saw him staring at her breasts covered only with her thin sleep bra.  She knew her straining nipples were evident through it, and watching Michael stare at them set her blood to boiling. She moved restlessly against him, urging him on.

“Michael…please…” she whispered, earning a devilish grin from him.

“Begging already, love? And we’ve only just begun…” he leaned down, taking a taut nipple in his mouth causing her to gasp out loud.

“Michael! Oh fuck!” she arched her back against his mouth, trying anything to get closer to that liquid heat that was his mouth. God his tongue, his teeth…oh fuck! He leaned up, pulling the bra cup down, and her taut nipple popped out over the top. He flicked it with just the tip of his tongue earning another moan from Jana. Holding her by her hip, flush against him, he leaned down and took her aching nipple in his mouth, sucking on it ever so softly before taking it between his teeth and raking them across it.  Jana thought she was going to explode. She could feel herself, the wetness between her legs soaking through her panties. She raked her free hands along his shoulders, up to his hair, and then back down his shoulders again. She wanted him to just take her right now – fuck all this slow shit!

Michael’s lips were still wrapped around her nipple as he reached underneath her and undid her bra, bringing it around and pulling it off her. As she lay bare before him she felt a moment of shyness, instinctively reaching up to cover herself. Michael shook his head at her, grabbing her arms and once again pinning them above her head.

“Don’t ever hide from me, love,” he murmured against her breasts, nuzzling the area between them. He dropped soft kisses along the edge of her breasts, moving around slowly but never touching her nipples. She was positively aching, needing his mouth on her. He traveled down between her breasts to her navel, dipping his tongue in and back out, swirling it around the tiny indention. His hands kneaded her breasts as his tongue traced a path along the top of her shorts, from one hipbone to the other. He hooked his fingers in the sides of her shorts and panties, pulling them both down her thighs.

“You don’t need these love,” he said as he pulled them off her feet, tossing them somewhere on the floor. He sat back on his heels, admiring the view of Jana sprawled out in front of him, lips raw from kissing, breasts chaffed from his beard, nipples aching, yearning for his touch.  Jana blanched under his appraisal, feeling insecure once again. She averted her eyes and felt the flush come over her skin.

“Don’t look away, Jana. You are stunning, absolutely gorgeous. Every inch of your body is driving me wild. Look at me love. I want you to watch me make you come.” He touched a fingertip to her nipple, causing her to gasp and look back at him. “Good girl. Keep your eyes on me, love. Don’t look away.”

Michael pushed her thighs apart further, feeling some resistance. “Relax, baby. Relax.” He murmured, his eyes on hers as he continued pushing her thighs apart. When she was fully open to him, he trailed his index finger around her moist center, not touching her where she wanted to be touched. Michael shook his head in wonder, meeting her eyes once again.

“You are so damn beautiful and so sexy and so fucking wet, Jana. I feel like I am going to explode in my pants. Damn, woman.” He continued on, trailing a finger up and down her slit, rubbing her wetness all over and around.  Jana arched into his touch, wanting him inside her, but he would move his finger just out of reach, damn him!

“Michael please,” she mumbled. He body was humming with desire, needing him now. “Please!”

“Patience, love..” he grinned at her, shaking his head as he continued rubbing her up and down. He briefly skirted over her clit, the little bud already swollen and erect.  Jana yelped, the intensity almost too much.  Michael scooted back and leaned down and she felt his breath there, against her moist center. She was going to fucking die. He put his hands on her inner thighs, spreading her even further as he delicately licked her from top to bottom, one swipe that almost sent her off the bed. She clenched her eyes, concentrating on Michael’s tongue at her center. He took her clit in between his lips, nipping at it with his teeth. She felt herself clench, the pressure building inside.

“Oh God, Michael! Fuck! Please!” she panted, desperately trying to move against his mouth but he held her down, hands continuing to spread her wide.

“Look at me, love. Watch me,” he murmured huskily and Jana looked down at him, his hair a mess as he lay between her legs. “Watch me, right?” Jana nodded, unable to say anything else.

Michael slipped a finger inside her, licking at her clit as he did so.  Jana arched up off the bed again, feeling herself come around his finger. She couldn’t take anymore, it was too much. Her orgasm ripped through her, her body so tightly wound that she felt like she was ripping in two.  Michael slipped another finger inside as she was convulsing, heightening her pleasure and she screamed his name, unable to control herself.  Michael continued pumping her, his long fingers moving in and out til she slowed and finally stopped moving. She was panting, desperately gasping for air. Michael slid his fingers out of her, sticking them in his mouth and sucking on them loudly as he crawled up her body.  He settled once again between her limp thighs.  He still had his boxers on, the fabric rubbing against her sensitive skin.

“You taste fucking fantastic, Jana. I could stay between your legs all day if you’d let me,” he whispered against her lips, kissing her softly. As he slid his tongue in her mouth she could taste herself on his lips and it sent a surge of heat back down to her core, her body tingling once again.  She could feel the ache getting stronger between her legs as Michael’s hard chest rubbed against her sensitive nipples, the hair on his abdomen rubbing against her smoothness.  Summoning what strength she had left, she brought her hands up to his head, running her fingernails through his hair as he kissed her.  She moved her hips against his cock, knowing she was soaking him.

“Is that what you want now, love?” Michael whispered against her lips, his hands roaming over her hips and down to her ass, pulling her to him. Jana nodded, unable to speak. “Tell me what you want, love.” He moved against her, pushing himself into her warm center, feeling her wetness soaking through his boxers. “Tell me…”

“I want you, Michael,” Jana croaked out, her voice failing her.

“What do you want, love? What do you want me to do to you?”

“Oh fuck Michael! I want you inside me! Please!” she moved against him, frustrated once again. His hand moved up, palming her breast as he ground himself against her still.

“Tell me that you want my cock inside your tight, wet pussy. Say it, Jana.” He ordered her, his voice thick with desire.

“I do, Michael! Oh God please I do!” She whimpered, frantically moving against him. She pushed at his boxers with her feet, trying to get him to remove the offending piece of clothing.

“Say it.” He ordered again, reaching down between them and rubbing his entire hand up her wetness, his fingers trailing along her center. When he removed his hand, Jana whimpered, desperately grabbing at has hand, at his arm, to bring it back but it was to no avail. He moved his hand back up to his mouth, sucking on his fingers once again. Once they were fully wet he reached down and rolled her nipple between his fingers, causing Jana to cry out.

“Tell me and I’ll do it, love. Say it.” He rolled her nipple once again, pulling the peak even tighter. She strained against his palm, arching into his touch. “Say it, Jana.”

Jana couldn’t take anymore. She felt like there was an empty hole inside her, the ache was too much. It was consuming her.

“I want your dick inside my pussy, Michael. I want you to fuck my brains out.” She leaned up, taking his earlobe in between her teeth and whispered in his ear, “I am begging you to fuck me, Michael. Please.” She licked along the edge of his ear, earning a groan from him.

He quickly sat up, slipping out of his boxers. He spread her wide and plunged into her. Not giving her any time to adjust, he pulled out and slammed into her again. ‘Oh fuck, Michael!” He slammed into her again, reaching down and pulling her legs up against his sides.  She wrapped them around his waist, clutching at his back as he rammed into her. She could feel his pubic hair rubbing at her sensitive clit, driving her insane with need once again.

“Oh shit... Jana..fuck..” he panted against her neck, the sounds of sex, and wetness, and skin slapping against each other. 

Jana felt herself coming undone again, felt herself start clenching around him. Her eyes rolled back and the world fell away as she came, the tremors racing through her body. She clawed at his back, urging him on as she convulsed around him. Her legs were trembling in the aftermath of her orgasm as she started coming down and Michael began moving frantically inside her, needing to reach his own release.  With a guttural growl he slammed into her once more, and she felt him jerk inside her, his cum coating her walls as he buried himself in her. Jana pulled at his back, wrapping her arms around him and holding him close as he gradually slowed his movements. He had his face buried in her neck, breathing hard and shaking. She rubbed her cheek against his sweaty forehead and kissed it, smiling happily.

“I love you, Michael,” she whispered against his forehead, smiling still.

“And I love you, Jana,” he whispered back against her neck,  still trying to catch his breath. He leaned up and propped himself up on his forearms and looked down at her. “Always, baby. We will always make it work, right?” His eyes searched hers for reassurance.

“Yes, Michael. Always.” He grinned down at her now, the smile with all the teeth and crinkles around the eyes that she loved so much. She smiled back, falling in love with this man all over again, knowing now that together they would find a way to make it work. No matter what.


	31. Chapter 31

When they could no longer stand the sunlight coming through the windows and both their stomachs were growling, Jana and Michael untangled themselves from each other. Making love countless times had a way of working up an appetite.  Michael headed to the shower, stopping in the bathroom doorway to call to Jana.

“You gonna join me, then?” He grinned at her, standing there completely naked.

Jana swallowed hard, nodding her head in agreement.

“Absolutely. Let me take my meds first and I’ll be right back.”

“Right, love. I’ll be waiting so hurry,” he said and turned and walked inside the bathroom.  Jana headed out to the kitchen, reaching for her Wellbutrin. It was the one med that had finally started helping her, the one with the least side effects. She took the last pill out of the bottle, and set it on the counter. She retrieved her cell phone, intending to call in the refill. She did not want to miss days as that gave her headaches. She waited a few moments on the line before the pharmacy tech picked up.

“Hello. Thank you for calling CVS pharmacy. How can I help you?”

“Yes I need to place a refill.”

“Yes ma’am. Have you placed a prescription here before?” the tech asked, and Jana could hear typing on the computer.

“Oh yes. Last name Sears.”

“Ok ma’am. First name?”

"Jana.” More typing.

“Date of birth?”

Jana gave the technician her date of birth, once again realizing that she was getting old. 36 years old. Fuck.

“Okay give me one moment to bring up your file.” More typing as Jana waited by the sink. She really wanted to join Michael in the shower. She should have waited to do this later…

“Ok I’ve found you. Which are you refilling? Looks like we’ve got you in the system for... Wellbutrin, Klonopin, and Yasmin. Does that sound right? Oh wait, hold on one moment, ma’am.” More typing and papers rustling. “Ma’am?”

“Yes?” Jana said absentmindedly, rubbing Gunner’s head as he leaned up against her.

“Just want you to be aware that you haven’t refilled your Yasmin since the first time we filled it. You should have run out back in July if you used it correctly, and you would have refilled that month. Does that sound correct?”

Jana almost dropped the phone, feeling sick to her stomach.

“What…what did you say?” she whispered into the phone, her heart beating erratically in her chest.

“Your birth control. You haven’t filled it since…let me see…since May? That was the last pack you picked up. Did you want to refill that now?”

“Yes,” she stammered out, that sinking feeling in her stomach getting worse by the second.  She felt like she was going to hyperventilate.

“Ma’am? Would you like me to place the refill on prescriptions?”

“Um..yes..please go ahead and refill them all.” She was not going to entertain that thought in her mind. Absolutely not.

“Okay we can refill the Wellbutrin and the Klonopin but for the birth control we will have to have another prescription on hand from your doctor. It was written for the first 3 months only, and since you haven’t picked up since then, we will need another order from your doctor. They will want to perform a pregnancy test to make sure you aren't pregnant I would assume. Have you been sexually active since your pills ran out, Ms. Sears?”

Pregnant? Oh shit.  Jana started breathing heavy, the room began to spin and she shook her head to clear it.

“Ma’am?” The technician’s voice called her back to reality.

“I’ve…I..I’ve had sex…I’ve had unprotected sex since then.” Jana choked out.  She hadn’t even started the fucking pills either.

“Okay well we’ll need to get your doctor’s okay before we can fill that as you are picking up outside your scheduled time. We need to make sure you aren’t pregnant. So that one will have to wait till you get your physician to call it in. Or fax it. Either way. You will also want to make your doctor aware if they aren't already that you are taking Wellbutrin and Klonipin in case you are pregnant. They will want to discuss risks with you about the medications.”

“Okay.” Jana was freaking out, her mind running away with her. Pregnant??

“Okay ma’am. The refill for the Wellbutrin and Klonopin has been placed and you can come by after 5 today? Does that work?”

“Yes. Thank…thank you.” She mumbled, ending the phone call hastily, dropping her cell on the counter as she frantically tried to remember where those fucking pills were.  She reached up on top of the fridge, pulling down the little wicker basket containing the medications she was currently on and old ones she wasn’t. There it was. There was the fucking pack of birth control pills that she had forgotten! Fuck! She slid it open, seeing not one pill had been touched.  She closed her eyes and shook her head, her legs trembling. Should she take them now? Should she take a couple of them? She felt sick to her stomach. What if she was pregnant and she took the pills – would it kill a baby? Would it prevent pregnancy if she took a bunch right now? Fuck!! Fuck fuck fuck! How had she gotten so careless??? Michael was going to kill her.

She had decided to switch from the depo shot back in April when she started back on the antidepressant. The shot was causing too many side effects, and the doctor said it was probably the estrogen in it. That shot combined with the Wellbutrin was not working for her, giving her massive cramps and horrible migraines. Michael had been gone then for a good while, with her not seeing him since a few weeks ago and taking the birth control pill daily had completely slipped her mind. There was no need if she wasn’t having sex, right? Right?? So she had never started the fucking pills in the first place. How could she be so stupid?

She put the basket on the counter, gripping the edge and looking down at the ground as the world started spinning. She sucked in a deep breath, trying to calm herself. How many times had they made love since he had been back? She shook her head, trying to clear the fog and remember. She knew it was enough to get pregnant. Oh fuck…when was her period due? When could you get pregnant? Oh shit.

“Oh fuck..” she mumbled, not hearing Michael come up behind her and grip her around the waist, pulling her back against him.

“You alright, love? I waited as long as I could. What took you so long?” When she didn’t immediately answer, he began to worry. “Jana, baby, what’s wrong?”

She took a deep breath, bracing herself for all hell to break loose. They had talked about kids – _talked about them_ – but she was sure neither one was ready now. She most definitely was not. Michael stepped back, releasing her and coming around to look at her face.

“Babe…tell me what’s wrong.” He looked at her, his brow furrowed in concern.

“I did something so stupid, Michael.  So incredibly fucking stupid and you’re going to hate me…and I hate myself…and it might be nothing, but it could be something and…oh fuck Michael!” She was hyperventilating, she could feel the air being squeezed from her lungs.  Michael gripped her arm, steadying her as her knees threatened to buckle.

“Jana tell me right now what’s wrong. You’re scaring me, love. Calm down and breathe and tell me.”

“I forgot to take my birth control pills, Michael,” she whispered, unable to meet his eyes. He let go of her arm, taking a step back.

“Pills? I thought you were on that shot thing? What do you mean pills?” his voice was quiet, wary and Jana could hear fear there. She looked up at him, seeing his eyes wide with fear just as she’d suspected.

“I was. Then I started back on the antidepressant and the side effects were too much, so we decided to switch to something with less hormones. You weren’t here, Michael, and we were arguing all the time and I was stressed with school and the dogs and everything and I just forgot.” She shook her head, still in shock. “I just forgot Michael. I didn’t do it on purpose. I swear I didn’t do it on purpose, Michael. You have to believe me. I am not ready for a baby, Michael.” Her chin began trembling, her eyes welling with tears. Michael sighed and moved closer to her, pulling her in his arms. He rubbed her back as she cried into his chest.

“Well we don’t know if anything…happened…yet, right? I mean it’s possible that it’s no big deal, right, love?” He whispered against her hair. He was scared shitless right now. He’d had scares like this before, but those women were not Jana. Those women handled these things, made sure there was no accidental baby. They were not Jana. If she were pregnant, what would they do?  He knew he could never ask her to terminate a baby that was his. The timing was completely fucked up, but he knew he could never do that to a child he might have conceived with her.

“I don’t know, Michael,” she mumbled against his chest. “I can’t take the pills til I am sure. I am supposed to get my period sometime next week. If it doesn’t come then I need to take a pregnancy test.” She wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggling in deeper. “I’m scared, Michael. This is going to ruin everything…”

“Well let’s worry about that when the time comes, right?” he tried to convince her when he himself was about to piss his pants. A baby? Now?? “Let’s go sit on the couch. I think we both need to go sit down and take a moment.” He released her, bending over and placing his hands on his knees. “I think I am going to pass out…I need to sit down.” Seeing him doubled over, Jana composed herself momentarily and moved to his side quickly, grabbing his arm.

“Let’s go sit like you said, Michael. Come on.” Getting him back upright, they walked to the couch and plopped down, both lost in their own thoughts. Michael leaned forward, elbows on knees and head in his hands.

“Do you feel like you’re going to pass out, because I fucking do.” He mumbled, scratching at his scalp with his fingertips, his movements panicky and agitated. His legs were shaking, nervous energy coursing through his body.

“Well you’re on the couch now, so at least it won’t hurt if you do,” Jana mumbled back, trying to steady her racing heartbeat.  She kept telling herself over and over that it was no big deal, the test would be negative and they would resume things like normal. No big deal. Abruptly Michael stood up and walked into the kitchen, grabbing his keys and his hat and sunglasses. He shoved his cell phone in his pocket, and headed for the door. Jana started to panic. How could he leave at a time like this? Was he leaving her??

“Michael? What..what are you doing? Are you leaving?” She jumped off the couch, running after him. She frantically grabbed his arm as he grabbed the door knob.  He stared at the door, hand still on the knob and his jaw tight. He didn’t look at her when he finally spoke.

“Jana, I love you. I am not leaving you, so please don’t think that.  Whatever happens we’ll go through it together. I just need to go for a drive. I am freaking the fuck out and I need to go clear my head. I will be back.” He turned to look at her now, his eyes still wide with fear and anxiety. “Please let me have a little while to wrap my mind around this. Please, baby.”

Jana dropped his arm, nodding silently, blinking rapidly as she tried to keep her tears at bay. She had to trust that he wasn’t deserting her, that he would be back. He would be back.

“Okay. Okay Michael. I’ll wait here then.” She stepped back, wrapping her arms around her waist, her body shivering.

“I love you, baby. I just need a minute, okay?” Michael said again, reassuring her as best he could at the moment. He just needed to get out of this fucking house for just a minute.


	32. Chapter 32

Michael pulled the truck into the spot at a local park, grabbing his tacos and water and heading to a bench to sit and eat. He sat down, spreading the food from Taco Bell out on the table, staring at the ducks as they swam in the pond nearby. He’d probably be giving them the majority of this shitty food. He was hungry as fuck, and Taco Bell had the shortest line. His stomach was still doing backflips, though, so he knew he wouldn’t be able to eat much. He unwrapped a taco, taking a bite as he stared out around the park.

His mind was going crazy. He didn’t want to leave Jana like that but he felt like he was going to hyperventilate if he didn’t leave the house. It felt claustrophobic all of a sudden and he needed to escape. She could be pregnant. She could be pregnant and it would be his child. He swallowed hard, nearly choking on the taco as those thoughts ran through his head. Yes, they had talked about having babies and he was thrilled at the time thinking about it. _At the time_ \- just not at _this_ time. Right now he was panicking and fucking stressed out. He and Jana had so many problems already – what the fuck would a baby do for them but tear them apart most likely?

That was his main fear – that he would lose Jana over this. She would bear the brunt of this – she would carry their child and she would give birth and she would do most of the rearing. He knew this. He could most likely get on with the idea of having a baby now as it wouldn’t slow him down that much.  Jana, however, it would most definitely affect her. She had a little more than a year and a half before she would be considered a PhD candidate. How would she manage with being pregnant and having a baby?  Surely they could hire nannies and such, but Michael knew he would never allow his child to be raised by someone other than he and Jana. So in that regards the weight would be on Jana and he had no idea where she stood with all of this.

He took another bite of his taco, trying to choke it down. He picked up his cell phone, staring at it. He wanted to call his mother but knew that she absolutely did not need the idea of a grandchild in her head at the moment. He would never hear the fucking end of it. No, better he wait on that til they knew something. 

No calls from Jana either. He wondered what she was doing right now. Was she crying?  Was she happy deep inside that she could be possibly carrying his child?  Was she pissed and thinking of getting an abortion as soon as possible?

“Fuck, man!” he cursed out loud to himself, knowing he should be at home with her rather than sitting here eating tacos in the fucking park. They didn’t even know if she was pregnant yet, and he was already worried about abortions and nannies! Fuck! He tossed the rest of the tacos out to the ducks, knowing he couldn’t eat anymore. He picked up the water, drinking it all down as he tried to settle his stomach. He needed a six pack of Guinness. That’s what he needed right now, that and maybe some Jack. Something to settle his nerves.

He picked up his trash and threw it in the garbage can nearby before grabbing his cell and the keys, heading back to the truck. He would go get some beers – because he definitely needed them – and then he would go home to Jana and they would solve this together.

* * *

 

Michael arrived back home a short while later, opening the door with a Specs bag in  one hand and a CVS bag in the other.  He didn’t see Jana immediately and wondered where she might be. He went to the kitchen, putting the beers in the fridge and dropping off his keys and shades before going to find her.  She wasn’t in the bedroom or the bathroom.  He walked to the back door, pulling it open and peeking outside. The dogs were all inside and she wasn’t out there. Where the fuck was she?

He shut the door and began walking back through the house, opening doors to the garage, to closets, and to all the bathrooms and the garage. He finally found her in the empty guest room, sitting on the bay window seat, knees drawn up to her chest. She looked up as he walked in and he could tell she had been crying. He walked over to her, sitting in front of her.  She looked back out the window, staring out at the pool.

“You know when we were talking about kids a while back, I thought this would be the perfect room for a baby. This window is perfect for him to see out of, it’s large and open and sunny. There were more than a few moments when I thought of how I would decorate this room. Dallas Cowboy blue and silver for a boy, or even green and yellow for Baylor,” she smiled wistfully now. “If it was a girl I wanted it to be light and pink and sweet. Or pink Dallas Cowboy stuff. Or whatever you wanted of course,” she looked at him now, shrugging before looking back out the window.

“And now? What’s going on now, baby?” he leaned forward, pushing her hair off her face and tucking it back behind her ear.

“Now? I am thinking how me having a baby would be the worst thing in the world,” she said flatly.  Michael stiffened, sitting back against the window frame and regarded her carefully.

“You really feel that way?” he asked her, his voice soft.

“Of course I do. Look at me, Michael. You heard what kind of childhood I had.  All the stuff I have been through. Taking pills, trying to kill myself, kissing random guys, being divorced. I would never be a good parent. I don’t even know what that looks like.” She shook her head and laughed, a bitter sound that broke his heart.

She was talking about her ability as a parent, and how she thought she would be terrible at it - not that having a child with him would be a bad idea. He internally relaxed a bit, knowing this wasn’t about them per say – it was about Jana and her lack of confidence as a potential parent. It still made him incredibly sad that she felt this way about herself, after all she had been through and all the hard work she had done and was doing.

“I think you would be a fantastic mother, love. Any child would be lucky to have you as their mum.” Jana sniffled, wiping at her nose with the back of her hand.

“I do, Jana. Look at all the damn dogs you’ve rescued. You treat them like babies well enough. I’ve never seen anyone treat animals the way you do.  I think you’re insane half the time, but it shows how gentle your heart is, baby.” He scooted closer, running his hand up her shoulder and into her hair, stroking her ear.

“There’s no one else that I would want to have a baby with – planned or not, Jana.” She looked up at him, her eyes wet with her tears.

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” he nodded at her, a gentle smile on his face.

“But what if-” she started, only to be interrupted by his finger on her lips.

“It won’t happen, you won’t be, and no to whatever else is going to come out of your beautiful lips, love. Our child will want for nothing and you will be a fantastic mother,” he moved his hand down to her jaw, bringing his other up and cupping her face. He rubbed his thumbs over her cheeks, wiping the tears that had fallen.

“People can change, Jana, and they do. You have. You aren’t your past. I know you and I love you and I know that you are more than capable of being a good parent.” He leaned forward, planting a kiss on her lips, tasting the salty tears there. He leaned back, looking at her and winking as his sharky grin appeared.

“Besides…I’ll be with you and what the hell could possibly go wrong with me as a father?”

Jana giggled, feeling some of the stress and anxiety leaving. She was still worried about her abilities as a parent, and this little “oops” moment had brought that to the surface, whether she was pregnant or not.

“I love you, Michael and I am sorry about all of this.”

Michael shook his head at her, his grin fading into a soft smile. “Don’t say you’re sorry again, love. I don’t blame you one bit. Shit happens. We’ll figure it out. Whatever happens we’ll do it together, right?”

She nodded in agreement, looking around the empty room. “What do we do now?” she asked him, swinging her legs off the window seat.

“Well I did stop at the pharmacy on the way home…” he smiled at her suggestively, waggling his eyebrows.

“I don’t follow?” She looked at him quizzically, confused by his statement.

“Rubbers, love. I bought a pack. So if you’re not pregnant already we can ensure that you don’t become that way til we decide we want to. I’m a genius, I know.”  Jana gaped at him, opening and closing her mouth before she started laughing.

“Just when I thought I had you figured out, that you couldn’t be more perverted, you go and do something like this. You have sex on your brain 24 hours a day, don’t you? ” she shook her head at him as she stood up and began walking away. He pulled her back by her hand, forcing her to straddle him on the seat. He wrapped his arms around her waist, linking them behind her back and pulling her in close. She brought her hands up and around his head, tangling her fingers in his hair.

“Only when I am with you, woman. Only when I am with you,” he whispered against her lips. “I love you, Jana. You are my world – never forget that.”

Jana blinked back tears, feeling once again that she did not deserve such a man. Would she ever feel worthy of him?

“No you don’t. Don’t start that,” Michael said, seeing her eyes glistening.  He stood up, wrapping her legs around his waist and started walking. “Let’s go try out those rubbers, love. I got the variety pack.” He grinned at her, pinching her ass, causing her to squirm in his arms.

“Oh my God are you crazy, Michael!” She giggled against his hair, tightening her legs around him as they continued walking.

“Yeah but you love me anyways…”

“I sure do..” she said against his cheek, kissing him lightly above his temple as he carried her to the bedroom. She hugged him tight, knowing there was nowhere else she would rather be than in this man's arms for as long as he would hold her.  He deposited her on the bed, kissing her once, hard,  before disappearing into the kitchen. He came back a few moments later, holding up a box of Trojan condoms.

"So what would you like first, love?" he held the box up, reading off the contents. "We've got twisted, fire & ice, sensations, or intense." He looked back at her, grinning and hopeful. He was like a kid with a toy...

"You are something else, Mr. Fassbender. You really are," she shook her head at him and giggled.

"It's all your fault, future Mrs. Fassbender.  Blame your sexy ass." He opened the box, pulling out a small packet and holding it up. "Looks like it's twisted, love." He pulled his shirt off and crawled over her, nestling himself between her thighs. He nuzzled her nose with his, finally capturing her lips with his.

"Wanna get twisted with me, baby?" he murmured against her lips, his hands roaming over her body, sliding under her t-shirt and palming her breasts.

Jana nodded, unable to form coherent words at the moment as Michael's hands and lips took over. She surrendered herself to him, forgetting about all the earlier fears. They would all be there later, and she and Michael would worry about them then. Right now the only thing that mattered was Michael and the things he was doing to her. All that other stuff could wait.


	33. Chapter 33

3 weeks later…

Jana sat on the floor of the bathroom, her legs crossed,  staring at the two little blue lines that showed up on the test to her left. The digital test on her right said “pregnant.”

Plain as day.

She hadn’t gotten her period the week she was supposed to but she had waited until today to check, driving herself insane with worry.  For whatever reason, she could not take a test before, could not summon the courage to go buy the tests until today.  How she had managed to make it through her clinic time and classwork the past week, she would never know. She was hoping against hope that they would be wrong, but 8 tests later – and all positive – she knew she couldn’t deny the obvious. She sat back against the wall, leaning her head against the cabinet.

She cradled her phone in her hand, wondering if she should try to call Michael right now. Quite frankly she didn’t think she was up to it, at least not at the moment. She just knew this was going to ruin everything.  He was going to freak out, her career was going to be ruined, and they would break up. If she decided to keep this baby how much of it would be on her solely? How would she ever manage it all?  How would she finish her program? _COULD_ she finish her program? She had come so far and to throw it all away seemed impossible for her to imagine. She rubbed her still flat tummy, wondering about the small being that had slowly been forming inside her. It was Michael’s baby – hers and his -  a child they had made together. How would she ever be able to…. Could she ever go through with...

She grimaced, shaking her head just thinking about an abortion. She was all for women’s rights, and did not look down on those who chose that route, but she knew she could never abort a child – especially not one she had conceived with Michael.  Knowing she had a part of him growing inside her caused a small smile to form on her face, and once again she pictured what their child may look like.  Brown hair and brown eyes?  Blue eyes and red hair?  Boy?  Girl?  Twins??? Oh fuck! Two kids at one time? What if it was triplets??

Jana shook her head again, knowing she needed to chill out before she drove herself insane.  She could feel herself starting to hyperventilate. 

"Just breathe, Sears...just breathe..." she mumbled to herself, pinching the bridge of her nose between her fingers as she tried to calm herself down. She needed to call someone..

Andy! She could call Andy, and  Andy would calm her down! Jana immediately began to settle, knowing that she could call her friend at least.

She needed to make a doctor’s appointment to get checked out and to make absolutely sure that all these tests weren’t a fluke. After it was for sure, she would talk to Michael. Lucky for her – or not maybe? – he was out of the country, back in New Zealand, and their contact had been sporadic. She knew he was waiting on her to let him know whether she was pregnant or not, but she didn’t want to say anything until the doctor could confirm it. She scooped up all the tests and stood up, placing them all on the counter. She felt a moment of dizziness as she stood, and knew that she needed to eat something. She hadn’t had an appetite for the past few weeks, especially after her period never came.

She knew she needed to eat now, regardless of how she felt.  Leaving the tests on the counter, she grabbed her cell phone and headed out to the kitchen, hoping to find something bland enough to choke down while she dialed Andy's number.


	34. Chapter 34

Andy picked up the cell phone on the third ring.

"Hey girl! I miss you so much! How are you?" Andy practically screamed into the phone. 

Jana held the phone back from her ear, a huge grin on her face at hearing her friend's voice. Andy had been gone overseas for a small rotation for the past 9 months, and Jana had barely spoken with her. She missed her crazy friend dearly.

"I miss you too, crazy. How are you? How long have you been back?" Jana asked, munching on a saltine cracker.

"Are you eating something? I can hear you crunching over the phone..." Andy said and Jana giggled.

"Yes. A cracker. Anyways, how long have you been back?"

"A few weeks. I got your text a while back, but I have been crazy busy getting my place set up....amongst other things...." Andy trailed off in a suggestive voice. Jana put her cracker down.

"What does that mean "amongst other things?"

"That means I have met someone," Andy giggled into the phone. Andy did not giggle like that.

"What? GET OUT! Tell me everything!" Jana squealed into the phone, earning another giggle from Andy. "And what the hell is the giggle? You don't giggle like that??"

"Well he makes me giggle, Jana. Oh my God he is so perfect. You have no idea.."  Andy said, the dreamy tone in her voice not going unnoticed.

"Yeah, I do have somewhat of an idea," Jana said, her thoughts turning to Michael. "So tell me about this guy! Why didn't you tell me before?"

Andy proceeded to tell Jana all about this guy she had met while on rotation in the Czech Republic. His name was Hynek and he was blonde and blue eyes and absolutely perfect according to Andy. He was the equivalent of a US Army major in the Czech republic and he was Andy's supervisor while down range. Things happened, sparks flew, and the rest was history...

"And he's coming here to visit next month and I want you to meet him, Jana," Andy said to her, her voice hopeful.

"Of course I have to meet Mr. Perfect! Besides, I need to know that he is good enough for my friend," Jana replied, her voice soft with love for her friend.

"He is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love him, Jana, and you know I don't say that. Ever. I have never felt this before and it scares the shit out of me," Andy finished, her voice almost cracking. Jana was shocked - she had never seen her friend behave this way. Ever.

"Andy? Are you crying?"

Andy sniffled on the other line, giving her feelings away.

"Yes. I just love him and I am scared and I want it to work out and oh my gosh he asked me to marry him, Jana! And I said yes! And I am scared shitless!" Andy rushed out and Jana's jaw dropped.

"Marry him? Are you fucking kidding me? Why didn't you say that earlier?" Jana screamed into the phone.

"Because I thought you would think I was crazy!" Andy yelled back before lowering her voice. "Do you think I am crazy? I mean really? Like I haven't known him forever, but it just feels right, Jana. I really see myself with him forever."

"Wow. I am speechless," Jana said and she really was. All these changes were occurring and they were happening fast.

"In a good way or a bad way?" Andy whispered into the phone, needing Jana's reassurance that she wasn't crazy.

"In a good way, Andy. I only want the best for you and it sounds like you are happy and in love and that's all that matters, girl."

"Really? I said yes to him, Jana. I agreed to marry him.." Andy whispered again. It was like Andy needed to get all of her secrets out as quickly and quietly as possible, Jana chuckled to herself.

"Really. Do I have an room to talk, even?" Jana laughed again, and she heard Andy laugh on the other line.

"No, you crazy bitch, you really don't actually! How are things with you and Mr. Movie Star anyways?"

"Michael is fine and we are fine. A few bumps in the road, but we are back on track for the most part," Jana hedged, chewing on her fingernail now.

"You are chewing on your nail. I can hear it in your voice. What's wrong?" Andy asked her directly, knowing her friend too well.

"We had some things happen, but it's over and we can talk about that later when you come visit," Andy said nonchalantly. She took a deep breath, continuing on, "But there is something else, the reason I called you actually." Jana's heart was beating fast, her breathing quickening as she realized she was about to tell someone her secret. No one else knew and this was it. It would be official now.

"You are getting married too??" Andy squealed into the phone, visions of double weddings dancing through her head.

"No, not that. At least not yet anyways."

"Well what then? Tell me!"  Andy demanded loudly.

"I'm pregnant." Jana blurted out, feeling her stomach drop at saying those words out loud.  Silence came from the other line, only heightening her anxiety. "Andy?? Say something!"

"Are you serious? Like really serious? Like in 9 months you're gonna have a baby?" Andy asked her, her voice incredulous.

"Yes. I took 2000 tests but I haven't gone to the doctor yet so it could be a fluke, but I think I am."

"Oh. My. God. Jana." Andy breathed out. "Are you insane?? Is it Michael's"

Jana snorted, "Of course it's his! Who else would it belong to? I didn't plan this either, just so you know!"

"Wow. I am completely shocked.  Like you have really shocked me. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know. Michael doesn't even know yet. I mean we talked about me missing my birth control and we tossed the idea around that I could be, but he doesn't know yet that I have taken all these tests and they are positive. I already made an appointment for the 10th of October,  which is like forever away.." Jana sighed, her anxiety rising again.

"So what now?" Andy asked, her voice mirroring the worry in Jana's. "Are you going to keep it? How will you do your coursework?"

"I don't know. Haven't gotten that far yet. Can you come visit me? Michael is out of the country for a while and I really don't want to be alone right now," Jana said, feeling a lump form in her throat as the tears threatened to fall. "I am already so damn emotional. Please come?" She pleaded with Andy.

"Of course. How about I come around the time you have the appointment? Do you want me to go with you? When is Michael coming back?"

"Not til the middle of October I think,  probably closer to the end of the month though I'd imagine.."

"Okay, I'll figure out when I can come and then we'll set it up, okay? Don't worry about things. It'll all work out."

Jana smiled a bit, wiping at her nose. She was relieved that at least she had Andy to look forward to in the next few weeks.

"Okay let me know. I love you, and thank you, Andy. I really appreciate you," Jana said, her voice cracking.

"Don't make me cry, bitch. We have celebrating to do! I'm gonna be an aunt and you're gonna be my maid of honor! Planning a wedding and having a baby! These are happy times, so no crying!" Jana could hear Andy crying as well and she laughed through her tears.

"Okay, call me soon?" Jana asked, not wanting to hang up.

"Of course. Love you, bitch!"

"I love you more, ass. See you soon." Jana hung up the phone, sitting in stunned silence. A wedding and a baby?

 

 

 

  
 


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I totally screwed up dates so fixing it!!!

10 October 2014

Jana leaned back against the exam table, waiting for the doctor to come in. These little paper gowns did nothing for the chill that was washing over her body at the news she’d just received. Blood test confirmed – definitely pregnant. She tried to calm her racing heart and slow her breathing, letting the reality sink in. Andy was not able to get here just yet and she hadn’t been able to reach Michael either, and quite frankly she was freaking out, having to go through all this alone. Just then the door opened and the doctor walked in, a smile on her face.

“Ms. Sears?”

“Yes,” Jana sat up, nodding at the doctor.

“Hi. I’m Dr. Barnes. How are you today?” the doctor smiled at her as she looked over Jana’s chart.

“I’m fine I guess. A little stressed out..” Jana trailed off, closing her eyes in shame.

Dr. Barnes looked at her closely and smiled gently at her. “Unplanned pregnancy?”

Jana nodded, feeling tears prick at her eyes. She lifted her chin in defiance, trying to ward off those tears.

“I understand. These things happen. Let’s check and see where you are at first and then we’ll discuss what you want to do, okay?”

Jana nodded silently, lying back once again on the exam table.

“Ok Jana, what I need you to do is put your foot in the stirrups. We’re going to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to see if we can tell how far along you are, okay? Just like a yearly exam pretty much.”

“Okay,” Jana said as she placed one foot on each of the stirrups. “Is this good?” she asked the doctor, never having done this before.

“Can you scoot your bottom down just a bit more, sweetie?”

Jana scooted down a bit more, feeling her rear end touch the very edge of the exam table. This was so fucking embarrassing. She took another deep breath, trying to relax herself.

“So do you work, Jana?” Dr. Barnes asked as she and the nurse readied the equipment.

‘No. Not yet. I am a grad student at Baylor.”

“Oh really? That’s awesome. What’s your major?” Dr. Barnes continued, fiddling with the ultrasound machine.

“I am a doctoral student in the behavioral neuroscience program. 3rd year actually…”

“Oh wow! Yes now I can understand why this pregnancy would cause some stress for you.” Dr. Barnes looked at her apologetically and Jana wanted to cry even more. Dr. Barnes patted her arm, sympathy in her eyes as she spoke again. “Is the baby’s father going to be involved?”

Jana smiled now at the only thing that might bring some relief. “Oh yes. He’s very supportive. I am not worried about that part, it’s just the school part and how I am going to finish.”

“I can imagine,” Dr. Barnes said as she moved and sat on the stool between Jana’s legs. “Okay sweetie. Let’s get this done and see where we are, okay?” Jana nodded, placing her forearm over her eyes and bracing herself for what was to come.

“Ok, Jana, I need you to relax your legs. Just let them fall out to the side, okay? You’re going to feel some pressure as I insert the wand. Let me know if anything hurts, or you need me to slow down, please.” Dr. Barnes directed.

“Ok,” Jana whispered, trying to keep her emotions at bay. It was one thing to have pregnancy test and blood tests – it was another to see something on a screen.

“Ok I am inserting the wand now, Jana.”

Jana felt pressure as the wand was inserted and it seemed pushed up to her cervix. She could feel her insides being pushed and prodded, the intrusive object poking at her. She sucked in a breath, trying to remain calm and focus on her breathing, to not allow the worry and anxiety to overwhelm her. She had stopped her medication as soon as the tests came back positive, and she knew that wasn’t the best thing to do. She had been an emotional wreck for the past few weeks, and she didn’t know if it was pregnancy or the lack of meds. Either way she was riddled with anxiety and this procedure wasn’t helping.

She felt the probe being moved around and heard the doctor speaking in a foreign tongue it seemed to the nurse. Numbers were called out. She heard typing on the computer, clicks here and there. It was a few moments before Jana was spoken to.

“Jana? Would you like to see your baby?” Dr. Barnes asked her gently, jolting Jana from her musings.

“Baby?” Jana asked hesitantly, scared and nervous.

“Well it doesn’t look like a baby yet – just the egg sag really. But it’s all in the right place and everything looks normal. Would you like to look at it?” Dr. Barnes continued.

“Ummm….okay…” Jana moved her arm and turned her head to look towards the screen. She had no idea what she was looking at. Dr. Barnes moved the wand a bit and Jana stared at the screen. Dr. Barnes pointed her finger at a tiny dot on the corner of a big, black hole on the screen.

“You see that little dot right there? That’s your baby, Jana.” She moved her finger around the black space. “This area here is your placenta. The egg sack is attached where it should be and everything looks normal.” She smiled at Jana.

Jana stared in wonder at the tiny dot. It didn’t look like a baby. Shouldn’t there be a heartbeat??

“There’s no heartbeat?” Jana asked, panic rising in her voice as she rubbed a hand protectively over her stomach.

“Oh you won’t see that just yet, sweetie. Maybe in a few more weeks, but it’s still too early just yet. You are most likely about 7-8 weeks along. By looking at this, I’d say conception occurred around the last weekend in August maybe?”

Jana nodded, unable to take her eyes off the screen. There it was. A tiny little dot inside her. Michael’s baby, growing inside her. Her lips involuntarily curled at the corners, a wobbly smile lighting up her face and she felt tears once again threatening to fall.

“It’s different when you actually see it, isn’t it?” Dr. Barnes asked her, a knowing smile on her own face. Jana nodded, wiping at her eyes with the back of her hand. Dr. Barnes patted her shoulder gently and the nurse smiled at her.

“Okay I am going to remove the wand, Jana. You’ll feel a little pressure maybe.”

Jana nodded, still staring at the screen and her little dot. The feeling of protectiveness - and dare she say love – was almost immediate. There was no way she was going to get rid of her little dot. No way. The dot disappeared as the wand was removed, and Jana frowned as she looked at the doctor.

“Oh, don’t worry sweetie, we took a few pictures for you to take home with you,” Dr. Barnes smiled again, seeing Jana’s frown. “We’re going to leave you for a moment so that you can get dressed and then I’ll come back in and discuss your options, okay?”

Jana nodded, sitting up and swinging her legs off the table. She was still unable to speak.

The doctor grabbed her file, and she and the nurse left, leaving Jana alone with her thoughts as she quickly got dressed and sat back down on the exam table. What would Michael think, knowing that she was definitely pregnant? Never having been pregnant before, Jana was unprepared for the feelings that came over her when she first laid eyes on the little dot. Whatever Michael felt about this baby, she knew she could never terminate this pregnancy. If she had to do it without Michael, then she would. She would figure out some way to make it work. She rubbed her belly once again, feeling warmth rush over her as she thought about the still-forming child nestled down deep inside her. This baby had awoken something deep inside her, something she never thought she would be capable of – maternal love. She was still shaking her head in wonder as the doctor knocked on the door.

“Jana?” Dr. Barnes hesitantly opened the door.

“I’m good,” Jana said, sitting back up on the exam table.

“Great,” Dr. Barnes said as she came to sit back on the stool once more. “So, Jana, what questions have you got? I know you said that this was an unplanned pregnancy? Are you thinking of terminating or-”

“Absolutely not,” Jana interrupted her, shaking her head vehemently, once again placing her hand over her stomach in a defensive measure.

Dr. Barnes smiled at her again. “Ok so you’re going to keep the baby. We’ll need to get you on a good prenatal vitamin and set up your appointments for the future,” the doctor said, looking down at her chart. “It says on here you were taking Wellbutrin and Klonopin?” She looked up at Jana for clarification.

“Well I was, but as soon as I took the first pregnancy test I immediately stopped. I didn’t want to hurt the baby…” Jana trailed off, unsure of herself.

“Okay ordinarily we don’t recommend quitting medications abruptly like that. Have you had any problems? Anger? Irritation? Anxiety?”

Jana nodded, “Anxiety, yes, and lots of it.”

“What about depression? Feelings of suicide, etc.?”

Jana shook her head, indicating none, "No, nothing like that. Just stress is all. And worry."

“Well Wellbutrin is considered a Class C drug, meaning the risk to the fetus cannot be ruled out. Usually we weigh the benefits against the risks. Do you feel that you need this drug, Jana? Or do you think that your depression is under control?” Dr. Barnes continued, writing things down on her file and filling out a prescription note.

“I think I will be fine. I am worried about anxiety, but some of that is normal when being pregnant right?” Jana asked the doctor, fiddling with her ring.

“Oh yes, you can definitely have more anxiety while pregnant. I would recommend therapy or exercise, or something else over medication, but that is my opinion. You are free to do what you want, Jana.” Dr. Barnes finished writing on her pad and handed the prescription to Jana. “This is a prescription for prenatal vitamins. You can get them here at our pharmacy, but any store will carry them and you can choose any brand you like. This one has a bit more of vitamins that we like our mother’s to take in, but you can again choose what you will want to take.”

Jana stared down at the prescription, her mind in a fog. The nurse came back in, holding out a small envelope for Jana.

“These are your pictures, Ms. Sears,” the nurse said, smiling as Jana shakily took the envelope from her fingers. Dr. Barnes stood up, closing up Jana’s file and shoved her pen in her pocket.

“Well, if you have no more questions that’ll be it for today, Jana. The front desk will get you set up with your first appointment. We’ll see you at various times throughout the pregnancy, but more so in the end. At around 8-10 weeks we’ll do another ultrasound to check on baby’s heartbeat and to make sure things are going well.”

“Okay can I bring my boyfriend with me to the next appointment?” Jana asked hesitantly, unsure of the correct protocol.

Dr. Barnes smiled at her once again, and nodded, “Absolutely! We love to have the daddies involved. You can bring him to all of your appointments – whatever you’d like.” She held out her hand, and Jana took it. Dr. Barnes enveloped Jana’s hand in both of hers. “Congratulations, Ms. Sears. Look forward to seeing you in a few weeks, right?”

Jana nodded, once again trying to hold tears at bay.

Dr. Barnes leaned forward and whispered conspiratorially, “It’s normal to cry, sweetie. Completely normal. Just enjoy this time – it goes so quickly.” She squeezed Jana’s hand once more before releasing it, and leaving the room.

“Ms. Sears?” the nurse called her name. “We’ll get you set up with your next appointment. If you want to follow me this way?”

Jana nodded and followed the nurse out into the hallway, setting up the next appointment for her little dot.


	36. Chapter 36

The following day found Jana sitting at the Waco Regional Airport as she waited for Andy’s arrival. She had still not heard from Michael for a few days, and she had still not told him about her appointment or the confirmation of her pregnancy. The anxiety was mounting at keeping this knowledge from him, but she didn’t want to send him a text or an email telling him the results. She wanted to talk to him – to Skype or to do it in person. Jana nervously chewed on her fingernail as she pondered whether she was making the right decision or not in waiting to tell him. Each time he had texted her he had asked if she was and each time she had said she didn’t know – even though she had already missed her period. Even after she took the tests, she didn’t tell him. She wanted to be absolutely sure that she was before saying anything. Being that she hadn’t heard from him after her doctor’s appointment, she hadn’t confirmed it. She sighed, knowing either way it was done. The last text she had received from him said he was on his way back to the states and that was 3 days ago. Where he was now, she had no idea. This was the part of their relationship that she absolutely fucking hated. Just then her cell phone buzzed and she looked down. It was Andy.

“I’m here. About to step outside.”

Jana scanned the front entrance eagerly, a huge grin lighting up her face as she saw her blonde-headed friend step out of the doors. Hopping out of her truck, she squealed as she ran to her friend. Andy squealed in return, running herself. Like they hadn’t seen each other in years, they hugged each other for dear life.

“Oh my God! You look fantastic!” Andy squealed again, leaning back to look at her friend. “You don’t even look pregnant.”

Jana laughed out loud. “I am barely pregnant, like 7 or 8 weeks crazy. The only thing getting bigger is my boobs.” Jana grimaced, staring down at her chest. “Like I fucking need them to grow..”

“Oh please! Your man will love bigger boobs,” Andy smirked at her, eying her chest. “When is he coming back anyways?” She asked as they threw all of her luggage into the back of the truck and both hopped inside.

“I have no idea,” Jana said as she buckled her seatbelt.

“Did you tell him yet?”

“Not exactly,” Jana looked at Andy out of the corner of her eye.

“What does that mean? You have told him right?”

“Well I haven’t been able to really speak to him. I mean we have texted and all, but I wanted to tell him after I went to the doctor and that was yesterday. I haven’t talked to him since Saturday and then he said he was on his way back to the states. If he meant here he didn’t say so I have no idea.”

Andy shook her head at her, her eyebrows drawn together in consternation.

“What?!” Jana asked her, beginning to get annoyed.

“You should have told him something…”

“I told him I hadn’t gotten my period. I just wanted to be sure.”

“I don’t know how you deal with that…” Andy shook her head again at her friend.

“Yeah it sucks but I love him and we make it work,” Jana said, staring at the road ahead of her. “We’re gonna have to now for sure.”

“So you’re keeping it?”

“If by “It” you mean the baby, then yes I am keeping him or her,” Jana ground out.

“Whoa. Calm down crazy pregnant lady. I am just asking questions,” Andy retorted, raising her hands in surrender. Jana looked at her friend and shrugged her shoulders apologetically.

“I am sorry. I am stressed out and I really wish he was here right now. I hate keeping this from him. I am so worried about how he’s going to react…” Jana brought her hand up to her mouth, nervously chewing on her nail again.

“And here goes the nail chewing,” Andy said, reaching over and pulling her friend’s hand down. “Do you think he’ll want to keep it - I mean the baby?”

Jana looked at Andy out of the corner of her eye and shook her head sadly.

“I have no idea what he’ll want to do, but I know I can’t give it up. Either way I am keeping the baby, even if I have to do it on my own.”

Andy nodded in agreement, picking up her cell phone and scrolling through it.

“Well, let’s go home and talk about it there. I am fucking starving! You got food there, right?” Andy asked, not looking at Jana but instead at her phone.

“I’ve got some stuff. We can stop if you want?” Jana asked, turning the truck out of the airport parking and merging into traffic. “Andy?”

Andy jerked her head up, looking at Jana shyly.

“Sorry. Hynek sent me a text,” Andy replied, looking at her phone dreamily. Jana rolled her eyes at her friend.

“I really need to meet this guy. What in the fuck has he done with my friend?” Jana teased her, watching as the blush spread across her cheeks. Andy shrugged her shoulders, giggling once again in that uncharacteristic way that was new to her.


	37. Chapter 37

Michael slowly opened the door to the house, weariness etched all over his face. 3 days on planes had nearly done him in. The damn cab ride from the airport had almost been the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was well after midnight, and wanting to surprise Jana, he hadn’t called her. He dropped his bags at the entrance, not bothering to bring them any further. All he wanted was a shower and to climb in bed with his girl. Moving slowly in the dark, he felt Gunner before he saw him, his wet nose pressing into Michael’s hand.

“What kind of fucking guard dog are you? You just let me in, you useless dog,” Michael said as he rubbed the dog’s ears. Gunner grumbled in appreciation, not ashamed at all for his lack of guard-dog skills. He followed Michael as he walked into the kitchen, his toenails clicking loudly in the quiet house.  Michael dropped his keys and shades on the counter before heading to the bedroom. He moved as quietly as he could, not wanting to disturb Jana. Walking in the bedroom, he could barely make out Jana’s body on the bed, pillows and blankets spread out everywhere. He had to kiss her before doing anything else.  Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he reached down to kiss her. Just as he was about to plant his lips on her cheek, _“Jana”_ woke up, staring back at Michael in confusion. This was not his Jana.

"What the fuck…” the person – who Michael most assuredly knew was not Jana – mumbled. Michael jumped up off the bed, confused. From the other side of the bed, he heard Jana’s voice.

“Andy? What’s wrong?” Jana sleepily muttered, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.  Michael looked over, thinking that had been a pile of pillows before.

Andy?

Michael looked down at the woman in front of him and then over to where Jana’s voice had come from. Why the fuck was another female in his bed?  With Jana?!  He reached down and turned on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room with light.

“Fuck! Seriously??” The blonde woman closest to him shielded her eyes, her voice aggravated.  Whoever the fuck she was, Michael ignored her, walking around to the other side of the bed to Jana, who was looking up at him sleepily.

“Jana? Baby?” he sat down on the edge of the bed, smiling at Jana as her eyes focused on him.

“Michael?” Jana rubbed her eyes momentarily before completely waking up. She launched herself in his arms, and he laughed into her hair as he clutched her to him. “I can’t believe you’re here! Oh my God! Andy look! Michael’s here!” Jana pulled back, looking over at her friend who was staring back in annoyance.  Michael looked at the blonde woman closely.

“Apparently.” Andy grumbled, leaning up and squinting as she looked at Michael.

“So you’re Andy, eh?” Michael held out his hand to her. “Nice to meet you. I’m Michael.”

Andy waved him off, flopping back on the bed and covering her eyes. “I gathered as much..”

“Oh my God! Why didn’t you call me? How did you get here? I would have picked you up!” Jana hugged him close again, breathing in his scent. Oh how she had missed this!! Michael kissed her temple, his arms tight around her once again.

“I missed you baby. Wanted to surprise you, love,” he said to her, kissing her once more on top of her head before leaning back to look at her. “I think I am more surprised though. You girls always sleep in the same bed?” He chuckled now at Jana’s expression.

“Oh yeah…about that…yeah we do always sleep together. I am sorry Michael. I would have told you Andy was coming to visit if I had known you were coming back.” Jana apologized.

“I’m playing, baby. I don’t mind. You can never have too many women in your bed…” he teased her, eyebrows waggling at her.  Jana punched him in the gut, earning a groan from him.

“Very funny, jerk.”

“Ahem! I am still here, listening to you both just so you know…” Andy said from the other side of the bed.  Jana giggled at her friend, releasing Michael to crawl over and hug Andy tightly.  Andy struggled in mock aggravation. “So I guess I need to find a new room, huh? Now that lover boy’s back?” She grinned slyly over at Michael as he stared back at her.

“Like I said – you can never have too many women in your bed. A blonde and a brunette? I’m game,” Michael shrugged his shoulders, ducking just as a pillow came flying at his head.

“In your dreams…” Andy said to him as Jana glared at Michael.  Andy sat up, pulling her hair up in a loose ponytail. “Where should I sleep?” she asked Jana.  Michael stood up, stretching as he walked towards the bathroom.

“I am going to take a shower, love. You girls figure out what you want to do. I don’t want to interrupt your visit, love, so if you want me to take the guest room tonight I will.” He winked at Jana before closing the bathroom door behind him.  Jana waited til she heard the water running before looking at Andy in trepidation, her eyes wide.

“You need to tell him immediately. He is not sleeping on the couch, Jana. You need to tell him like right now.” Andy said matter-of-factly, swinging her legs off the bed. She grabbed her cell phone and charger and stood up.

“Oh my god I am so nervous,” Jana said, running her hands through her wild hair. “I really didn’t think it would be like this. Oh fuck. What should I do?”

“Well first you need to tell me where I can sleep. Then you wait til he gets out of the shower and tell him he knocked you up. Then whatever happens, happens,” Andy said suggestively, grinning at Jana now.  Jana rolled her eyes at her friend, hopping off the bed herself.

“Come on. I’ll show you the guest room.” Andy followed Jana out and down the hall, turning into the guest room. After getting Andy set up with a blanket and pillows, Jana turned to her friend. “Do you need anything else?”

“No, girl, I am good.” She grinned at Jana again. “Now go in there and talk to your baby-daddy, you ho…” Andy flopped down on the bed, opening up her cell phone.

“Wow,” Jana said, glaring at her friend before walking to the door. “Goodnight, ass. See you in the morning,” Jana said as she left, closing the door behind her.

“Night, bitch!” she heard Andy call out to her as she walked back to her bedroom.  Jana shook her head, closing her bedroom door behind her. She walked over and sat on the bed, fiddling with her hair nervously. She heard the shower shut off and her anxiety started rising. She tried to calm her breathing as Michael finished, opening the door to the bathroom, wearing nothing but a towel. He peeked out cautiously, an eyebrow cocked.

“All clear?” he grinned at her.

“Yes. She’s in the guest room,” Jana retorted.

“Perfect,” Michael said, stepping out and heading to the bed. He sat down next to Jana and her breath caught at his close proximity. This man – in a towel _and_ wet – did things to her. Very bad things. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against hers. “I have missed you so much, baby.”

“I missed you too,” Jana whispered back, kissing his cheek and nuzzling his nose softly. Turning his head, Michael caught her lips in his and slowly eased her back on the bed til he was half-laying on top of her. He cupped her cheek in his large hand as he softly kissed her, sucking gently on her lower lip. He slowly kissed down her jaw, moving towards her ear.

“Michael…Michael wait..” Jana said against his lips, knowing she needed to talk to him before she completely lost herself in him.

“Uhmm…” he mumbled against her neck, setting her pulse to a rapid pace.  Jana pushed at his chest and shoulders, trying to get him to stop. He leaned up, looking at her in confusion. “What is it baby?”

“Michael I need to tell you something..” Jana whispered, staring at the base of his neck, unable to meet his eyes.  Michael tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him. His eyes were intense, wary even.

“Tell me. Whatever it is, tell me.”

“I..I’m…well…okay…fuck Michael, I am pregnant.” Jana blurted out, pulling her chin from his grasp and sitting up, looking down at her lap. She felt Michael sit up behind her, swinging his legs over to the side of the bed, turning away from her.

“You’re positive?” he whispered and Jana’s heart sank.  Not the reaction she was expecting or hoping for.

“Yes. I went to the doctor yesterday. It’s positive.” She got up off the bed, walking over to her dresser and getting the envelope that had the pictures from the ultrasound. She walked back over and handed them to Michael. He took the envelope and looked up at her in confusion. “It’s the pictures from the ultrasound, Michael. Of the baby,” Jana said quietly, going back to sit on the bed once again. She heard him open the envelope, and silence ensued. Her heart was pounding in her ears.

“Michael? Please say something,” Jana whispered, her chin trembling as tears started rolling down her cheeks. “Please..”

Silence still.

Jana turned to look at him, unable to take it any longer. He was staring down at the pictures, his hand over his mouth.

“What am I looking at, Jana? I don’t see anything?” he said, holding the picture up closer to his face and squinting at it.

“The little dot is the baby. It’s too early for anything else.”

“Point it out to me, love,” Michael said, turning to look at her. He scooted closer and handed the photos to her.  Jana wiped her eyes, and hiccupped, trying to focus on the pictures. She pointed to the little dot in the corner of the big, black spot.

“Here. That’s the baby, Michael.” Jana showed him before closing her eyes, trying to calm herself down. She thought she would be prepared for him to not want a baby, but she really wasn’t.

“Jana? Look at me love.” Michael reached up, turning her face towards his. “Look at me, sweetie.” Jana opened her eyes to find Michael smiling gently at her. “That little dot is our baby, Jana?”

“Yes,” she whispered back.

“Mine?” Michael asked her, the smile still in place.

“Yours.” Jana nodded.

Michael’s smile widened, his sharky grin coming out as he looked down at the photo in his hand, before looking back up at her again.

“Please say something, Michael,” Jana said, getting aggravated now. Why wouldn’t he say something???

Michael leaned forward, crushing her lips with his in a deep kiss. Jana tried to pull back, stunned at his reaction. As quickly as he started the kiss, he ended it, leaning back to look into Jana’s dazed eyes. He was still grinning hugely.

“We’re going to have a baby?” he asked her, his soft voice laced with what? Excitement?

“We?” Jana asked him, daring to believe. “You want the baby, Michael?”

“Are you kidding me? Of course I want the baby, love.” He cocked his head at her, his eyebrows coming together in confusion. “Did you think that I wouldn’t?”

Jana looked down at her hands again, twisting her ring around and shrugged her shoulders. “I didn’t know if you would or wouldn’t want it.” Michael tilted her head up once again with his finger, forcing her to look at him.

“You are crazy, love. Absolutely fucking crazy. Of course I want this baby. I told you so before,” he said as he reached down and gently touched her still flat tummy. “Planned or not, it’s ours, Jana. Yours and mine.” He looked up at her now, shaking his head. “I think I am going to fucking cry, woman. Seriously, do you not realize how happy I am?” He asked her as he wiped at the corner of his eye with his thumb and blinked rapidly.

“Really? Like really really? Like you-”

Michael shook his head at her in disbelief before capturing her lips with his once more, cutting off the nonsense she was coming up with.  Jana struggled for just a moment until she felt his tongue slide in between her teeth, tangling with hers. Once she felt him sucking on her tongue, pulling it into his mouth, she was lost. He released her tongue, running the tip of his own tongue along her lower lip, pulling it in to suck on it once more.  Jana tried to move closer, to press herself against him.  She pulled at his hair, trying to hold him to her as he pulled back, her lower lip popping from between his lips like he had been sucking on a lollipop. She continued trying to reach his mouth as he held her back. Finally she opened her eyes, staring at him, her eyes glossed over as he stared back with that infuriating grin.

“Still always works, doesn’t it love?” he teased her.

“Don’t you know that pregnant women are emotional and hormonal?” she griped, earning a chuckle from him.  Jana tried to get up, pushing at his arms and chest.

“Oh, no you don’t, woman,” Michael said as he eased her back down on the bed, once again half-laying on her body with his. He nipped at her lower lip, earning a groan from her. “So I did some research in case you were pregnant.  Are you one of those pregnant women who wants sex all the time or am I going to be celibate for the next nine months?” He moved his lips to her cheek, moving back and forth between her ear.

“I always want sex with you, Michael – pregnant or not,” Jana said huskily, trying in vain to reach his lips with hers. She balled her fists in frustration. “Why are you teasing me so much, jerk?” She could feel his grin against her cheek, and it only served to aggravate her more.  She felt his lips travel down her collar bone to the top of her tank top.  He cupped her breasts and she moaned, arching her back up, pushing her sensitive mounds into his hands.  She was aching for his touch, to where it was almost painful.

“Hello ladies,” Michael whispered against her breasts, her nipples straining at the fabric. He rubbed his lips against her and she shivered, whimpering as she clutched at his hair. “I do believe your breasts are getting larger already love,” he murmured against her skin, running his thumbs over her aching nipples as he looked up at her, his eyes dark with desire. 

“Please Michael…” Jana whined, trying to move against his body.

"Please what, love?" Michael whispered  huskily, taking one already too-sensitive nipple between his lips through her tank top. He tugged on it slightly, running his hands under her tank as he moved the shirt up. He pulled it up to her neck and lifted Jana, removing the shirt and tossing it on the floor. Yes, her breasts were definitely fuller, Michael thought, as he stared at them spilling over her bra. He shook his head at her and bit his lip. "Damn, woman. I didn't think it was possible for you to get any sexier, but fuck me if you didn't." He leaned down again, kissing the top of her breast above her bra as she squirmed beneath him.

"Michael! Please!" Jana practically yelled, impatience getting the better of her. She reached underneath her back,  unhooking her bra herself and yanked it off. Michael stared at her in awe, taking in the site of her breasts, full and proud, the darker areola surrounding her nipples a striking contrast to her paler skin. Oh yes, her body was definitely changing.  The fact that he knew he was responsible for this - she was carrying his child - had him rock hard in his pants already. He didn't think he had ever been more aroused in his life. Fuck.

He leaned down again, taking Jana's hands and pinning them above her head as he stretched his chest out over hers. He heard her sigh in contentment, rubbing her breast against him. He was going to come in his pants, he fucking knew it.  He pulled back a little, staring at her and Jana opened her eyes, staring back up at him.

"What now, Michael? Fuck!" Jana whined, clearly put out by his pulling back so often.

"Are you sure it's okay? I mean, we aren't going to hurt the baby, are we?"

Jana's impatience was softened a bit as she stared at his face, seeing the concern written all over it and in his beautiful, blue eyes. She shook her head at him and smiled softly.

"It's perfectly fine, Michael. I asked the doctor, believe me." She whispered, moving her body against him once more, trying to get in contact with his crotch. If she could just hook her leg over his and pull him in...

"You sure?" He asked once more, and Jana groaned.

"Oh my god! Yes! It's fine. Please, Michael. Please!" she whined, trying to capture his lips with hers. "Please make love to me, Michael. Please," she whispered up at him, nipping at his chin. It was his undoing. He leaned down, taking her lip between his...

* * *

A few hours and multiple orgasms later, Jana lay wrapped in Michael's arms, her back to his chest. She lightly rubbed her hand along his forearm, feeling the coarse hair on his arm that was wrapped around her breasts, smiling softly to herself. She felt so at ease right now, so sated, and so very comfortable.  Her eyelids fluttered, Michael's even breathing lulling her to sleep.

"I'm so happy, Jana. I didn't think I would be, but I am," Michael whispered against her hair, startling her,  his breath warm on her neck. She thought he was asleep.

"Really? I was so worried you wouldn't be okay with this."

"I am more than okay, love."

"What are we going to do about everything?" Jana worried her lower lip between her teeth, thinking about the logistics of a baby in the midst of their schedules.

"Stop, woman. We'll talk about that tomorrow. For now let's just be happy and try to get some sleep, right?" he murmured sleepily against her hair.

"Sleep? You're tired already? I was thinking we could-"

"Are you serious? You really want to go again? I have turned you into a nympho..."

Jana wiggled her butt against his crotch, feeling him stiffen behind her and his arms tighten around her.

"Woman.." he growled, his voice warning her.

"What?" Jana asked innocently. "If you're not up for it I'll understand."

"Woman, please.  I will never not be up for it," Michael said as he pushed against her ass, his cock half-hard again. He slid his hand down her side til he reached her naked thigh, slipping his hand in between her legs. She gladly opened up for him, pushing against him as he palmed her pussy.

"You are so fucking wet already. Fuck, woman." He slid a finger inside her, and Jana arched up against him. She was so much more responsive than she had ever been in all their time together.  Although he would never admit it to her, she had very nearly worn him out in the past few hours. He slipped another finger in, feeling her clench her walls around him as her hands clawed at his arms and her ass moved against his cock once again.  He groaned against her hair. He might not survive 9 months of this.

 

 


	38. Chapter 38

It wasn’t until after noon that Michael finally stumbled out into the living room, looking for Jana. He found her and Andy sitting outside by the pool, legs criss-crossed as they soaked up the October sun.

“Hey baby,” Michael said, rubbing his hair as he walked over to Jana. He kissed her on the lips briefly before grabbing one of the patio chairs and pulling it up close to Jana. She leaned back against his legs, her head resting against him.

“Did you sleep good?” Jana asked him shyly. The sight of him walking out in his loose jeans and shirtless with sexy, bedhead hair was enough to make her want to pounce on him again.

“Yeah. I was more tired than I thought,” Michael said leaning back in the chair a bit and looking at the girls. “So, Andy. How long are you going to be with us?”

“2 years,” Andy replied nonchalantly.

“Yeah right,” Michael snorted.  Andy grinned, closing her eyes against the sunlight and leaning back on her palms.

“She’s staying for about a week, Michael. Her boyfriend is coming in a few days and they are going to ride back to Dallas together,” Jana said, turning back to look at him. “How long are you going to be here?”

“Me? I’m done for almost 2 months, love,” he smiled down at her.

“2 months?” Jana squealed, hopping up from the ground and crawling into his lap. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he hugged her back. “Really?”

“Well I’ve got one or two days where I need to fly somewhere – Phoenix, I think, but not sure. For the most part I’m all yours until after Thanksgiving,” he grinned into her hair, loving the way she felt in his arms. He loved making her happy.

“So, Andy. Your boyfriend? When’s he coming again?” Michael asked Andy, looking over at her. She was busy on her phone once again. She looked up at him, then back down to her phone.

“He just texted and said he’ll be in sometime tomorrow evening. He was going to fly into Dallas but he was able to get it changed to Waco,” she smiled at Jana and Michael, and Jana smiled back.

“So we’re going to get to meet Mr. Perfect sooner than we thought?” Jana teased her friend and Andy's grin got even bigger. There was no spoiling her mood. “Andy’s getting married, Michael.”

“Oh yeah? Congratulations!” Michael said, shifting Jana in his lap.

“Am I too heavy for you?” Jana looked up at him apologetically.  Michael cocked an eyebrow at her, and shook his head.

“Yeah, right…”

“She thinks she’s fat already,” Andy said, rolling her eyes at Jana.

“I didn’t say that,” Jana glared at Andy. “I said I feel like I am gaining weight, but I didn’t say fat.” She tilted her head to the side, looking at Andy closely. ‘Why did you say fat? Do you think I am fat??”

“You’re crazy,” Andy snorted, going back to her phone.

“Well you said fat, not me,” Jana mumbled, plucking at the hair on Michael’s chest.

“Jana, love, you are not fat. Far from it, so quit thinking that,” Michael said, leaning closer now to whisper in her ear. “You are filling out in all the right places, though,” he said, his voice husky now. He shifted again and she could feel him hardening underneath her.  Jana giggled, wiggling her bottom against him. She almost laughed out loud as she heard Michael’s sharp intake of breath.

“It’s always in this fucking back yard, and always when someone is watching me that you do this shit to me,” Michael growled into her ear, the timber of his voice causing her to shiver. He quickly slid his arms under her legs and stood, lifting her with him. Surely he wasn’t going to toss her in the pool! Was he??

“What are you-”

“Hush, woman,” Michael ordered, before looking over at Andy. “If you’ll excuse us, Andy. I need a word with this girl.” Andy barely looked up from her phone, laughing as she did so.

“Yeah, you need to handle her Michael…” Andy laughed at the expression on Jana’s face.

“Wow. What a good friend you are..” Jana mumbled, glaring at Andy over Michael’s shoulder as he carried her back inside the house.

* * *

 

A few hours later and Jana wandered out into the living room, leaving Michael in the shower. Andy was sitting on a bar stool in the kitchen, eating a bowl of cereal and tapping on her phone. She looked up as Jana walked into the room.

“Are you more pregnant now?” Andy teased, grinning at Jana knowingly.

“Ass…” Jana shot back, grabbing a bowl for herself. “Pass me the cereal, would you?” She sat down on the stool next to Andy, pouring herself some cereal. She was not ordinarily a cereal eater, but she was starving right now and it would have to do.

“So…what do you think about him?” Jana asked Andy, her voice soft. She would always need her friend’s approval, no matter what.

“Well he’s fucking hot, that’s for sure,” Andy giggled, nudging Jana with her shoulder.

“Back off, homewrecker. He’s mine,” Jana nudged her back, grinning at her. “Other than that, what do you think about him?”

Andy turned to look at Jana, her voice serious now. “He’s awesome, Jana. He’s good for you, and he loves you. I can see that. That man worships the ground you walk on,” Andy said, placing a hand on Jana’s shoulder. “You are totally different, and in a good way. I am so happy for you and Michael, and your little Fassy-on-the-way.”

“Really? You don’t think I am making one monumentally stupid decision after the other?” Jana asked her friend, still unsure of everything. Andy shook her head at her, leaning over and hugging her from the side.

“No, babe. I think you are making a whole bunch of good decisions. He’s good for you, Jana. Just enjoy it and be happy. You deserve it.”

“Deserve what?” Michael asked, walking into the kitchen, this time wearing a tank top with his jeans. He walked up behind Jana, kissing the back of her head and pulling her back to him.

“That,” Andy waved her hand at them, smiling. “She deserves you, doing that…for as long as you both shall live…” she winked at Jana as her friend frowned back at her.

“I agree,” Michael, said kissing her once more before releasing her. ‘Are we eating cereal, then?”

“I can go out and get you something if you want,” Jana offered, lowering her spoon.

“It’s fine, love. If I want something or you guys do, I’ll go out and get it.,” Michael said, filling up a bowl with cereal and sitting down next to Jana. “You have school tomorrow, love?” Michael asked before taking a bite.

Jana sighed, “Yeah, I’ve got a few appointments and class at 1500. Shouldn’t be gone that long though.”

“So me and you are hanging out tomorrow?” Andy leaned forward, grinning at Michael. “What should we do with our time?”

“I don’t know…movies, drink beer, shopping…what do you wanna do?” Michael leaned forward as well, looking past Jana at Andy.  Jana just sat there, looking back and forth between the two.

“Wow. You guys are jerks for real. Nice to know I’ll be missed…”

Andy laughed out loud, nudging Jana with her shoulder once again. She hopped off the stool, grabbing her bowl and taking it to the sink.

“You know I am kidding, babe. I’ve got to get my nails done before H gets here. Don’t have time for your man,” she said, giggling as she glanced back at Jana. Jana stuck her tongue out at her friend. “I’m going to get a shower. Will you flat iron my hair for me later?” Andy asked before she walked out of the room.

“If I must,” Jana said.  Andy puckered her lips in a kiss to Jana as she left, heading down the hallway. “What a brat she is,” Jana mumbled under her breath.

“What are you going to do tomorrow while I am gone?” she asked Michael, pushing her cereal bowl away from her. He nodded at her bowl.

“You need to eat, love.”

“Oh don’t start that already. I’m full. What are you going to do tomorrow?” He swallowed, wiping his mouth with a paper towel before replying.

“I’m going to fuck around with the pool. It needs to be shut down for the winter time. Need to call somewhere around here and see what we need to do.” He took another bite of his cereal, nodding at her bowl once again. “Please eat?” he blinked at her, puppy-dog eyes on full display.  Jana rolled her eyes, pulling her cereal bowl back to her and reluctantly taking a bite.

“You happy?” she asked, after chewing and swallowing.

"Very," he nodded, smiling at her and taking another bite of his cereal.


	39. Chapter 39

Later that evening, Jana was running her fingers through Michael’s hair as he rested his head against her stomach.

“You’re not going to hear anything, silly,” Jana said softly.

“I can pretend, can’t I? Besides, he needs to hear my voice. He’ll hear yours all the time,” Michael said, kissing her tummy gently.

“He?” Jana asked, smiling to herself.

“Of course _he_.”

“What if he is a she?”

Michael snorted against her stomach. “I’m too manly to make girls, love. It’s a boy you’ve got there. I’m sure of it.”

Jana laughed out loud, tousling his hair.

“What do you want, love?” Michael asked her after a moment.

“It doesn’t matter. As long as he or she is healthy,” Jana said, looking down at the top of his messy head.

“No preference, then?”

“Well if I had to choose I’d say boy, only because I think they’ll be easier. What about you?”

“Boy of course. We’ll ride our motorbikes together, and play sports, and do all those manly things that men do,” he smiled against her stomach.

“Motorbikes? Really? I don’t think so…” Jana frowned, thinking of her son getting hurt on some stupid motorcycle. No, that would not be happening any time soon. She felt Michael stiffen against her and she looked down at him.  He had his chin propped up on her hip bone, staring up at her, his eyebrows scrunched together.

“What’s wrong?”

“What if it is a girl, Jana?” he whispered, fear in his voice. “What if it is a girl? I don’t know what to do with a girl, Jana.”

Jana smiled at him, tugging at him and pulling him up to her. He crawled up her body and lay next to her. When his face was close to hers, she cupped his scruffy cheeks and kissed his nose.

“Then we’ll have a daughter, baby. We’ll have a daughter and you’ll be the best father that any girl could hope to have.”

“I’m feeling a little panicked, love,” Michael said, closing his eyes and breathing deeply.  He leaned his forehead against hers, and Jana could feel his heartbeat thumping rapidly underneath her fingers.  Jana giggled, nuzzling his nose with hers, trying to get him to open his eyes.

“Michael?”

“Uhmm…” Michael mumbled, still not opening his eyes.

“Are you going to be alright?” Jana said, smiling as she did so.  She had not really ever seen Michael this worked up.

“I’ll be fine, give me a moment,” he mumbled and Jana tried to hide her giggle. He was really worried about having a daughter!

“Michael, baby, you know girls can ride motorcycles too, right?” Jana asked, trying to pull him out of his thoughts. He looked at her now, his eyes hard and shook his head.

“The fuck she will. My daughter will not be riding on any type of motorbike,” he said, his tone leaving no room for disagreement.  Jana snorted now.

“Okay, so no motorcycles for our daughter, but okay for our son?  Really, Michael?  What is this, 1950?” Jana raised her eyebrows at him.  Michael sighed, burying his face against her neck.

“Can we just agree that we are having a boy?” he said, his voice muffled against her neck. 

Jana laughed, rubbing his back in a soothing manner. “I love you, Michael.”

“I’m stressed out, still,” he mumbled against her neck, and she laughed again, pulling at his head to get him to face her. She cupped his scruffy cheeks with her hands, smiling at the fact that he still had his eyes closed.

“Michael? Look at me.” He sighed, opening his eyes and staring back at her.  Jana bit her lip as she tried not to laugh at the expression on his face.  Here was a man who was completely stressed out about _maybe_ having a daughter that could one day _maybe_ be riding on a motorcycle.

“It’s really not funny,” he grumbled, trying to bury his face again. Jana wouldn’t let him, holding his face in place. He sighed, melodramatically, and closed his eyes once again.

“I know, baby, and I am sorry. I just think it’s so cute that you are so worried already.” She leaned forward, kissing the corner of his mouth. “What can I do to alleviate your stress?” she whispered coyly, dropping soft kisses along his lips.

“Kissing is not going to work right now," he muttered, flopping on his back and tossing his arm over his eyes. Jana smiled and crawled over him, straddling him. She leaned down and kissed the base of his neck, feeling his pulse beating wildly. Whether it was from her or stress, she didn't know, but she continued on. She licked at the indention of his collarbone, following the line down to the center of his chest and started working her way down slowly.

"Still not working," he muttered again, and Jana smiled into his chest. She moved over to his nipple, circling it with her tongue, but not taking the tiny bud in her mouth just yet. Michael shifted underneath her and she felt his hands grip her hips. Liar, she thought to herself. She smiled, knowing something was indeed working down below.

She leaned down, licking at his nipple with the tip of her tongue and he jerked up against her. Yes, it was definitely working - she could feel his hardness as he pressed against her. She scooted down further, taking his nipple completely in her mouth, sucking on it gently before nipping it with her teeth. Michael hissed out an expletive, and Jana's grin got a little bigger. She sucked on it just a little more, enjoying feeling him squirming underneath her for once, before releasing it and scooting down even further. She followed the light line of hair as it tapered down his waist - definitely a happy trail - and ran her tongue along the edge of his boxers.

"Jana.." Michael groaned out, his hips moving involuntarily against her.

"Settle down, baby. Trying to get you to relax, remember?" Jana whispered as she hooked her fingers in the top of his boxes and began pulling them down. He lifted up slightly, allowing her to pull them off completely. Jana moved herself so that she was kneeling down between his legs, pushing them apart so that she could have better access to what she wanted.  She leaned over him, running her lips and tongue up the inside of his thigh, avoiding his cock that was painfully erect right next to her face. She knew her hair was brushing against him, and she felt him twitch each time she did it. She smiled, and purposefully moved so that her breath and then her hair would barely touch him, earning another twitch from him.

"Fuck! What are you doing?" he whined - yes whined - and Jana's smile got even bigger. She removed Michael's hand from her hair, placing them on the bed next to him.

"Leave your hands there, baby. Just be still, okay?" she whispered, sliding her hand up and closing it around his hard length now. She felt him throbbing in her hand, and she felt the wetness pool between her legs. She was at turned on as he was, if not more!

"Easy for you to say," he said through gritted teeth, his fists balled in the sheets next to him.

Jana rubbed her hand up his hard length, running her thumb over the tip and feeling the moisture that was already there. She licked her lips greedily and leaned down, just barely touching the tip with her lips. Michael inhaled sharply, and it only urged her on. She rubbed the head of his cock over her lips, spreading the droplets. He was rock hard, but felt like silk in her hands, and Jana moaned as he pushed against her mouth, trying to desperately get closer to her. She opened her mouth slightly, running her tongue over the tip and along the underside, feeling the blood throbbing there. She gripped him tighter as she licked down the hard line running under his cock, all the way down to the base. She cupped his balls with her other hand as she licked back up his cock. She twisted her hand, and slowly lowered her lips to the head,  licking at his slit as she looked up at him with hooded eyes. He had his eyes closed, his brow creased in concentration.  She slowly parted her lips and slid down him, taking as much as she could before sliding back up. He involuntarily bucked and Jana opened her mouth wider, trying to accommodate him as best as possible. He was fucking huge! She slowly sucked on him, moving him in and out, swirling her tongue around his tip and under the rim before sliding back down again. The sounds of her wet mouth sucking on him loudly filled the room. Jana clenched her own legs together, her pussy aching as she moved over him, wanting that cock inside her more than anything in the world right now.

"Oh fuck! Jana...fuck!" he groaned, fisting his hands in her hair and pulling her mouth down on him. She gripped the base of his cock, controlling how far he could go in. She twisted her hands around his base as she sucked, sheathing her teeth so that she could take him in farther. Licking and swirling her tongue around him, she continued to suck, taking him in as he thrust into her mouth. His movements were getting sporadic and Jana knew he was close.  She could hear his heavy breathing, feel the strain in his body as he tried to hold back.

"Love..I'm gonna...oh fuck!" Michael stammered out, his words clipped with each movement of her hot mouth on his dick.

"Jana...baby...Jana...oh god...I'm gonna...FUCK!" Michael arched up off the bed, his fists once again twisted in the sheets. He growled as he came in her mouth, and Jana swallowed the hot cum down, sucking on him as he continued to thrust. She continued sucking, milking him for all he had until he began to slow. When Jana was sure he was done, she leaned back, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand and grinning at him. He stared down at her, an exhausted smile on his face.

He crooked a finger at her, beckoning her to come up to him. "Come here, woman. Get rid of your clothes."  He ordered and  Jana's heart flip-flopped at the look in his eyes, knowing what was coming next.

Jana removed her shorts and panties first before crawling up him, rubbing her soaking wet pussy against him as she did so.  He hissed in another breath, closing his eyes briefly before opening them again.

"Fuck me, love, but you are going to be the death of me," he murmured against her mouth, tasting his saltiness on her lips. Jana squirmed against him, once again rubbing herself over him, the rough hair above his cock driving her wild. Michael reached down and grabbed her ass cheeks, spreading her open as she continued to rub against him.

"Michael..." Jana whined against his neck, still grinding against him. He was not quite ready to go, but he knew as soon as he sank into her he would be hard as a rock once again. He positioned her so that his cock was pressed against her entrance, and pushed her back onto him. He gritted his teeth as he sank into her, gripping her hips, and pulling her down on top of him until he was buried to the hilt.  He took Jana's hands and pushed her back, so that she was leaning back towards his legs, and he knew she was feeling every inch of him.  She had her eyes closed, her mouth slightly parted as she panted and moaned.

"Fuck me, love. Fuck me as hard as you want..." he whispered, feeling himself harden as she took that damn bottom lip in between her teeth and began to move her hips, grinding against him.  Michael closed his eyes, caught in the middle of almost too-much pleasure, and prayed that he didn't have a fucking heart attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hormones and pizza....

Jana walked in the door the next day after 1800, incredibly exhausted from being on campus all day. 2 of her clients had no-showed, which worked in her favor. She was still tired, though, and assumed it was the pregnancy that was already making her feel this way. All she wanted to do was go to sleep. She slowly closed the door behind her, looking for Michael. She knew Andy was gone to the airport and wouldn’t be back until later. She dropped her bags by the front door, sitting down on the stool to take off her shoes.

“Hey baby,” Michael said with a smile, coming in from out back. He was shirtless and sweaty and gorgeous. He still made her heart skip a beat, and her face flushed as he walked over to her. Those fucking jeans hung just right on his hips, the little hint of hair peeking out from above the button driving her mad.

“Hey,” Jana whispered as Michael knelt down in front of her, taking her shoes off himself. He rubbed her calf muscle, and Jana closed her eyes, sighing in relief.

“You tired, love?” Michael asked, continuing to rub her legs and feet.

“Mhhh-hmmm…” Jana mumbled, enjoying his strong hands rubbing her feet.

“Why don’t you go grab a shower and get into some comfy clothes and I’ll give you a better foot rub?” Michael asked, pulling her to her feet. “Andy will be back soon so I need to figure out something for us all to eat. I’m thinking pizza…” he trailed off, and Jana opened her eyes, laughing at him.  He shrugged his shoulders at her. His very sweaty, somewhat dirty shoulders…

“Sounds good to me,” Jana said, leaning up to kiss him. She could taste the sweat on his lips and immediately she was aroused. These fucking pregnancy hormones were going to kill them both.  She ran her finger down the center of his sweaty chest as she looked up at him. “You are dirty, Michael. Wanna join me in the shower?” Michael grinned at her innuendo, his eyes alight with humor as he grasped her hand, holding it in place against his chest lest she go any further.

“What I am about to say is going to shock even my twisted self, but you are going to kill me, love. Is it the pregnancy that is making you this horny?” he looked at her, an incredulous smile on his face. 

Jana narrowed her eyes and scowled at him, pulling back in aggravation. She did not want to be made fun of over something like this, and Michael knew that sex was still sometimes a touchy subject with her, that confidence was still an issue. Besides, what guy didn’t want to have sex all the time? She angrily jerked her hand away from him, walking away in a huff.

“Jana? Baby-” Michael called after her, beginning to follow her into the room. Jana turned at their bedroom door and held up her hand, halting him in the doorway.

“Don’t. Don’t make fun of me and don’t follow me,” she glared at him, closing the door. Michael put his hand up, stopping the door halfway before she could shut it.

“I didn’t mean it that way, love,” Michael said, his eyes soft as he looked at her. ‘Don’t be mad at me.”

“Don’t do that patronizing bullshit with me Michael!” Jana griped at him, thoroughly aggravated now.  She pushed at the door again. “Let me take a shower in peace, please.” Her jaw was ticking with aggravation.  Michael released the door, holding his hands up in surrender.

“Oka-” He didn’t get to finish even that word as the door was slammed in his face. He shook his head, smiling to himself. He walked away from the door and back to the kitchen to order the pizza. This was going to be an interesting 9 months indeed…

* * *

 

An hour later and Jana stepped out of the bedroom, hair in a messy bun on top of her head. Michael had showered in the guest bathroom, knowing that he wasn’t welcome in his and Jana’s. He had used the universal key to unlock the door and get clean clothes while she was showering, locking it back behind him so that she wouldn’t be even more mad at him. He was sitting at the kitchen counter, and he warily watched her as she came over and grabbed a bottle of water and paper towels. Without looking at him - or speaking to him - she walked over and took the whole pizza box from in front of him, and headed to the living room. She sat down on the couch and turned on the television, placing the pizza box on the table in front of her.  Michael sighed, picking up his lone slice and followed her.

“Can I sit next to you?” Michael asked hesitantly.  Jana shrugged her shoulders.

“Do what you want.”

Michael rolled his eyes at her before sitting down, placing his soda on the coffee table.

‘Don’t roll your eyes at me. I can’t fucking stand that,” Jana bit out before taking a bite of her pizza. She angrily flicked the channels on the television. How the hell did she know what was on if she was going so fast?

“Are you looking for anything in particular, love? Going that fast, how will-”

“I know what I am looking for. If you want to watch something else then go to another room. There are two guest rooms and both have televisions,” she turned and smiled at him sweetly now. “Beds too.”

Michael looked at her out of the corner of his eye as he set his pizza down and took a big drink of his soda. She was really, really pissed at him. Like really, really pissed.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did,” he began, glancing at her out of the corner of his eye.

“Good,” she replied, her tone curt.

“How long are you going to be mad at me? I sort of don’t even know what I did, so…” he trailed off, flinching as she turned her glare on him full-force. He scooted back against the arm of the couch, taking his pizza with him.

“You don’t know what you did?  Really?  Really Michael??”

“No, I really don’t,” he said as he shook his head, eyes wide. “But if you tell me I’ll surely fix it. Right away.” 

Jana rolled her eyes at him now and snorted.  She held up her fingers and started counting off on them. “Let’s see…number one – you got me pregnant. Number two being pregnant makes me want to have sex all the time,” she said flicking another finger. “Number three, you turned me down, and number four you made fun of me. I think that about sums it up,” she groused, angrily snatching her pizza up and taking another bite. She grabbed the remote and began flicking the channels in rapid succession once again.

Michael covered his mouth with his hand, desperately trying to hide his smile. He knew it would piss her off more, so he tried to focus before turning to speak with her. He closed his eyes, summoning all his acting skills for what could surely be a life or death situation should he say or do the wrong thing.  When he felt sufficiently prepared for battle, he reached over and took the remote from her. She gasped, turning angry eyes on him once again.

“Give it back,” she ordered, holding out her hand to him.

“No,” he said, eyebrow cocked as he held the remote behind his back.

“No?”

“No.” He shook his head as he stared at her, unwilling to bend beneath her hard gaze. She held his gaze for a moment, blinking rapidly as her chin started trembling. Michael watched as her angry eyes filled with tears, and he sighed, pulling her to him. He lifted her up onto him, cradling her in his lap. At first she tried to resist, pushing at his chest until she realized he wasn’t budging. She buried her head in his neck, sniffling and hiccupping as she cried.

“I love you, Jana. I’m sorry. Tell me how to make it better?” She sniffled again, fiddling with his t-shirt. “Jana? Baby, tell me what I did wrong,” Michael coaxed her, rubbing her back and hair in a soothing manner.

“I’m afraid I am going to get fat and you’re not going to want me,” she whispered against his neck, hiccupping again.  Michael closed his eyes as he nuzzled her hair.

“Jana, love, I will never stop wanting you,” he murmured, stroking her back as he held her to him.

“But you didn’t want me earlier,” she argued back.

“Love, I had just come from out back. That fucking pool kicked my ass and I sort of wanted to drink a beer before taking a shower. I didn’t want to drink around you, you know. I knew you were tired and I wanted to give you time to shower in peace.” He leaned back, tilting her chin up so that she had to look at him. “I promise that’s all it was. The beer’s in the garbage if you want to check,” he said, winking at her.

“You promise that’s all it was? You don’t think I am getting fat and gross do you?” she looked at him, her eyes still wet with tears. He smiled at her and kissed her on the tip of her nose before hugging her tight, kissing all over her forehead and hair.

“Absolutely not, crazy girl,” he said, shifting her on his lap. Her breath caught as she felt his hardness beneath her rear. “You feel that? That’s what you do to me. Knowing that you are pregnant with my baby makes you ten-thousand times more sexy to me, love.”

“I’m sorry, Michael,” Jana mumbled, burying her face against his neck. “It’s the hormones, it has to be and I am tired, and my boobs are starting to hurt, and I think I am getting sick in the morning. Like I feel sick but I haven’t gotten sick, and I already feel fat, and I’m worried that I’ll gain 200 pounds and-”

Michael pulled her face up, silencing her with a blistering kiss, his lips crushing hers. He pulled back, nipping at her lower lip and nuzzling her nose.

“Stop, baby. Just stop. You’re beautiful, and everything will be fine and I’ll never not want you, so just stop okay?” he nipped at her lip again and she moved, trying to capture his lips with hers. He grinned at her, holding her back with his hands as they cupped her cheeks.

“Calm down, woman. Andy’s on her way back with Mr. Perfect and we need to wait for them.” He grinned at Jana’s petulant look, nipping at her lip once more. “We have all night once we get through with them. I can assure you I will more than make it up to you, beautiful. Can you be patient, please?” Jana shrugged, untangling herself from his arms and hopping off his lap. She sat back down where she was before, reaching for another slice of pizza.

“I guess. What choice do I have?” she complained, taking a big bite and chewing angrily.

“I love you, baby,” Michael said, picking up another slice himself.

“I love you, too,” Jana mumbled back, almost causing Michael to laugh, but he caught himself just in time. He did not want to set off World War 3 by laughing at her right now, he really did not.


	41. Chapter 41

Headlights in the windows alerted Jana that Andy had returned. She hopped up off the couch, quickly clearing the pizza boxes off the coffee table and moving them to the kitchen. She was just walking to the front door when it opened, a smiling Andy and a blonde Adonis walking through the door. Jana stood there, gaping for a moment. She wasn’t really one for blonde hair and blue eyes, but this man was stunning. A mixture between David Beckham and Jessie Pavelka - if you could imagine that combo. Andy ran to Jana, hugging her tight and squealing, not taking notice of Jana’s momentary lapse of reason. She released her friend and motioned for Hynek to come closer.

“Jana this is Hynek. Hynek this is my best friend ever, Jana.” 

Hynek held out his hand, and Jana took it, staring at him with wide eyes. He was really, really good looking. Like really, really, really good looking…

“Nice to meet you. I have heard so much about you,” Hynek said, his accent thick, and his smile bright and wide. Jana still couldn’t speak, words having escaped her.

Just then Michael walked out of the bedroom, pulling a t-shirt over his head, and walked up to the three. 

“Hynek this is Michael, Jana’s boyfriend. Michael, Hynek.” Andy said, smiling at Michael now. Michael held out his hand, taking the other man’s and shaking it heartily.

“Nice to meet you, man. Been hearing about you for the past week,” he said slyly, looking at Andy out of the corner of his eye. 

“Good mostly, eh?” Hynek asked, pulling Andy into his side. She giggled again and poked at his side, her cheeks red as she flushed under his gaze. 

“Mostly,” Michael teased Andy before turning back to Hynek. “You hungry, mate? We’ve got beer if you’re interested?”

Hynek nodded enthusiastically at Michael before catching himself, and looking down at Andy.

“Do you mind, lasko?” 

“No, it’s fine. I need to talk to Jana,” Andy smiled up at him, leaning up for a kiss before releasing him to Michael. Michael leaned down and kissed Jana on the top of her head before motioning for the other man to follow him in to the kitchen. They grabbed a six-pack of Guinness and headed out back to the sit by the pool. Once the door closed, Andy grabbed Jana by her hands and squealed again.

“So! What do you think?? Is he not the most perfect thing ever?” 

Jana giggled at her friend, staring towards the back door, finally having enough clarity to speak.

“Look, I say this in the nicest way I can, but that man is fucking gorgeous. He should be a model,” Jana said, shaking her head in disbelief at Andy. “How do you deal with his…his good-lookingness??”

Andy laughed out loud, hugging her friend again. 

“You are one to talk with Fassy there! How the fuck did we end up with these gorgeous men?”

“I have no idea. It’s almost too much to bear, seriously. Should we join them?” Jana asked, walking over to the back door and peering out the window at the two men outside. Jana looked at the difference between the two. Hynek was all thick muscles and tan, arms encased in a tight hoodie, while Michael was lean and sinewy, his pale arms peeking out from his t-shirt. Hynek was considerably larger than Michael – taller and stockier – and blonde of course. Although he was a gorgeous man, he was in no way a comparison to Michael. There was something about the way Michael moved, his self-assuredness maybe, but he had a certain swagger to him that Jana found other men did not have. She’d heard it time and time again – that man is sex walking – and she tended to agree. She watched as Michael lifted the beer to his lips, taking a long swallow, his Adams apple bobbing as he swallowed. Just then he turned, catching Jana staring at him and he winked at her, causing her to blush profusely. Just like that he reduced her to a pool of want and need, and she was ready to drag him back to the bedroom. Fucking pregnancy hormones. 

“Oh I am of course. I am about to jump his bones, so get ready. I haven’t seen him in forever!” Andy said, breezing past Jana and opening the door. She walked over to Hynek, wrapping her arms around him and laughing up at him.

Jana followed, shyly walking up to Michael and taking the hand he offered. He leaned down and kissed her lips softly, and she could taste the beer on his lips.

“I love you, beautiful,” Michael whispered, moving to her ear and planting a soft kiss by it, causing her to blush again. 

“I love you more,” Jana said back, hugging him tight. 

“You want to sit, love? Here, come sit with me, right?” Michael said, pulling her over to a chair and sitting down first before pulling her onto his lap. He situated her where he wanted her and then motioned for Hynek to follow. “Hey man, grab a chair, yeah?” 

Hynek nodded, walking over and pulling up a chair. Andy happily plopped down on his lap, giggling up at him. Jana watched as the couple whispered to each other, both wrapped up in each other and oblivious to the world outside. Happy for her friend, Jana smiled and leaned her head against Michael’s shoulder.

“You happy, babe?” Michael asked, taking another drink of his beer. 

“Everything feels really good right now,” Jana said, her voice sounding sleepy. She tried to stifle a yawn, barely managing to keep it to herself.

“Tired, love?” Michael chuckled, rubbing her back.

“Yeah, a bit. I think I may go in and lay down if you don’t mind?”

“Okay baby. I’m gonna stay out for a few minutes, and talk with Hynek if that’s all right with you?”

Jana sat up, kissing Michael on the cheek. “Sure, Michael. Have some man time,” she said, winking at him.

“Well shit. You two girls are driving me crazy, so I deserve it, don’t you think?” Michael teased, swatting her on her butt as she started to walk away.

“You going inside?” Andy asked, looking up from Hynek.

“Yeah. I’m tired. Wanna come with? Let the boys have some time to do boy things?” Jana said, grinning down at Michael. Hynek nodded to Andy, indicating that he didn’t mind.

“Don’t stay out too long?” Andy asked, leaning over Hynek and staring pointedly into his eyes. Jana laughed, knowing Andy was ordering him to not stay out too long, rather than asking. Hynek nodded his head, and whispered something to Andy, causing her to giggle. With one more kiss, Andy stood up and followed Jana into the house.

Once inside, the girls crashed on the couch momentarily and Jana flipped on the television. Pepper and Squeezy jumped up on the couch looking for attention and Jana absentmindedly petted them. 

“I’m probably gonna go lay down. I am exhausted,” Jana said, turning to Andy and shrugging her shoulders apologetically . “Are you gonna be mad if I do?

“Oh no girl! H is not staying out there that long, no matter what he thinks. I am going to shower and then I am going to drag him in the house by his ears.” Andy cocked an eyebrow at Jana now, a smirk on her face. “You know we’re gonna screw each other’s brains out, right?”

Jana laughed at her friend’s unabashed question.

“Yeah, I figured you were. Change the sheets please when you are done,” Jana said, shaking her head as she stood up. “Ok I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

“Yeah, I’m going now too.” Andy flipped off the television, and stood up along with Jana, following her to the hallway. Jana turned back to Andy, a tired smile on her face.

“I’m really happy for you, Andy. I can tell you’re happy and H looks happy too. I think you guys are a great couple.”

Andy smiled, pulling her friend in for a hug as she said, “You too, Jana. I am glad we are both so happy. Babies and weddings, and all that shit. I love you, girl.” Andy leaned back, squeezing Jana’s shoulders once more. “Now go get some sleep, preggo. You look pretty tired. We’ll talk more tomorrow.” 

Jana nodded, sleepily smiling once more before they parted ways. Once in the bedroom, she walked to the bathroom, taking out her contacts and quickly brushing her teeth. She slipped out of her shorts and pulled off her shirt, finding one of Michael’s tees and pulled it on. She sleepily walked over to the bed and crawled in on Michael’s side, snuggling into his pillow that smelled of him and quickly dozed off into an exhausted sleep.


	42. Chapter 42

A few hours – and a few beers – later, Michael walked into the bedroom. It was well after 1am and he felt slightly guilty for leaving Jana in here all alone all night. He knew Hynek was catching hell from Andy, and this made Michael smile a little. He walked into the bathroom, quickly brushing his teeth and pulled off his clothes. He slipped into a pair of shorts and walked back out to the bed.  Jana was on his side, and he smiled at her tenderly, seeing how she was wrapped around his pillow. He lifted the covers sliding in as best as he could before lifting her and scooting her over. She sleepily protested a bit before snuggling into his side and wrapping an arm around his waist.

“What time is it?” she asked him, her voice muffled against his chest.

“After 1. I’m sorry, love.  We were just bullshitting and time got away from us. I didn’t mean to leave you here all alone for so long,” Michael said as he rubbed her back.

“It’s ok. You’re here now. Was Andy mad?”

Michael chuckled a bit, remembering Andy’s look as she came to the back door a few minutes ago and demanded that Hynek “bring his ass inside.” He didn’t think it was possible for that big man to look that terrified by someone so small as Andy, but damn if he didn’t.

“A little…” Michael said, grinning as he did so.

“I bet,” Jana giggled, knowing her friend all too well.

“I love you, Schatzi…” Michael whispered, and Jana’s eyes popped open, not having heard that in a while.

“I love you more, Michael,” she whispered back, hugging him tighter. She simply couldn’t get close enough to him. They lay there in companionable silence for a while, and Jana began drifting back off, the steady beat of Michael’s heartbeat lulling her back to sleep.

“When do you think you got pregnant?” Michael’s soft voice broke the silence. Jana blinked in confusion, surprised at that question.

“Honestly? I think it was that night after I brought you home. When you were drinking and I had to go get you,” she whispered, not wanting to relive those few days. Everything had gone to shit in those few days and it was all because of her.

“Hmmm..” Michael murmured, his hand briefly stopping it’s caress as he thought over what she had said. “Is that what the doctor thinks?”

“Yes. She said probably the last part of August and that was when you got here and…well…when all the…stuff happened,” Jana said quietly. She did not want to ruin this time that they had been having, did not want to go back to that time. She quietly prayed that Michael would just let it go, just forget about it.  She gripped him tighter, her hands sliding around his waist to hold him close as fear set in.

“I’m not going anywhere, love,” Michael said, her actions not going unnoticed. “Maybe that’s the good to come out of that weekend. The good out of all that mess.”

Jana didn’t speak, afraid to say anything in case it was the wrong thing. She closed her eyes, continuing to pray that he would let it be. Please just drop it, please just drop it!

“Jana?”

“Yes?” she whispered, eyes still closed.

“I’m sorry about that night. I don’t remember much of it, but I am sorry. I just feel like I needed to say that.” Jana sat up quickly, shaking her head at him.

"No! You don’t have to say sorry for anything, Michael. It was all my fault and I deserved everything. There was nothing you did that I didn’t deserve, so please don’t apologize to me.” Jana cast her eyes down to his neck, feeling shame once again for what had happened. “I am sorry, Michael. I don’t know if I can say it enough and I don’t know if you’ll ever understand just how sorry I am.” She felt her chin trembling and she blinked furiously, trying to hold those fucking tears at bay. She was always crying over everything!

Michael brushed his thumbs over her cheeks, trying to soothe her. He pulled her back down to his chest, cradling her head against him.

“I am sorry I brought it up. I don’t want you to feel bad, love. It’s just…the baby has made me look at things differently. I want this to be our fresh start, you know? Sort of a clean slate and all that other bullshit is done. It’s over for me, Jana. I mean that. My intention was not to make you feel any sort of way about it. I believe you, and it’s over for me.” He leaned down, kissing her tenderly on the top of head. He felt her crying before he heard her sniffling. He hated when she cried and he would do anything to stop it. He pulled her closer to him, maneuvering her so that she was laying on top of him. She had her arms tucked underneath her and he knew she had her thumb in her mouth, probably chewing on that fingernail as she tried to control her crying.

“Jana, baby?”

“Yeah?” she hiccupped out.

“I love you.”

“I…I…love…I love you too,” she said, her words broken up by her sniffles and tears.

“I’m happy we’re having a baby. Are you?” Jana nodded against his chest, words failing her still. She sniffled again and Michael hugged her tight once more. “I hope I don’t pass out,” Michael said, and that grabbed Jana’s attention.

“What?”

“You know…you see all these shows and men sort of fall out in the room…and I don’t want to do that.”

Jana giggled a bit through her tears. He could switch from one subject to another so quickly.

“Are you laughing at me, woman?” Michael asked, smacking her ass lightly.

“Of course not,” Jana said in mock seriousness.

“I think you are and I don’t think it’s funny, woman,” Michael growled, shifting her ever so slightly on his chest. She wriggled against him, earning another growl. “And don’t think your sexy ass is going to get you out of this…”

“Really what are you afraid of Michael? I am the one doing all the work.”

“Yeah but it’s sort of natural for you, you know? Being a woman, you know what to do, you know? I am not overly fond of blood and I don’t want to fall out on the floor. Would be quite embarrassing, you know, kind of pathetic even.”

Jana snorted. “It’s definitely not natural for me just because I am a woman. I am trying not to think of anything that far down because I will get terrified. Besides, I think all those shows are overly dramatized versions of reality. I don’t know any men who have passed out. Do you?”

“Don’t think so. We need to tell my parents. My mum is going to shit bricks. So be prepared.” Michael hesitated, rubbing his chin as he debated on the next part. “What about your parents?”

“You mean my mom? That’s all I have. That and my brother. I don’t know who I want involved.” Jana couldn’t remember the last time she had spoken with her mother, and the situation with Aaron had never been dealt with. Quite frankly she didn’t want to deal with any of them, to just pretend as if they didn’t exist and continue on with her life. Michael squeezed her tighter, knowing what she was thinking.

“We don’t have to, baby. It can just be you and me and the baby, our own little family. If that’s what you want that’s how we’ll do it,” Michael said softly, nuzzling at her hair. “I don’t know that I’ll be able to keep my family away, though,” he finished with a chuckle. Jana smiled against his chest, rubbing her cheek against him.

“Your mom’s sweet, Michael. I am sure the rest of the family is too. Mine is a different story, so let’s just play it by ear okay?”

Michael nodded, as he hugged her tighter to him. He lay there for the longest time, staring at the ceiling, knowing that he had his whole world wrapped in his arms. He could feel Jana relax and a few moments later her soft breathing let him know that she had dozed off. He smiled to himself, knowing that it was their baby that was wearing her out. His baby. His and Jana’s. Somehow they would make all this work – he and Jana and their baby.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again with the due dates!! Trying to fix it all!! 
> 
> I DO NOT recommend writing and drinking - this is what happens..

November 14th..

Jana sat on the exam table, nervously twiddling her fingers and twisting her ring.  She looked up at Michael, narrowing her eyes at him. He  was spinning around on the doctor’s stool, and it was driving her crazy.

“Please stop,” Jana said sharply, causing Michael to cock an eyebrow at her.

‘What’s wrong, baby?” Michael asked, scooting himself closer to her.

“I don’t know but the whole spinning thing is aggravating me.” She waved her hands around in his general direction, huffing as she did so.

“Wow. Mean, pregnant lady. Can’t a lad have some fun?” Michael teased, earning a glare from Jana.

“No, I just-”

Jana was interrupted as the doctor came in, followed by the nurse. The nurse wheeled in the ultrasound equipment, the monitor and such and Jana eyed it nervously.

“Hello Jana, good to see you again,” Dr. Barnes smiled at her, holding out her hand to Jana.  Jana took it, shaking it and smiling weakly at her. The doctor turned to Michael. “And who might you be?”

“I’m the daddy,” Michael said proudly, standing up and taking the doctor’s hand as well. “Michael.”

“Well nice to meet you Michael,” Dr. Barnes said, releasing his hand and opening the chart.  Michael  nodded at the nurse and shifted over to the corner, taking a seat on the chair there.  Jana tried to disguise her eye-rolling as she caught the nurse checking out Michael, clearly having recognized him.  She sighed loudly, drawing Dr. Barnes eyes back to her.

“Everything alright? How is the pregnancy treating you? Any morning sickness, tiredness, etc.?” Dr. Barnes asked, looking up from her chart.

“Yes. Morning sickness, except it’s all day,” Jana said wearily. “Is that normal?”

Dr. Barnes smiled gently at both Jana and Michael before replying, “Oh yes, quite normal.  It should pass around the end of the first semester, but some women have it longer.  How bad would you say it is?” She looked between Jana and Michael, pen at the ready to write something on the chart.

Jana shrugged her shoulders and  looked at Michael, her brows drawn together. He nodded, answering for her. She was simply exhausted all the damn time - bottom line.

“Pretty much everyday. She hardly eats, and when she does it usually comes back up,” Michael said, and Jana nodded in agreement.  “She also says my toothpaste makes her nauseous. Is that normal?”  Michael asked, looking at Jana skeptically.  She literally gagged every time he went to kiss her lately and it was beginning to wear on him, her constantly pushing him away.  Dr. Barnes chuckled, writing things down on her chart before looking back up at the pair.

“Perfectly normal.  Things that don’t bother you before can bother you now, including normal smells.  Toothpaste is common, as is deodorant, perfume, etc.  Don't take it personal, Michael.” She continued scribbling.  “I’m going to get you a prescription for an anti-nausea med, which is perfectly safe to take while pregnant – and hopefully it’ll give you some relief. If it’s to the point where you can’t keep anything down at all, then you need to come in.  While morning sickness – or all day sickness in your case – is fairly normal, we don’t want you getting dehydrated. Try to eat things like crackers, popsicles, mashed potatoes and things like that.  Bland is best, but make sure you get something in your stomach, okay?” Dr. Barnes advised.

Jana nodded and Michael did as well, taking out his cell phone and typing in a note of things to buy at the market. Bread, crackers, popsicles, potatoes.... different toothpaste maybe??

“Other than that, how are things?” Dr. Barnes continued.

“Very tired. I want to sleep all day, and probably would if I didn’t have class,” Jana said, sighing again.

“Again, very normal, especially in the first trimester.  Luckily, you are nearing the end of the first trimester and some of this should pass, or at least your energy should pick up somewhat. What about body changes? Libido? Bowel movements? Urination? That kind of stuff, any changes?” Dr. Barnes asked again, looking between the two.

“Well my breasts are incredibly sensitive and I think they’ve grown a lot. Going to the bathroom normally. Sex….” Jana trailed off, shrugging her shoulders again as she looked at Michael. He had a pathetic, little-boy look on his face, and Dr. Barnes smiled sympathetically at him, having seen it before on many of her fathers-to-be.

“Sexual activity is decreasing?” the doctor asked knowingly. Michael snorted loudly, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

“Decreasing? It’s bloody non-existent,” Michael whined, earning a chuckle from Dr. Barnes. S he leaned over and patted him on the shoulder in a show of comfort.

“Again, normal in the first trimester.  Mom is going through tons of changes and baby is taking away lots of energy. Breast tenderness, tiredness, morning sickness - it all takes away from the allure - if you will - of having sex.  Luckily for you, Michael, the sex usually picks up in the second trimester, which you guys are very close to entering. Just hang in there, okay?” She smiled at Michael, closing her clipboard and moving over to the counter to ready her equipment.

“Okay so we are looking at about 13 weeks now, if we go by your last menstrual cycle. Let’s get you to lay back, and we’ll measure your belly and try to do an ultrasound. See what we can see, okay?”

Jana nodded, laying back and pulling up her shirt slightly. Michael watched from the corner, unsure of whether he should scoot over to her or stay put. He stared at her smooth, pale stomach, not seeing much change other than a tiny hint of a bump there. His fingers almost itched thinking about running his hands over her belly, and up to her full(er) breasts, and then….

“Michael?” Dr. Barnes called, pulling him out of his reverie. “You want to come around to the other side while we do the ultrasound? We should be able to see the heartbeat and the baby.”

“Uh..yeah...right,” Michael said, shaking his head as Jana rolled her eyes at him, knowing exactly what that look was on his face.  He was really aggravating her lately - him and his penis.

He walked over to the far side of the bed, coming up near her shoulder.  He reached down and pulled her hand into his, smiling down at her. Jana stared back up at him, wide-eyed and nervous. Michael brought her hand up to his lips, kissing the back of it softly before lowering it to her chest.

“Okay, Jana. This gel will be a little cold, just a warning. Ready?” Dr. Barnes asked, and Jana nodded, craning her head to look at the monitor. “Don’t worry, once we get our measurements, I’ll move the monitor so you can see better. Oh here goes the gel..”

Jana felt the gel being squirted on her belly and Dr. Barnes moved the ultrasound transducer around, spreading the gel.  Jana looked up at Michael, watching him as he watched the doctor intently. His brow was furrowed as he tried to figure out what was going on, looking from the screen to her belly, and back again. The doctor moved the wand around a few times, and started clicking buttons.  An image appeared on the screen, white and black, blurs and fuzzy areas, and Michael squinted at the screen.

“Is that the baby?” Michael whispered, looking at the image that had appeared on the screen, something that looked like a gummy bear almost.  Jana quickly turned her head, straining to look at the monitor.  She couldn’t really see anything, and what she could see she couldn’t determine what it was. Her brow wrinkled in impatience as she looked back at Michael and then back to the monitor.

“It is,” Dr. Barnes said with a smile, clicking a few more buttons. “Give me one sec and we’ll turn the monitor and discuss what we’re looking at.” A few more clicks and a few more things said to the nurse and then doctor turned around, angling the monitor towards Jana.

“Ok – Jana, Michael – here is your baby.” She pointed at a small area on the screen, the little shape slightly resembling a small human now that they knew what they were looking at. “That is the head of course, and the little legs are forming here,” Dr. Barnes pointed to the tiny legs that were currently wiggling. “You can see baby’s arms here, sort of make out a hand here…” Dr. Barnes pointed again.  Jana looked up at Michael, all her earlier aggravation gone as she watched his face as he watched their baby.  His mouth was slightly slack and she felt his grip tighten on her hand as he leaned forward,  leaning over her to get a better look. Dr. Barnes clicked another button and noise filled the room, akin to what sounded like a horse galloping.

“That’s baby’s heartbeat,” she said, smiling at Jana and Michael. “Heart rate is at 173 beats, which is very good.”

“That’s the baby? That’s his heart?” Michael whispered again, and Jana felt tears prick at her eyes and she blinked them back.  He brought his hand up to his mouth and she watched as he rapidly blinked his eyes. She could tell by the flat line of his mouth that he was desperately trying to keep his emotions at bay, just as much as she was.  She squeezed his hand and he looked down at her, smiling softly before looking back at his baby on the monitor.

“Well we don’t know if it’s a he or she, but yes, that’s the little heartbeat. Let’s see if we can get baby to move a bit, shall we?” Dr. Barnes began moving the probe around, pressing slightly.  Jana watched as the baby seemingly pushed back, tiny little arms protesting at the intrusion. She saw the little head wiggle, the legs pushing out and pulling back in. She was in love. Absolutely in love with this tiny little being nestled deep inside her. More than she ever thought she was before.  She used her free hand to wipe at the tears that were rolling down the side of her face, a wobbly smile forming on her lips.

“We’ll take a few pictures of the baby that you can take with you guys,” Dr. Barnes said, clicking buttons once again.  Jana looked back up at Michael, tears forming anew as she watched his facial expressions.  He glanced down at her briefly, winking as he looked back up at the monitor.  Michael was in awe at what he was seeing, never in a million years expecting to feel what he felt at that moment he saw his child - their child - on that screen. It was definitely real now, more than ever before.

“That’s not hurting him, then?” Michael asked, the concerned daddy coming out as the doctor continued to probe, pressing slightly on Jana’s abdomen as she clicked buttons on the keyboard.

“Oh no. Baby is very safe in there, very protected,” she smiled at Michael reassuringly.  “Ok guys, everything looks good. If you have no more questions, that’ll be it then. I’m going to remove the probe and wipe off your tummy, Jana.  We’ll leave you for a few moments to clean up and straighten your clothing, and we’ll finish up, okay? I'll get your prescription ready and your pictures.”

Jana nodded, laying there as the doctor wiped off the majority of the gel. Dr. Barnes then took her hand, helping Jana to sit up as Michael pulled on the other. The nurse handed Jana some wipes and paper towels, and smiled at them both before stepping out. The doctor grabbed her clipboard, and tucked it under her arm as she reached for the doorknob.

“Okay, guys, I’ll be back in a few moments,” Dr. Barnes said, stepping out and shutting the door behind her. When the door shut, Jana looked up at Michael, blinked hard a few times and then promptly burst into tears. Michael rushed forward, standing in between her legs and hugging her.

“Love, what’s wrong?” he asked her worriedly, kissing her head and smoothing back her hair. "Are you feeling sick, love?"

“Nothing’s wrong,” she sniffled, wiping at her face and nose. “I just can’t believe that was our baby, Michael.”  She sniffled again, and Michael hugged her tighter.

“I know.  Did you see his little legs, baby?” Michael smiled, thinking about his baby kicking his little legs all around. “And his little heartbeat? It was so fast, right? I have never seen anything like that, Jana.”

Jana leaned back, looking up at Michael and blinking her eyes to try and focus through her tears.

“Are you sure you are happy about this?” Jana asked hesitantly.  The baby was one-hundred percent real now and she needed his reassurance.

Michael grinned down at her, his sharky grin that she loved so much.  He brought his hands up and cupped her cheeks, his thumbs brushing away stray tears.

“More than happy, beautiful girl.  I think this may be the absolute best day of my life,” he said, leaning down to kiss her on her lips. “Thank you, Jana.”


	44. Chapter 44

Thanksgiving 2014

Jana sat on end of their bed, staring numbly at the floor in front of her. Michael walked in, slowly closing the door behind him. He walked over to her and quietly sat down next to her.

“You alright, love?” he asked her gently, lightly rubbing his hand on her thigh. 

Jana shrugged.

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No,” Jana stated flatly. “There’s nothing you, or I, or anyone can do. I just want her to leave.”

Michael sighed, rubbing his hand over his chin. Jana’s mother and family had been here for a few days now and it had been an utter disaster. What should have been a nice holiday turned into a fucking nightmare. Jana’s hormones combined with all the unspoken bullshit had taken its toll on her, and she had finally blown up. When Jana had asked Michael if they could come, he had kept his hesitation to himself. He needed to meet her family, and he figured that Jana knew what she was doing. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Since they lived approximately 4 hours away, Jana’s mother had brought along an aunt, the grandmother, and a cousin. Michael had tried to be civil – was still trying – but he couldn’t stand to see Jana going through this bullshit, especially now. 

“Want me to go tell them they should probably leave?” Michael asked, crossing his arms across his chest. “Whatever you want me to do, love, I’ll do it. This is our house, and our family. I can’t stand to see you like this.”

He watched as Jana’s chin started trembling. It broke his heart as he saw her blinking furiously, desperately trying to stay strong.

“Jana? Baby?” Michael asked, running a hand along her back.

“Why can’t she just admit it, Michael? Why does she do that? I feel like I made this all up, like I am a liar,” she whispered, and Michael felt his jaw clench in anger. So now it all made sense, the time Jana had spent in the guest room with her family. Jana had probably tried to confront the woman and she had denied it, which –according to Jana – was par for the course where this woman was concerned. Nothing ever got solved in this family, always brushing things under the rug and pretending like things were fine. What a load of shit. 

Michael stood up, his mind set on what he was about to do. Jana grabbed his forearm and he looked down at her.

“What..what are you doing, Michael?” she whispered, looking up at him with tears in her eyes.

“I’m going to tell them to fucking leave and never come back. I don’t want this shit around you or our child, Jana,” he said, his voice hard with anger. 

Jana shook her head, almost frantically, her eyes wide with fear and worry.

“No! Let me talk to them, please. Let me talk to them.”

Michael looked at her in confusion, sitting back down and turning to face her.

“Jana. I understand they are your family, but they treat you like shit. Why do you put up with the shit, love?” he asked her, his eyes searching her face for an answer. “You are worth so much more, baby. So much more and they can’t see that.”

“I don’t know Michael, they are the only family I have. I think if I try to explain it again, maybe they’ll-”

“We’ll explain it again, Jana. You and I together. I am the one here with you day in and day out, picking up the pieces. They created the mess, Jana. I won’t let them treat you this way any longer. We’ll go out there together, and we’ll solve this together, right?” Michael was asking her, but they both knew there was no room for disagreement. Either way, Jana was too tired – mentally and physically – to put up much of a fight. “Come on, love. Let’s get this over with. Either there’s a resolution or they leave, understand?”

Jana nodded, slowly standing up and taking the hand Michael offered. He pulled her into a tight hug and she buried her face into his chest, inhaling deeply. If she could just stay here forever, she would be content…

“I love you, Jana, more than you know. I only want the best for you. That family out there is not it, love. You deserve better than that, even if you don’t see it now,” Michael said softly, his lips moving against her hair. 

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered into his chest, clutching him tighter. He hugged her back and kissed the top of her chest.

“Of course you do, love. You absolutely deserve me, and I fucking love you, and we’re having a baby, and everything’s going to work out for us. I’ll make sure it does.” He leaned back now, pulling her away from him and cupped her cheeks. “Kiss me, sweetness.”

Jana smiled a wobbly smile up at him, and leaned up on her tiptoes, kissing him softly on his lips. He held her to him a moment longer before releasing her. 

“Let’s go out there and figure this out together,” he said, releasing her but still holding her hand tightly. Jana nodded, chewing on her thumb nail as she followed him out into the living area.


	45. Chapter 45

Jana’s mother and family were all seated on the couch, watching something on television. It struck Michael once again how odd this family was, all this bullshit going on and nobody batted a bloody eye.  He shook his head, walking over to them with Jana in tow. They all looked up, smiling at Michael and Jana.

“Was wondering where you two ran off to,” Reba said.  Jana’s mom looked like an older version of Jana, and Michael thought it unnerving as she stared back at him. He mentally steeled his nerves, knowing he was going to have to be the strong one here. He knew Jana was at the end of her rope right now.

“Yes. We had some things to discuss. We’d like to discuss those things with you, Reba, if you don’t mind,” Michael said, trying to look as apologetic as possible towards the other family members. He felt anything but apologetic at the moment.

“Well I hope it’s nothing serious, Jana?” Reba asked, peering around Michael to her daughter.

“Can you come with us to the guest room again, Reba? This will only take a moment,” Michael said, his voice taking on a hard edge. His patience was running thin.

“Yes, sure,” Reba said, turning to Jana’s grandmother and aunt. “We’ll be right back, okay?” Jana’s grandmother and aunt nodded, while the cousin with the fucking attitude sat there on her phone.  Michael mentally cussed her out, getting more and more aggravated at the way the teen was sprawled out over his couch with her fucking attitude.

“Good,” Michael said, tugging Jana along as Reba followed.  Once in the guest room, Michael closed the door behind them. Reba went and sat on the edge of the bed, while Jana stood awkwardly behind Michael.

“This is all very cryptic, don’t you think?” Jana’s mother asked, looking between the two of them.  Michael pinned his hard gaze on her, his blue eyes blazing. Reba visibly blanched at the harshness she felt directed her way. “What’s the problem?”

“The problem is that you have repeatedly allowed your daughter to be mistreated and have accepted no responsibility for it,” Michael said, his voice low with anger. Reba’s brow furrowed as she looked between Jana and Michael.

“Jana? I don’t know what you’ve told Michael, but he seems to be under-”

“Don’t, mother,” Jana said quietly as she stepped around Michael.  She continued staring at the floor as she spoke. “Everything I have told him is the truth, whether you believe it or not.”

“Jana, honey, we dealt with this stuff a long time ago, don’t you think?” her mother asked, her voice sickeningly sweet as she tried to ignore the tension in the air. “I mean, what else is there to say?”

Jana looked up, her face white against her dark hair.  Her eyes were wide and her voice was unsteady when she spoke.

“Dealt with it? Mother, really? What did we deal with? If I remember correctly, I was sitting on your lap with all the family there and you guys saying that you would get christian counseling for him. For him, because he was confused.” Reba looked at Michael, her cheeks high with color.

“That’s not how it happened, Jana, and you know it.”

“No that’s exactly how it happened. Uncle Bobby caught us, walking by the window that night, and then we were all sitting in the living room. I was on your lap, grandma and grandpa were there, and you guys said you would get him christian counseling. Then you said for me not to tell daddy because all hell would break loose.” Jana looked at her mother, tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. “How could you forget that? You make me feel like I am lying, or I made this stuff up, or that I am losing my mind. How do you forget that happening to your child?”

Reba sat there quietly, not speaking. Michael was getting more and more furious by the minute. What in the fuck was wrong with this family?

“Then when I came home from leave, he was there, and I told you to make him leave. I said either he leaves or I would drive back home. You remember what you said to me, mother? You said _I_ _can’t just tell him to leave_. You couldn’t just tell him to leave. God forbid you should make the child molester feel uncomfortable!” Jana’s voice was rising and Michael reached for her, placing a hand on her forearm which she abruptly shoved off. “And you know what else? Lying to me about daddy being my _daddy_ , when in reality my real dad was locked up in prison. Then sending that motherfucker Aaron to my hotel room in Galveston. You know he almost raped me right?  He slapped the shit out of me and tried to rape me.”

Reba covered her mouth with her hand, her eyes filling with tears herself as she stared up at Jana.

“Don’t fucking cry. Don’t you dare fucking cry. It has been this way all these years, you pretending like it’s no big deal, meanwhile I am doing everything but slitting my wrists as I deal with this on my own. Then you waltz in and out of my life, acting like things are fine. What the fuck kind of mother are you?!?” Jana screamed at Reba, moving to stand in front of her. Her fists were balled at her side and she was shaking. Michael reached forward again, intending to pull Jana back, to try to calm her down. Again she shoved him off. “Don’t, Michael. Don’t fucking touch me. She’s going to hear everything I have to say.”

“I am sorry, Jana. I am so sorry,” Reba whispered, shaking her head.

“You’re sorry? Really? Why didn’t you do anything then?!” Jana screamed again, and Michael closed his eyes. He didn’t know how much more of this he could allow to go on. This couldn’t be healthy for Jana or the baby.

“Jana, baby-” Michael began, only to be cut off.

“Leave me alone, Michael.” Jana said, her voice barely controlled fury. “Tell me why this is okay in this fucking family. I know I am not the only one.”

“Jana, I was raped too,” Reba said, the whisper barely heard in the room.  Michael could almost visibly see the wind get knocked out of Jana. She stumbled back, and Michael caught her, pulling her against his chest.

“Wha…what?” Jana whispered. “What does that mean?”

“Michael, would you leave us? I think I need to talk with my daughter alone. I need to explain some things,” Reba asked Michael, her face wet with her own tears. “Please.”

“Jana? Do you want me to leave?” Michael asked her, turning her in his arms to look at her face. “I need to know that you’re okay, love, before I step out of here. If you want me to stay I will.”

Jana nodded, her brown eyes huge in her pale face. “It’s okay. I need to hear what she has to say.” Michael looked at her carefully, not wanting to leave, but knowing he had to. He kissed her on her forehead and cupped her cheeks.

“I’ll be right outside the door, love. Call me if you need me, right?” he said, looking at her carefully. Jana nodded, and with one last kiss on her forehead, Michael left the two women alone.


	46. Chapter 46

It was a few hours later before Jana finally walked into their bedroom.  Michael was laying on the bed, reading over some possible scripts. He looked up as she walked in, and immediately dropped the papers on the side table. He sat up, catching her as she fell into his lap.

“Jana? Baby, are you alright?” Michael asked worriedly, feeling her shaking in his arms. He wrapped his arms around her, shifting her on his lap so she fit more comfortably.

“No,” she whispered, rubbing her face against his chest.

“Where is your family?”

“In the guest rooms I think.”

“So they aren’t leaving?” Michael asked, not understanding what was going on.

“Probably tomorrow. I don’t know, Michael.”

“Care to tell me what happened?”

“Can we lay down, Michael? I am so tired and I don’t feel well,” Jana asked, trying to get off his lap. He held onto her, looking at her face carefully.

“What do you mean, you don’t feel well? What’s wrong, love? Is it the baby?” Michael asked, his heart beating fast in his chest. He knew all this stress was too much for her. He fucking knew it.

“I just want to lay down, Michael. Please let me lay down,” she said, standing up and crawling on the bed behind Michael.  She pulled her pillow underneath her, and wrapped her arms around it, curling up in the fetal position around the pillow.  Michael lay down next to her, looking at her carefully. She was acting so strange and he was worried about her.

“What do you mean that you don’t feel well, love? I am a little worried,” Michael said, brushing her hair off her face.

“I just need to lay down, Michael. I am so tired and I feel sick to my stomach. Please just let me rest, okay?” Jana said, her eyes closed.  A few moments later and Michael heard her breath even out, indicating she had fallen asleep.  He lay there for the longest, watching her breath, in and out, in and out. He was so fucking worried about her….

* * *

 

“Michael! Michael, please wake up!” Jana was shaking his shoulder, jolting him out of his sleep. He groggily opened his eyes, focusing on Jana in front of him.

“Baby? What’s wrong? What time-”

“Michael something’s wrong. I..I’m bleeding, something’s wrong,” Jana whispered, her voice trembling.  Michael instantly sat up, turning on the bedside lamp and looked at her carefully. His eyes traveled down her body and he saw that there was indeed a dark stain on the crotch of her sweats and his blood ran cold.  Jana looked down at herself, and then back up at him, her eyes filling with tears.

“Michael, please, what do I do?”

He jumped up, grabbing his t-shirt and quickly pulling it over his head. He then grabbed his jeans off the chair and pulled them on, before turning back to Jana.  “Do you want to change, Jana? We need to go to the hospital right now, so if you want to change we need to do it now.”

“Yes...okay…let me-”

“No, you sit there. I will get your clothes. Just sit there, love,” Michael said, walking over to her dresser and frantically pulling out a change of panties and sweat pants. He walked back over to Jana and grabbed her hand. “Let’s go in the bathroom real quick, sweetie. Get you cleaned up and we’ll go to the hospital, right?”

He pulled her up slowly and led her to the bathroom, helping her remove her sweats and panties. There was so much fucking blood, thick and dark, smeared down the inside of her thighs. Michael had to breathe deeply, feeling sick to his stomach thinking that they could be losing their baby. His hands were shaking as he used a washcloth to wipe her clean, the dark red a stark contrast against her pale skin. When he had finished cleaning her, he helped her pull her panties on and then her sweats. He grabbed a towel off the counter, knowing she might need it to sit on in the truck. He looked at her, seeing her swaying slightly as she stared at the bloody rag on the counter top. He grabbed her shoulders, shaking her slightly.

“Jana? Baby? Look at me. We’re going to the hospital right now, okay? Jana?” Michael caught her before she collapsed, quickly scooping her up in his arms. He carried her over to the bed, leaning down to grab his cell phone and charger before leaving the room. He walked through the house quietly, not hearing anyone else moving about. Just as he was about to walk out the front door, Reba spoke.

“Michael? What’s going on? Is my daughter all right?” Reba asked, coming up to them. She touched Jana’s forehead, feeling the clammy skin there and looked at Michael worriedly. “What’s wrong?”

Michael gritted his teeth in anger, looking at the door. This bitch was the reason they were in this mess. She was the last person he wanted to talk to right now.

“Michael she’s my daughter. Please tell me,” Reba persisted.

“She’s bleeding. Heavily. We’re going to the hospital,” he said, beginning to walk again through the door.

“I’m coming with you. Let me grab my purse,” Reba said, running back to the guest room. She appeared a few moments later, shutting the front door behind her. Michael was already in the truck, having situated Jana and buckled her. He was drumming his thumbs against the steering wheel in aggravation, not wanting Jana’s mother anywhere near his girl, but knowing he may need some help. He took a deep breath as Reba climbed in, shutting the door behind her. He slammed the truck in gear and peeled out of the driveway, heading towards the emergency room.


	47. Chapter 47

Jana slowly opened her eyes, blinking at the harsh light. She turned her head, looking around at the unfamiliar surroundings. She saw Michael sitting in a light, blue chair off to her left, his head bent down over arms that were crossed across his chest. She could hear him snoring softly.  She tried to turn the other way, and felt a tug on her arm. Looking down she saw the IV where it was taped to her hand, leading up to the solution bag hanging from the metal hook. She was in the hospital.

Oh God she was in the hospital!

She looked down at herself, seeing the ugly, blue hospital gown, the pale blue sheet covering her legs. Why was she in the hospital?

The baby! Oh God. Oh God!

Jana started panicking, her heart beating faster and faster as her breathing became shallow. The baby!

“Michael! Michael wake up!” she yelled at him, feeling herself hyperventilate. Michael jerked awake, quickly coming to her side.

“Jana, love, you have to calm down,” he said, sitting down next to her and putting his arm around her.

“Why am I here, Michael? Is the baby okay?” she searched his face frantically, looking down at her stomach. The bleeding! She remembered the bleeding. She jerked the covers down and pulled her gown up, looking for any signs of bleeding. She was perfectly clean now, the hospital panties in place. She looked back up at Michael, still worried. “The baby? Is he okay, Michael?”

“Yes, love. The baby’s fine. You just got yourself worked up a tad and the stress caused some issues. They did an ultrasound, and blood work, and everything checked out. The baby is fine, love,” Michael said, leaning over and taking her cheeks in his rough hands. “You have to relax, baby.  School, the stuff with your family – you have to relax.  This was a warning, Jana. You are doing too much. You understand?”

Jana leaned back against the bed, sighing in relief.  Michael smiled at her softly, pulling the covers back up over her legs and tucking them in at her waist.

“How long have we been here?” Jana asked, looking around the room again.

“About 4 hours,” Michael said, looking down at her lap before continuing. “Your mother is here as well.”

“Is she? Where?” Jana asked, and Michael looked up, surprised at her reaction.

“You want her here?” he asked, his brows drawn together in confusion.

“Maybe. I don’t know. We’ll talk about it later. It’s not what I thought it was, Michael. Things were done wrong, but she is not entirely to blame. As an adult I can see that now.”

“Hmmmm…she went down to the cafeteria to get some coffee a few minutes ago,"  Michael said, rubbing his chin between his fingers. “If this is the outcome – you ending up in the hospital – I am going to have to disagree with her being here, love.”

Jana reached forward, cupping his cheek with her hand as she smiled at him. “I love you, Michael, and I love that you care about us so much. I promise that it won’t be like this anymore.”

Michael looked at her skeptically, one brow arched in his usual fashion.

“I promise, Michael,” Jana said, smiling at him still. “I love you.”

Michael looked at her for a moment longer before finally releasing the breath he had been holding, a deep sigh escaping him. He leaned over, placing his head on her stomach and wrapped his arms around her waist. Jana smiled as she ran her fingers through his hair, playing with the curls at the nape of his neck.

“You stay put, little one. Don’t be scaring your mum and I like that anymore, you hear?” Michael said, his voice gruff against her stomach.  Jana felt tears prick at her eyes – happy tears – that she had a man that loved her and their child so much. He looked up, his eyes dead serious as he spoke.

“You have to take better care of yourself, Jana. I have to leave in a few days, and I am worried as fuck. Why don’t you come with me? Take some days off from school and come with me.” Jana pushed the hair back off his forehead and smiled at him again.

“I don’t know about going with you, but I am going to take time off from school. I have up to 8 years to finish this degree, so I am thinking I am going to take a year off at least. Does that make you happy?” she asked, her smile becoming impish now.

“Fucking absolutely it does. Why didn’t you tell me you could do that sooner?” Michael asked, sitting up and staring at her, a hint of annoyance on his beautiful face.

“I wasn’t sure I could do it this way, so calm down, boss man. I only just found out that it would be okay. Others have done it before me, so it shouldn’t be a problem.” Michael huffed a bit as he lay his head back down on her stomach, once again talking to his child.

“You hear that, Jr? Mummy’s going to take time off and take care of you,”

“Jr?” Jana asked incredulously. “You’ve already decided we’re naming him Michael? Really?”

Michael looked back up at her, all teeth showing in that adorable smile of his. The one that melted her. Right now – smiling at her like that – he could probably name their child Elvis and she would agree. Smug bastard.

“Of course. What other perfect name is there that would be fitting for a Fassbender?” Michael asked, his tone cocky with pride.

“And what if it’s a girl? What then?” Jana asked sweetly.

“Michaela, of course," he replied, earning a gasp from Jana, "but we’re not having a girl, so get that out of your head, love,” Michael said, kissing her stomach lightly and laying his head back down.  Jana giggled, thinking how funny it was going to be if they found out they were having a girl. This cocky bastard laying on her stomach now would undoubtedly be reduced to a puddle of mush should a little red-haired, blue-eyed baby girl come along.

“What are you giggling about, love?” Michael asked, his voice sleepy now.

“Nothing, Michael. Nothing at all,” Jana said, smiling to herself as she continued running her fingers through his hair. He would never survive if they had a daughter, two women living in the same household as him. In that moment, she began praying in earnest that they would have a daughter. Fassbender with his _“no girls riding motorbikes”_ and _“I’m too manly to make girls”_ needed to be cut down to size, and their daughter would surely be the one to do it. She smiled down at his unruly head of hair once more, thinking that this man had no idea what he was getting himself into. Jana leaned back, snuggled more into the pillows and drifted off, her mind running rampant with thoughts of Michael chasing after their daughter while she gave him hell...


	48. Chapter 48

Jana was released 2 days later with strict orders of bed rest for at least a week. Michael had already made arrangements with his manager to stay longer as he was hell-bent on making sure she was in bed for the entire week.

“No work, no lifting, no sex, and no stress,” was what the doctor said, and Michael was going to make sure none of those things happened. His first order of business was kicking her family out. Immediately.

After he had situated her in their bed, he walked back out into the living room, his jaw set. Reba and the other women were sitting on the couch, all looking up as he came over to them.

“How is Jana, Michael?” Reba asked, looking past him to the bedroom.

“She’s fine. Look…I think it would be best for you all to leave.  Jana needs to rest, and I don’t think this is the best time to have visitors,” Michael said, his tone leaving no room for disagreement. Reba almost imperceptibly tightened her jaw, and Michael knew she was aggravated. He didn’t give a fuck.

“Okay. We’ll go, but I need to speak with my daughter first, Michael,” Reba countered and Michael stared back at her, his eyes hard. “Nothing serious, I promise. I just want to say goodbye. Please.”

Michael rubbed the back of his neck, mentally cursing Jana’s mother out. Jana had not spoken yet of all that had transpired between the two, and Michael was still highly pissed at this woman. He would remain that way until he heard otherwise.

“Fine, but only you,” he said, looking towards the other women who were staring back in confusion and annoyance. “She really needs to rest,” he ordered, and Reba nodded in agreement.

“Mom, you want to go start packing up? I have most everything done, just make sure we aren’t forgetting anything, okay?” Reba said to Jana’s grandmother before turning to the other two. “Deborah, you too. Go get your things and start loading the car.” All three women nodded, sensing that now was not the time to argue.  After they had gotten up and headed to the guest rooms, Reba turned to Michael. “Thank you. I won’t be long.”

“No you won’t,” Michael said, his tone clipped as he moved to stand before the older woman. “One more thing. Until Jana tells me otherwise, you and your family are not allowed back in my house. Not around Jana, and not around our baby. Do you understand?” Reba tilted her jaw up at him in a move that reminded him of Jana when she was pissed at him and ready to defy him. So that was where she got that from…

“I understand and I deserve your hatred of me. You are a good man, Michael.  My daughter is lucky to have you. I hope in the future I can remedy things and be a part of your family and my daughter’s life. I will do whatever I have to. I am sorry for everything.”

“I am not the one you should be apologizing to, so do save that for another time. Please say your goodbyes and be on your way,” Michael said, staring at her hard one last time before turning away and walking towards the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and watched Reba warily as she walked into their bedroom. If he so much as heard a raised voice he would throw them out himself.  Literally. 

* * *

 

15 minutes later and Michael was ready to storm the bedroom. Reba had still not come out and he was getting highly pissed.  Jana’s family was back to sitting in the living room and to say the air was thick with tension was an understatement.  He did not like feeling uncomfortable in his own home.  Just as he hopped off the bar stool with every intention of physically removing Reba, she appeared in the doorway of the bedroom, pulling the door slightly closed behind her.  She walked over to Michael, shoving her phone in her purse as she looked up at him.

“I appreciate you allowing me to speak with Jana. I hope that we can work things out in the future.  Again, I am sorry for everything. I know I mishandled things, but I am going to try to make things right by Jana.”

“Yes, well I hope you do. For her sake at least,” Michael said, his tone dismissive.  He just wanted these people the fuck out of his house.

“All right then. Until next time,” Reba said, walking towards the door and ushering her relatives along with her. No one said anything to Michael, and he said nothing to them. He shut the door behind them, locking all the locks. He didn’t bother to look out the window to see if they made it to their car, or needed help, or anything. He shut off the lights in the living area and walked over to the bedroom, a smile lighting his face as he saw Jana propped up in bed.

“So you kicked them out, huh?” Jana asked wryly, her lips pursed together. Michael walked over to her, slowly laying down on the bed, flat on his back and stared up at the ceiling.

“Yes.”

“Care to tell me why? Like, could you have asked me first?” Jana asked, her tone clearly indicating that she was aggravated with him. Michael rolled over and stared at her.

“No. They almost caused us to lose our baby. You were in the hospital and we almost lost the baby. I had every right,” Michael said angrily, icy fear gripping his heart once again as he thought how close they came to losing their baby. Jana’s anger dissipated, her eyes softening as she saw just how worried he was.

“Come here, Michael,” she beckoned, crooking her finger at him. Michael slowly crawled up, his brow still creased between his eyes. He lay down on his pillow, scooting close to Jana, but not looking at her face. She leaned over, running her finger over the crease, trying to smooth out his worry. “Michael?”

“Hmmm…” he mumbled, fiddling with the edge of the blanket tucked around her waist.

“I love you,” Jana said, running her fingers through his hair. She tugged, trying to get him to look up at her. “Why won’t you look at me?”

“I am so pissed off, still,” he said, looking up at her now and Jana saw just how upset he was. His eyes were wide and wary, and his brow was still furrowed. “I thought we were losing the baby, love. That’s when I realized how much I wanted him. Before, I was just talking, but when I saw all that blood…” his voice cracked and he looked back down at the blanket, using his fingers to squeeze at his eyes. Jana scooted down, taking his face between her hands and kissing the tip of his nose.

“I love you, Michael, and I am sorry about all of this.  We’re fine now, baby, and we’ll be fine, okay?” Jana said, pulling his face up and forcing him to look at her.

“You have to take it easy, Jana. You have to,” he implored her, his voice rising with fear. “I can’t do that again. I was so scared, Jana. I thought I was losing you, and losing our son, and I…I just…I just can’t do that ever again.” Jana leaned forward, kissing him softly and breathing in his scent. They sat there like that for a moment, both just clinging to each other, their lips barely touching.

“I will, Michael. I am sorry. I was scared too, but we’re okay now, sweetie,” she said, holding his cheeks still. “We’re okay, Michael. The baby is okay, and I am okay, and we’re okay.” Jana continued to stare at him, nodding her head at him until he nodded back. He released a sigh, and Jana could feel him physically relaxing in her hands. He scooted down, laying his head softly on her stomach and wrapped his arms around her.

“I love you, Jana. There is nothing in this world I wouldn’t do for you, or our family. Nothing,” Michael mumbled against her tummy, squeezing her hip as he did so. Jana ran her fingers through his hair, pulling it into spikes and twisting it with her fingers.

“I hope our baby has your hair color,” she said with a smile, continuing to pull at his hair. “And your eye color, and that she’s tall and skinny like you…”

“She?” Michael asked, running his fingers lazily over her tummy that he had exposed after pulling up her t-shirt.  Still flat.  He wondered when she would start showing…

“I think our baby is a she, so yes. I want her to have your reddish hair color and your blue eyes, not my boring brown everything.”

“You are anything but boring, love,” Michael said as he looked up at her, his eyes crinkling as he smiled softly. “Either way, we are having a son, so it doesn’t matter.” Jana grinned down at him, her heart praying for a girl once again.

“What?” Michael asked, looking at her closely.

“Nothing,” Jana said, giggling as she did so. Michael crawled up her body, propping himself up on his arms, looming over her but not quite touching her.  Jana traced her fingers over his chest, reveling in his sharp intake of breath. She looked up at him coyly, an eyebrow arched. Michael arched his brow back at her, shaking his head.

“We can’t do that, love. Doctor’s orders. Tell me why you’re laughing,” he demanded, staring down at her as she continued to giggle. “What?”

“I feel like we are having a girl,” Jana said, giggling again as he moved off of her and flopped on his back.  He threw his forearm over his eyes, taking in a deep breath as he did so.

“Don’t speak of such things,” he mumbled, earning another giggle from Jana. She turned on her side, lying where she could stare at him from her own pillow.

“Why are you so terrified of having a daughter?” She reached over, pulling his arm off his face. “Tell me please.” Michael stared up at the ceiling, his fingers thrumming along his sternum.  Jana could see the muscles in his jaws and forehead bunching as he lay there. “No secrets. Tell me please,” Jana said softly, reaching over and halting his fingers, wrapping her hand around his.

“Because I am a guy, and I have done stupid, shitty guy things, and I know how guys are, and how they think, and I don’t want our daughter to have to grow up in a world like this. Because I think I’ll be a shitty father because I’ve been such a shitty man. I drink, I smoke, I like to party, I'm perverted and irresponsible – all those things. Boys are easy. They grow up to be men. I can handle that. Little girls, I can’t handle that.” Jana blinked back tears, her heart swelling with love for this beautiful man across from her. Such dichotomous thinking from such a strong man, such a successful man. She crawled over to him and snuggled under his arm, now wrapping herself around him as she rested her head on his chest.

“There is no one in the world I would rather have a daughter with than you. Or a boy, Michael. I don’t care. I wish I had a father like you when I was growing up,” Jana whispered, a few tears slipping out. Their child would be so incredibly lucky to have Michael as a father. “We are ridiculous, aren’t we? Both worried about the kinds of parents will be, when we’ll probably be the best.” Michael wrapped his arm around her, hugging her tight to him and kissing the top of her head.

“I still want a son, just so you know,” he said, his hands twisting in her ponytail. Jana giggled again.

“We don’t have a choice now. Besides, it’s the guy that decides what we have. You have the different chromosomes, so whatever we have is your doing.” Michael dramatically sighed again, and Jana giggled again, louder this time.

“I am so glad you find this entertaining,” Michael mumbled under his breath.

“I love you.”

“I love you more,” he said back, tossing his forearm over his eyes again.

“Michael?”

“Hmmm?”

“Do we have any ice?”

“Ice? Doesn’t the fridge make ice?”

Jana fiddled with his shirt, her fingers twisting and picking at the fabric.

“Not that kind of ice. I want crunchy ice, like the kind at the hospital.”

“Does the fridge make that kind?”

“No,” Jana hedged, not wanting to ask him outright. She really wanted some damn crunchy ice. From Sonic.

“Where do I get crunchy ice, love?” Michael asked, resigned to his fate. So this was how the cravings began….

“Sonic has the best.” Michael unwrapped his arms from around her, moving to get up but Jana hugged him tighter. “You don’t have to go…” she protested, albeit weakly. She really needed that ice.

“It’s okay, love. I’ll go and be right back. Want anything else?” Michael asked as he untangled himself from her.  He scooted to the edge of the bed, standing up and grabbing his cell phone and shoving it in his pocket.

“Maybe some Funyuns?” Jana asked, her cheeks reddening as she stared at him out of the corner of her eyes.

“Funyuns? What the hell is that?”

“Chips. Yellow bag. They are like onions.”

“Okay and are those at Sonic?” Michael asked, pulling off his shirt and grabbing a clean one.

“No. They are at the gas station.”

“Okay, ice from Sonic and chips from the gas station?”

“Funyuns, Michael. Funyuns,” Jana corrected him. She did not want him coming back with Doritos.

“Okay ice and Funyuns from the gas station,” he said, looking at her warily. “I hesitate to ask, but is there anything else you want while I am out?” Jana pulled her lower lip out with her fingers, thinking what else she might need.

“Maybe some Reese’s too? The little tiny ones,” Jana said, pinching her fingers together to indicate how small they are. “I think they are called Reese’s minis?”

Michael ran his fingers through his hair, causing it to stick up everywhere. He pulled his phone out and opened up the note feature. He needed to type this shit or he would forget everything. “Sonic ice, Funyuns from the gas station, and Reese’s minis?” he looked up at her before finishing. “The Reese’s are at the gas station, too?”

“Yes.”

Michael finished typing, looking up at her once more. “That all, love?”

Jana beamed up at him and nodded. “Yes. That’s all.” She would swear Michael sighed in relief. 

He walked over to her, leaning down to kiss her. She pulled him closer, her lips lingering on his as she nibbled at his lower lip. “Thank you. I love you.” Michael groaned, pulling back and looking at her. A week was a long time.

“I love you too. Be right back,” he said, standing up and adjusting himself in his boxers. Jana looked down and then back up, smiling at him apologetically.

“Sorry, baby. One week is all we have to do.”

“Yeah. One long ass fucking week,” Michael grumbled as he walked to the door. He was going to grab some beer, too. He was going to need it, what with talk of having a daughter, and cravings, and no sex. Seven fucking days.


	49. Chapter 49

December 17th…

Jana was swinging her legs back and forth, watching Michael with amusement as they waited on the ultrasound tech. Today was the big day – boy or girl. Michael wasn’t spinning around on the stool this time, but was instead sitting in the chair, nervously playing around with his phone. He had thankfully gotten done with work – or took time off, Jana didn’t know – but she was thrilled that he was here for this moment. Even if he was freaking out, she thought to herself with a smile.

“Michael?” 

He looked up at her, his eye brows drawn together in apprehension as she smiled at him.

“You alright, baby?” Jana asked softly.

“Of course,” he stated, his voice sounding an octave higher than normal as he sat up straight in the chair. “Just checking my emails.”

Just then the door opened, and in walked a nurse carrying a clipboard.

“Jana Sears?” she asked, reading off the paper and looking at Jana.

“Yes,” Jana said, smiling at her. Even if Michael was freaking out, she was so ready to see their baby. She had already been feeling tiny movements in her belly, and she was beginning to show more, her pants getting snug around her waist.

“Are you daddy?” the nurse asked Michael, smiling at him as she moved over to the monitor and began pressing buttons

“Uhm, yes I am,” Michael said, mustering up a smile as best as he could.

.The nurse took a double-take, recognition coming over her face as she realized who he was. 

“I’m sorry, sir, but do you know you look just like the guy that plays Magneto in that X-Men movie?” she asked him, her eyes big in her face.

Michael chuckled a bit, cutting his eyes at Jana. “Yes, I get that a lot. Wish it were true,” he finished, shrugging his shoulders and chuckling again.

“No, really, you look just like him,” the nurse continued, shaking her head at him. “It’s crazy..”

“Yes, well he’s not him,” Jana said, getting slightly aggravated. “What will we be able to see today?”

“Oh, I am so sorry ma’am!” the nurse apologized, giving Michael one last look over before turning to Jana. “We should be able to see everything. You’re…” she looked down at the chart, “about 18 weeks along then?” Jana nodded her head. 

“Oh yes, you should see a very good picture today. Are you guys interested in finding out the sex today if we can see it?” she looked between Michael and Jana, her eyes lingering on him again.

“Yes. We want to know,” Jana answered, her voice a little sterner than usual. This little nurse was starting to piss her off.

“Okay, well let’s have you lie back please and pull your shirt up,” the nurse said, turning around and clicking some more numbers on the keyboard. She turned back around to Jana and tucked her shirt up underneath her breasts. “Dad, you want to move to the other side so you can see?” the nurse asked Michael, peering over her shoulder at him. 

Michael swallowed hard, rolling his head around, cracking it a few times before standing up. He walked over to the far side of the bed, and Jana smiled up at him. Fuck but he was nervous. He looked down at her, her small, rounded tummy and creamy skin. He swallowed hard again, closing his eyes as he felt the room begin to spin. As the nurse readied the equipment, Jana reached up and grabbed his hand, squeezing it in reassurance. He opened his eyes and met hers, her happy brown eyes meeting his wary blue ones.

“Relax, please,” Jana said softly. “I love you and it’ll be fine, okay?”

He just nodded in return, the muscle in his jaw ticking. 

“Okay I am going to put some gel on your tummy, Jana. Probably going to be a little cold, so bear with me.” She squirted some gel on Jana’s tummy and began moving the wand around, clicking buttons as she stared at the screen. The sound filled the room again, the sound of their baby’s heartbeat, like a horse galloping through a field. Jana stared up at Michael, her eyes filling with tears again. He was staring at the screen, his brows still drawn together as he concentrated.

“Just a few more pics and measurements, and then I’ll turn the monitor and we’ll have a look at baby,” the nurse said, not looking at them as she continued to click buttons and maneuver the wand over Jana’s tummy. A few moments passed and she turned the monitor towards Jana, moving the wand over her tummy slowly.

“Okay guys, here’s your baby. You can see the heart beating right here,” she pointed to the area where the baby’s little heart was rapidly beating.

“Is it always that fast?” Michael asked, grasping Jana’s hand tighter. 

“Oh yes. Babies grow fast, so their little hearts are beating fast than ours do,” the nurse said, continuing to move the wand around. “See the little fingers and toes, and here’s his little ear.”

“He?” Michael asked, his attention caught now. “Is it a boy? Can you tell?”

“Oh I am sorry. I was just generally speaking,” the nurse turned to him, a small smile on her face. “You guys want to know what the gender is, then? Some couples don’t, so we have to ask.”

“No we do,” Jana said adamantly, looking up at Michael for agreement. “Right, Michael?”

“Uh…yeah…okay,” Michael said, gripping her hand tighter. “Whatever she wants to do…”

“Okay guys, let’s see what we can see,” the nurse said, moving the wand around as she looked at the screen. “Okay, there it is.” She clicked a button on the keyboard again. 

“There is what?” Michael asked, his voice still a little high with anxiety.

“The three lines, what we call a hamburger,” the nurse said, laughing a bit. “You guys are having a girl. You see right there?” she said, pointing to the area between the babies legs. Jana’s face broke out into a huge grin as she wiped at her eyes. She looked up at Michael, seeing him whiter than ever as all the color drained from his face. 

“Michael-”

“A girl?” he whispered, bringing his other hand up to his mouth. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, it’s definitely a girl. Don’t see anything that looks like a penis to me, but we can never guarantee 100 percent accuracy,” the nurse said.

“Right,” Michael said as Jana felt his grip loosen on her hand. “A girl.” He looked down at Jana, his breathing shallow. “I need to sit down. I really need to sit down..” Jana looked at the nurse, unsure of what to do. He was about to fall down if his swaying was any indication. 

The nurse hopped up quickly, grabbing the stool and bringing it around to Michael. She helped guide him down on the chair and pushed him closer to Jana. He leaned over, pushing his forehead against the bed with his eyes closed. Jana ran her fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down as she smiled at the nurse.

“Was not expecting a girl, huh?” the nurse smiled at Jana, and Jana smiled back, shaking her head.

“He’s a little stressed about it, to say the least,” Jana giggled, rubbing the back of his neck as he groaned against the bed. “Michael? You gonna be okay?” 

Jana looked up, realizing her mistake. She had already done it once, and now she did it again. She had called him Michael, and the nurse knew it was indeed who she thought it was. Jana looked at the nurse, her eyes wary. The nurse held up her hands and shook her head.

“We have to maintain strict patient confidentiality. If word gets out, it won’t be from me. I value my job too much, Ms. Sears,” the nurse assured her, her face completely serious now. Jana visibly relaxed, looking back at Michael in concern. 

“Is this normal? His reaction?” she asked the nurse, worried as Michael was still not talking. 

“Not common, but not unusual. Usually when we find out it’s twins the daddies tend to freak out a bit, but not so much with gender. I have had a few moms get very emotional when they don’t get what they were hoping for. Did you want a girl?”

Jana nodded and smiled. “Oh yes! From the beginning I wanted a baby girl.”

“Well you got it, then,” the nurse said, laughing as she turned back to the monitor. “I am going to print these pictures for you guys to take home and we’ll be done. Do you have any questions?” she asked as she looked back at Jana once more.

“No. We’re good, thank you.”

The nurse reached over and grabbed the pictures, handing them to Jana as she stood up. 

“Okay there is tissue for you to clean off with, and you can stop and make another appointment with the front desk on the way out,” the nurse said, smiling at Jana. “It was nice to meet you guys and congratulations.”

“Thank you so much,” Jana said, smiling back at her. The nurse nodded, scooped up her paperwork and headed to the door, closing it softly behind her. Jana looked down at the back of Michael’s head, tousling his hair again.

“Michael? The nurse is gone. Can you please get up? I need to clean this mess off my stomach,” Jana said, trying to scoot out from under him. “Michael?” He just grumbled as she slid out from underneath him, pushing his head off to the side. “You are really being a baby, now…”

Michael finally looked up, his chin resting on his forearms. Jana bit her cheek to keep from laughing at him, poor guy. He stared at the monitor, the blank screen holding his attention.

“Is it really that bad?” Jana asked, wiping her stomach with the paper towels. She slid off the bed, pulling her shirt down and righting her clothes as she looked at him. He was so pathetic right now. Jana smiled to herself as she walked around to him, leaning down and wrapping her arms around him. She kissed his temple before nuzzling his hair.

“Can we go please? You can have your mental breakdown at home and I can eat…”

“It’s a girl,” Michael mumbled, speaking finally. “A bloody girl.”

“Yes, Michael. A daughter. Your daughter.”

Michael stood up abruptly, Jana stumbling back at his movement. He shoved his cell phone in his pocket and turned to her, his face devoid of emotion. 

“You’re right. Let’s go home,” he said, his voice flat. Jana eyed him warily, his strange behavior confounding her. Now he was ready to go? 

“Are you going to be okay?” she asked, sliding her purse along up and on her shoulder, before picking up the photos the nurse had given her. Michael walked to the door, holding it open for her.

“I’m fine. Let’s go, shall we?” he motioned his head at her, beckoning her to come. Jana arched an eyebrow at him, one corner of her mouth turned up in a wry smile. He was acting so weird right now and she couldn’t figure out if he was happy or what. Shrugging her shoulders at him she walked out of the door, heading to the front to make the next appointment as Michael went out to the truck to wait for her.


	50. Chapter 50

When they got home a while later, Jana walked in the house, closing the door before Michael could come in. She was highly pissed now. The whole ride they had not spoken, and his behavior was grating on her now. What the fuck was his problem? This worked up because he didn’t get a fucking penis? Really? She was drinking a bottle of water as he came in, closing and locking the door behind him. She glared at him as she set the water down on the counter.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she demanded, hands on hips. “All this over the fact that it’s a girl instead of a boy?”

Michael held his hands up in protest as he opened the fridge and pulled out a Guinness, cracking the lid off with his teeth.

“We have a bottle opener you know,” Jana said, her voice heavy with disgust at his behavior. When he sat down at the bar stool in silence, she had had enough. This – whatever this was – was not going to work! She grabbed her purse, cell, and the bottle of water before turning to him.

“You better get your shit straight, Michael, or you can just fuck off. I am so damn happy and you are ruining every bit of it. You should be happy too, but instead you’re sitting here, pissing your pants like a child. Get over yourself. Seriously,” she said, her voice cracking near the end. She couldn’t believe he was behaving this way after all the talk of babies they had been having. She stormed off to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her in frustration. She set her things down on the dresser, then sat on the bed, covering her face with her hands as the tears began to fall. 

Fucking hormones! Fucking asshole boyfriend!

She didn’t hear him come in the room, but she looked up in anger as he sat down next to her. She tried to get up but he grabbed her, pulling her onto his lap as she struggled against him, her pushes and shoves ineffective against his strength. 

“Let me go, Michael!” she griped, pushing at his shoulders as she struggled to get up.

“I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry I ruined it for you,” Michael said, pulling her tight to him and mumbling against her neck. “It just scared the shit out of me. I never thought it would really be a girl. I am terrified, you have to understand, Jana.” 

Jana stopped struggling and relaxed a bit in his arms, his words softening her anger. Although she still couldn’t figure it out, he was scared shitless at the fact that they were having a girl. If it wasn’t pissing her off so much she would be laughing at him.

“Why?” she asked, moving so that she was more comfortable in his lap. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, bringing her fingers up to his hair and playing with the short curls at the nape of his neck.

“I told you why before. I feel like I have to grow up, and be responsible, and I don’t know if I am capable of that. A girl is different than a boy, all these things to worry about. Dresses and hair and boys – oh shit boyfriends. She’ll have boyfriends,” he ground out, and Jana bit back a giggle. She leaned back, pulling his scruffy cheeks into her hands as she smiled at him. His eyes were angry now, his mouth a flat line of aggravation.

“Michael, she’s still in my stomach. We’ve still got a long way to go before she’s born. Then an even longer time before she has a boyfriend,” Jana said softly, kissing his nose once, and then again. “You are going to be a wonderful father, and our daughter will love you, and everything will be fine. Please stop, okay? Can we just worry about right now, instead of what might happen 15 years down the road? Please?” She kissed his nose again as he closed his eyes and sighed deeply as he wrapped his arms tighter around her. 

“A girl?” he asked again, opening his eyes and looking at Jana. She smiled and nodded, nuzzling his nose with hers.

“Our girl, Michael. Our girl.”

“My daughter.”

“Your daughter,” Jana said, kissing him on his temple softly. 

“I love you, Jana. I am sorry I’m behaving this way,” Michael said gruffly, looking at her from underneath hooded eyes.

“It’s okay, baby. I forgive you,” Jana said with a grin, kissing him again, this time on his cheek right below his eye. “We have to start thinking of names.”

“Yeah..” Michael said, his brow creasing again.

“You still want Michaela, or were you being weird that day?” Jana asked, her brow arched as she grinned at him. Michael held her back a bit, staring at her.

“What do you think? Do you like that name?” Michael asked hesitantly, and Jana kissed him again on the tip of his nose. He was absolutely adorable when he was nervous!

“I love it, Michael, just like I love you. We still need a middle name though.”

“Why do we need a middle name?” Michael asked her.

“It’s an American thing I think. I don’t know. I want her to have a middle name. Michaela Rose, or Michaela Leigh – something like that. You picked the first name so I think I should get to decide the middle name,” Jana said, scooting over a bit as she tried to get more comfortable. Michael lifted her legs, pulling her closer to him, his palm resting on her thigh. “Am I too heavy for you?”

“You are perfect for me,” Michael said, his voice huskier now as he readjusted her once again. He leaned over, kissing her at the base of her neck, feeling her shiver beneath him. “Every single inch of you,” he said, kissing her along her jaw line and back down to her ear. Michael rubbed his palm along her thigh, down to her knee and then back up to her perfect little ass. 

“What are you doing?” Jana giggled into his hair, squirming underneath him.

“You know,” he whispered against her throat, and she could feel his arousal underneath her bottom. She wiggled again, grinding herself against him. Michael groaned and pulled her tighter to him, nipping at her neck still. 

“Two minutes ago you were having a nervous breakdown, and now you are- oh god Michael!” Jana moaned as his fingers found her sensitive breast. She could barely stand to have him touch her there, her breasts aching. It was pleasure and pain, all at the same time and she didn’t know which was worse. She was so damn sensitive! She moaned again as he removed his hand from her, lifting her up and laying her down on the bed before crawling over her. He kissed her lips briefly before sliding back down her body, kissing along the way. Jana ran her fingers through his hair, pulling at him, needing him closer. “Michael…” she whined, moving restlessly underneath him.

“Calm down, love,” Michael murmured against her bare stomach, kissing the small bump as he pulled her shirt up. He lifted her slightly, pulling her t-shirt off and over her head. Jana lay there, subconsciously covering her stomach and breasts with her hands. Michael shook his head, pulling her hands away from her body. “You are so damn sexy right now. Don’t cover yourself, love.” Michael reached behind her, unhooking her bra and freeing her aching breasts. Jana closed her eyes as her skin became flush under his heated gaze. “This never gets old,” he murmured, bringing his lips down to one taut nipple. Jana arched up off the bed, trying to push herself into his mouth. His perfect, hot, wet mouth…

“Michael….please…” Jana moaned, pushing and pulling at him. Michel circled the rosy nub with his tongue, cupping her to bring her closer to him. 

“Your breasts are perfect, sweetheart,” he said, his voice gravelly and his stubble rough against her sensitive breasts. Jana pushed up against him again, her movements desperate as she squirmed against him. She trapped his hips with her legs, locking her ankles behind his waist. “Tell me what you want, baby,” Michael murmured, his lips now at her other breast. 

“I want you, Michael. Please.” Jana whimpered again, his mouth and hands at her breasts driving her crazy. She lifted her hips, trying to get closer to him, trying anything she could to alleviate the ache between her legs.

“What do you want me to do, baby?” he asked, licking and biting at her neck as he brought his chest down, pressing his hardness against her softness. 

“I want this,” Jana whispered, reaching down and grabbing his crotch. She could feel how hard he was and it only served to make her want him even more. He groaned into her mouth, pushing himself against her hand. She reached up, pushing at his jeans, pulling at the buttons to take them off. “Now, Michael.”

Michael leaned back from her, his eyes heavy with desire. He lifted her up, pulling off her jeans and panties and flipped her over, so that she was on all fours in front of him. Jana could feel herself getting wetter just thinking about what was to come. She felt Michael pull his jeans off, and in a second he was leaned over her, his hard back pressed against her. She pushed back, feeling his arousal at her ass, but not where she wanted it. She moved her hips, trying to find him, needing to find him.

“Michael please!” she groaned, arching again as his hands came around and found her breasts, one hand sliding down between her legs and cupping her. She pushed against his hand, wanting his fingers there if nothing else. She was panting, her eyes closed as she moved against his hand.

“Fuck. You are dripping, sweetheart,” he gritted out, pulling back before grabbing her ass and pulling her to him. Jana moved against him again, pushing at him when she felt him still behind her. What the fuck now??

“Wait. Are you sure this is okay? Like this I mean?” Michael asked, holding her hips still as she continued to try to move. Jana looked over her shoulder at him, impatience evident on her face. He was there, naked and gorgeous, backed up to her ass and holding her hips, and he wanted this conversation now??

“It’s fine, Michael. Really.”

“But-”

Fuck! Jana pulled away from him, turning around and crawling over to him. She grabbed his face, pulling his lips down to hers, biting and pulling at him. She felt his hands come back to her hips, pulling her close to him, and she felt his cock hard against her belly. She pushed at him, indicating she wanted him to lay down and he complied. He turned on the bed, taking her with him as he lay down on his back. Jana quickly crawled over him, straddling him and sliding down on his cock before he could protest. Michael groaned, closing his eyes as he gripped her hips almost painfully.

“Fuck, woman!” he bit out between clenched teeth. He opened his eyes, staring at her as she grinned down at him.

“I had to jump you before you chickened out,” Jana moaned, leaning over and kissing him. Her belly –as tiny as it still was – was getting in the way in this position for sure, causing her to not be able to lean over as far. She grabbed his hands, bringing them to her breasts which he readily cupped and kneaded. “Belly’s in the way…” Jana said, panting as she began to move on him.

“This works for me,” Michael grunted out, watching as she bit at her lower lip in concentration. She was so fucking hot right now, with her breasts full and her tummy slightly rounded and protruding. She just looked curvier to him and he couldn’t get enough of it. Fuck. 

Michael slid one hand down her body, splaying it on her hip as his thumb found her clit, teasing the little nub as she rode him. Jana’s face contorted, her brows drawn together in concentration as she gripped the hand that was holding her breast. He knew she was close, her breath was becoming shallow and he could feel her legs trembling, feel the quivers inside as she moved. He rubbed his thumb a bit harder on her clit, rolling it in circles and he felt her come undone around him, her legs locking in place around his hips. He felt her clenching at him, her walls squeezing him and Michael exploded inside her, unable to hold back any longer. He gripped her hips, pulling her down on him and holding her as he pumped in her, growling as he did so.   
When they both finally stopped moving, Jana attempted to lay on his chest but couldn’t do it with her belly again in the way. She pulled herself off him, and Michael hissed as she did so, still very sensitive.

“Sorry. I can’t lay on top like I used to,” Jana said, laying by his side and resting her head on his chest. His heart was still pounding like crazy in his chest, and hers was much the same. She lightly ran her fingers through the hair on his chest, lazily drawing circles in the coarse hair there as she listened to his heartbeat slowing down. Michael wrapped his arm around her, his hand coming to rest on her hip loosely.

“You should stay pregnant forever,” Michael mumbled, his voice slurred with sleepiness.

“What?” Jana said, looking up at him in confusion.

“It’s the best sex I’ve ever had..” Michael whispered, his voice getting quieter. “I think I might be dying.” 

Jana leaned up on her elbow, looking down at him with a grin on her face, one that got bigger as she realized he had already fallen asleep. His face was relaxed, his mouth slightly parted as his breathing evened out. His forehead was smoothed out, the wrinkles around his eyes relaxed, and his beautiful eyelashes rested against his cheeks. He was simply the most beautiful man she had ever seen. The fact that he loved her and that they were having a child together was hard for her to wrap her mind around still. Just then her stomach growled loudly, the noise filling up the quiet room. She lightly kissed the area above his heart once more before scooting away from him and getting off the bed. She grabbed Michael’s shirt off the floor, slipping it on and then grabbing some comfy yoga pants as well, before heading out into the kitchen to find something to satisfy her empty stomach.


	51. Chapter 51

20 weeks pregnant....or thereabout...

Michael stood back, eyeing his handy work critically as he tilted his head. It didn't look right to him and he couldn't figure out why.  Jana walked up behind him, eyebrows raised as she stared at the crib Michael had just "assembled."  He had been at it for over 2 hours, and Jana had heard just about every curse word imaginable. Not only did he have the crib haphazardly assembled, but he had the pieces of the changing table spread out all over the floor as well.  How he knew what went where she would never know.

"Our daughter is not sleeping in that," Jana said matter-of-factly. "Did you even read the directions?"

"Sort of," Michael said, getting down on his hands and knees to look underneath. "It's on backwards. I think. That piece there."

Jana walked over to the empty box, peering inside and pulling out not only the directions but another piece as well. She held it up, eyebrow raised.

"Does this go somewhere?" she asked him sarcastically. Michael walked over,  taking it along with the directions out of her hand.

"I was looking for that," he said, unfolding the directions and reading over them. He held the piece up in front of the crib, trying to see where it went. Jana rolled her eyes, rubbing her belly affectionately before walking to the door.

"Can you please do it the right way? I don't want our daughter falling out of her bed," she said, her eyebrow arched as she stared at him in annoyance. Why couldn't he have read the directions in the first place? Michael didn't bother to turn around, continuing to look at the directions as he shooshed her with a flick of his hand.

"Go, woman. I know what I am doing," he said, his voice confident in his abilities even if Jana wasn't. 

Jana rolled her eyes once again, leaving the room and heading for the kitchen to get more ice. It was the day after Christmas, and Michael had insisted they put the crib together. Michael's mother had sent the crib as an early present for her granddaughter. Unfortunately his parents weren't able to make it on Christmas day due to a weather delay, but they would be here by tomorrow if the flights held up. At least they could spend New Year's together. Michael wanted the room put together before they got here, even though Jana thought it could wait. She sat down at the bar in the kitchen, chomping on her quickly melting cup of ice. She turned around and stared at the mess that was the living room, getting tired just thinking of cleaning it up. She heard something crash to the ground followed by a loud "Fuck!" and she giggled. Michael was getting his ass kicked by that crib for sure.

"Need help?" she called out loudly, trying to mask the humor in her voice.

"No!" Michael yelled back, the aggravation in his voice apparent.

Jana giggled again, taking another mouthful of ice and chomping on it loudly.  Just then Michael walked out, shirtless,  and headed over to the sink. He was holding his hand up, his t-shirt pressed against it. He quickly turned on the water and  removed the t-shirt, pushing his hand underneath the stream of water, hissing as he did so.  Jana hopped up, immediately concerned, and walked over to him and peered into the sink.

"What happened?" she asked, staring at his hand. His hand was bleeding, a fairly good gash across his palm.

"I cut the shit out of my hand trying to push something into place," he said, not looking at her as he turned his hand under the water.  Jana bit her cheek to keep from laughing. If it was that hard to get it in place then it probably didn't go there, but she wouldn't tell him that right now.

"You need stitches?" she asked him, her voice as serious as she could possibly make it given the fact that she wanted to laugh. Michael cut a sideways glance in her direction.

"We'll wait til my dad gets here to finish it."

"Good idea," Jana agreed, her lips trembling with her effort to not laugh at him.

"You think this is funny?" Michael asked, turning the water off and looking at his hand.  Jana handed him a paper towel, anything to distract him from her face.

"Of course not, baby," she said, turning to him. When she saw the look on his face she burst out laughing, no longer able to hold it in.  Seeing Michael's scowl, she backed away, clapping her hands over her mouth to stop her laughter. "I'm sorry Michael! I can't help it!" She kept backing away, moving into the living room and going to stand behind the couch. Michael said nothing, holding the paper towel to his hand. She watched as he grabbed a large band-aid from the shelf in the cupboard, quickly tending to his "wound." He silently threw away his trash, the bloody t-shirt included, and turned his attention to Jana. He began walking slowly towards her - stalking was more like it - _that look_ on his face taking her breath away.  She swallowed hard.

"You shouldn't laugh when your man gets hurt, love," he said, his voice husky as he came to stand before her. Jana bit her lower lip, staring up at him from under her lashes.  He tilted her chin up, forcing her to look at him.  She worried her bottom lip as she batted her eyelashes at him. Michael grinned, a wolfish grin as he spoke. "Batting those beautiful lashes at me won't work, sweetheart. You are in for it tonight."

"Is that a threat?" Jana whispered, her heart thumping in her chest. Sex right now with Michael was mind-blowing, her body so sensitive and responsive.  Michael's eyes darkened as he stared down at her, trailing his finger over her lips and causing her to shiver.

"That is most definitely a promise, love," Michael said, his timber of voice causing that delicious ache to begin in her lower body. Michael trailed his finger down her neck and ran it along her collarbone She could feel herself getting wetter by the moment, her body positively aching for him. She whined a bit, trying to move closer but he gripped her by her arms, holding her back. He shook his head, his eyes roaming over her body and then back up to her face. "You'll have to earn it tonight, love.  You're in trouble, remember?"

Jana reached down, running her hand over his already hard cock, smirking up at him as he hissed through clenched teeth, his eyes glittering dangerously at her.

"Seems like you're in a state yourself, Michael," she murmured, evading his hand as she reached around and grabbed his ass, running her hand around his perfect cheek.  Just as quickly she released him,  turning and walking towards the bedroom. She pulled off her shirt, dropping it on the floor haphazardly. She turned to Michael, her small hands cupping her full breasts, just barely covering them.  She had no bra on - too restrictive right now - and her breasts were much larger now, at least a cup size or two. She smirked again at his expression, this time one of shock - and desire.  "I'm going to take a shower. If you'd like to punish me for my behavior, that's where I'll be," she said coyly, turning on her heel and walking away.

Michael stood rooted to that very spot, the image of his Jana with her beautiful belly and full breasts taunting him had rendered him speechless. How the fuck did she turn that around on him? He heard the shower come on and his senses returned, his body growing harder as he thought of her in the shower. Waiting for him.

"Oh, fuck this," Michael murmured to himself, walking to the bedroom and stripping clothes as he went. He found her in the shower, her beautiful, full body gloriously wet as she rubbed her body wash over her curves. He pulled the door back, stepping in behind her and wrapping his hands around her belly. He heard her sigh as he ran his hands up and cupped her breasts, rolling her nipples as he did so. She leaned her head back onto his chest, clutching at his forearms.

"You're here to punish me, baby?" Jana murmured, pushing her ass back against his cock and wiggling. Michael hissed again, nipping at her neck with his teeth.

"Indeed I am, love," he growled in her ear, squeezing her breasts in his hand as she moaned and writhed against him.

"Let me make it up to you," she moaned, turning around and pushing him back against the shower wall as she dropped to her knees. Michael groaned at the first touch of her small mouth against his cock, leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes as she took control. She was going to be the death of him, he was absolutely fucking sure of that.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	52. Chapter 52

Approximately 1 year later…

Jana pulled into the daycare, the frost on her windows still there. She put the truck in park and set the emergency brake. She made sure she had all her bags before she got out and went to the back to get the baby out. It was an especially chilly morning and she didn’t want her daughter getting cold. It was wet, and drizzling, and just generally miserable out. Crazy Texas weather…  
She quickly jumped out and climbed in the back seat, closing the door to maintain the heat as long as possible.

“Hi baby girl,” Jana smiled at baby Michaela, and her beautiful little girl cooed back. Tiny little bubbles formed at her lips and Jana laughed, leaning down and kissing her on her soft little cheek. Michaela – or Mikey as she was affectionately called by everyone – grinned back, her two tiny teeth poking through her gums. Jana stilled for a moment, her heart aching as she saw once again just how much her daughter looked like her father. From the blue eyes to that reddish-brown hair, she was the spitting image of her father. Jana imagined that she’d have his smile, the huge one full of teeth, as well. Jana inhaled deeply and clenched her teeth, knowing now was not the time to think about Michael. She needed to get the baby inside before the heat left the truck.

She quickly unbuckled her from the truck, leaving her in the carseat as she removed it from the base. She covered Mikey with a blanket, making sure it was wrapped around enough to keep the cold out before she got out of the truck. Pulling the diaper bag over her shoulder, she grabbed the car seat and hopped out of the truck, moving as quick as possible to the door. Walking inside she was greeted by Mary, one of the daycare workers.

“Morning, Jana,” she said cheerfully, leaning down to pull the blanket back off Mikey. “And how are you, sweetheart?” Mikey cooed back again, drawing her fingers up to her mouth and giggling as Mary tickled her feet.

“Good, Mary, how are you?” Jana asked, reaching down and unbuckling Mikey. She pulled her out of her car seat, kissing her on her rosy little cheek once again before handing her to Mary’s waiting arms. Mary eagerly took the baby, nuzzling her hair as she hugged her close. If nothing else, Jana was so appreciative of this daycare and the staff. The women here were amazing and without this place taking care of Mikey, she didn’t know what she would have done. It had been a rough couple of months, what with everything that had happened with Michael. She mentally shook her head, knowing she needed to get going or she’d be catching all the traffic into campus. With the roads being slick, she wanted to give herself extra time. She was buckling her diaper bag back up and handing it to Mary when Lorena came from the back office. Lorena was the owner of the center, and a very good friend to Jana, almost a motherly figure to her. The older woman walked over and smiled at Jana before patting Mikey’s back affectionately.

“Jana, can I talk with you in the back office for a moment? Just some admin stuff,” Lorena asked.

“Sure,” Jana said, leaning over to kiss Mikey once more. “Bye, baby girl. See you in a few hours.”

Mary picked up the carseat and moved it to the wall before walking down the hall to the nursery. Jana followed Lorena into the office and sat down in the chair.

“What’s up?” Jana asked, crossing her legs as she sat.

“Well, I just wanted to make sure of the custody arrangement between you and your former…”Lorena trailed off, and Jana finished for her.

“Boyfriend. Former boyfriend. What about it?”

“Well, he called here and wanted to check on Mikey and we wanted to be sure that he was on the release form. Just protocol, you know,” Lorena finished, smiling gently at Jana.

“It’s fine. Put him on there, she is his daughter after all,” Jana said dismissively, not wanting to talk about Michael at all. She still couldn’t do it without crying so she just didn’t do it. Period.

“What about visiting her? He asked about that as well,” Lorena continued, writing things down on Michaela’s file.

“Visiting?” Jana asked, her eyebrows drawn together in confusion. “When did he ask about that?” This was the first she’d heard of it.

“Well he called yesterday and we told him we’d speak with you first as you’re the custodial parent. He agreed with that and said he’d call back today. Whether that means he’s coming to visit or not, I have no idea,” Lorena continued. Jana clenched her jaw in aggravation – and a lot of anxiety.

“He can come visit but he will not take her from this center without my consent,” Jana said, watching carefully as Lorena wrote again on Michaela’s file. “As far as information, he can have what he wants. I don’t want to keep her from him.”

“Of course not, honey,” Lorena said sympathetically. Jana stood up, unable to take any more pity, or knowing looks, or anything of the sort. “That’s all we needed to take care of, then.”

“Great. I’ve got to get going. Beat the traffic,” she said, walking to the door as she tried to keep her emotions in check. She smiled stiffly at the other workers on the way out the door, hurrying to her truck as fast as possible. Once inside she broke down, her tears overwhelming her once again. She was still in shock - if she were to be honest - about how things had fallen apart with Michael. She sobbed into her hands, her shoulders shaking as she thought back to the past year and all that had happened….


	53. Chapter 53

 Must listen and watch this video to get the vibe -  <http://youtu.be/06YSwfT5M_c>

 

It had all started unraveling when Mikey was about 2 months old. Michael was filming a new movie and he was gone. A lot. He left when she was 3 days old, then came back for a week, then left again, and then came back for a few days, and on and on and on. This schedule went on for a while before Jana had enough. He always apologized and tried to make the best of their time together, but it was just too much. She was trying to breastfeed and wasn’t successful and didn’t feel she had Michael’s support to not do it. She couldn’t do it. It just didn’t feel right to her, her daughter sucking on her breast.  Jana knew this stemmed from her sexual abuse – she knew this – but it didn’t change the fact and she couldn’t get comfortable with it. She and Michael had quite an argument over that, with Michael storming out and leaving Jana alone with a screaming baby. Eventually Jana developed postpartum depression and that drove an even further wedge between them. Between a crying, fussy baby, the depression, and Michael being gone all the time, things got really bad.

To make matters worse, Jana had no interest in sex when the 6 weeks were up. Michael was ready to go, but Jana felt anything but attractive. Besides, she was always so pissed that he was never there to help. He was always gone and now he had the nerve to pressure her for sex? That had led to yet another fight, one that got really, really bad. That was the first time Jana had kicked Michael out. He had stayed gone for a week that time and she didn’t know where he was. When he came back, they tried to make up, but Jana was tired and wanted help with Michaela and Michael just wanted sex. Or so she thought, and this led to another fight and another day that he left. When he came back, they had tried to have sex, but Jana couldn’t get into it. It hurt, her breasts hurt, she was insecure about her body – nothing worked. Michael got frustrated and went down to a bar and got trashed. When he came home that night, he was drunker than shit. They got into a screaming match and things were thrown. The baby was crying, Jana was crying – hell even Michael was crying that night. The next morning he agreed that they needed a break. It was what Jana wanted and although Michael didn’t want to, he felt it was for the best – at least for now. He had a film he was working on in London, and would be gone for nearly 3 months. Maybe they could get their shit together then, a little time apart giving clarity perhaps.

They thought wrong – or at least Jana did.

She saw the tabloid at the grocery story, and she could still feel that sinking feeling in her stomach. She could still taste the bile in her throat and remembered the feeling of a panic attack coming. She sat in her truck for almost an hour, Mikey screaming in the back seat as Jana tried to compose herself. Michael had been caught with an ex-girlfriend, one that he had an extended relationship with long before Jana.  She called him in the truck and demanded the truth.  Mikey was still screaming in the back seat when Michael admitted that yes, he had cheated on her with that woman.  Jana felt the bottom fall out, her worst fears confirmed.  Michael had apologized profusely, begging her for forgiveness, but Jana couldn’t do it. He said it was one time, and that he was drunk, that he didn’t even remember it.  Jana didn’t care and she didn’t believe him. She had told him to never come back, that it was over. He had cried over the phone, she had cried and Mikey was still crying.  It was over.  Just like that, it was over.

She hadn’t seen him since then and she did not take his calls or answer his emails. She had filed for custody of their daughter and he had agreed, not fighting her on anything. Everything was now handled through the lawyers. Michael paid child support every month - more than he was required - and Jana had gotten a job at the college as an adjunct professor as she finished up her PhD. She still lived in the house they had bought and shared together and life went on. Not the life she envisioned, but what could she do? She was still seeing her therapist and the idea of forgiving Michael had been brought up repeatedly, but Jana couldn’t do it. She couldn’t open herself up to that again. Besides, she had always known it was coming – maybe a payback for her indiscretion with Liam. She just wasn’t destined to have a happy relationship; it wasn’t in the cards for her and Michael.

Mikey was nearly 8 months old, having come early in May and she and Jana had a nice little routine going. She had finally outgrown her screaming fits and Jana got back on her medication to help with the postpartum depression. Christmas was less than 2 weeks away, and although it was bittersweet considering last Christmas, Jana was excited to spend it with her baby girl. She wasn’t sure where Michael was going to fit in the picture, and she was worried with him calling and wanting to come visit. If he wanted to take Mikey from her he could – he had the money and lawyers, and all of it. That thought terrified her daily, the fear of losing her daughter. If she lost her daughter after losing Michael she would have lost everything. He had been repeatedly calling her and she had been repeatedly ignoring his calls, but maybe she needed to answer now that he was calling the daycare center. She didn’t want to rock the boat and force him to do something drastic.

She pulled into the parking lot of the campus, her heart beating rapidly. She needed to call him to find out what was going on. At least put her mind at ease. She parked the truck in her customary spot and picked up her phone, staring at it for a moment as she tried to summon her courage. She hadn’t spoken to him since that morning when they decided to split, and she didn’t know if she was ready. She didn’t want to break down anymore, didn’t want to cry over him. She couldn’t take it, she had to be strong for Mikey. She inhaled deeply, scrolling through her contacts til she found his name. She blinked back tears as she pushed the call button. When it started ringing she placed her hand at her neck, trying to calm her racing heartbeat. He picked up on the third ring.

“Jana? Baby? What’s wrong? Is Mic-” he began, only to be cut off by Jana.

“She’s fine. I am calling because you called the daycare. What’s going on, Michael?” Jana asked, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible. She heard Michael sigh over the phone, relief or what, she did not know.

“I want to see her, Jana,” Michael said softly, his voice sad. Jana steeled herself against him, against the sadness. She had to be strong.

“That’s fine. When would you like to see her?” Jana asked, her tone business-like. How sad that it had come down to this, splitting up holidays and all. Another statistic. Jana's heart lurched as she thought of Mikey growing up in a broken home. 

“I want to see you too, love. I miss you, Jana,” Michael whispered, his voice strained. “Please let me come home and make this right. Please.”

Jana flexed her jaw, clenching her teeth together in an effort to keep her tears at bay. She sucked in a deep breath, her breathing shaky as she fought hard against her emotions, against him. She still loved him, but she hated him at the same time.

“Please, Jana. I know I fucked up. I know this. Please let me make it right. I am so sorry,” Michael continued, and Jana was sure he was crying, his voice cracking. She closed her eyes, willing herself to be strong.

“No. That’s not going to work. When do you want to see her and how do we do this? Do you want to split Christmas day, or what?” Jana asked, ignoring his pleas.

“Split the holiday? Are you serious? Jana – please – let’s just talk about-”

“There is nothing to talk about, Michael. You said everything I needed to hear when you fucked your ex-girlfriend,” Jana hissed, tears choking her. “I hate you. I don’t want to be around you. If you want to see our – your – daughter, then we can make a plan. I don’t need to be there. We can arrange for you to pick her up at the center or something.”

“I can’t do this, Jana. I need you.  I need our daughter. I can’t keep living like this,” Michael pleaded, his voice desperate. “I’ve dropped out of the movie, Jana. The directors thought it best. I quit, I'm taking time off to get my shit straight.  Please let me come home. It might not work between us, but please can we just try?”

Jana pinched the bridge of her nose, her tears soaking her face as they rolled down onto her shirt. So much for makeup..

“I can’t do this. I have to go. I have work. I have to go,” Jana whispered, her heart breaking all over again. She knew this phone call was a mistake. She knew it. “Text me when you decide what you want to do.”

"I’m not going to give up, Jana. After everything we have been through, I am not going to give up,” Michael vowed, his voice gruff with his own tears. “I love you. Always have. I made a stupid, drunken mistake and I won’t stop til I rectify it. I want you and I want our family back together.” Jana choked back another sob, biting her fist to keep herself silent. “I know you still love me, Jana. I know you do. We’re going to figure this out,” Michael continued. “I love you. More than you will ever know and I couldn’t be sorrier. I love you, Jana.”

Jana swallowed hard, choking down that damn lump again. She needed to end this call now. “I have to go, Michael,” she whispered, hanging up before he could reply. She shut her phone down and looked at herself in the mirror. Her face was tear-streaked, her mascara running down her cheeks. She angrily wiped at her face, reaching in her bag and pulling out some tissue and attempted to clean her face. When she had done the best she could at reapplying her make-up, she grabbed her bag and got out of the truck. She made her way into the school and headed for her classroom, praying that this day would end quickly. She couldn’t function when her heart was hurting so bad.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the deal. Guinness + Pearl Jam + that damn pic. I am sorry. Plus I don't like Michael being so perfect all the time - he is a human and I am sure he (has) (would) (could) make this mistake...


	54. Chapter 54

Jana made it through the day for the most part. She tried to not think of Michael. She tried not to think of his words, his pleas to come home. She couldn’t do it. It was still too raw, she was still too angry. She knew if she saw him she’d break down and let him back in and then she’d resent herself for being so weak. She loved him – still – but at the same time she hated him so much. So much for what he had done to her and Michaela and their future. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it, how he could do what he’d done. 

She pulled into the parking lot of her counselor. Today was one of the last sessions for this year, with everyone including Jana going on Christmas break til after the New Year. She grabbed her purse and cell phone and headed in the building. She was right on time and thankfully Karen was waiting for her up front, so Jana didn’t have to wait. They had moved from Dr. Vonn to Karen over the course of the past year, with Jana getting increasingly more comfortable with her therapist. She followed Karen to the back and into her office and sat down on the couch, crossing her legs as she shut her phone off.

“How are you, Jana?” Karen asked, a friendly smile on her face as she opened up her tablet and set it on her lap.

“I’m good,” Jana replied stiffly, trying to keep her voice steady. She was anything but good. Karen looked at her skeptically but didn’t remark on that statement.

“How’s Michaela? I bet she’s getting big since the last time I saw her?” Karen said, speaking softly to Jana. Jana blinked back tears, her emotions bubbling over to the top.

“She’s good. She’s big and chunky and she has two teeth, and….and…” Jana tried to finish but she couldn’t, her tears overwhelming her. She leaned forward and covered her face with her hands, her shoulders shaking as her tears wracked her body. She felt Karen come and sit next to her, her hand rubbing her shoulder in comfort. Jana cried for a few moments, letting it all out. When she finally stopped crying, she looked up at Karen and shook her head in apology.

“I’m sorry. I just couldn’t hold it any longer,” she whispered, still shaking her head as she wiped her nose with the tissue Karen had offered. 

“You don’t need to apologize for anything, Jana. This is where you bring all that stuff, where you let it all out,” Karen said, patting her knee once more before moving back to her chair. “Want to talk about what just happened?”

“I…I spoke with Michael this morning,” Jana whispered, looking at the ground as her throat constricted once again.

“And?” Karen asked.

“He wants to see Mikey, and he asked if he could come home,” Jana continued, glancing up at Karen. “I said no.”

Karen nodded as she wrote on her tablet. 

“He asked if we could try again, and that he was sorry, and that he wanted to come home, but I said no,” Jana continued. 

“Why no?” Karen queried, looking at Jana gently. Jana’s head snapped up, a scowl on her face now.

“What do you mean, why no? You know why!” she whispered, aggravated now. 

“Yes, I do know logically why you would say no, but I want to hear you say it,” Karen pressed gently.

“Because he cheated on me, and I hate him,” Jana hissed, closing her eyes at the mention of what he did.

“Jana, forgive me if I am speaking out of turn here, but let me play devil’s advocate for a moment, okay?” Karen said, leaning forward as she moved closer to Jana. Jana nodded, sniffling again into the tissue. “Remember last year when you had the incident with Liam?” 

Jana looked up sharply, glaring at her counselor. 

“Bear with me for a moment, Jana. I am trying to help, okay?” Karen reassured her, moving closer to her still. “You remember that?”

Jana nodded stiffly. What happened then and what happened with Michael were not the same things. Not even remotely close.

“Did Michael forgive you for that?” 

Jana nodded again, twisting the tissue in her fingers in aggravation.

“He did, didn’t he? It was very hard for him, but he did. You were going through a rough time with him being gone and you turned to someone else if I remember correctly,” Karen continued. “Could you see that perhaps Michael did the same thing, although he went a bit further?”

“That’s exactly my point! I never slept with anyone!” Jana muttered, not looking at Karen. 

“Jana do you think people can recover from affairs? Do you think it’s possible?”

Jana shrugged. “For some people, but not for me.”

“Why? Why not for you?” Karen asked gently.

“Because it doesn’t,” Jana said sharply. 

“But why? What if you gave Michael another chance? What are you afraid of?”

Jana looked at Karen incredulously and shook her head. 

“Are you serious? What am I afraid of?”

“Yes. What are you afraid of? Really deep down, what are you afraid of?”

“That he’ll do it again if I give him another chance,” Jana whispered, tears flowing once again. “That when things get tough he’ll do it again, he’ll turn to someone else.”

“Is that what you did?” Karen asked gently, pushing Jana a bit. “When things weren’t going well, you turned to someone else?”

“Yes,” Jana admitted again, wiping at her eyes. 

“Let me ask you something, Jana. Did you think this was going to happen after what happened with Liam?” 

“Yes. I knew it was a matter of time before he reciprocated,” Jana whispered, her voice bitter now. 

“So you think what he did was a revenge act, not just something that unfortunately happened when too much alcohol was involved?” Karen asked.

“I think he was mad at me for not having sex with him and he turned to someone else.”

“You weren’t having sex, were you? I remember you telling me how bad things were in the beginning, right after Michaela was born. I remember you telling me about the fights, and the screaming and arguments. Did you ask Michael to leave or how did that come about?”

“I kicked him out. After the big fight, it was no longer healthy for any of us. We needed a break,” Jana said.

“So he left, putting even more distance between the two of you, correct?”

Jana nodded, her tears slowing as she listened to her counselor. 

“So, while I absolutely don’t excuse Michael’s behavior - understand that fully - can you see how this could happen? Just like the incident with Liam, can you see how this could happen?” Karen asked gently. “Pardon my language, but it was a perfect shitstorm for this to occur, and you two aren’t the first couple I’ve seen this happen to right after the birth of a child. The nature of Michael’s career makes it even harder to make this work. Does any of that sound reasonable to you?”

Jana nodded, sniffling again as she tried to let the words sink in.

“We all envision childbirth and a new baby being magical and great, and while it is, it’s also a lot of work. You, as the mother are stressed out, your body is aching, and let’s be honest – we do most of the work. Even when the husbands or boyfriends try to help, many times we push them away. Is that a correct assessment?”

Jana nodded, thinking of a few times when she had shoved Michael out of the way to do something for Michaela. He never seemed to do it right, or quick enough, or the way she would have done it. She could have done things differently, she knew that, and it hurt her to think of the way she had treated him in the beginning when he was trying to help. He didn't know anything about babies - anymore than she did. 

“What’s going on right now, Jana?”

“I’m thinking of a time when Michael was trying to change her diaper and Mikey was screaming and I couldn’t take it anymore so I screamed at him and basically told him to get out of my way. To let me do it,” Jana said, her voice breaking again. 

“Could you have handled that differently?” Karen asked gently, touching Jana’s knee lightly.

“Yes. I could have done a lot of things differently. I was so mean to him. I think I was so resentful that he was gone – that he could escape – and I waited til he got home and took it out on him.”

“That’s very good insight, Jana. Very good,” Karen smiled at her and scooted her chair back, picking up her tablet once again and writing something down. “Be honest with me, Jana. What do you want, as far as Michael goes? Whatever it is, whether it’s never seeing him again, or working it out, or whatever. What do you want?”

“I want him back,” Jana said without hesitation, blinking back tears again. She shrugged her shoulders helplessly, staring at Karen in defeat. “I want him back, but I am so afraid.”

“And that’s okay, Jana! That’s perfectly fine to feel ambivalent. Who wouldn’t in your shoes?” Karen said, smiling gently. “Would you be willing to come in with Michael and together you two try to work on things in here?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know when he could, I mean....I’ll have to ask him,” Jana said uncertainly, her brow furrowed in thought.

“He’s willing, Jana. He called me a few weeks back, asking if he could come in alone, but I told him you were the primary client and we needed to let you decide what to do,” Karen disclosed, her eyes gentle. 

“He called? To come to therapy?” Jana whispered in disbelief. She knew how much Michael despised therapy. It was the thing he least wanted to do with her and she knew this.

“Yes. He called and he wants to come in, but he agreed to leave it up to you,” Karen said. “I think you guys have hope, Jana. I think you could work this out, but I can say that all day and be wrong. It’s what you want, and the amount of work you are willing to put into it. It’s going to require a lot of forgiveness, and selflessness, and sometimes doing more work than your partner, but in many cases an affair can actually bring a couple closer. Drawing closer together, rather than pushing apart.”

“I want that. I want him. I want my family back, and I want Michaela to have her dad and mom together. I am so angry though, and I don’t know how to deal with that,” Jana said softly, swallowing the lump in her throat once again. 

“That’s all understandable, Jana. It’s going to be raw for a while – it’s still so new. It’ll take time, but if you’re willing to work, then we can work. Michael is willing, if his emails and phone calls are any indication,” Karen said, laughing a bit. Jana laughed as well, thinking about how persistent Michael could be when he wanted something. He was such a pushy bastard when he wanted to be…

“What are your plans for the holidays?” Karen asked, changing the subject and Jana was grateful for a respite from all that pain. “You and baby going somewhere?”

Jana shook her head. “No. Just staying around here.”

“Is Michael going to be part of the holiday?” Karen probed gently. Jana blinked a few times, her mind running away again. He wanted to be there, but could she do it? Could she handle it?

“He wants to. I am not sure I can do it just yet, but I don’t want Michaela to not have both her parents on her first Christmas,” Jana said, her heart breaking again. She was going to have to give in a little if she wanted her family together for the holidays. As much as it hurt, she was going to have to bend a little. 

“Is that something that you think you could manage? Having Michael around for the holidays? It would be nice for Michaela to have both her parents, I agree,” Karen said, scribbling on her tablet again. “How would you do that, if that were an option? How would you work that out?”

“I guess he could stay with us, maybe in the guest room. At least that way he’d be there on Christmas day,” Jana shrugged, looking for help from Karen. “What do you think I should do?”  
Karen shook her head and smiled gently at Jana.

“I can’t give you that advice or tell you what to do either way, Jana. You know what’s best for you and your family. If you want Michael there for Michaela, you know what needs to be done. That is a decision entirely up to you and Michael, though, how you’re going to work that out. I do agree that this might be a good first step in repairing your relationship with Michael, but it’s entirely up to you two.”

Jana nodded, twisting the tissue in her hand again as she contemplated what to do. 

“Right now, what do you think you will do?” Karen asked, her pen ready. Jana sucked in a deep breath, inhaling deeply and letting it out. 

“I think I am going to call him and see if he….if he..uh…wants to come over on Christmas Eve and spend the next day together. For Michaela, that is,” Jana rushed out, looking at Karen with wide-eyes. Karen smiled back at her as she scribbled on her tablet.

“I think that sounds wonderful, Jana. It’s a good starting point I think. If you and Michael decide you want to start back with couples counseling, we can start after the New Year. I’ll be back on the 5th of January, and we could set something up for that day if you think he’ll be interested?” Karen asked, looking up from her tablet. Jana nodded in agreement.

“Yeah. I think let’s do that. I’ll ask him and if it changes, then we can do something different.”

Karen stood up and Jana did as well, picking up the pile of tissue she had destroyed and walking to the trash can to throw it away. 

“I’m very proud of you, Jana. I think you have made some very good, very insightful decisions, and I know it must have been very hard for you. We’ll continue working in here – as slow or as fast as you want to go, okay?” Karen said gently, holding the door open for Jana. She nodded, smiling at little.

She followed Karen up front and set up the appointment for January 5th for her and Michael, clinging to that tiny bit of hope that was still there. She thanked Karen and wished her a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, laughing as Karen hugged her before leaving. She walked out and hopped in her truck, smiling as she pulled out. She was off til January 5th as well, and she had a precious blue-eyed baby waiting for her to come pick her up.


	55. Chapter 55

Later that evening, Jana had laid Michaela down in her crib, finally get the little princess to sleep. She still fought her sleep, still wanting to be rocked to sleep and Jana found it hard not to. She wanted to curl up in bed with her, her warm, chubby body snuggled up next to her, but Jana knew that would create a monster if she never got used to her crib. As it was the crib was still in the master bedroom - the nursery never really having been used. She reached down and covered her with the blanket and kissed her chubby cheek once more before stepping out of the room. She pulled the door shut slightly, and headed into the kitchen. She reached in the fridge and pulled out some wine, staring at it in contemplation before sticking back in the fridge and pulling out a Guinness. She didn’t even know if it was any good – did beer expire? She had no idea. It was one of Michael’s and she was going to drink the fucker. She popped the lid off and took a swig. Tasted good enough, she thought to herself as she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. She flipped on the television, settling for VH1 and some Teen Mom show. How ridiculous that these kids were having babies at 16? She couldn’t imagine!

She grabbed her cell phone as she took another swig. She had been thinking all day about her conversation with Karen. Should she call him now, or wait til closer to Christmas? What if he was working then, or had made plans to go visit his family? If she waited it might be too late and then he couldn’t make it. She took another long drink, choking down the bitter taste as she pulled up his contact info. She’d go ahead and call him now, toss the idea out, and see what happened. If he said no, then so be it. At least she’d tried. She waited, not breathing as the phone rang. He picked up immediately.

“Jana?”

“Yes,” she said softly, screwing up her lips to keep from breaking down already. It was like as soon as she heard his voice she wanted to start crying. 

“What’s wrong?” Michael asked, his voice concerned.

“Nothing’s wrong. I had a…uh…I had a session today and we discussed the possibility of you spending the day with Michaela and I. For Christmas. So she could have both parents, you know,” Jana rushed out, closing her eyes as she did so.

“Really?” Michael asked, his tone lighter. “You’d let me come back?”

“It’s for Michaela. You can stay in the guest room,” Jana said. "And only for the holidays."

“That’s fine, love. Whatever you want me to do, I’ll do it,” Michael said. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Jana whispered, clenching her eyes at the tears that were ready to fall. 

“I’m sorry, Jana,” Michael said softly, his voice sad once again.

“Don’t. Don’t, Michael,” Jana warned, her voice constricted over that damn lump in her throat. 

“Okay. I won’t push,” Michael replied. “When do you want me to come? I’m in California, was going to hang out with my sister for the holidays, but I can be there whenever you want.”

Jana chewed on her fingernail, wondering what to do. She wanted him to come right now, but she was so fucking pissed at him still. She didn’t trust herself around him, to not say or do something to make matters worse. Could she function with him in the house for more than a day? Knowing what she wanted – him – could she bend that much? She swallowed, squaring her shoulders. She needed to try – at least for Michaela’s sake. She needed her daddy.

“You can come whenever you want. I am off til the 5th, so we’ll just be hanging out here together, Mikey and I,” Jana trailed off, holding her breath as she waited for his response. 

“Monday now, how about Friday?” Michael asked hopefully.

“That’s fine,” Jana replied. “That’ll give me time to straighten out the guest room and stuff.”

“Don’t, love. I can do all that when I get there,” Michael said softly. “Let me help, okay?”

“It’s fine, Michael,” Jana mumbled. She had to get off the phone before she broke down. “Text me when you figure out the specifics.”

“Okay, love,” Michael said and Jana choked down a sob. When he called her love she couldn’t take it…

“I have to go, Michael,” she whispered, her voice strained with tears.

“Alright. Thank you, Jana. I love you,” Michael said, his voice just as strained as hers. “Never forget how much I love you and Michaela.”

“Bye, Michael,” Jana whispered, hanging up the phone before he could reply. She picked up the beer and chugged it down as fast as she could, forcing that damn lump to go down. She hoped she was making the right decision, for both her and Michaela.


	56. Chapter 56

Friday rolled around and Jana was a nervous wreck. She had cleaned, and cleaned - and cleaned some more - til there was nothing left to clean. She had fixed up the guest room, made sure there were plenty of towels in the guest bathroom. Hell, she had even gone and bought more Guinness for Michael after she had cleaned out the fridge and stocked it with groceries. She had changed clothes at least three times - one time feeling too dressed up and one time feeling like a slob. It was cold outside so she finally settled on jeans and a nice, lightweight sweater. She had dressed Mikey in her little baby jeans, a light sweater as well, and she couldn’t be cuter – at least not in Jana’s eyes. She was currently laying down for a nap – thank goodness – and Jana paced the house, letting the dogs out once more. Fuck but she was nervous!

Michael had texted earlier saying he was flying into Austin Bergstrom IA, and that he would just catch a cab to the house, no need for her to come pick him up. Now she was just waiting, his flight having landed over 2 hours ago. He should be here any moment now..

She was staring out at the backyard, watching the dogs when the doorbell rang. She ran over to it quickly, not wanting Mikey to get woken up by the noise. When she opened the door, he was standing there, a timid smile on his face.

“Hi,” he said softly.

“Hi,” Jana said back, her heart beating erratically in her chest. They hadn’t seen each other since the day she kicked him out, over 6 months ago. He was still devastatingly handsome and still took her breath away.

“Can I come in? I’m freezing,” Michael teased her gently.

“Oh god! Yes, sorry, come in!” Jana apologized, opening the door wide for him. He walked in and Jana caught the familiar smell that was Michael and her breath once again escaped her.

“Where’s Mikey?” Michael asked, setting his suitcase down and unzipping his jacket and pulling off his beanie. His hair was a mess, sticking up everywhere. He was absolutely gorgeous still.

“She’s napping,” Jana said apologetically. “I can go wake her if you want?”

Michael shook his head, smiling gently at her. “No, don’t wake her. Let her sleep. I’m going to go drop this stuff in the guest room, okay?” He walked to the guest room and Jana watched him, seeing the muscles in his back bunch as he walked. How she yearned to touch him, to feel his arms around her. Just then one of the dogs barked, reminding her that they were still out in the backyard in 20 degree weather. She hurried over and opened the door, a flurry of doggy toenails clicking through the house. Gunner came trotting in, sniffing the air, noticing a different smell. He ran down the hallway, only stopping when he found what he was looking for. Michael walked out from the back of the house, Gunner walking along his side and wagging his nub. Jana couldn’t help but grin at the dog.

“I think he missed you,” Jana said softly, picking up Squeezy to keep her from barking at Michael. She still hated him. Michael grinned back as he rubbed Gunner on his, scratching behind his ears.

“I missed him, too,” Michael said, coming to stand in front of Jana and looking down at the little black dog in her arms. “That one there – not so much.” Michael bared his teeth at Squeezy and she growled back at him, trying to crawl up Jana’s arms and into her neck to escape him.

“Let me get the little ones in their cages so they don’t wake up Mikey,” Jana said, scooping up Pepper as she walked to the laundry room. She placed both of them in their crates and shut the door. Andre and Gunner were fine so she left them out. She walked back out into the living room and saw Michael still standing there, rubbing Gunner’s ears.

“Can I go see her?” he asked softly and Jana nodded, gesturing towards the master bedroom.

“She’s still in there. I never moved the crib back,” Jana replied.

Michael turned and walked to the bedroom –what used to be their bedroom –and Jana followed a moment later, her heart hurting at this strange situation. She saw Michael leaned over the crib, his fingers gently trailing over Mikey’s head, smoothing down her hair in her sleep. She would probably have outrageous curls like her parents, the kind that cause nightmares when trying to comb. When she stirred slightly, Michael pulled his hand back and leaned over the crib, his arms propped on the rail. She saw his jaw flexing and she knew he was upset. It broke her heart how much he had missed. He stood up and wiped at his eyes with his fingertips. He stood like that for a moment, silently composing himself, before turning around. He didn’t realize Jana was there apparently. He shook his head and walked out of the room, leaving Jana there fighting back tears.

When she had control of herself, she walked out into the living room and saw Michael staring out at the backyard, towards the pool. His arms were crossed and his back was tense, one hand covering his mouth. He turned to look at her briefly when he heard her walk out. Jana could see he had tears in his eyes, and they were red-rimmed already. He shook his head again as he turned back to the backyard.

“I have missed so much…” he whispered, his voice strained. “So fucking much. She’s so big, and she’s different and I’ll never get that back.” Michael bowed his head to his chest, his shoulders shaking and she knew he was crying. She couldn’t resist, she couldn’t take seeing him like this. She walked up behind him and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight. He stiffened momentarily before placing his hands on hers and holding her just as tight. Jana snuggled into his back, her tears soaking his shirt. They stood like that for some time, neither speaking and both wrapped up in their own grief. Only when they heard a yelp come from the master bedroom did they separate, both rubbing their faces.

“Do you want to go get her?” Jana asked softly, and Michael cleared his throat, wiping his eyes once more.

“You sure?” he asked hesitantly. What if she didn’t remember him? As if sensing his concerns, Jana reassured him.

“She’ll be fine. She’s never met a stranger,” Jana said softly, smiling at him. He nodded and walked to the bedroom as Jana went to the kitchen to find something for Mikey to eat. She’d be hungry before too long, no doubt. Probably why she was fussing now. She was digging in the pantry when she heard giggles behind her. She turned and her heart flip-flopped. Michael was carrying Mikey, his mouth at her neck as he tickled her. She couldn’t stop giggling, her little baby laughter warming Jana’s heart. She grinned as she walked over to the two of them, her fingers itching to take her daughter but she knew Michael needed this time.

“I think she’s wet,” Michael said, looking at Jana with wide eyes.

“The wipes and diapers are over there by the couch,” Jana said nonchalantly. No time like the present for him to get reacquainted with changing diapers.

“Really?” Michael asked, sounding a little shocked. He had never really been allowed to change diapers as Mikey would scream the entire time. Jana had mostly taken over the task and he had stepped aside. This was new.

“Yep. Better hurry before she gets fussy,” Jana advised, pulling out a few baby jars of food. She heard Michael sigh deeply and she hid her smile as she turned away from them. This should be interesting.

“Ok, sweetheart, let’s take care of this dirty nappy, right?” she heard Michael say to Mikey. She watched surreptitiously as he laid her down on the couch, hoping and praying he wouldn’t let her roll off onto the floor. She breathed a little easier when he scooped her up and sat on the floor with her, laying her down on the carpet. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but whatever he was doing Mikey liked it – if her giggles were any indication. He pulled off her jeans and lifted up her shirt, undoing her diaper as he did so. He pulled the wet diaper off, leaving her bare bottom on the carpet and Jana had to rein herself in, telling herself it wasn’t a big deal as long as the diaper got changed. He finally managed to get the diaper on –kind of – and he scooped her up again. He carried the dirty diaper with him and tossed it in the trash, and Jana once again wanted to tell him that dirty diapers go in the Diaper Genie but she let it be. One thing at a time…

“Does she need pants?” Michael asked, walking up to Jana with Mikey pulling at his ears. He turned his head and pretended to bite her fingers. She responded by laughing hysterically, laughing even harder when he bit down a little harder. Jana blinked back tears again – happy tears this time – as she watched her daughter with her father. Michael looked back at her, the question still unanswered.

“Uh, no she’s good,” Jana said, turning back to the baby food. “She needs to eat, so it’s going to get messy again. Better to leave her undressed.”

Michael peered around her, looking at the tiny jars of green beans and lasagna, his eyebrow cocked.

“She doesn’t drink a bottle now?”

“Oh yeah, she still does, but she eats baby food as well. Let’s take her to the high chair – try to contain the mess as best as possible,” Jana said, smiling as she walked to the table where the high chair was. She took off the tray and waited while Michael set Mikey down, carefully buckling the straps around her waist. When he was finished, he stood back as Jana set the tray down, locking it in place. She handed one jar of baby food to Michael and set the other down on the table. Mikey was bouncing in anticipation, her mouth making popping sounds for her food. Michael looked at Jana in confusion.

“I think you should feed her,” Jana said softly, flinching as Michael took the spoon from her. She felt his fingers touch hers and she knew he felt it, his eyes intensifying as he stared down at her.

“I think I might take a shower – or a bath – the first one in months, if you don’t mind?”

Michael stood up straighter and nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, go ahead. I think we’ll be fine. Do I feed it all to her?” he asked as he pulled a chair up in front of his daughter, turning it around backwards and sitting down to face her.

“Usually she’ll eat the whole thing – both of them - but if she doesn’t it’s okay,” Jana said, turning away from the two of them. She headed to her bathroom, locking the door behind her. She walked over and turned the shower on as well as the fan, needing noise. Once it was sufficiently loud enough, she slid down the wall by the shower, covering her hands with her face as her sobs wracked her body. This was harder than she ever imagined it being.


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am aware that the angst may be getting out of control, but reality is that when this stuff goes down, it's never easy to put things back together. Bear with me please...

When Jana finally emerged from the shower over an hour later, she was surprised to find Michael on the couch with Mikey in his arms. She was stripped bare, wearing only a diaper, and he was shirtless as well. She walked over to them, her brows drawn together. She started to speak but quit when Michael held his finger up to his lips, shushing her. Mikey had fallen asleep again, her chubby cheeks squished against Michael’s chest. Their daughter had a habit of doing this – fighting sleep one day and staying up all night and then the next day wanting to sleep all day. There was not a set schedule just yet, but the doctors assured her it was fine. A growing baby, they said. 

“Want me to take her?” Jana whispered, holding out her hands. Michael smiled and shook his head, his hand rubbing his daughter’s back softly. “You can probably go lay her down in her crib. She didn’t sleep well last night, so she’ll probably sleep through the night tonight.” 

Michael nodded and stood up slowly, cradling his daughter against his chest as he walked into the master bedroom. Jana sat down at the far end of the couch and covered herself with a blanket. He returned a few minutes later, a smile on his face. 

“I left her naked, but covered her up with her blanket. Is that okay?” he asked Jana, sitting back down on the other end of the couch.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Jana said softly. “How did you end up shirtless?” she teased and Michael grinned back, looking down at himself.

“The both of us got pretty messy. I think I got more on my shirt than she got in her mouth,” he said, grinning as Jana laughed again.

“She can be quite the handful. Trust me, I know,” Jana said, grinning still as she thought about Mikey. 

“I think I love her more now than the day she was born,” Michael said softly, looking down at his lap as he fiddled with the edge of a pillow. “How in the world did we make such a perfect child?” He looked up at Jana and smiled, shaking his head.

“I know,” Jana agreed. “Everyone says she looks just like you and I agree. I was thinking her eye color may change but nope, still blue-eyed and red-hair, just like her daddy.”  
Michael grinned now, looking up at Jana shyly.

“Let’s hope she doesn’t have the horrid hair I had when I was a young boy. She’ll hate me for that,” he said, laughing again.

“I think she’ll be fine, Michael,” Jana whispered, the emotions bubbling back up again. It had been so long since they had sat on this couch and talked like normal people, like people that loved each other. She looked away, wrapping the blanket around her a little tighter. The atmosphere got tense, both feeling it. Michael turned to her and Jana tensed, knowing what was coming. “Please don’t, Michael. So far it’s been good, please don’t ruin it,” she whispered.

“When are we going to talk about it, Jana? I can’t do this,” he said, gesturing to the space between them. “You have no idea how it’s killing me not to hold you, to touch you.” His voice was anguished, his eyes pleading with her to listen. 

“No, Michael, I do. I do know what it’s like. I’ve never stopped wanting that with you, even after….after….” Jana choked up, her tears blinding her as she struggled to get off the couch. She couldn’t say it, couldn’t say what he’d done out loud. It made her physically ill to her stomach – even now she could feel it rising in her throat. “I can’t do this,” she mumbled, unwrapping herself as she stood up. Michael grabbed her by the wrist, looking up at her with his sad eyes once again.

“Please don’t leave me. Please, Jana, let’s just sit together. We don’t have to talk, let’s just sit together. Let me hold you, please,” he pleaded with her and she felt her resolve crumbling. She wanted to curl up in his lap and wrap her arms around him, but the thought of him with that bitch ex-girlfriend slapped her in the face once again. 

“Let go of my arm, please,” she gritted out, not looking at him. 

“No,” he said, just as stubbornly. “Please just sit down with me. Please, just for a little while, baby.”

“Don’t you understand what you did to me?!” Jana screamed at him, lowering her voice immediately as she remembered the baby in the other room. “I can’t stand to touch you, not when you’ve….not when you’ve…Oh god! I fucking hate you!” she cried, as she fell back down on the couch. 

She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t breathe and she was hyperventilating. She vividly felt again that moment in the truck, a panic attack coming on. She could feel it, and she closed her eyes, gritting her teeth as she tried to control herself. She was shaking, her whole body trembling as Michael lifted her up and carried her to the bedroom. He quietly laid her down on the bed, crawling in next to her and covering them both up with the blanket. He curled up against her, wrapping his arms around her as she continued to shake. Her teeth were chattering and she was crying, silent tears that soaked the bed and soaked him. He fought back tears of his own as he held her, rubbing her back as he tried to calm her down. He was so pissed at himself, so fucking angry. How could he be so stupid? In this room were the two girls he cared more about than anything and he had gone and fucked everything up. Michael had never hated himself more than he did in that moment.


	58. Chapter 58

Jana woke up the next morning, the sun streaming through her window. She sat up and blinked, looking around as she tried to wake up. The clock on the bedside table read 943. Fuck! She jumped out of bed and ran to the crib, her heart beating as she saw Mikey wasn’t there. She never slept this late as the baby was always up at 6 or 7 wanting to eat. She grabbed her glasses and stumbled out into the living room, her heart calming down as she saw Michael and Mikey on the floor in front of the television. He had a blanket spread out, the television was on Disney channel, and there were toys everywhere. It looked like he had dragged every single toy out that their daughter owned and brought it into the living room. Mikey was sitting up, leaning up against Michael’s waist as he lay on the floor. She was gnawing on one of her toys, as happy as could be. Neither one of them realized Jana was there, with the baby playing and Michael watching Mickey Mouse. It was fine, everything was fine.

Jana swallowed hard, taking in a deep breath as she retreated back to the bedroom to get dressed. She walked into the bathroom and closed the door. Looking at herself in the mirror she groaned. She looked like complete shit. Her eyes were puffy from crying, her face still blotchy. She stripped off her clothes and tossed them in the hamper before walking back over to the mirror. She never really had time to take a good shower, never able to spend a lot of time alone as Mikey was always with her. She stared at herself in the mirror and grimaced. Although she had lost all her baby weight and then some – she knew she was too skinny – she still had those fucking stretch marks. Her stomach would never look the same. She trailed her fingers over the marks, feeling the grooves there. The dark purple had faded, but she could see the indentations still there. She was almost glad that she and Michael hadn’t made love since the baby was born. She didn’t want him to see what her body looked like now – he’d be disgusted. She sighed as she looked at her breasts that weren’t as perky as before. They were still slightly larger than normal, her milk occasionally coming in even though she wasn’t breastfeeding. She wished she could have a tummy tuck and a breast reduction. Maybe that would solve all her problems.  She sighed again and shook her head, knowing there was nothing she could do about it. She stepped into the shower and let the warm water hit her, trying to calm herself down and prepare for the day ahead with Michael in the house.

 

* * *

 

 When she stepped out of the bedroom, Michael was sitting on the couch bouncing Mikey on his knee as she giggled. He looked up and smiled, leaning over and kissing Mikey on her cheek loudly.

“There’s your mummy now, sweetness,” Michael said, smiling as he stood up. He turned Mikey around and she grinned when she saw her mother, reaching her chubby little arms out for her. Jana took her, snuggling into her neck as she hugged her tight. She looked up at Michael and smiled.

“Did you sleep good, love?” he asked, reaching over and tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear. Jana flinched and Michael’s mouth flattened a tiny bit, her actions not going unnoticed.

“I did, thank you. I haven’t slept in like that for a long time,” she said, walking over to the couch and sitting down. She propped Mikey up on the floor, grinning as she scooted along her bottom to reach a toy. Once she had it,  she rolled over, landing on her back as the toy went straight to her mouth. Michael came and sat next to her, smiling as he stared at his daughter.

“I’m glad, love. I want you to have a break,” Michael said, picking up a toy and tossing over into the pile.

“Do you have enough toys out here?” Jana asked, teasing him. He grinned back and shrugged his shoulders.

“She’s been up since 6, babe. We’ve eaten, changed a diaper, and watched a few episodes of Mickey Mouse,” he chuckled as Jana cocked an eyebrow at him. “A very productive day, if I do say so myself.”

Jana leaned back against the couch and tucked her feet under her, watching Mikey attempt to crawl once again. She could scoot and low-crawl, but she hadn’t yet mastered the art of crawling on all fours.

“I noticed you don’t have a tree yet,” Michael said hesitantly, breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I haven’t had time,” Jana replied, looking over into the empty corner that she had cleared out for the tree. “It’s hard to take her out and all that by myself…” she trailed off, looking at Michael as she realized what she had insinuated. She didn’t want to make things worse between the two of them by blaming him even more. “I’m sorry, Michael, I didn’t mean to-”

“You don’t have to explain, love. It’s my fault and I know that,” he said, interrupting her. “Let’s go get a tree and decorate it. What do you say?” He looked at her, hope in his eyes.  Jana looked down at her lap and then over to Mikey who had rolled over once again onto her back, her feet in her mouth now. Always something in her mouth…

“Jana?” Michael asked again and she looked back at him. She had to try.

“Okay, Michael,” she said softly, smiling at him. He smiled back, a grateful smile.

“Thank you, Jana,” Michael said quietly. He reached over and grabbed her hand, and intertwined his fingers with hers. She looked down at their joined hands and back up at him, blinking rapidly. This was so hard.

“I’m trying, Michael. I really am,” she whispered. He brought their hands up to his lips, kissing the back of her hand softly as he stared at her.

“I know you are, love. I know you are, and that’s all I deserve. Anything else is a bonus.”

“It’s so hard, Michael. It hurts so bad,” she whispered, opening up to him a little more. He glanced over at Mikey and made sure she was okay before he turned his attention back to Jana.  He wanted her to keep talking to him.

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” he said, rubbing his mouth against her hand. “Whatever it takes for you to let me come back home, Jana. For as long as it takes, whatever you need. I realize I made the biggest mistake of my life and I know sorry isn’t enough, but if you just give me a chance to prove myself, I promise I won’t break your trust again. I’ve never regretted anything more in my life, Jana. I swear to you. I never meant to hurt you. I was drunk and it just happened. It didn’t mean anything and I don’t even remember it,” he said, stopping when he saw she was getting uncomfortable. “I’m sorry. I don’t know how far to go with what you want to hear, or what I should or shouldn’t say.”

Jana shook her head. “No, no it’s fine, but I’d rather save that for counseling. Can we do that?”

Michael nodded, smiling a bit sheepishly as he spoke. “Dr. Vonn told you I called, then?” he asked and Jana smiled a little as well.

“Yes. We have an appointment on the 5th of January. That is if you’re going to be here?”

“I’ll be here as long as you let me, love. I’m on a break from everything. None of that stuff matters without you and Michaela, so don’t worry about me leaving. If you’ll let me stay, I’ll stay.” Mikey started whining, and immediately Michael dropped Jana’s hand, jumping up to see what was wrong with his daughter. He scooped her up and handed her the toy she was desperately trying to reach, the source of her frustration.

“There, there sweetheart. Daddy’s got you, and you’ve got your toy, so all’s well, right?” he said, kissing her chubby cheek again as he sat down next to Jana on the couch. He looked over at her and saw that she was smiling at him. “What?”

“You are so good with her,” Jana said, reaching over and tickling her daughter’s foot. She squealed in delight, her little legs kicking on Michael’s lap.

“You had your doubts, then?” Michael teased, shaking his head in disbelief.

“I did,” Jana admitted, laughing as she did so.  She quickly sobered up, though, looking at him in regret. “I didn’t give you much of a chance. I know that now, Michael, and I’m sorry. I was angry that you were gone all the time and I pushed you away when I should have been pulling you closer. For that, I am sorry.”

Michael looked down at Mikey’s head, shaking his head dismissively. His voice was gruff when he spoke and Jana knew she’d affected him deeply with her words. “It doesn’t excuse anything, Jana. Doesn’t excuse what I did, so please don’t blame yourself. You can’t possibly hate me any more than I hate myself right now,” he whispered, his jaw tense.

“I don’t hate you, Michael,” Jana said softly. She hated seeing him like this. She hated the place they were in right now. She wished she could just forget everything and move on. “I still love you.” His head whipped up at that, staring at her in shock, his brows drawn together. She smiled a small smile and shrugged.

“I can’t just turn it off like that,” she said and watched as he blinked back at her. He knew those words. He’d said those very same words to her when he’d told her he still loved her after what she’d done. Jana reached over and rubbed her hand down his jaw, down that beautiful stubble that she had missed so much. He closed his eyes, relishing her touch after so long. He sighed deeply and leaned into her hand, not wanting to lose contact. When she pulled her hand away, he opened his eyes and looked at her. For the first time they both felt hope - hope that they could forgive each other and put things back together. They sat for a moment, both lost in each others' eyes until Mikey decided she had other plans. She kicked off of Michael, arching her back in frustration at being still for so long.

“Oh, you’re angry then, Little Miss? Is that it?” Michael asked her, turning her around in his arms. He lifted her up over his head and brought her down, kissing her before pushing her up again. She chortled,  chubby fingers shoved in her mouth and happy again to be in motion. Just like her father, she did not like to sit still.


	59. Chapter 59

“She’s out,” Michael said, coming back into the living room and walking over to where Jana was putting the finishing touches on their tree.

“Oh good. Finally!” Jana said, picking up the strand of colored lights. They had driven to a local tree farm and spent a few hours trying to find the perfect one, finally settling on an almost 7 foot tall Douglas fir. It was nice and full and Jana loved the smell, the rich smell of fresh cut pine filling up the living area. The needles were already falling off though, and that could be problematic with tiny fingers putting everything in her mouth. Jana was leaning up, trying to wrap the lights around a higher portion of the tree when Michael came up behind her, reaching over her and taking the lights out of her hand. She stood still underneath him as he finished wrapping the lights, her breathing shallow as she felt him pressed against her. When he was done he stepped back, surveying his work. Jana steadied her breathing again, feeling like maybe she was the only one who’d felt that. Was she? He looked totally unaffected.

“It needs something else I think,” Michael said, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully as he stared at the tree. Jana looked around, the mess all over that still needed to be cleaned up.

“Well, I am sorry to tell you this but there’s nothing left to put on, and honestly I think the tree will fall over if we put anything else up there.”

“No. Hold on, I’ve got just the thing,” Michael said, walking into the guest room and coming back a few minutes later. He was holding a small package, neatly wrapped in Christmas paper, a beautiful red and silver bow on top.  He handed it to Jana, grinning almost bashfully as he did so. She looked up at him in confusion.

“What is this? I didn’t get you anything, Michael,” she stammered, unsure of what to do.

“Just open it, please,” he said, his impatience showing.  Jana grinned up at him and began unwrapping the gift. When she finished, she pulled off the lid and smiled at what was inside. There were three ornaments – one for them as a couple, one for Michaela, and one for them as a family, to include the dogs. Jana bit at her lip, blinking rapidly as tears started falling. She looked up at Michael and smiled a wobbly smile.

“Well? Do you like them?”

“I love them, Michael,” she whispered. He reached down and wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb, lingering on her skin a moment too long. She stared up at him, her lips parted. She nervously licked her lips, her breath hitching as she saw his eyes darken. She knew that look and her body reacted in anticipation.  Just as quick as it started though, he ended it and quickly moved his hand and cleared his throat, looking away from her. Jana blinked a few times, annoyance taking over.

“Want to hang them on the tree, then?” he asked, his voice gravelly. He still wouldn’t look at her and Jana felt a little rejected if she were to be honest. A lot rejected, actually. If anyone should be rejecting someone it was her.

“Sure. Here you go,” she said, agitation in her voice as she shoved the ornaments into his chest. He took them and looked at her in confusion. What the fuck had he done wrong now? She marched off to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water as she stood at the bar. Michael walked over to her and set the ornaments down on the counter by her.

“Talk to me, love. What just happened?” Michael asked gently, leaning up against the bar as he stared at her.

“You know what happened, Michael,” she hissed, turning to look at him. “You can fuck someone else but not me, huh?” She glared at him, wiping her face angrily as the tears flowed. Michael was taken aback, his jaw slack as he stared back at her. He looked down at the ornaments, fiddling with the strings as he spoke softly.

“You think I don’t want to make love to you? That I haven’t wanted to since.. since – fuck!– since we were able to? That I haven’t wanted to touch you every day that we have been apart? That I don’t want to haul you off to bed and fuck you right now?” he turned to her, his jaw set with his own anger. “Is that what you think? That I don’t want you?”

“You were about to kiss me, Michael, and you stopped. Why?” Jana cried, her voice cracking again. God she was so fucking tired of crying!

“Because I know you are not ready. Because I know you’ll hate yourself and you’ll hate me more if we do,” Michael said, his voice defeated now. “I know you haven’t forgiven me, and I don’t want to make things worse. I see how you look at me, I see the disgust there, Jana.”

“But what if I say I want to, Michael? Would you then?” Jana asked, moving closer to him. She was still so pissed at him and had no fucking idea why she was entertaining the thought of sleeping with him. She agreed with him - she still had moments where even the sight of him disgusted her. Not all the time, but fleeting moments of contempt.

“Then I would say no, love. I know you don’t mean it,” Michael said softly, regretfully. “I love you, Jana, and I am trying to do the right thing, and that is not it.” Jana stared at him for a moment, her face burning with anger. Michael held her gaze for a moment before looking down again at the ornament. Just like that everything went to shit –again.

“I hate you, Michael. I fucking hate you, you bastard,” Jana hissed, turning on her heel and walking out of the room and into the master bedroom. Michael sat at the counter for a while longer, staring down at the ornaments he had made for them.

“I know you do, love. I know,” he whispered to no one but himself. He got up, grabbing the ornaments and carried them over to the tree. One by one he placed them on a branch, turning them so that they faced outward just right. He sighed deeply, rubbing the back of his neck in frustration. He would just have to keep trying. That’s all he could do.

 

                                                        

 

 

 


	60. Chapter 60

Michael lay in his bed, staring up at the ceiling as he strummed his fingers along his sternum. He couldn’t believe that he was in this house, and that he was sleeping here. Granted, it wasn’t ideal, but it was one step closer to where he wanted to be – back with Jana. Knowing she was just down the hall was killing him, his heart hurting at the situation they were in. He thought back to what had happened, that stupid decision that had led to all this bullshit..

London – August

He had been filming all day with a director that was particularly anal retentive about everything, and it was wearing thin on Michael. He had all the shit at home with Jana and the baby and now he had this shit to deal with. His co-stars weren’t much better, and to be honest he just wasn’t feeling this movie. He wanted it to be done and over and that was very unlike him. That evening he had gone back to his flat that he still maintained and sat around for a while, trying to decompress. He’d called Jana as usual and as usual she’d rejected his phone call and he’d gotten pissed again. They were supposed to be working on their issues now that he had all this time apart, but all he felt was the divide getting bigger and bigger. He was losing her – he knew this. He started drinking at his flat, finishing off the whiskey he had left. When he was done with that, he decided he needed to get completely pissed and headed down to the bar just down the street.

  
It was there that he ran into her. He had dated her for some time, long before he met Jana, and they were on somewhat friendly terms – civil at best- although Michael didn’t trust her as far as he could throw her. She was always on the lookout for the next in with Hollywood, going so far as to stage things or tip the paparazzi off to where she would be. She had done that with Michael, and that ultimately led to their breakup. He didn’t want the cameras in his face all the time – she thrived on it. When she sauntered up to him in the bar, the warnings went off and he should have heeded them, but he didn’t. No, his stupid ass had instead bought her a drink, and continued drinking himself. He didn’t remember taking her home, nor did her remember sleeping with her, although they both woke up naked in his bed, so he assumed it must have happened. She said it did, and Michael had immediately kicked her out. He needed to get to the shoot, but he couldn’t leave with her. So he had her leave the flat a few minutes before him so as not have them seen together, but just as Michael stepped out of entryway, she ran up to him and kissed him soundly on the mouth, wrapping her arms around him. He had yelled at her and pushed her away, his eyes catching site of the paps, but he knew the damage had been done. In Hollywood, perception is everything and if you’re caught kissing someone then you’re fucking them. Just like that.

Did he sleep with her? He had no fucking idea. He wouldn’t put it past her to have made that shit up, but he did wake up in bed with her so he had to assume that he did. Either way, he had an ex-girlfriend in his room, they woke up naked together, and the paparazzi took a picture of them kissing. He knew Jana would see it - it was only a matter of time. What could he do but accept the blame and fess up to what he believed had happened ? Ask the bitch ex-girlfriend for some proof that they had slept together? She got what she wanted – a photo op – and last he heard she was on some reality show now, supposedly looking for love. He wished he could explain all this to Jana, to let her know his side of the story, but she didn’t want to hear it. She believed what she believed and he couldn’t change that until she was ready to hear him. Hopefully in counseling they could get all this out.

Now, did he _believe_ he had fucked that girl? No. No, he didn’t. He remembered feeling disgusted when he saw her face lying next to him on the pillow, his stomach turning as he saw her climb out of his bed and get dressed. She disgusted him and he couldn’t get rid of her quick enough. When she said how much she had enjoyed their night together, he called her a liar and told her she was bullshitting him. She insisted that they had and that it was all his idea. She even pretended to be hurt, although Michael could see right through it – he’d seen it all before with her. He didn’t feel like they had fucked and something just seemed off about the whole situation, but bottom line was he had someone in his flat, who shouldn’t have been there, and it looked like what everyone assumed it was – a drunken night that ended in him fucking an ex. He wished to God he hadn’t had so much to drink that night. If only he could remember what had really happened, then maybe Jana wouldn’t be as mad at him. For right now he’d have to take what she threw at him, suffer the consequences until she was satisfied that he was sorry enough. That’s all he could do. He flung an arm over his eyes, trying to calm his mind so that he could sleep. He knew Mikey would be up early and he wanted to help as much as possible, to give Jana as much time off from mommy-duty. He had a lot to make up for and he intended to do as such.


	61. Chapter 61

He had just barely dozed off when he heard his door open, the light from the bathroom across the hall casting a dim glow. He assumed it was one of the dogs - Gunner probably, pushing the door open - but he was completely shocked when he felt Jana crawl in next to him and curl up at his side. He didn’t know what to do. Hold her? Say something? Fuck! He held still, not moving a muscle as she wrapped her arm around his waist. He didn’t even want to breathe for fear of scaring her away.

“Hug me, Michael,” she whispered against his chest, her lips moving over his skin. He slowly wrapped his arm around her, pulling her in tight. He reached up and held her arm with his other hand, his thumb lightly rubbing against her. “I love you and I am so sorry,” she whispered again, and he knew she was crying. He could feel her tears wetting his chest. He hated making her cry. He fucking hated it.

“You have nothing to apologize for, love,” Michael said, his voice low with his emotion. “I did this. It’s all my fault what we are going through, and I am the one who is sorry. I know you don’t believe me, but I am.”

“No, I do believe you, Michael. I know that you regret what happened. I have been thinking about what happened with me…and you know what happened before…and I know how you feel,” Jana said, drawing her hand up to her mouth. He knew she was chewing on her nail. “Tell me how you got over it, please.”

“Got over it?” Michael asked, his brows drawn together as he thought about what she said.

“Get over me…you know…doing what I did? I want to just forget about it, and move on, but it keeps popping up in my head. I keep imagining things, and then I get so mad and I can’t control it,” she whispered. He could hear the anger in her voice as she was undoubtedly thinking about it again.

“I don’t think I got over it, really. I have thought about it, and it pisses me off, but I just make a choice, I guess. I love you, more than I want to be mad about what happened. I know that I can’t have both, so I choose to love you instead,” Michael said simply. That was the Gods’ honest truth and he knew of no other way to put it.

“It still bothers you?” Jana asked.

“Sometimes, yes.”

“Wow.”

“What?” Michael asked, rubbing her arm once again. He would take any bit of physical contact she would allow – even if it was just rubbing her arm.

“I didn’t know. You never say anything, or act like it,” Jana answered, rubbing her cheek against his bare chest.

“Would you rather I did?” he teased but Jana didn’t see the humor.

“I have always thought you were going to do it to me, to pay me back for what I did to you,” she disclosed, her voice small in the too quiet room. So there it was – the truth of the matter. She had been waiting for him to do this, to somehow in her mind give her what she deserved. He closed his eyes in regret and grimaced. He had never wanted her to feel that way. He never had any intention of _paying her back_ , as she so put it.

“That was never the case, baby. Never. What happened in London was me drinking to the point of blacking out and somehow ending up in bed with someone who I used to know.” He felt her stiffen underneath him but he continued. She needed to hear what he had to say. “I don’t know if we slept together or not. I honestly don’t. That woman is known for doing things that would better her career, and what better way to get back in the headlines than to have an alleged affair with an actor?”

“Michael…” Jana began, only to be interrupted by him.

“Please let me finish. Please,” Michael said, his voice calm still. “That’s why we broke up before – she would tip off the paparazzi when we’d be somewhere. I don’t trust her, not one bit. I honestly don’t think we had sex – I think she made it up in order to get the paparazzi there for a photo-op. I kicked her out of the room and she left. When I went downstairs to go to work, she came back around the corner and jumped on me, kissing me and hugging me. I could see the paparazzi taking shots across the street,” Michael continued, his voice bitter. “Now she’s magically landed some reality television show where she’s apparently trying to find her next boyfriend. Coincidence? I think not, but I can’t say for sure.” Jana lay there, her eyes closed tightly shut at the image of Michael in bed with someone else. She had to just stop thinking about it. Michael wasn’t done yet, though.

“My mistake that night was drinking too much, Jana. I don’t remember a fucking thing about that night. Last thing I remember was seeing her at the bar but I was fairly buzzed by then. When I woke up the next morning, yes, she was there. I immediately kicked her out. That’s when the whole paparazzi deal happened.” He pulled her off him, rolling her over on her back as he stared down at her. She still had her eyes closed and he knew it was because of the subject matter at hand. He had to tell her everything, though. Maybe it would change things for them. He had to try.

“Baby, look at me,” he said softly, waiting for her to open her eyes. “Please, Jana.” She slowly opened her eyes, wet with unshed tears, and stared up at him. He could see the pain on her face and it was killing him. “I don’t know if I slept with her. I could ask her for the truth, but I know she’ll lie. It’s who she is. I do know that I got pissed beyond belief and that was my mistake, and for that I am sorry. I should have never gotten drunk like that and then I would have never met her again. Hell, I should have never gone to that bar,” he said, his voice lowering again. “I should have never left here, baby. I never wanted to go and I should have never left.” Jana’s eyes popped open at that last sentence and she stared back at him defensively.

“Do you blame me for that? That I pushed you out, made you leave?” she asked. Michael shook his head at her, a sad smile still on his face.

“No. I don’t blame you. I left because - at the time - I thought it was the best thing for us, but I know I couldn’t have been more wrong. I didn’t know what to do with a baby, I didn’t know how to help you. I always felt like I was in the way and that you were constantly irritated with me,” he said, looking away from her and Jana felt a deep stab of sadness at how she had made him feel. She had no idea he had perceived things that way. It was never her intention to make him feel that way. She reached up and cupped his cheek, turning his face back to her. He wouldn’t meet her eyes and she blinked back tears. He had done what he did – or maybe hadn’t done – but she had contributed to this mess. She realized that now, more than ever.

“Michael, baby, look at me,” she said, gently rubbing his cheek with her thumb. He took a deep breath and looked down at her, shrugging his shoulders in defeat.

“I don’t know what to do, or how to fix this. I just don’t, love,” he whispered, his breath hitching on the last word. He closed his eyes and buried his face in her neck, and she could feel his tears there. She started crying herself as she stroked his back and his hair, both of them crying for what they had lost and for what they both so desperately wanted back. It just seemed like an impossible mountain to climb right now…

Jana turned her face to Michael’s, kissing his temple and around his ear. She pulled at his head, forcing him up and he looked down at her, blinking rapidly. She reached up and wiped at a wet spot on his cheek, smiling softly as she did so. He looked back at her, his expression pained and conflicted.

“Kiss me, Michael,” she whispered, her finger tracing along his lips that were still wet with his tears. He shook his head, and tried to pull back, but Jana held him fast. “I know what I am doing. Kiss me, please.”

“You don’t have to do this, Jana. We have-”

He was interrupted when Jana reached up and claimed his lips, pulling him back down with her. He struggled for a moment, indecision weighing heavily on him as he debated whether this would make things worse for them. When she pulled his bottom lip in between hers and began sucking on it he knew it was over. He was lost and fighting was going to be futile. He had to take his chances with her, just like she was doing with him. He reached down and cupped her cheeks, taking control of the kiss as he rolled them over. He positioned her so that she was straddling him and Jana moaned into his mouth, her hips moving against him. He gripped her thighs to hold her still, her movements making him so hard it was almost painful.

“Baby…Jana, baby…we need to slow down..” he mumbled, his thoughts escaping him as she continued to grind against him. She pulled back slightly, staring at him with wide eyes glossy with desire.

“Why?” she asked breathlessly, leaning down to kiss him again, but he held her back slightly.

“Because I want it to last with you. We’ve not made love in so long, and I don’t want to ruin it,” he whispered, now tracing her lips with his thumb. That beautiful, gloriously-full lower lip that he loved so much. “Let me make love to you, Jana. We have all the time in the world, let me do it right. Please.” She stared at him for a moment, chewing on her lip as she thought about what he’d said.

“Please,” he said softly.

Jana nodded, smiling a bit as he allowed her to lean down and kiss him, Both knew they had time now, time to explore each other after having been apart for so long. Time to make up for all the hurt, and this was a language that always made sense to them. What they couldn’t say in words they could say with their bodies. Michael kissed her softly, his tongue tracing the outline of her lips before sliding in her mouth, tangling with hers. She moaned into his mouth and it only urged him on, his hands sliding up to cup her breasts. God how he had missed this, the feel of her body beneath his hands. He kissed her hard once more and then slid his lips down her jaw, sliding along to the column of her neck. He kissed her at the base of her neck, sucking lightly and causing her to squirm against him. He could feel her heart beating erratically in the pulse at the base of her throat, her breathing ragged as much as his. He pulled her shirt up, sliding it along her back as he pulled it off. She sat there on top of him, straddling him in her bra and he just had to stare for a moment. He could see in the dim light that her lips were swollen, her hair a mess and her breasts heaving. She caught him staring and subconsciously covered her stomach, and turned away from him.

“Love..what is that about?” Michael asked, pulling her hands away gently.

“My stomach is disgusting, Michael,” she whispered, not looking at him. He used her hands to pull her down to him and he kissed her again, trying to take away any doubt she had about her beautiful body. He rolled them back over and rose up on his knees, his hands holding hers out to her side.

“You are glorious, sweetheart. Nothing on you is less than perfect,” he whispered, kissing her neck again. He traveled down her sternum, dropping kisses along the way to her breasts. He could see her nipples straining against the flimsy fabric of her bra. He reached around the back for the clasp and his brows drew together when he didn’t find one. He leaned back and looked at her in confusion. She smiled up at him and drew one of his hands up to the front of her bra, where the clasp was waiting for him. Comprehension set in and he grinned, quickly undoing the clasp and pulling the bra off. He tossed it on the floor and leaned back down, his breath hot against her skin.

“That’s a bloody brilliant invention there, love,” he whispered against her breast, his lips hovering just above it. She arched her back into him, wanting his mouth on her, needing it. He obliged, running his tongue around her areola, just skimming her taut nipple. She groaned, freeing a hand from his and tangling it in his hair, pulling at him.

“Michael! Please..” she urged, her voice strained with need. He grinned, leaning down and flicking her nipple with his tongue – just the tip – and she yelped, arching her back even further. He opened his mouth and took her in his mouth, his tongue swirling around the hard peak, sucking and biting as she moaned against him. He ground his hips against her, his arousal straining in his sweats. She moved against him, wrapping her legs around him as she tried to get closer. He continued tormenting her breast, licking and laving one with his mouth and palming the other with his hand. He released her breast and traveled down her body, sliding along her stomach and to her navel. He felt her tense up when he got close to the lower half of her abdomen, and she reached down and tried to pull him back up. He shook his head against her, removing her hands and holding them still. He knew she was self-conscious about her body but he had no fucking idea why. She turned him on now more than ever.

“Please don’t touch my stomach, Michael,” she whispered, her voice fearful.

“Why?” he murmured against her navel, dipping his tongue in and delighting at the shiver that produced.

“It’s gross. I’ve…I have stretch marks,” she mumbled and he thought it sounded like she might start crying again. He quickly moved up her body, silencing her with a kiss.

“So do I, baby. So does everyone,” he murmured against her lips, nuzzling her nose with his. “Yours came from our daughter, and that is beyond sexy to me, sweetheart. There’s nothing wrong with your body and I find you just as sexy today as I did the first time we met. Never doubt that. You are beautiful beyond measure.” Jana stared up at him, insecurity still heavy on her mind, but she couldn’t linger on it long. The feeling of Michael’s hard chest pressed against her breasts was driving her wild, that spot between her thighs aching for him. “Trust me, love. You’re perfect,” Michael assured her, leaning down to kiss her once more before hopping up. He leaned back on his heels and pulled her sleep pants off, sliding them along with her panties off and throwing them on the floor with everything else. He quickly stripped his off as well and tossed them as well. He crawled back over her and nestled himself in between her legs as he nuzzled her lips again. She was so wet. He could feel it against his body, the heat there driving him insane. She squirmed against him, tensing her legs around his waist as she undulated against him.

“Michael…please…” she whimpered, her eyes closed and breathing heavy. “I just want you inside me right now. Please.”

He reached down and grabbed his cock, positioning it at her entrance and slowly pushed in. She moaned immediately and he stilled, wondering if he had hurt her. He leaned up on his forearms and looked down at her, concern on his face. She opened her eyes, smiling up at him.

“It’s fine, Michael,” she said softly, her eyes widening as he pushed in even further. She was so fucking tight again, her body so warm and snugly wrapped around him. Damnit! He breathed in through his nose, deep breaths meant to calm him down and hopefully slow him down. He pushed in further, pushing til he could go no more and Jana sighed in relief, her legs already trembling at his side. He leaned his forehead down against hers, trying to steady his body. All he wanted to do right now was bury himself in her, over and over again, but he knew he needed to be patient. Jana began rolling her hips, her fingers sliding up and down his back as she moved. She was biting her lower lip, her brow creased in concentration and Michael knew she was close. She began panting, her hands tangling in his hair as she pulled at him. He began slowly thrusting, being cautious not to hurt her as he did so. He reached down and grabbed her leg below her knee, pulling her up around him as he began moving quicker, pushing in and pulling out. The sounds of their lovemaking – the wetness and the sweat and moans – filled the room, both moving towards a long-awaited release. Michael pressed into her a little harder, making sure to move his body so that his lower abdomen would rub against her clit as he did so. Her legs began trembling even more, her breathing becoming even more ragged as she clawed at his back.

“Michael..I…oh God!.” Jana cried, her orgasm tearing through her body. She arched up off the bed, her legs clamping around him. He kissed her, absorbing the scream that came as he continued to slam into her. Her body clenching around him  so tightly triggered his own release. He grunted into her neck as his body slammed into her, his cum shooting into her in hot spurts. He held her tight, his hand gripping her thigh as he continued moving, his body twitching still. When he had nothing left inside him, he slowed, his hand releasing the grip on her thigh. Jana relaxed and let her legs fall out to the side as Michael buried his face in her neck. Both were breathing heavily, both desperately trying to get enough air in their lungs. Jana lazily stroked his hair, his curls damp with sweat and she smiled.

“I love you, Michael,” she whispered into the darkness, her heart happy for the first time in a long time.

“I love you more,” he mumbled against her neck, his beard tickling her and causing her to giggle. He leaned up and stared down at her sleepily, his mouth set in a lopsided grin. “You have no idea how happy I am right now.”

“I do, if it’s anything like what I am feeling,” she said, cupping his scruffy cheek tenderly. “I miss you.”

“I’ve missed you so much, baby. I felt like a piece of me was always missing. I can’t function without you, Jana,” Michael whispered, his voice strained once again. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against hers. “I’ll do whatever it takes, love. Whatever you need me to do.” Jana smiled, pushing his face up again and forcing him to look at her. She lightly traced his cheekbones, her fingers trailing over his strong jaw and up to his ears.

“What are you doing, babe?” Michael asked, smiling at her.

“Remembering how much I love your face,” Jana replied, grinning back at him. Michael’s smile got bigger, all his teeth showing in that sharky smile that she had missed so much. “Especially that,” she said, touching his lips with her fingertips.

“It’s all yours, sweetheart. As long as you’ll have it, it belongs to you,” Michael whispered, leaning down to kiss her once more, but was interrupted by a loud yell from the next room. He leaned back and looked at Jana, smiling as she smiled up at him.

“It’s your turn, Michael,” she said slyly, trying to bit her lip to keep from grinning. He grinned back down at her and shook his head, leaning down to kiss her soundly once more. Another yell came from the master bedroom and he laughed. “I told you she didn’t sleep normal.” Michael pulled out of her slowly and sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed and standing up.  Jana admired  his perfect backside as he walked over to grab a towel off a chair and wiped himself down before pulling his sweats back on. He caught her staring at him and he cocked an eyebrow. She smiled back and shrugged her shoulders.

“Do I bring her in here?” he asked, bringing the towel to Jana. She took it, covering herself with it as she nodded at him.

“I’ll get cleaned up and we can go to our bedroom if you’d like?” she asked him with a smile. He grinned back again, this time even bigger.

“Our bedroom,” he repeated and Jana nodded, smiling still.

“Our bedroom.”

“Ok I’ll meet you there, then?” Michael asked, walking to the door. “Does she need to eat, or what happens in the middle of the night? It’s after 1…” he trailed off, looking to Jana for guidance.

“You can give her a bottle of water. I am trying to wean her off milk at night, but it’s a slow process,” Jana said, getting up and wrapping the towel around her. She scooped her clothes up off the floor and headed out to the bathroom. “I’ll get the bottle and meet you there. She probably needs to be changed.”

“Okay. I’ll go and get her,” Michael said, stepping out of the room and heading down to their bedroom.

Their bedroom, he thought with a grin. They were heading in the right direction finally. He walked in the room and laughed out loud at the expression on his daughter’s face. If a baby could be pissed off, it was Mikey right now. She was gripping the crib bars as if she were in jail, her little brows drawn together in aggravation. When she saw Michael, she smiled, bouncing up and down on her bottom and opening and closing her tiny hands in anticipation of being picked up. He reached in and gently lifted her out, holding her close and loving that baby smell that she had. He patted her bottom – definitely wet. He grabbed a nappy and wipes and carried her to the bed and laid her down. He began pulling off her tiny sleep pants and she screamed, just like the old days.

“Hush now, sweetheart. It’ll be over before you know it,” Michael said, his fingers moving quick as he changed her. He was more sure of himself this time as she wasn’t so little and fragile. He made quick work of her diaper, rolling it up and putting on a new one before Jana made it in to the room. She smiled when she saw him and Mikey laying on the bed, with Mikey trying to crawl around. She handed the bottle of water to him and he gave it to Mikey who gladly brought it to her lips, greedily sucking down the contents. Jana crawled into bed and snuggled under the covers, staring at her two most favorite people in the world.

“Does she sleep with us, then?” Michael asked, looking over at Jana.

“She can. She has, but I try not to. I am trying to get her used to sleeping alone, but I am failing miserably at it, apparently,” Jana grumbled. Michael shook his head at her, smoothing down his daughter’s hair as she lay next to him.

“You are doing everything perfect, love. She’s happy, and beautiful like her mummy, and perfect,” he said, looking back over at Jana.

He smiled when he saw she was already asleep, her mouth slightly parted. He could only imagine how exhausted she must be all the time. In just the little time he’d taken care of their daughter, she had exhausted him!  How Jana managed to do this every day on top of work and school was beyond him. Mikey hiccuped and Michael picked her up, patting her gently on her back. She reached for his ears again and giggled. Michael sighed. She was not ready for sleep at all. Guess his daughter got being a night-owl from him too…


	62. Chapter 62

Jana opened her eyes sleepily, the room still dim. Michael wasn’t in the bed with her and so she sat up, looking around groggily. It was after 9am – fuck but she was sleeping in too much. She grabbed her glasses and looked at the window, seeing the rain pelt that glass. Hmm…another dreary, wintery day in North Texas. She heard Mikey laugh loudly from out in the living room and she smiled. Michael had her. She didn’t remember when she had felt so relaxed and so relieved with her child out of her sight. She climbed off the bed and headed to the bathroom where she brushed her teeth and put her contacts in. She glanced over herself, smiling at that feeling in her body reminding her of last night. She didn’t regret not one bit of what had happened. Yes, she and Michael still had their problems, but they were on the right track. She loved that man and today she was making that choice to love him more than she wanted to be mad at what he might have done.

When she finished in the bathroom, she walked out into the living room, grinning as she did so. Michael was again laid out on the floor, wearing nothing but his sweat pants as Mikey crawled all over him. He grinned when he saw Jana come over to them, lifting Mikey up as he sat up.

“Kiss me, woman,” he demanded and Jana grinned at him as she leaned down to kiss him.

“You are bossy this morning, Mr. Fassbender,” Jana teased, tousling his hair before she curled up on the couch. Andre and Pepper batted their eyes at their owners before laying back down to sleep some more. It was one of those days.

“You’re beautiful this morning, babe,” Michael replied, setting Mikey down near a pile of toys. He came over to the couch and laid down, resting his head in Jana’s lap as he looked up at her. She smiled down at him and ran her fingers through the mess that was his hair. He was so damn handsome, all ginger beard and messed up hair. “I love you,” he said softly, reaching up to rub her jaw with his fingers.

“I love you, more,” Jana replied, leaning down to kiss him softly. They stayed like that for a moment, all they were allowed, as Mikey started whining. Jana moved to get up but Michael hopped up first, walking over and scooping up his daughter quickly. Jana watched his muscles stretch and move as he lifted her up over his head, that beautiful taper that was his waist. Would she ever get tired of looking at this man? He walked over and sat down next to her, helping Mikey stand between his legs.

“She’s a handful, love,” Michael said, laughing as she started doing what looked like squats as she held on to his knees.

“She gets it from her daddy,” Jana teased, resting her head against Michael’s shoulder. He kissed her on her temple, nuzzling her hair as he did so.

“When does she take a nap?” Michael asked.

“Usually around 10. Why?” Jana asked, watching as their daughter stood on her chubby, wobbly legs.

“Because I want to get back in bed with her mum,” Michael said, causing Jana to gasp. Michael kissed her on her temple again, laughing as he did so.

“You are a pervert, Michael,” Jana said. “Thank you for helping me with her.”

“Nonsense, babe. She’s my daughter as much as yours. It’s my job,” he replied, his voice getting softer. “I have a lot to make up for, Jana, and I intend to.”

“It’s okay, Michael,” Jana began, only to be cut off by Michael.

“No it’s not. I fucked up, and royally,” he said, gently easing his daughter down to the floor. She quickly began scooting away, crawling towards a toy that she wanted. Jana reached over and placed it closer to her, just far enough that she would have to reach for it. Michael turned to her, pulling one leg up underneath him. Michael sitting on the couch next to her with bed-head, shirtless, and wearing nothing but sweats was almost too much for her to take. She could feel her cheeks heating as she stared at his chest, not able to meet his eyes.

“I’m going to make it up to you, Jana,” Michael continued, drawing Jana’s attention back up from his happy trail. “I feel like a right prick, but I’m going to continue doing what I have to do to make it up to you.” He reached over and kissed her, his lips lingering on hers for a moment. When he pulled back he leaned his forehead against hers, his eyes closed as he sighed. Jana rubbed his scruffy face, delighting in the feel of him once again in her arms. They were interrupted when Michaels’ phone buzzed, the sound echoing in the quiet room. He reached over and grabbed it, grinning as he did so.

“It’s my mother,” he said, sighing dramatically. Jana laughed as she stood up to grab Mikey before she crawled too far.

“Better take it,” she said, scooping Mikey up. “I’m going to go change her. Be right back,” she said, walking into the unused nursery for more diapers. When she came back, Michael was reclined on the couch, one leg tossed over the side and his head propped up on a pillow as he spoke to his mom.

“Yes. I know, mum. Hmmm…” he said, smiling as Jana walked back by him. She started to sit down in a chair when Michael shook his head and motioned her to come to him. He lifted up, allowing her to slide in under him. He laid his head back down on her lap, smiling up at her. Jana held Mikey as long as she could before releasing her once again. She grabbed the first toy she could find and shoved it in her mouth.

“Yes…..she’s right here…..uhm-hmmm…I know…she is,” he said, grinning as he craned his head to look for Mikey. “Chewing on something at the moment…still red hair, mum…”  Jana smiled down at him as she tousled his hair, twisting it into sharp little spikes.

“Yes, blue still…not going to change, I don’t think…I don’t know….you’d have to ask her….right here, with me, yeah…” Michael said, looking up at her and smiling.

“You want to talk to my mum?” he mouthed, holding his hand over the receiver. Jana shrugged and mouthed back “If you want.”

“Yeah…yes I know, mum…you want to speak with Jana? Yes….hold on…” Michael said, handing his cell to her. He sat up and walked over to Mikey, scooping her up and kissing her on her neck. She erupted in giggles, causing Jana to laugh as she spoke into the receiver.

“Hello, Adele. How are you?” Jana said into the receiver, grinning at Michael and Mikey.

“I'm wonderful! It's so good to hear from you! How are you dear?” Michael’s mother replied.

“I’m good actually. Really good now, thank you,” Jana said softly. She and Adele had maintained their relationship despite what had happened with Michael, and Jana had come to count on the older woman’s wisdom.

“Michael says you two are working through your issues, then?” Adele asked lightly, and Jana laughed at the woman’s tone. “What?”

“Yes, we are working through our issues,” Jana said, laughing still. Adele beating around the bush was comical. “I knew it was only a matter of time before you asked, is all.” Michael's mother laughed at that statement, her intentions being quite obvious.

“You know how happy that makes me, dear,” Adele said, and Jana could hear the grin in her voice. “I am sure Michael is too, as much as I chewed his ass for all of this.”

Jana laughed loudly, causing Michael to turn and stare at her, his eyebrows raised. She shook her head at him, continuing to laugh.

“He never said anything about that,” Jana said, causing Adele to snort in a most un-lady like manner.

“No, I’m sure he wouldn’t. He caught quite an earful, dear. Even though I don’t think anything happened with that whore, he should have never been there in the first place,” Adele bit out, her voice turning bitter. “She was always one trying to latch onto Michael, using him as a stepping stone. Quite disgusting and I don’t know what he ever saw in that woman.” When Jana didn’t reply, Adele noticed the silence and spoke again, this time more gently.

“I’m sorry if that was too much, Jana. My temper gets the better of me,” she said softly. “Tell me, love, how are you really? Are you okay? I know it’s been rough for you…” Jana sniffled, her emotions getting the better of her. Michael looked at her curiously now, his eyes somewhat wary. What the fuck was his mum going on about if it was making Jana cry?

“No,” Jana shook her head dismissively. “It’s okay. It’s a touchy subject, but I think we are on the right path. I know I did not help out at all. I love Michael, and I am so happy he’s back.” Michael grinned back at her as Jana smiled at him, his heart slowing down somewhat.

“He loves you, Jana. Never seen him so miserable, moping the way he did,” Adele chuckled and Jana giggled, scooting over as Michael wandered back over with Mikey in tow. He sat down next to her and propped her feet up in his lap, setting Mikey in the middle of them.

“Is that my granddaughter?” Adele asked, sounding emotional herself now. “I so would love to come see her, or for you all to come see us.”

“I could talk to Michael, see what he says. I am off til January 5th, but I don’t know what his schedule is,” Jana said, looking at Michael. So damn gorgeous he was, his eyes seeming to sparkle today with happiness.

“Do let me know, dear. We can arrange to come there if you’d like? I know it’s Michaela’s first Christmas and you probably want to spend it in your home, so we can come if you’d like?” Adele asked, her tone hopeful. Jana nodded as Michael looked at her curiously.

“Hold one minute, let me ask Michael, ok?” Jana said, pulling the phone away from her mouth after Adele had agreed. “Your mom wants to come here for Christmas? What do you think? It’s Mikey’s first Christmas and I kinda want to spend it in our home, but it’s up to you…”

Michael grinned as he leaned forward and kissed her soundly on the lips. He took his phone from her and spoke into the receiver.

“Yeah, you all come here, right?” Michael said, smiling at Jana as she smiled back. She took Mikey from between them and propped her up on her chest, kissing her below her chubby chin as she tried to calm her whining.

“No it’s good, I promise. You and dad come here. It’ll be easier than trying to travel with the baby anyways,” Michael continued, running his hands through his hair in frustration.  “Yes. Okay, sounds good. Just let me know,” he continued. “Okay. Love you too, mum. Will do. Okay…..okay…okay bye.” He hung up the phone and turned to stare at Jana as he let out a deep sigh. “My mother is something else, right?”

Jana giggled, releasing Mikey back down on the floor where she continued to whine.

“I think she’s hungry,” Jana said, moving her legs off Michael’s lap as she stood up. “She’s probably ready for her nap as well,” Jana finished, her cheeks heating at the thought of what she and Michael could do once the baby was asleep. She looked away from him before he saw her embarrassment, but he was too quick. He stood up, pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly.

“I’ll get her a bottle and put her to bed, right?” Michael murmured against her hair, rubbing her back slowly. He pulled her back so that he could look down at her, grinning at her embarrassment as he kissed her on the tip of her nose. “Then I can take you to bed, love?”

Jana groaned and buried her face in his chest, her face hot with embarrassment. The man had seen her give birth – what the fuck was she embarrassed about? Michael chuckled and pulled her back again. He cupped her cheeks and kissed her softly once more, only to be interrupted by Mikey screeching. She was thoroughly pissed off.

“Go wait for me, sweetheart. Let me get our daughter before she screams the house down, right?”

“You sure, Michael?” Jana protested, wanting to help. “Let me at least make her bot-” She was interrupted by Michael’s fingertip on her lip as he shook his head.

“No, babe. Go wait for me in bed,” he ordered softly and Jana’s breath caught, the intensity in his eyes going right to the pit of her stomach. She nodded at him as she pulled away, looking at Mikey once more as she headed off to the guest room. They needed to move that crib out of the master bedroom immediately.


	63. Chapter 63

Jana rushed into the guest bathroom and quickly began washing her face and trying to make herself presentable. She snorted, shaking her head at herself in the mirror. Presentable? Why the fuck was she so nervous?? The only difference between this time and last night was the fact that it was morning time and there would be light, no matter how much she tried to hide it. She pulled up her shirt, looking at her stomach in dread. What was once smooth and blemish-free was now marred with light pink lines, a reminder of her pregnancy. She had slathered on every single cream she came across - from vitamin E oil to some stuff that was supposed to be the best - but nothing stopped the marks from appearing. She grimaced at herself in the mirror, wondering what Michael would say if she decided to keep her shirt on this time. She didn’t have long to think as he pushed the unlocked door open, startling her as he came in the bathroom. She quickly pulled her shirt down and turned around, her cheeks flaming once again in embarrassment.

“I was wondering where you went, babe,” Michael said huskily. He sauntered up to her, his eyes glittering dangerously as he moved closer. Jana felt her breath catch, the way he was looking at her rendering her speechless. He was so damn sexy and it had been too long that he had looked at her like that.

“Come here, you,” he murmured, reaching her and pulling her into his arms. He leaned down and kissed her softly at the corner of her mouth, his hands tangling in her shirt at her lower back. He began moving across her lips, nibbling and nipping as he slowly pulled her shirt up from the back.  Jana immediately panicked and reached around, pushing her shirt back down. She couldn’t do this in the bathroom in this bright light. No way.  Michael pulled back and stared down at her curiously.

“Jana? What’s wrong?” he asked, leaning back even further to stare at her. Jana shook her head and tried for a convincing smile.

“Can we just go to the bedroom?” she asked, her voice slightly higher pitched than normal. Michael immediately knew something was wrong.

“Babe. You are a horrible liar,” he said, grinning at her as he did so. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing. I just want to go to the bedroom,” she said, removing herself from his grasp and slipping under his arms. “Come on, Michael…” she whined, giving him her best and most pathetic look.  He leaned back against the sink counter, crossing his arms over his chest as he stared at her, one eyebrow cocked. Jana knew she would have to tell him. They had made love in this house so many times and in so many places, and she’d never had a problem with the bathroom before…

“It’s because of these damn stretch marks, Michael,” she whispered, hanging her head down low to her chest. She fiddled with the edge of her shirt, blinking back tears. “My stomach looks horrible and I don’t want you to see it in here. The lights are too bright,” she finished, her breath catching on the last word. She wiped at her face, angry tears of frustration seeping out. Michael walked over to her and tilted her chin up as he smiled down at her.

“Let me see, babe,” he said gently and Jana shook her head in protest. “Don’t you think I should be the judge of what I do and do not like?” he asked her, eyebrow still cocked. Jana worried her lower lip in indecision.

“Let me see, love,” he said softly, dropping down to his knees in front of her.  Jana closed her eyes as she felt him lift her shirt, her mouth screwed up in distaste at what he was going to find. She flinched when she felt his fingers tracing the light pink lines on her stomach, knowing he was surely grossed out. So it came as a wonderful surprise when she felt his lips at her navel, his tongue dancing in and around the sensitive area. She looked down, her breathing uneven as she stared at the top of his head.

“Michael…” she weakly protested, tangling her fingers in his hair. He shook his head, his large hands wrapping around her waist.

“No. You are so fucking sexy, babe. Not a damn thing wrong with you,” he murmured against her stomach, his tongue tracing its way back to her navel. Her knees got weak and she could feel the wetness between her legs, the ache that was getting stronger.  Michael spread his hand out on her side, his fingers dipping below the waistband of her sleep pants to tease the top of her ass. God this man and his mouth! She twisted her fingers in his hair even harder and groaned, wanting and needing him closer. She felt him grin against her stomach and he kissed her once more before he stood up. He lifted her as he did so, pushing her against the wall as he helped her wrap her legs around him. Jana buried her face in his neck, hugging him tight as he carried her across the hall and gently laid her on the bed.  She scooted back and looked at him, appreciating the way his muscles in his chest flexed as he stripped off his sweats.

Leaving him only in his boxers.

Fuck.

She swallowed hard, her stomach flip-flopping as he crawled up the bed and over her. He stopped at her waist once again, leaning down and lifting her shirt as he lightly kissed her stomach. Jana instinctually pushed her shirt back down only to have Michael push it back up as he pushed her hands away.

"There is nothing wrong with your stomach, babe," he murmured against her belly, grinning at the slight tremor he felt there. He kissed along her sides, grinning again as she squirmed with his beard tickling her. He pushed her shirt up and helped her out of it, making quick work of it and her bra - all at the same time. He licked his lips as he stared down at her, his eyes roaming over her body. She lay there before him, her heart beating crazily as she worried what he would think of her now. Just when she thought she couldn't take it anymore and she reached to cover herself with her hand, Michael leaned down and kissed her hard, his tongue seeking entrance. He trailed his large hand down the center of her chest, his fingers brushing against her breasts in such a way that made her squirm, made her want to turn in to his hands. When his hand reached the top of her pants, she clenched her thighs together, her body delighting at what was coming next. He slowly pushed his hand down and cupped her, his long finger seeking entrance as his tongue continued to plunder her mouth. She groaned against him, her thighs squeezing together against his hand.  She tore her mouth away from his, her voice whiny with need.

"Please, Michael!" she moaned, her hands clawing at his hand as it continued to torment her. "I need you...just do it...please," she panted, her hips moving against him. She wanted him inside her right this very instant, needed him buried deep inside. He removed his fingers from her, trailing one long finger up her slit as he did so and she gasped, the touch and then loss of contact killing her.

"Damn but you are dripping, sweetheart," Michael rasped, licking his fingers as he sat up. He reached down and pulled her pants and panties off and flung them over his shoulder. He slid out of his boxers and crawled over her, his cock pressed against her thighs. She squirmed against him, clawing at his arms and spreading her legs as she tried to get him where she wanted him.

"Damn it, Michael!" she whimpered, her body taut with need. "Please just make love to me now! I can't wait any longer."

Michael sat up and pulled her with him, helping her straddle him as he guided his cock into her. They both groaned as Jana slid down, bottoming out as she settled against him. They sat there for a moment, relishing the feel of being so close once again. Michael guided Jana’s legs around his waist and she gripped him tightly as she slowly began to move against him.

“Goddamn, Jana!” Michael hissed through his teeth, groaning against her neck as he gripped her waist. “You are so fucking perfect and fuck you are so tight around me!” He pushed her back away from him, seeking her breasts and he greedily sucked a nipple in his mouth. Jana moaned in response, the angle at which he was pushing in and out even greater as he pushed her back. He tormented her, teased her, bit her and consoled her, his mouth, teeth, and tongue relentless at her breasts. She ran her hands through his hair, pulling him closer, needing him to push into her harder.

“Oh…Michael…please…” she moaned, her hips moving of their own accord. She ground against him, needing him, needing to feel him against her. She grabbed one of his hands and pushed it down between them, biting on her lip as she felt his thumb circle her clit in that way that she wanted. Her brows creased as she concentrated, that tiny little bundle of nerves the center of her being as Michael continued to rub it slowly. Her breathing became faster, her movements erratic as her thighs started to tremble in her efforts.

“Cum for me, love,” Michael whispered against her neck, his teeth just grazing her sensitive skin. “Let go, babe, and cum for me.” He groaned as he felt her tightening around him, her inner walls clenching and pulling him deeper as she came. His hands stilled on her as his own orgasm overtook him, spilling himself deep inside her as his body jerked against her. When he finally stilled, he vaguely felt her running her hands through his hair, his sweaty brow still pressed against her neck. She was still breathing heavy, but not as heavy as he was and he heard her giggle as he sucked in another deep breath.

“You alright, baby?” she teased, wiggling as she settled against him again. He grinned against her neck, holding her tight to him with his arms wrapped around her. He could fall asleep right her, right now.

“I am now,” he said, his voice sleepy and Jana giggled again.

“Let me get up so you can get some sleep, Michael,” she said, pulling one leg up alongside her as she tried to get up. Michael shook his head and rolled them over, her on her back and he resting between her thighs. They were still joined but just barely and Jana giggled again at him. “Michael?”

“Hmmmm,” he mumbled against her neck, his dead weight almost suffocating her.

“You’re killing me. Too heavy. I have to get up,” she breathed out deeply. She pushed at his shoulders, and he grumbled, caught between dozing off and being awake. He cracked open one eye and stared at her, trying to focus on her.

“Why are you so mean? Can’t you just stay here?” he whined, and she giggled again as she pushed at him again.

“I have to get up, Michael. Let me get cleaned up, okay?”she said, pushing gently at him again. 

He sucked in a deep breath and pulled out of her, rolling over onto his back as he flung his arms out to the sides. He looked so damned relaxed, his beautiful body slick with sweat and the remains of their lovemaking. She immediately wanted to crawl right back on top of him, her body ready for round two. Michael’s soft snoring stopped her, his mouth becoming slack and his eyelids twitching. She smiled softly at him before hopping up and darting across the hallway for the bathroom. She quickly cleaned up and got dressed, and took a towel back to Michael. She cleaned him as best as she could without waking him and then covered him with the sheets. She walked quietly out of the room and closed the door behind her softly. She only had another hour at best to relax before Mikey woke up and she didn’t want Michael to have to get her. She would let him sleep as long as he wanted and she would park her ass on the couch and watch some long overdue television.


	64. Chapter 64

It was after 7pm when the front door opened and Michael came in, shaking off his jacket in the foyer. It was raining again, and it was icy, and Jana had been holding her breath ever since he left to take his parents to the airport. People in Texas did not do well in this kind of weather, and wrecks were happening all over. She made sure Mikey was okay in her playpen, and walked over to Michael and hugged him from behind. He stilled, hanging his jacket up and then turned around to embrace her. She snugged into his chest, holding him tightly.

“Babe? You alright?” he asked, kissing her on the top of her head.

“Yes,” Jana mumbled against him. He smelled of rain, and winter, and ice, and that wonderful smell that was Michael.

“What’s all this about then?” he asked with a chuckle.

“It’s icy out, Michael,” Jana mumbled again, still not moving.

“I’ve lived in London for a long time, love,” Michael replied, running his hands up and down her back. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Jana said, leaning back to look up at him. Michael grinned down at her before he kissed her, his lips claiming hers in a soft kiss.

“I hate to say this, but I am glad my parents are gone,” he murmured huskily, his voice sending shivers up and down her spine. He rubbed his nose against hers as he closed his eyes and Jana sighed, content to have him back in her arms.

“Me too,” she whispered conspiratorially, causing Michael to laugh again. He smacked her on the lips once more before releasing her.

“Where’s our daughter?” he asked as he walked with her over to the play pen. Mikey cooed up at him, gripping her teething ring tightly in her chubby little hands. “There’s my beautiful girl!”

“I’m going to go make a snack, I think. Been awhile since I've eaten. Feel like anything special?” Jana asked, pulling open the fridge. Michael was still leaning over the play pen, pulling at Mikey’s feet and making her go crazy with laughter.

“Whatever you think, babe,” he called, not turning to look at her. Jana pulled out the leftover ham and began slicing it. Ham sandwiches again...

She jumped when she felt Michael’s hands at her hips, holding her against him. His voice in her ear would surely be the death of her.

“Ham sandwiches, love?” he asked, the warm timber of his voice rolling over her like a wave. How could he make a simple question sound so hot??

“If you want something else, I can make it, Michael,” Jana said, a little breathlessly. She couldn’t think when he was pressed up against her like that.

“Of course I want something else, but we need to eat,” he replied, nipping at her earlobe with his teeth. She shivered against him and leaned her head back, giving him better access.

“Well if you want to eat you need to stop that,” she teased, wiggling against him. Michael groaned against her and held her tight.

“You’re one to talk, love," he teased back as he pulled away and leaned against the kitchen island, his arms crossed over his chest as he looked at Jana.

“What?” she asked, looking back at him.

“What did you think of my parents?”

Jana relaxed, the question an easy one. She adored Michael’s parents. So unlike her own, they were easy to get along with and they were normal, and most of all they loved Mikey.

“I liked them a lot, Michael,” she said, turning back to the sandwiches as she assembled them.

“Really?” he asked her curiously. She glanced over her shoulder and grinned at him.

“Yes, really.”

“Good,” he replied, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. Jana turned and handed him his plate, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“What do you mean, good?” she asked as she carried her plate to the bar.

“Nothing, love. It’s just good, is all,” he replied easily, kissing her on the forehead as he sat down next to her. Jana squinted at him. What was he talking about?

“What are you not telling me, Michael?” she stared at him sideways as she took a bite of her sandwich.

“I promise, it’s nothing. After the fiasco with your family I just wanted to be sure, is all,” he leaned over and kissed her on her forehead again as he picked up his plate and headed to the living room. “I’m going to eat in here. Join me?”

Although she was aggravated with his avoidance of her question, she slid off the stool, taking her food with her as well. Mikey had pulled herself up from the bottom of the play pen and was now looking through the mesh at Michael, her little face scrunched up in dismay. She started whining and Michael immediately set his food down and picked her up. Her frown was replaced by a smile as she bounced on her daddy’s legs, her tiny fingers reaching for his ears.

“Do I have big ears, Jana?” Michael asked, smiling at Mikey. Jana looked at him in confusion. “She’s always grabbing at my ears, so I assume they must be fucking huge.”

“Michael!” Jana gasped, looking at him sharply. “Her first word is going to be the “F” word if you don’t tone it down.”

Michael laughed as he hoisted Mikey up above his head, her little baby giggles filling the room.

“She’s got my blood in her, love. We all curse where I come from,” Michael said, winking at Jana before turning his attention back to Mikey. “Didn’t you hear my mother?”

Jana snorted as she took another bite. She grabbed the remote and flicked on the television. She settled on some cartoons and turned it down low.

“What are we going to do for New Year’s Eve?” she asked Michael as she set her plate on the coffee table. ‘It’s just us, and I don’t know if you were wanting to go out or whatever…” she trailed off, unsure of what to say. How would he react to spending a night like New Year’s Eve home with her and a baby? Not exactly a glamorous evening…

“Well, I had planned on hanging out with Mikey until she fell asleep. Once she was in bed you and I would celebrate properly,” he said, his voice dropping down low. “Did you have something else in mind?”

“No!” Jana squeaked out, her cheeks heating again. Michael looked at her and laughed before he set Mikey down on the ground to roam.

“I love how you blush around me, sweetheart,” Michael murmured as he leaned over and took her chin. “Kiss me.”

Jana leaned forward and kissed him softly, her breath quick as she did so. It never failed to amaze her at how quickly Michael could change the atmosphere around her, his words and actions taking away all sense of balance. He leaned back and looked at her, a grin on his face as he did so. He knew what he did to her…

“I love you, Jana,” he said softly, his thumb running over her lower lip. “I’m so happy here, with you and our daughter. Nowhere I’d rather be, love.”

“It’ll be boring,” Jana argued, looking over his shoulder for Mikey. She was rolled on her back and happily chewing on her rubber bear contentedly.

“Nonsense. We’re a family, Jana, and this is what we do now, right?” Michael said, taking her hand in his and kissing it.

“What about fireworks and all that?” Jana asked him, still unsure of everything.

“They’ll be plenty of fireworks, love, don’t worry about that,” Michael answered, his voice husky once again.

“You are ridiculous, Michael! I am trying to be serious,” Jana argued with him as she pulled away. Michael leaned back and looked at her carefully, his brows drawn together in concern.

“Is everything alright, Jana? What am I missing here?” he asked her plainly. She fiddled with her fingernail, staring once again at Mikey who had rolled over and was scooting towards the box of toys in the corner. “Jana?” he asked again.

“It’s nothing. It’s everything,” Jana mumbled, her voice strained. “Everything is just really good and I don’t want it to go back to….to go back to you know..” she trailed off, unable to finish. Michael scooted over and quickly took her hand again in his.

“It won’t, love. It won’t ever go back to that ever again,” he vowed to her, his voice solemn. “Do we need to slow down, Jana? Slow down our relationship so you can have time to sort things out? I can move into the guest room if you want?"

Jana jerked her head up and shook it in disagreement.  “No. I don’t want to slow down, Michael,” she said. “I’m just scared, I think. I’m sorry, but it just feels too good to be true, and I’m scared that it’s all going to go away again.” She bit at the inside of her cheek, trying to control the tears that were leaking out. Michael gently rubbed her cheeks with his fingers, wiping away the tears there.

“It will never go back to that, love. Ever. My heart is here – you and Mikey –and I will never do anything to fuck that up again,” Michael said, his voice gruff with emotion now. “If you need more time, Jana, just tell me and I’ll back off. I understand, I really do.”

Just then Mikey squeaked in frustration and Jana breathed in a sigh of relief, a momentary lapse from the conversation. She pulled in a shaky breath and wiped her face as Michael picked up Mikey and brought her back to the couch with him.

“She’s wet,” Michael said as he patted her bottom. Jana reached out for her and Michael handed the baby to her. “I’ll do it. I don’t mind,” he said as he passed her over.

Jana snuggled into Mikey’s chubby little neck and shook her head as she stood up.

“No, I’ll do it,” she said. “Can you make her a bottle though?”

“Yeah. I’ll bring it to you,” Michael said as he moved into the kitchen to make the bottle. He watched Jana walk away with their daughter, his brows furrowed in concern. He knew Jana was having a tough time still. He could feel it still between them. He could tell when she got anxious as she would focus more on Mikey, clinging to their daughter as if she were the only thing she had left in the world. Michael scooped out the formula and dumped it in the bottle, cursing himself again for all the shit he had caused.

He angrily shook the bottle as he walked to the nursery. They had finally moved Mikey’s crib into her room and they were working on keeping it that way. So far she had slept in the room 3 nights in a row, and she had been napping in here as well, so hopefully it stayed this way. Jana didn’t like it – not one bit – but they both agreed it was for the best for all involved. Michael knew how hard it must be for Jana to be separated from her daughter by even a few feet, when all she had for so many months was their daughter to keep her going. He was such an asshole, all the shit he had put them through…

Walking in the room he saw Jana sitting in the glider, rocking Mikey as she tried to get her to sleep. Michael handed her the bottle and smiled at her, motioning that he was going to take a shower. She nodded and turned back to their daughter as she gave her the bottle. Jana continued rocking Mikey, oblivious to Michael standing by the door and watching her for a moment before leaving to their bedroom. His self-hatred bubbled up, causing him to once again curse himself for all the pain he had caused Jana. He wondered if he was ever going to be able to fix this mess that he had caused...


	65. Chapter 65

Jana walked into the room an hour later, yawning as she did so. Michael looked up from the bed and smiled at her. She flicked off the lights on the way to bed and Michael turned on the bedside lamp, giving the room some light.

“She’s down?” he asked her, sitting up as she crawled in bed next to him.

“Yeah. Finally,” Jana replied as she lay down. She pulled the covers up and turned over, facing away from Michael. He stared at her back for a moment before deciding to speak.

“What’s going on, Jana?” he asked her gently. He watched as her back stiffened and he knew she was hoping to go straight to sleep. It hit him again, right in the stomach, just how much was still between them and still unresolved. Hearing nothing from her, Michael sighed and lay down on his back, his arm above his head as he stared up at the ceiling.

“I don’t trust you,” Jana whispered into the dark, her voice heavy with sadness.

“Tell me, love, so I can fix it. What have I done since we’ve been back together to make you doubt me?” he asked her earnestly as he turned on his side to face her. She still faced away from him, wrapped up tightly in the blanket.

“Nothing. Everything’s perfect. That’s the problem, Michael. Earlier when I asked you what you weren’t telling me, and you said that it was nothing, my first instinct was to think the worst,” she mumbled miserably. “I don’t want to feel that way anymore, Michael. I don’t know how to stop it though.”

She was crying now, her shoulders shaking with her grief. Michael scooted across the bed and moved behind her, wrapping her tightly with his arm as he pulled her back against him. He held her as she cried and he was very nearly on the verge of tears himself. What an idiot he had been. A complete and utter jackass on all accounts.

“I don’t know what to say other than I love you, Jana,” Michael whispered against her hair, his voice hoarse with his regret. “I’m trying to do everything I can to fix this but I don’t know how. I am so sorry, love. I’m so sorry and I don’t know how to make it better.”

“I know..Michael…” she hiccupped out, her voice catching. “I know you are trying and I believe you and I am sorry for being this way.”

“Shhhh, love. You have nothing to apologize for,” Michael said as he tenderly kissed the back of her head.

“Can you tell me what you were talking about earlier? When you said it was nothing. I feel like you are keeping something from me and I can’t handle secrets, Michael. I just can’t,” Jana timidly asked. Michael closed his eyes against her and took a deep breath.

“If I told you it was nothing bad, but a good surprise would you still need to know?” he asked her and cringed as she stiffened in his arms. “Okay, love. I’ll tell you, but I need you to turn over and look at me please.” He scooted back a bit as she rolled over, wiping her eyes as she looked up at him warily. He hated that look that was on her face. She looked like she was expecting the worst and it killed him that she had to live with that fear because of stupid stuff he had done.

“I was going to wait til New Year’s Eve and ask you to marry me,” he said simply. Jana’s eyebrows rose in shock and her hand flew to her mouth. Michael shrugged and smiled at her ruefully.

“What?” Jana asked in disbelief as she shook her head at him.

“I am so afraid of losing you, Jana. I don’t want to waste any more time and so I was going to ask you,” he answered her. He looked down at her arm and lightly rubbed it with his fingertip as he spoke again. “I know you would probably say no, but that’s okay. I'll just keep asking until you hopefully say yes.  I want to show you how serious I am, love.” He looked up at her now and Jana’s heart broke as she saw unshed tears in his eyes. “I love you, Jana. I love you and I know what I almost lost and I don’t want to make that mistake again."

Jana was speechless, her heart pounding in her chest as she stared at this man before her. He wanted to marry her. After all the things they had gone through - all of her history and all of the recent stuff, a baby and all that - and he wanted to marry her. She realized in that moment that she was going to have to make a choice. Forgive him and make a choice to be in this relationship - or not. She couldn't have it both ways. Yes, she was still hurt, but she loved Michael more than she wanted to somehow repair an irreparable past. She had to make a choice if she wanted this man in her life. She had to choose him, to trust in their love. She had to take a chance - just as he was doing.  She loved him, and love was crazy, and love made you do stupid stuff, but she didn't care. She loved him.

"Yes," she whispered, smiling through her tears at him. Michael stared back at her in disbelief, his brows drawn together as he tried to figure out what she was saying.

"Yes? Jan-"

"If you asked me to marry you, I'd say yes, Michael. I'll say yes," she said a little louder this time, her heart still pounding in her chest as she waited for his response. Realization slowly dawned on his beautiful features and a grin spread across his cheeks, the one with all the teeth that she loved so much. Nose crinkled up and all.

"You'll say yes?" he asked her in amazement. "Really?"

She grinned back at him. "Really."

Michael practically leapt on her, covering her with kisses all over her face. Jana giggled, pushing at him as she squirmed under him.

"Michael!" she squealed, turning her head from side to side to escape him. She was still giggling when he settled down, pushing her legs apart and settling between them. She looked up at him in adoration as her hands traced over his cheekbones, below his beautiful eyes and up over his forehead. "I forgive you, Michael," she said quietly, smiling again as he dropped his head to her chest.

"I don't deserve you, Jana," he mumbled against her neck and Jana fought back tears again at the self-hatred in his voice. She ran her hands through his hair and across his shoulders to soothe him.

"Please don't beat yourself up anymore, Michael. I forgive you. I know that we were both to blame for what happened and I want to move on," she said against his ear as she continued stroking his back. "I forgive you, and I love you, and I want us back, Michael."

Michael leaned up and looked down at her, blinking rapidly as he grinned. "I'm crying like a big baby," he muttered sheepishly and Jana wiped at an errant tear that had escaped.

"My big baby," she teased, leaning up to kiss him on his chin. "I love you, Michael. I don't know if you'll ever know how much, but I do."

Michael leaned down and kissed her, gently at first but the kiss quickly became more desperate as Jana moved against him. He kissed along her jaw, his stubble scratching at her skin in that way that made her insides quiver. She moved restlessly against him, her legs wrapping around his waist.

"Make love to me, Michael," she moaned as he continued kissing along her collarbone and around her neck. He moved back up and kissed her on the lips once again as he stared down at her.

"You sure?" he asked her hesitantly. Jana smiled up at him mischievously as she again tightened her legs around his waist.

"We've gotta seal the deal, right?" she asked as she leaned up and nipped at is jaw with her teeth. Michael grinned back down at her as he moved against her, causing her to close her eyes and grind against him.

"Seal the deal, right?" he murmured as he took her earlobe between his teeth, delighting in the gasps he was eliciting. "This might take all night, love. You up for it?" Jana moaned again as his tongue traced along the area right below her ear and she rolled her head to give him better access. She'd said it before but this man and his mouth were going to be the death of her.

"Yeah..." she panted, "we need to make sure..." she groaned as his hand found her breast, "make sure it's completely sealed." Her breath caught as Michael slid his hand along her waist and down to where she wanted him most. "Fuck!" she moaned as his hand found her soaking wet center. He grinned against her throat but continued tormenting her, his lips everywhere as his hand tortured her....

* * *

 

True to his word, it did take most of the night, the two of them rediscovering each other in a way that they thought was long gone. As Jana lay sated in Michael's arms, she smiled to herself as she rubbed the hair on his arm in delicate circles.

"I love you, Michael," she whispered in the dark, not knowing if he was asleep or not.

"I love you more, Jana," he replied, pulling her closer to him.

"Thank you," she said again quietly.

"For what?"

"For not giving up. For loving me. For Mikey. For everything," she answered, smiling again.

"My pleasure, sweetheart," Michael said, and Jana giggled as his voice sounded so sleepy.

"Good night, Michael."

She was met with a light snore, his even breathing indicating that he had fallen asleep. She snuggled down deeper in his arms, her eyes closing as she drifted off to sleep in the arms of a man that loved her. A man that she loved more than life itself. That night she would dream of wedding dresses and blue-eyed babies and the future. Things were going to be okay. They had made it and things were going to be okay.

 

 


End file.
